Numbers

Numbers. Love them or hate them they are such a permanent part of my life now. But I have to say the last 3 weeks I did not get hung up on the 33. I did well not focusing or getting hung up on how it just seemed to continue to climb little by little. And I found out a few things yesterday. Like....

The medical team was talking about me and my numbers. They were discussing what was the next steps would be if the number continued to climb. I found out that they don't like creeping numbers, but that they can jump up or down at times. So as you all well know my number was creeping. Creeping can mean cancer, apparently. So, I just looked at Chris, the PA and said I knew you were lying to me about not being worried. She was so funny back peddling- not worried just getting a little concerned because it is creeping. Well, knowing you are a topic of conversation is a little unsettling, yet I am so glad they took the time to talk about me. I am a catch 22. But what I found out and didn't enjoy is that the next step would have been the 2nd line of chemo- a drug I didn't even listen to the name of because I was in a bit of shock. So I am now very focused on 20 and loving the

number 20. It is my new favorite number. What is really cool is that my sister from NC was praying for that exact number. How cool is that? Chris came in whooping and Shelly and I started to cry in relief. While I know it may just be temporary it feels really good right now. I will continue to bask in this glory and in this victory.

I cannot help but restate the obvious, and that is the prayer that has not only sustained me but may well be what is helping to cure me. I still don't know when I get to call myself a survivor, but I do feel like one. I know it's premature, but I feel some freedom and normalcy and like myself again. I am trying to eat much better, aside from the occasional Taco Bell of course. I am eating many colors of the rainbow, even ate the tomatoes on the TB today, and you know that is commitment. Orange and yellow peppers, soups, and fruit smoothies.

I have to mention the blood drive today. It was wonderful. Maybe a little slow, but we did draw from 2 churches last year and got 68 pints, but we did get 38 pints today, and that ain't too shabby.

So 20 is a God send. You are a Godsend and I could never thank you enough for praying for me and my family, for helping ing my healing process. I appreciate all the comments you've given me, telling me that you are praying and I believe you. I love you my family, my church family and my friends who have carved out heart felt time for me. It's so very humbling. But I cannot wait until I can be the listener again, the one who gets to find out how you are doing! I still care about you, so don't think you're rescuing me from your baggage. I love your baggage and i so miss it! Normalcy returns, little by little. Strength returns little by little, and rest returns also little by little.

Have you seen the church?? It looks so awesome. I cannot wait to see it completed. Good work to all those who have been working so hard. The Welcome desk is gorgeous!!

Thank you for your love and encouragement.

I love you too.

Happy New Year. 2009 is- well I am claiming it for me and my other sister who is divorcing. It's been a very rough year in the Sharpe household. New year, new beginnings. No resolutions, just a little healthier lifestyle I think.

Vicki

Peace

What a wonderful day we had- up early watching the kids open their presents. I don't understand how every year we say we won't do as much and every year it seems bigger- Good gravy. Ok, now don't faint when you hear this, but Abbi and Austin got cell phones. Yes, I know full well what I said- and I did mean it. I caved. I caved in a moment of weakness. But it was so much fun watching them find the phones. Tim and I called them! We put them in their stockings, and when they were done opening their gifts we pretended we were calling the grandparents, and we called their phones. So the stockings started to ring- Oh it was so fun. Their faces were so confused, then they realized what was happening, jumped on the couch and stared riffling thru their stockings. They almost cried. Remember that feeling of crying when you got something you wanted so much but really thought it wasn't going to happen so you gave up hope of getting it and then you did. I love that feeling.

Peace and hope. Peace between those two doesn't happen often, but they smiled, laughed and hugged at that moment. A moment of peace.

Jesus wants us to have that feeling always. Peace in our hearts because we already know the end of our story, it's the chapters we aren't sure about, that are written each day, each struggle, each milestone. But God does know our story, and he wants us to live it out loud, I am sure of it. God remained full of hope and peace as he watched his child being born, in a barn, as he slept in a cow feeder. As Mary nursed him as a human baby God knew the end of His story. God knew the torture his own son would have to endure, and he watched and waited. Jesus grew, never sinned, was both man and God. His Father, our Father, watched his own son die on a cross, beaten, but not broken. He let his son die for me. Me, who has sinned so much, who will continue to just like we all will. He died for you, even though you may be right in the middle of your 'big' sin. He watched his son die for us so that He could bring hope and peace into our lives.

I may not always have peace, but I didn't loose hope. I had lots of questions about what was going to happen, but never lost hope.

What's my point? Oh I don't know. It's late and I'm tired... I think the point is that no matter what we face, no matter how small or large we think it is, God cares. He cares enough about us that he sent his own baby son to earth to take on our sins and to die for our forgiveness. That's a lot of care. That's a lot of love. And as I've said before, if He can love me that much I can love on also. Just when I thought I couldn't hold on another moment God sent something or someone to me to help me thru. God gave me that lost hope, that hope that brings tears to your eyes when you find out you were going to get the gift the whole time. My heart soars.

I feel much peace and hope today. I may not tomorrow, I may not always, but at this moment I do. What is so wonderful is that God offers it to me each day, all I have to do is receive it. The same goes for you.

Merry Christmas.

Vicki

No wonder

I was reading my bible today, one that has Max Lucado snippets in it. This one said "It's no wonder there's no wonder" and generally was speaking about all the discoveries we've had and how all these discoveries seem to take away from us looking to God for answers because we are learning the answers ourselves. We have no more wonder. Which made me wonder....

Maybe it's better to not know everything. Maybe it's better for us to rely on God and His knowledge and to remember that He created everything from beginning to end- that includes things we have yet to discover. Like cures, like immunizations, like foods that are healthy for us, like why some of us can't have children, like why some of us are or have been abused, like...the possibilities are unfortunately endless.

We'll never have all of our answers. And if we get too many and start believing in our abilities to discover and cure then we take the wonder of miracles away from God. All things come from God. We discover because God allows it to be discovered. We learn because God wants that knowledge in our heads and he wants us to question and understand. He even lets us question Him, His truth, His soverienty, His love for us. God is the only one who knows all. He is the only one who can cure me, or anyone else suffering with cancer of some other form of 'yuck'. He allowed the discovery of the chemo therapies many of us have endured.

I never want to stop wondering about things. As you know I like to have answers- like yesterday. Waiting and wondering about my cancer, my numbers, my fatigue, my fate is just unnecessary. God provides the answers, whether I ever know them or not. Like someone said the other day, I know the end of this story. But I do wonder when it ends. Is that good or bad, I don't know. I think we all do it to some degree. And although I don't ever want to stop wondering I want a cure for this beast. I want answers. So I suppose I am left with wondering about the answers, and trying to find the answer that God wants me to have. I'll never stop wondering about the how- never wondered about the why. The answer to that is why not me? We are promised a life that has difficulty, some of us have more than others, some things are worse than cancer.

One thing I never wonder about is if God really loves me. He shows me every day. Whether it's the Hummingbirds in the summer or the beautiful snow days in the winter. Some strength to use the plow, or to swim or to get thru the day or whether its just some good communication with the kids. I never wonder if I am loved by God. He shows me thru friendships, thru the church that has prayed me thru this, thru the family he blessed me with, thru the husband I really love and adore. Even thru face book and making connections from years ago, healing some old wounds, asking for forgiveness when I needed it for hurting others.

The wonders of Gods love never cease. He loves, therefore I will love. He creates therefore I will continue to bask in His wonder.

Vicki

People

God never stops amazing me. Perhaps because I can see a little more clearly because of the current, and hopefully continued, good news of a clear CT and normal CA 125, I see people differently, or maybe I can just see better...

When I went to Lifetime yesterday people talked to me!! I know that sounds so stupid, but if you don't know the bald lady you may not want to talk to her because you don't know if she's happy or sad, right? I get that. So when the boys were rock climbing the young men there were so sweet, as they always have been. Even asked where number 3 child was (she was organizing her jewelry- I wasn't going to stop that). So then on to swimming, which is when I do have to get my brave on since I would look really funny swimming with a hat on. But I'm getting used to it. And since I have yet to buy a nice pair of goggles I don't get my face in the water so I can see everyone, their expressions. And they are usually good, sometimes even funny, but that's ok- I am used to it. Anyway, the person swimming next to me asked how I was doing and I just said great, how I was looking for my boys in the little pool. Then on I swam.

Of course I couldn't just let it go- I had to say something- so I thanked him for talking to me and he said why wouldn't he?? And I laughed. I just said sometimes people are scared to, talked a little about how we're all on the journey together, blah, blah. It was just nice. And then in the hot tub- ah the warmth- I was talking with someone and they said how I was starting a new trend with my bald head and we laughed and then said that it didn't take away from my smile. How nice, huh?

So for these moments and hopefully years of no cancer I feel like a whole, real person. Maybe my face is more joyful looking, I don't know. i think I still showed joy during most of the treatment process. Maybe I am just more comfortable with my head- cold as it is- being exposed. I did give God the credit, with both people, so I am definitely more brave in my witness.

Thank you for helping me learn to be strong. I know these little steps I'm taking are silly at times, but sometimes the looks a bald woman gets are hard to interpret.

Onward to strength and recovery.

Vicki

Sponteneity

Today was so wonderful. My niece graduated today with her masters in social work from UM!! And that is huge news. She invited me to come to her house for a little party after. I was finally able to say yes. Don't have to worry about numbers, crowds, being too tired to drive, being afraid to go someplace without Tim. I did it. The kids and I drove to Lansing, stayed for a few hours and had fun with family and friends, met some of Mollie's friends, and then drove home. I felt free.

I haven't been able to just get up and go someplace for quite a while, not without thinking about my numbers, how tired I was, what kind of chances I was taking and then deciding whether or not to take that chance. I really had fun taking that chance!!

I don't even know when I get to call myself a survivor instead of a patient- maybe never because it's ovarian cancer and that brings a great recurrence rate, but I feel free today. And I'll take that since it's been 6 months since I have had that feeling.

At the Women's Banquet I was talking to some ladies, talking about the clear CT and talking about defeating cancer and how great a healer God is and I said if I can do this I can do anything- bring it on. Then I looked up to heaven and told God I was just kidding, please no more. I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and at times I am sure I couldn't handle this beast so God did, you carried me with your prayers. I also learned that He will take you to the edge of that place where you can handle no more- maybe it's a test, maybe it's so that we have no choice except to trust in Him and pray, and listen to the doctors.

So in my new found freedom I will trust in the healing power of Jesus, pray for continued healing, and listen to my medical people. I'll even change my diet!

Until another day,

Vicki

Tuesday Rocks

I am so sorry I had to keep you all waiting for so long to find out- but there was nothing I could do to speed up the process.

I brought my good friend Holly with me yesterday. My Holly has already taken this journey with Breast Cancer and is over a year since diagnosis. Since Tim couldn't come with me because of work, I wanted someone who, in the worst case scenario, would be able to understand and help me thru that moment. Thankfully we didn't have to go thru that moment, however, we thought we were and here's why....

My appt. was at 1:15. Usually the vampires come and take my blood right away. And that didn't happen. My sister asked about it and then I did. When I went to ask one of the girls said that Chris, the PA was still talking to the DR about my CT scan. Well, now it is after 2:00 and Chris is still talking to Dr. Hicks. I said a little something under my breath, went back to my room and told Holly and my sister, repeated my little something, and then started to melt away..... We all three just sort of melted a little. Holly tried to hold my hand, but I had to stop her- that would have caused a complete meltdown.

Chris came in not too long after that, looked at us all and knew something was up. She asked and we all just said CT scan, woman. Tell us about the CT scan. She said it is 100% clean and we all almost fell over. I could hear a but.... ' But there is a little venus thrombus in your ovarian vein and I had to talk to Dr.Hicks about it because many times those need to be treated first.' Since it is in that vein and not in a major artery in my legs or arms I am good. Probably won't have to have anything done with it.

So after waiting an hour for Chris, we moved to the infusion room (I don't have to call it chemo room anymore) for my study drug, Avastin (hopefully). Well, we get to wait another hour because, you see, nobody ever did come to take my blood that has to be tested before I can receive treatment. Wonderful!! Now it is 2:45, I thought we'd be heading home by 2:30- I could take a little nap, shower, and get ready for the Christmas banquet. HAHAHA!! Finally blood work complete, finally Avastin, finally getting on M59 at 5:00- yep, at 5:00.

Traffic actually wasn't that bad but I knew I wouldn't make it home to shower and get to the banquet on time. So Holly offered her shower, her clothes, her makeup and was such a cool girlfriend hostess. It was like being young again and going thru your girlfriends closet. Poor Jim was banned from the back of the house. So thank you Holly for letting me clean up and chill for a few minutes, even if you did crash the party a little later!!

Now I know I should be jumping up and down, and I will. I think it needs to set in- that this could be over. I just don't want to get too comfortable there since cancer is what it is- a mystery.

Looking around last night and knowing how many of you are praying for me overwhelmed me. Just the love and support- it was so obvious to me and it means so much to me and my family. I know I am sometimes unable to celebrate in the way I want to- I want to jump up and down, I want to break out and dance (not break dance). I hope my conservative response to all this doesn't discourage you. Please let me see you celebrate- it's been so long I've forgotten how.

CA 125 is 33. Still in remission.

Love you all so very much.

Vicki

Tuesday is here

Hi my friends and family,

I was thinking the book can be called 'Waiting for Tuesday' even though it wasn't always a Tuesday that made us wait.

I am ok, actually. I'm nervous of course, but that is ok. Joyce Meyer's little snippet on WMUZ was in part about praying for ourselves and reasons why we sometimes don't, or we wait until it is the last resort instead of the first response. Such a mom thing to do, pray for all others and maybe just maybe we'll remember ourselves. Well, between all the messages at church, on this page and things I have heard on the radio and read myself in my bible, I finally decided to pray seriously for myself. So I visualized myself as the woman whom Jesus healed, the woman who reached for his cloak. I'm reaching... And someone asked me at church what role I thought Alex played in all this and I didn't hesitate and said standing in the gap- learning how to pray continuously. That is what I learned from him, from God. And now I somewhat understand what you all are doing for me, standing in the gap. Well, I'm joining the gap, since it is me and I should be involved too.

Jesus,

I pray that you would continue to give me peace for the day ahead, safe travel to the appointment. I trust that whatever the results that you are in control and will lead my feet on the path you want me to take. i pray for healing, lord, that you would fully and completely heal this body, free it of any cancer and prepare me for wellness. I thank you for the power of your spirit in my body, renewing and regenerating my cells. I thank you for my family and friends who are standing in the gap for me and praying for my healing. I pray for peace thru this day for us all.

Thank you. I"ll update later in the afternoon.

Vicki

Peace

Thank you all for lifting me up. The fear comes and goes, and perhaps I should have written that particular piece in my 'ugly' journal. I didn't mean to scare anyone. Sometimes it just hits and sometimes just venting it helps. I know and trust God can heal, it's just what if.... That's all. But then I have to return to the fact that I am healed in my spirit, that God already healed me in the most important way.

But I had a great nights sleep- and that rarely happens. I'm sure it's the One giving me some much needed rest.

Last night I took 6 kids to the Pistons (do you think they could have won) and we had a great time. Abbi and Austin got to bring 2 friends each and they all stayed the night. After all that fun it was when I was showering that the fear hit. Maybe it's because of all that fun. But my friend said it perfectly- if day by day doesn't cut it then minute by minute. I think I'm at day by day at the moment. And Shelly is right, the boat is coming to the shore, and if it capsizes I know how to swim- I'll swim in the love that Jesus has for me and the love of my friends.

The fear hits at the strangest times, and usually the closer a big appointment comes the more the fear manifests itself. But there are so many others so much more sick, children about to earn their wings because of the beast. That is torture. That is unimaginable. That make my fear so much less deserving and somewhat selfish. What's my problem...

I know and trust God is hear. I need to call out to him more myself, get back together with Him- FOCUS.

Love you all.

Vicki

Scared

I am so scared about Tuesday. I know it is out of my control but I am mortified about the what ifs. What if it isn't gone and I have to do more chemo. What if my hair starting to grow back means my body just didn't respond to chemo. What if ca 125 in not in remission, what if, what if, what if...... What if it gets me.

I dislike mortification. I don't know how to do it well because I don't usually get to that level and now I life there it seems. I suppose a normal reaction to an abnormal condition.... Maybe I will write a book. What do you think?

Spiritual Healing

I haven't felt like a healed person in so very long. Cancer changes everything, including how you think at times. First let me say for my fellow MCCers that yes, my story was the Cancer Sucks story- and I stand by it!!

Now let me tell you a bit more about me. It was 1990 when I was finally able to face who I was, what I had done to myself to mess myself up, figured out how I got there, and found a Jesus who could forgive me of it all. The moment of truth was just that, but the healing took a very long time. After a few years I was able to really give that past over and forgive myself. I have been spiritually healed for almost 20 years of the bondage that college antics brought but it is a continuous process as many of us know. But I fully believe that when Jesus wants me he'll take me and I'll be in Heaven singing a bunch of Aron's songs! My spirit has been healed for so long- at times needs to be re-healed and will continue to need healing as life moves on.

My spirit is in God's hands and I have such confidence in that. I know Jesus heals, I know I am healed, and now Mike just hit it home. Different kinds of healing- spiritual, emotional, physical. And my experience is similar to his in that healing has never taken place quickly. In fact it has always been painful and at times seemed impossible. But I knew during some of those times that I had to work hard at fixing what I was being told to fix, with the help, strength and love of Jesus. Nothing has come easy. Marriage, a continuous place to go to find things to fix about oneself. Parenting- ADHD, Celiac, teenagers... another constant source of healing. Friendships, keeping them truthful and current is not always easy. Nothing about my life has been easy- probably nothing about any of our lives has been easy. So why would I expect cancer to be easy.

Now, I never did! Let me make that clear. Surgery was very hard, waiting was and is the worst, CT scans, well they suck too. Constant blood monitoring, isolation or at least it feels like that at times, confusion, problems with my eyes and ears, looking sicker than you feel all because of chemo. It does take and take and take. But it can't take away my hope, my love, my spirit. It can only take my life-maybe- and that is secured by the blood of Jesus. So I truly have nothing to fear but fear itself- and I do have fear. The thought of starting with these children and this husband and not being there for the growing up part, the adulthood part, the grandparent part, the retirement part, the empty nesting part scares me. On the one hand I'm closer to that than others, on the other hand we just never know when it is our time.

So for now I wait in the security of my bond with Jesus-

I am healed in the spiritual sense, continuously so. And now I will fight, like I always have had to do, to heal myself physically. It's never been easy to heal, but it's always happened. So it stands to reason that this physical healing will be hard as well. So I will do my part, and Jesus will do His and in that I can rest. I wish it was always peaceful in my heart and mind, but I can work on that too. I'm a stubborn firstborn, overachieving sister, mother, friend, teacher, wife, aunt, babysitter, leader, woman and child of the Healer.

Now being transparent has not always been a strength of mine. With certain people, yes, but telling my story, or people knowing about the difficulties life has presented has been privileged info. So for those of you who thought this life has been a cake walk, please erase that vision of me. Replace it with a Sumo Wrestler!!

Love you all,

Vicki

Just Something

Good morning everyone,

At this very moment I am feeling good, hopeful, and so glad that chemo is over. I do have a CT scan on the 4th and a doctor visit on the 9th which will include my CA 125 test, so I will feel more at ease when those are done and the results are GOOD.

I don't know how I would have gotten thru this part of the journey without my parents. Many of you know that they came a stayed with me to help with the kids and cleaning, laundry, food, shopping, and believe you me I tried to stay 'down' longer than I needed but they are smart and caught on. Oh I'm kidding!! There is nothing I can do or say to thank them enough except to say I am so blessed to have parents who are able to drop their lives for their children. Thank you so much mom and dad.

And then there are all the people in Port Huron, where both Tim and I grew up who have been praying for me, my family and my parents. I can't even imagine how many prayer lists I was on but I need you all to know that I always knew there were prayers being listened to by God. I made it thru something I didn't think I had the strength to go thru and God brought me thru. For those of you who were a part of that, again, words fail me but thank you. I know one of my parents best friends went to their church every day to pray for me....That puts a lump in my throat. I received a card from my favorite middle school math teacher- that's 30 years ago!! It's so humbling.....

And of course my friends and church family who are near and far. If you are far, please don't be discouraged that you couldn't be here. I know you were praying, I know my family was on your mind, and I know cancer strikes everybody in many different ways. But know you can always call. Many can attest that I will tell you if I feel like crap and can't talk- but mostly you can hear it in my voice. But it should be all upswing from here.

Many have asked what the next steps are. I'll tell you what I know: The study goes on for several more months. I am being re-randomized into 2 groups, one that gets the Avastin and one that doesn't. Obvious prayer there. But know that if at any time something happens and Dr. Hicks believes I need the medicine I will be taken off the study and put on the Avastin. A bit of relief there for me. Of course I will feel much better after the CT scan and CA125 are done and results in, but I am a bit more calm right now. And I suppose that if those results aren't good, then I don't know....Can't go there right now. I'm going to enjoy my few weeks before all that. Regular blood counts today and next Monday, just the white/neutriphil counts. But I'm pretty sure I'm not avoiding crowds unless it's really low.

Yes, I'm going to the womens banquet, yes Shelly is coming with me and I hope my sister. Mom, do you want to come?? Sharpe Thanksgiving is on Wednesday and Willey on Thursday so we'll be well fed. And tonight is Ham and cheesy potatoes. And now feeding us is done. THANK YOU FOR FEEDING US. That was a huge blessing especially since I know it was so hard to go gluten free.

One more thing- I was kidding about the black hair, although it is possible. I don't have black hair yet anyway. However, it is either totally gray, which I've earned, or toe head blond, which I'm not sure about.... But, if it does grow in black, I will spend one day in the world of Goth. I have black clothes, even a long black coat...... Now for the makeup...

Well, I'm quite the chatter box this morning. For a while we'll keep this site going but I am so hoping it won't be necessary for much longer!!

Thank you for praying, for following what God asked you to do for me and my family, and thanks for pushing out of your comfort zones to take care of us.

Love to you all,

Vicki

Did I mention

Did I mention dinner is so good when others make it!! Thank you to all who have cooked for us. I think we're done with that- but you know, if you ever have the urge to drive yourself crazy trying to cook a gluten free meal you just go right ahead!!

Did I mention that it was my last chemo?? I am starting to feel really excited. I'm a little nervous to get too excited. Blood work every week until week 3 then CA 125 again and just the study drug/placebo. That only takes a half hour and I can drive myself so that is good. I think I have about 17 more of those treatments, putting me into summer time. The prayer there would be that I get randomized into the group that is receiving the Avastin. I am going to be re randomized-not sure why that is just how the do it. We are fairly certain I have been receiving it the last 5 treatments. so that is good.

Did I mention that I was upset because I thought I wasn't going to see Mary again, the wife of that new couple we met last chemo receiving iron... I just really believed God wanted us to see each other again- and for me to be there for her if her news is not good. But God is always good, and so in your face sometimes. He did that to me the whole service in church with Aron original song, the message, the hugs. I just really needed church on Sunday. And wouldn't you know the minute I was done with my treatment Mary and Jim came in. I'm not kidding. So we talked for just a bit. She doesn't know a whole lot yet but she seemed a bit more at ease. I now have her email so I can stalk her like I do others!!! Maybe she's on facebook! Anyway, that was such a blessing.

Did I mention that I talked with Chris, the NP and she said again, no worrying, she and Dr. Hicks are not worried and they have seen this trend before. My CT scan is on December 4th- yuck- but will bring answers. Until then I am stepping away from the ledge I've been teetering on and letting God handle it for me. I've already proven incapable. So right now, I'm away from the ledge- tomorrow may be a different story.

Did I mention how much WE love and appreciate you all? Thank you for walking thru this with me, even though it is a really LONG walk.

Did I mention I think my hair is going to grow in black and straight?? I'm going goth folks!

Love and blessings to you all,

Vicki

Wonder

I am still wondering about why the postponement had to be, but that is ok. We took some first steps toward family health this weekend. We joined Lifetime fitness and spent a little time there today. Austin played some basketball and Abbi and Jay did a little rock climbing. I am looking forward to swimming, myself. I like to swim- not so much into the whole 'upstairs' department, for sure not until my immune system is stronger. So tomorrow after church we plan to have our first real session there. Jay is going to love that children's area. So, one step taken. Food is next, but that is going to have to come in baby steps, but I'm eating way more veggies for those darn flavanoids... oh the learning to be done.

Which brings me to my CA 125 which was 29 on Thursday. Yep, that's up, but still within normal range. It is really hard for me to not focus on the numbers when everything depends on the numbers- like white cell count, neutrophil count, red cell all of which affected whether or not I could have my chemo. Numbers are the statistics, they make the rules, yet we're not supposed to focus on them. Well, I'm trying, but it isn't easy. The fear? If it is raising while I am on chemo, what happens when I am off.... I know our great God knows no boundaries especially numbers but my head is mortified at times. So Tuesday we try again, blood work first to be sure but my counts should all be good so in my head it is THE plan. My NP will be there also so I can ask all of those scary questions I have, and she is into holistic medicine also so I have a couple of questions about that as well and am glad I can get some straight forward, trustworthy answers about some of it.

Good night and God Bless,

Vicki

Oh! The wait

Well, I am postponed again, but we are going to try again on Tuesday. I think, and so does my NP, that my neutrophil count will be up. Right now it is 1.2 and it needs to be 1.5, so we're looking good.

I am feeling a bit better than earlier. I talked to Chris (NP) about the CA125 and what if it is a bit higher again and she did a great job reassuring me that anything under the 35 mark is good, to not stress out about it and that they would tell me if I needed to stress out. So I'm trying.... I do not yet know what my CA125 was today. I will find out in the morning when I schedule my chemo for Tuesday. Never been there on a Tuesday.

So, I'm coming to church- white count is good, and quite frankly I need some worship time. So see some of you then.

Thanks for keeping me lifted up.

Vicki

Hello again

We had a really nice time tricks and treating and no-one got any rocks!! We walked for 2 hours and I survived. Plan to do a bit more walking this week with Jayson as long as it doesn't get too cold. Why does chemo make you so cold?? I feel like I am constantly on the verge of a Renauds attack, which I don't like so much!

I feel great, antibiotics working their magic. We changed to another one that doesn't tear up my already ruined tummy. Yes, I'm eating just fine (even better now that we have so much candy. YUM)

I was listening to my third day cd, revelation and song 10 just blew me away. I was cleaning and organizing Jayson's school/craft/crap stuff, trying to eliminate the crap... Anyway, it's about giving love and when you give love He returns it so much more. I just felt like that person, being given so much love because He loves me so much. It hasn't been so personal to me lately, so it was a reminder that Jesus is mine for the taking. Just very powerful. Here are the lyrics:

Give Love

By: Third Day

Whisper softly to me

Share with me your heart.

And just ignore the world and what it does

I know that you’ve been hurting you’ve been torn apart

And I pull close to you in my arms

If you give love

I'll return the love and you will see

So much more than you gave away

Give it to me

Listen very closely as I sing this song

And please believe that I mean every word

When I say I love you

I mean it with all my heart

Let it be the best thing that you’ve ever heard

Whisper softly to me

Share with me your heart

Makes me love you so much more and makes me excited to be able to give love again soon.

As for prayer requests- simple complete and forever healing of my cancer. But please include little Noah, Alex's little buddy who is not doing well. For those of you who don't know who Alex is in my life, I am going to work on a write up and will post it in the resources section....Also my friend Angi and the brain cancer- I believe her radiation begins tomorrow.

Vicki

Ya know...

I guess it was bound to happen, me getting sick. 3 kids in school and I can't turn down hugs.... Anyway, nothing serious but they put you right on antibiotics when you're on chemo, so at least I didn't have to fight for them. I believe it's all sinus related, red ear, chesty cough.... I think that means I won't be in church next week. Other than that I am feeling pretty good. So keep me laughing via here or facebook, email or phone!!

Getting ready for trick or treating on Friday- resting up so I won't have too much trouble walking so far. Romeo is something else when it comes to Halloween. It's an annual party for us and that darn devil ain't taking that away. Let's see, we'll have a NASCAR driver, a cat, and a baseball player this year.

Blood work is tomorrow- expect it to be low, of course because of whatever my body is fighting off. Mom and dad leave tomorrow also, house gets cleaned and I'll stay horizontal in front of the brain sucking machine I love so much.

So on we go. Please pray that the antibiotics work-slightly anxious about the whole thing. However my DO said it was actually a good point in the cycle- kick it's butt now so chemo can kick cancer's on the 14th! Last one-last one. I can't believe it. Pray the cancer is gone-FOREVER.

Thanks!!

Vicki

It's all good

I know it is so weird, but we had so much fun. I brought tattoo's (thanks Becky Jo) and we put them on all the nurses and patients and I have one on my head. It's a pretty butterfly. We were a little crazy.

We also met a couple and the husband had a great story to tell, but in essence he was diagnosed with MS a while ago and has been taking a supplement that takes away all his symptoms. This touches me deeply because my uncle had very aggressive MS and died within 7 years. very sad. And to see this man with no symptoms was a bit overwhelming. Needless to say he shared some info and I'll have my live in pharmacist check it all out. You just never know about supplements because the makers can say anything they want. But he was a live testimony, so that sure makes it easy to believe. Also something about oxygen pills- but I got really confused, so I'll have Tim read that stuff too. His wife was there to get iron thru IV and comes 2 times a week and they have found something in her abdomin, so I gave her my number just in case it is ovarian cancer. I think she gets some answers next week .Anyway, remember that purpose I was wondering about- well sometimes Jesus just slaps your face with them doesn't he. I love him!!

Today I hung a cross and wrote Jesus Juice on it. Pretty cool. So tonight I feel normal, tomorrow I will feel mostly normal and then Sunday I start to fade away, but will hopefully be able to get to church. I just won't be looking so good is all.

Love you all for you prayers, meals, comments, cards and love so much. I cannot believe the outpouring of love.

Vicki

We're on...

Hi everyone,

The nurses just called about my blood work and I am a go for tomorrow. All counts were good. Now what I didn't tell you all last time is that my CA125 was at 24- the treatment before it was 20. That is a number we want to go down. Dr. Hicks said that I shouldn't worry, it's happened before and that he told another patient (and me) that he could take blood from the other arm right then and get a different result. She did make him do it and it was down 6 points... So I didn't make him do it last week, but I think tomorrow I just might. It's really bugging me!!

So today I will get caught up on laundry, and cleaning bathrooms. Already have the floors done. Chemo makes me nervous, anxious, mad, scared, happy, relieved- it's just too much. But only one more after tomorrow. Mom and Dad will be here until Thursday, and Tim and Shelly will be taking/staying with me. I have my craft all ready to go so bring it on- Jesus Juice to the rescue.

Specific prayer: NO DELAY next chemo- and healing. My risk of breast cancer is increased by 40% than the normal population, so fear never really leaves me alone.

Ok, that was a whole lot of honesty. Thanks for praying.

Love to you all,

Vicki

Over it

Hi everyone,

I just wanted you to know, in case you were wondering, that I am way over being postponed a week. I don't quite understand Gods reason, but I am sure there is one. Maybe one of the kids will be sick this week and need mommy only, or maybe my meeting on tuesday is of upmost important. Whatever the reason I know it is good even if I never do get to figure it out.

I am feeling much more awake today, able to attend our Church's Harvest Celebration and was in the fresh air for about 3 hours. It was beautiful out, chilly but sunny. Abbi helped run a game for a few hours, and Austin hung out and helped with Jayson a bit. Tim and I got to talk to people and that was wonderful. It's nice having my husband be able to do something with us during the day!

We've been watching the deer run around the pond playing, getting scared by their reflection or the fish. It's so funny watching the fawns run and buck and act just like kids!

No big plans for my extra week- get caught up with laundry and all that stuff. Think I'll lay low and let those white cells rise.

And an update on my friend Angi. Her brain surgery went very well and the doctors were all pleased with her recovery. I actually think she goes home today- surgery was on Thursday. I do not know what her follow up treatment is but will keep you posted. Please keep her and her family in your prayers. Brian is her husband, and Brooke and Hunter are her children.

See you at church tomorrow.

Vicki

Postponed

That about says it all. I can't have my chemo this week, so next week I'll have another blood test and hope for the best for next week. We planned it for next Friday. I am very bummed and kind of mad but know there must be some reason.

That's really all I have for now- I'm gonna wallow for a while and then get over myself

A new week

Boy I got a good laugh at church yesterday. I also have to admit I felt a bit if relief knowing that even a pastor doesn't have a great marriage. I think we have moments of greatness and then we move into one of those pushing and shoving matches about who is right and who is in charge. It is a long process. I so enjoyed his honesty because marriage is hard and sometimes even sucks, but if we are committed to loving in spite of how we feel it will eventually become better. I think we forget to tell the newly weds these things- the honeymoon really does end at some point, but sometimes is renewed when least expected. Plus I got to see so many of you, which always makes a day good for me.

I feel quite tired and am a bit worried about being postponed this week. I have a little sore under my tongue which I wouldn't want to spread to my throat- specific prayer, please. So I think I might just lay on the couch all day, keep organizing those pictures so I can actually do some scrapping. Only 3000 pictures to go- see my problem??

Keep Alex and Stephanie in prayer as well. He does seem to be doing quite well at school and with therapy- it's just such a long road. A different type of long than last year, yet still a long one. She still hasn't gotten the break she needs.....

And I'll give you a heads up now- Looks like we're doing another blood drive on New Years Eve, so start eating that broccoli now! We'll keep you posted on all that of course.

Love to you all. I'll post again on Thursday when I see the oncologist and get counts and all that good stuff. CA 125 that day. I want to see 0....

Vicki

Count Day

How boring is it when you're weekly update is about blood work!! But my counts are ok although I am glad it is not next week and right before chemo or I'd be postponed. But by next week I should be good to go. White count is 2.9, not bad, and neutraphil is 1.1 which is low. But more along the lines of my normal. I knew it would be lower only because I am more tired.

As for what I am doing while being home I have to say it involves Facebook and it is very addicting! I think we may need a 12 step program for us. I've gotten in touch with people from High School and college. Kinda fun. As for the scrapping, well, I, ummm think maybe I am procrastinating. Actually I have to organize the pictures in our computer before I can pick them out- not that I have to, but I must!! But seriously I hope that tomorrow I can start printing Austin's and organize them over the weekend and then get him done during the next week.

Jayson is healing well, thank you for your prayers and concern. It sure looks gross, though. He goes back Monday for a recheck.

Abbi and Austin are good and so is Tim. All seem to be handling things just fine. They both have all A's and one B+ on their progress reports so I don't think they are too stressed out!!

Thank you for keeping me lifted up in God's hands. I know that He is the one sustaining me and you are the one's keeping me there thru prayer. Thank you so much.

Vicki

Counts

I found out my counts today. My white cell count is at 4.0, which is higher than the day I had chemo. Not sure what it means, but I'm not sick so it must mean something good. And the other count called neutrophil is 2.7 or so, which is also super good. To put it into perspective I am usually at around 3.0 for white cells and 1.9 or so for neutrophil. And on the day of chemo white cells were 2.9 and neutrophil was 1.7. Amazing? Divine is probably more like it. Wouldn't it be something if my CA125 was ZERO the next time I test for it.... HMM.

On a totally different note: When you see people who are obviously struck with cancer (the hat/scarf and no hair is always a give away) please talk to them like they are normal people. It makes my shopping trip so nice when someone just says something about clothes, or the food or the sale or anything- even if it is about our health. I would guess that most people would be not only receptive but so appreciative to feel normal for a moment. At Kohls today (I had so much fun) someone asked me if I knew of any place that had decent dresses and we just talked a bit about this new style we have to wear now.... Then the girl who rang me up told me about her neighbor who after 11 years cancer free (Breast) she just found out she has ovarian cancer. So we talked a bit. After I got back to my car I remembered I had a OC ribbon on my hat. So I went back in to give it to her for her neighbor. Remember to reach out because we are all suffering in one way or another. Go and LOVE!!

Love to you all,

Vicki

A new day

Thanks for letting me vent and whine. When I think about it I really am getting off pretty easy with this stuff. Last night I was thinking how strongly I feel that I am supposed to talk about this- the good, the bad and the ugly. I've been trying to be honest here on this page and with people with the good and the bad, but the ugly is really staying put in my head or written in a journal. I feel very strongly that God wants me recording all this, somehow for some reason that I am sure involves stretching! Oh man, not that!! But ovarian cancer is so quiet and sneaky and evil. Maybe a cancer survivor/fighter group or something- I don't know. We certainly have enough people at MCC who have fought this battle...

Anyway, that's what I've been thinking about- writing it all out- but of course having some humor to go along with it, right?? The ugly stays put for now because it is full of worry and future and all things uncontrollable. I think about our 'thrones' Andy was talking about and I realized that many years ago I got pushed off my 'self absorbed' throne, and then off of my 'perfect working mother who can do anything' throne (that one hurt) and now the 'I'm in control of this body' NOT! When God wants you off a throne he really pushes hard. I have no control over this- all I can do is take my chemo, pray, rest, and hope my CA125 continues to go down and my white counts stay up a little. I can't control anything- baldness, eyebrows (although a friend is coming this week to teach me) eyelashes, all those things that make us pretty. My kids are used to seeing me bald and when I have the wig on they stop and stare. How funny is that?? I suppose all I can control is my attitude, which is usually great, and what we do with all this as a family and continually adjust ourselves to it. It just nicer to be able to adjust things to meet our needs, not the other way around.

Today is a new day. I see a ray of sunshine. Kids are going to youth group and life is normal. Soon I'll shower and that will make all things better:)

Love to you all,

Vicki

I'm alright

Well, it's Tuesday and I've been feeling pretty much ok. I did get quite tired on Sunday which is why we left church so quickly. Have you ever gotten anxious because things are going better than anticipated?? I do know the chemo is still working since my eyebrows are now gone, which I assume means my eye lashes will be next. Silly as it sounds that will bother me because I have really great eyelashes. But I'll see them again soon.

So this treatment I brought a craft, it is actually for all of you guys who have been helping me. My hope was to engage my 'neighbor' in the activity but she was so nauseous she couldn't even move. I felt so badly for her. But before my chemo a different woman sat next to me, Joyce. And you know how you know people are Christians.... we started a conversation, she saw my Jesus Juice sign for my chemo. I found out she is a 1.5 year ovarian cancer survivor, but her numbers are creeping back up so they put her on Avastin, the study drug we hope I am on. She prayed over her blood and then she joined hands with me and Tim and prayed for us- quite obviously a prayer warrior. It was a great 10 minutes. But could you add her to your list, please. Ovarian cancer is known, unfortunately, for it's reccurance which scares the crap out of me. But knowing that Avastin is at least a next step helps me to remain calm. I learned on Friday that the voice change that's been happening is a specific side effect of Avastin, so let's keep praying about that,

too.

So only 2 more chemo's and then quite a few 'Avastin' treatments, but at least they are only a half hour now. I'm sure my anxiety will decrease as the week moves on, but I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of hot flashes that wake me 6-7 times a night, I'm tired of the stares at stores and simply tired of being tired I guess. But I'm always a little more down the first few days after treatment. I am so thankful for my parents who can come and stay with me, for people who feed us during this week, for Miralax (gotta throw in one funny) and for the prayers, emails and visits- I do like reconnecting. It's weird not knowing what is going on with everyone else- Add that to my list of whining.

But praise God I am feeling good even if I shouldn't be. Praise God that I seem to be getting Avastin, Praise God for the people I have met along the way. And please be sure to pass on 'My Story' to your friends, as Ovarian cancer is so silent and quite the menace. It's on the resource page.

Sorry about whining, sometimes it's just what I need to do before coming back into the real world. I'm ok but I also want to be truthful and real about the whole journey. I don't want to look thru my scrapbook about it one day and call myself a liar. I just really miss being with people! I can't seem to concentrate on much of my bible study, but I guess slow is better than nothing. I decided that Philippians is where I'll start. I can handle 4 chapters!! I've even read thru it a couple times. Better head there again today.

Love to you all.

Vicki

Good News

Today was full of good news. It just wasn't worth the lack of sleep I got last night. So, here it is: I am good for chemo tomorrow, my CA125 was down to 20 (26 last time), my CT scan was good, just saw my kidney stones that I already know about, and IT IS NOT GENETIC. And now I start crying because I am so relieved. I won't have to make any hard decisions about radical mastectomy's or worrying about any of my children getting the gene mutation. And probably my sisters don't have to worry, either, but we're checking into that a bit more. So I am going to pick up Jayson at school, he wants to walk home (I hope I can make it to and from) and I am going to turn up my iPod praise music so loud people in their cars will hear it. Thank you for the continued prayer and support!! I'll update again next week when I start to recuperate. Chemo tomorrow at 10:00 for another 6 hours, but you know I'm renaming it Jesus Juice (thanks Holly) and writing it on the bags of medicine.

(And for reply's could you do it on the site, please. I am going to keep a copy of my well wishes and don't want to miss any when this is all over!!)

Love you much,

Vicki

Just a Note

It's been a pretty good week so far. I've noticed that I am way more tired than usual. This last chemo brought less nausea but much more fatigue. But, my counts aren't horrible, although I was told to be careful about being around others, hence no church. I did cheat a bit yesterday though to go to a 5 year old birthday party- who can resist that?? So fun was had gosh darn it!

I had a friend who is a breast cancer survivor give me a bunch of her hats and they are pretty darn cute. More for the cold weather.

But it's always exciting to get new hats.

I got caught up on Abbi's scrapbook- no small feat I might add. So this week I'll be choosing pictures for both of the boys and start cutting them so I'll be ready to scrap once I recover from the next chemo. Now, my white cell count was ok but the other one they watch called neutraphil count was getting low, so I'm going to try eating some foods that may help. I'll know on Thursday if I can have my chemo on Friday or if it will have to be postponed. We'll see. I'll know on Thursday when I see the NP, find out my new CA125 number, and I think find out about the genetic testing. Kind of a big Thursday.

My CT on Friday went well. I didn't have the usual, extremely unpleasant side effect I usually have- I'll keep the gory details to myself, but some of you know what it is. So I guess I won't be quite as apprehensive next time. Results from that also on Thursday. Man, what a day.

Kids are still good and enjoying school and Tim and I seem to be keeping up with what's due when. They are really keeping on top of things quite well.

Ok then, this tired girl is going to bed. Good night to you all, and thank you again for all your prayers and support. I didn't get to hear this yesterday, but Darcy said that I was fighting cancer and winning. It feels good to hear it, a bit hard to believe at times because you just can never know. So I'm glad you're all around to remind me- healing is just a few treatments away.

Love to you all.

Vick

Love

We learned so much in church today- just love one another as God loves us. Seems so simple but our very lives make it so difficult. We regret not making time to see people we really want to see. We forget to take care of our bodies. We rush from one event to another hoping the traffic lights will be on our side, and when they are we actually thank God for that. (Been there done that) Life has a way of making us slow down, though. Today I learned that spending time in His word will help me to hear God speak to me. That is what I 'crave'. I have heard him before- twice. The first was in choosing to go back to school to get my teaching degree, the second was to marry Tim. Both very important decisions that I was glad I didn't have to make by myself. I am somewhat bummed that Beth Moore can't be the one to help me hear Him though. At least she makes us look for our answers and apply them to our own lives!! I did just start using my Discovery Bible since I knew I'd be missing out on my beloved ladies bible study. (I miss you guys) And although the questions aren't too strenuous they do make you think- and think about the part of the bible you just read. I really like it. I want Jesus flowing thru my veins. What an image. Thru my veins, to my cancer and I'd like him to just hang out there a while until he heals me. I want him to be in my head to calm my anxiety over the possibility that my ovarian cancer is genetic. If it is there are a whole bunch of serious decisions to be made. (No, I don't actually want to talk about it until I know there is something to talk about) So I guess that is what I'll study tonight, 'Be anxious for nothing but in bring everything to prayer and supplication' so that Jesus will be right there, in my head.

Mike could have filled a whole day talking about examples of love, though, so I add my own. In my moment of solitude I have a church who is feeding us, praying for us and loving on us in whatever way they can. The cards, the emails, the posts on this site, the Acia berry smoothies from Caribou (hint)... Each one a reminder that there are people helping me even though I have to spend these moments resting and fighting alone. Not lonely, just alone. And that these people represent what Jesus is: LOVE

You all bring tears to my eyes,

I love you,

Vicki

Half way there

Well, we are half way done now. That feels good. Down hill is always easier. I met a woman who was sitting with a relative of hers and she is a Christian. No deep discussion but we talked about our kids downloading music and listening to the words and all that older kid stuff. Our daughters have a lot in common- messy rooms and such. Kinda fun. The disappointing news I did get was that my next chemo could be postponed one more time-it's because of the study I am in and they have to follow that protocol instead of their usual protocol. As I understand it, if my counts are down right before the next treatment they will give me the shot that will help bring them up and then I'll have to wait another week. Now that might change, but that is how I understood it (emphasis on my trying to understand medical stuff) So meal providers be ready for yet another change. Sorry about that. I suppose that is also a specific prayer request as well. I have my Boost and Holly lent me a cookbook so I think I'll make some more of the 'low counts' recipes. The broccoli and cheese soup was good. Thankfully I can handle that smell after about a week of my chemo's.

School is going great for the kids so far. Jayson just loves Kindergarten and Abbi and Austin are enjoying Middle School. He has his first test on Monday. He and Tim are going to see Al Kaline (baseball great) at one of the dealerships in town. Should be a little fun for them I think.

Over and out for now, and for the net couple days. Not sure if I'll see you tomorrow at church or not, but my parents are going to bring the kids.

Love to you all. Thanks for your support and love.

Vicki and family

Can you say remission?

Thursday brought some slightly disappointing news that my chemo had to be postponed for a week. My white cell and neutorphil count was too low. You know I just wanted to stay on schedule, but God has other plans. The bummer is that my sister flew in from NC to help me this time. We decided that means that we were supposed to have fun this weekend instead. We head to Port Huron today to play in the water and on the jet ski (I'll be the girl with no hair) with both sisters at my parents house. And now I can enjoy the peach festival, craft show and feeling well. But the biggest benefit is that I will be well for the first day of school, which was honestly stressing me out. How do I take my child to Kindergarten on the worst day of 'chemo week'? So now, no worries about that.

We also got some very awesome news, that my CA125 is down to 26, which means I am clinically in remission! I am reluctant to celebrate, but I've been reluctant to feel too much anything these last few months. But this is awesome, of course and celebration is in order. God is listening. He is making the chemo do what it should and He is healing me with it. Thank you, Lord. Thank you friends and family for praying constantly. Chemo continues for the total 6 rounds, no stopping that but that is ok with me. It's hard to argue with it when it works.

I humbly thank you, and for everyone who is changing their meal schedule. I'll have some vacancies so I will try and get the calender updated in today or tomorrow.

See you at church!

Vicki

5 days

It's been 5 days since I've cried! I think that is a breakthru. I sit here thinking about all that cancer takes from you like your independence, your identity (hair, scars, body parts), and just has so much control over what you can and cannot do. The very social person in me is just so mad about that. The more reasonable person inside me knows that now is the time to focus on me and getting healthy. But I still cry when my husband looks at me, bald head and all and tells me how beautiful I am. That's overwhelming to me. You just don't feel very lovely with a 6 inch scar down your belly, no hair and a face that breaks out because of chemo. Not to mention the port and it's own special scar. I have a great husband.

But that's enough pit dwelling. I also sit here and know that my body is healing, that my CA125 proves that which means the chemo is working and remission is on the way. I have a huge bunch of friends who work hours to make something for dinner that my whole family can eat. That is so important to me, that Austin isn't left out. I have a family that supports me by coming to stay with me for 5 days while I work thru the nausea after chemo so I don't have to deal with laundry, kids, cleaning. I have a best friend who takes all the hugs I shouldn't be accepting and another who drives 4 hours to help take care of me and the kids.

I also have a wig now. It amazes me how that helps with feeling normal. It is pretty good- very blond, but that suits me at so many different levels!!

All that to say that I think I've come to acceptance. I have cancer, plain and simple, and I'm doing all I can do defeat it. The doctors and nurses are doing all they can and the chemo is doing all it can. We're doing all we can to see if it is hereditary so my sisters have even more information to go to their doctors with. That leaves us with praying and God doing the rest. He'll make this a journey that reveals himself thru me. I don't know what that is yet, but I'm sure he'll let me know. I think it has something to do with facing my worst fears- cancer and dying while my children are young. (Not meant for tears-just is what it is)

Specific prayer requests would be for my white cell count and my neutraphil count to go up. If it doesn't get to a certain point I won't be able to get my treatment on the 29th, and I'm all about no set backs. As school starts I'll need a little energy for the homework scene. And I am very restless at night, even with medication.

Two down

Well folks, we're a third of the way done!! And my CA125 was 38. That's almost within normal range!! (0-35) Makes it that much easier to focus on the healing and the prize of no cancer at the end. Shelly and Tim stayed with me today and the nurses are a blast. We ended up singing theme songs to the good old shows and had to look up Gilligan's Island lyrics because none of us could remember what they sing at the end and how they change the words at the end. It was quite hysterical I must say...

I'm sure I'll be checking emails and this site from day to day, but I'll be down on the couch until Wednesday- which doesn't mean you can't call or email!! I can't talk long, but I'd like to hear what's going on with you. I'm missing that part of my life.

I'll post again when I am up and about. I really would like to come to church on Sunday since counts are way UP (yeah) and I don't really have to worry about that, but I'll be so tired and a bit nauseous, so if you could pray that I can make it that would be wonderful.

Thank you again for all your support and love and coveted prayers!

Vicki

Bye Bye

Hi friends and family,

Well, yesterday was the big day, at least it was supposed to be. I did get my hair cut off since I was loosing so very much each morning and that was stressful. My great wig is not so much... It came in and the girls at the wig store saw it and knew the curls and color were not right so I guess they ordered a different one, which came in earlier this past week, but it was also the wrong color. They tried to find one and have it overnighted for me for yesterday, but it was not for me. Dilemma: I find all this out yesterday, my hair is going fast but I have no curly wig... won't come in until this wed. or thurs. I could have waited a couple days with my hair, perhaps, but I still would have several days without my wig. So I decided to take control and get rid of the hair which does make the mornings a little less stressful. My mom and Shelly came with me for support. So we did find a wig to wear until the curly one does come in, one that makes me look like my youngest sister. Many years ago when I did actually straighten my hair I did look like I do in this wig. But alas, I couldn't wear it to church today. So hopefully next Sunday if I can make it to the worship jam session I will have some curly hair, although it will be much blonder, but I'm ok with that. I'm a total blond at heart (keep all smart comments to yourself).

All that to say that yesterday sucked, but today is a little better. It was a huge step to come to church but I also knew I had to- for me. And with it being all about prayer- WOW.

The kids think it is hysterical that I look like their aunt. Jayson had to stand up in the tub to check out my head without a hat or wig. Thought it was 'so cool'. Abbi and Austin seem ok with it, and Tim thinks it's kinda funny that he has more hair now, which it is!! Me, I'm not comfortable yet being bald, but I do like being able to wear a hat for a change.

Next step, the grocery store.

Thanks for loving me thru this.

Vicki

Normal

I did not know that I could feel normal during this treatment schedule. It was a wonderful blessing let me tell you. It's somewhat empowering to know that there is some normalcy beyond the day of chemo and reminds me that I can do this, that 4-5 days of yuck is tolerable when the end result is being healed. I had someone tell me that at church yesterday, that God said I'd be healed. Oh how I wish God spoke to me like that, although I would have to admit I haven't spent quite as much one on one time with Him. But I'm getting better about that, too. For now, one day, one treatment, one yuck fest at a time. Yes, I'm eating, yes I'm resting, yes I'm drinking fluids and yes I'm laughing, too.

Tomorrow is Jayson's birthday. That boy has been counting down since May, so we are ready for this birthday. His party is Thursday and we are going bowling. Fun stuff. Greasy pizza, sugary pop, cake, ice cream. Bring it on!!

Keep praying, keep believing, for me and for you!!

Thank you all!!

Vicki

One down

I have to say that today went a lot better than I expected- just the emotional stuff. No reactions during the chemo, nice nurses, nice company, great meds if I need them. teehee:)

I am not sure how I will fare the next couple days, but maybe I'll be one of the lucky girls that don't have much more than fatigue, although based on my record.... I really want to be able to come to the picnic tomorrow night at church, so that would be a specific prayer request. Thank you for all the prayers. I know that is what got me thru today- I really do. I think it was a blessing to be called to come in early so there was no time for stressing out, and now my time will always be earlier, so that is good too since it is 5 hours long.

I'll update the calendar with blood draw dates and all that although I don't anticipate needing rides to them. I'll try to keep you all up to date with enough info without crossing that TMI line....

Thanks for all I know you do and for what I am unaware of. I appreciate it so much. The food is so yummy and relieves so much stress I can't even tell you!

Hope to be seen tomorrow.

Vicki