Tuesday, February 25, 2014

On almost 6 years

I've been spending the last 2 days updating my blog with my old entries from my LHH.  I've been wanting to have the 'whole' story all in one spot, mostly so I don't loose it!
Looking back at some of the entries I actually remember writing them.  I remember the feelings of being scared, of waiting, of all of the firsts.  I remember being scared to write and share!  I shared so many boring numbers with you-but I was sharing and that was HUGE for me.  Hard to believe now, but sharing wasn't and still isn't a strong suit of mine. Quite a bit has changed hasn't it.
Remembering my hair falling out and the whole wig debacle! Such a very bad day that was.  I remember being so self conscious about being bald.  Now I just walk around bald and don't feel weird about it.  I remember the looks I got from people, the lack of eye contact.  Now it just doesn't bother me and see it as their issue, not mine.  However I will talk about it when asked.
It's been almost 6 years friends!  So much has changed.  My fear level still lurks around my brain but it doesn't have complete access.  And the fear I have intermittently is not based as much on not knowing. It's more about being worried about the future, or about getting breast cancer, or about the month of May, or about traveling while the kids are here, or about making memories.
I've heard myself wish for, complain about and wonder why I don't get the miracle of healing.  It's very evident that since I am alive today, I have gotten a miracle.  Not many of us make it past 5 years.  So Dear Lord, thank you.
I've learned a lot about food and eating better, exercise although it isn't something I like, vitamin C and hyperbaric treatment.  Right now I'm still exhausted so very easily when energy is exerted because… well for pete's sake it's only been 2 months since my last chemo, and those 5 rounds were very difficult on my body.  Gotta love the cumulative effect. I've learned to just be, to enjoy, to live as normally as possible.  I did get a bit of good news last week tho, my CA125 only rose 4 points and that is just such a relief.  If you remember what the plan is, when my number raises to a certain point (yet unknown, but we'll pretend it's 170) I'll have to have a dose of chemo, just one, then wait again for the number to rise…repeat, repeat, repeat hopefully for many years!  As crazy as all this sounds, it's a relief.  Why is this more doable in my mind?  I truly have no idea.  I have no idea when I'll have to be 'dosed', I'm just waiting…. And I'm ok with that.  Growth?  Gosh I hope so.
I'm feeling like I can make plans for the future.  That's freedom right there.
I'm feeling like the bone pain will go away when I can move!  Hurry spring.
I'm feeling like I can help again.
And I have some serious spring cleaning issues right now.
I'm feeling like I can hope again, believe more fully, and build my relationship with Jesus back up.

Thank you for praying for me.  I'm feeling again, which is better!