Monday, April 27, 2009
Anyone else from church get beat up yesterday? It was a good beating, don't get me wrong. Kind of made me want to whine about whining.
Relationship- it's all about our relationship with Jesus. A foreign concept to some 'religions' who do set up those rules and regulations to make you a good (fill in the religion of choice). I dropped religion long ago. Repeating text that was memorized and regurgitated did nothing for my heart. Finding a Jesus who was real, who was mine, who is yours, was very real. It changed my heart, changed how I look at people, talk and react, live and breath. It definitely changed how I fight. I've been known to chase after a good fight- literally. But I've never actually been in a fist fight. The fights I sought usually revolved around a sister or friend who was being threatened or wronged. I have a strong sense of loyalty to my friends and sisters. Some of you have seen that, some haven't. It can be ugly at times, but only because of the deep love for these people. Add a husband and 3 children and you have an instant recipe for a strong defensive strategy. (Please do not mess with my kids!!)
I like to move forward, to be propelled forward. I've never had to lean in to God like I have this past year, that is for sure. I am very glad I had some practice, though, before cancer entered my life- and yours. Although I was, and at times still am, scared about the future, I never was mad at God or blamed Him for any of this. That is big I think. I've had enough experience leaning on Him in the smaller things (comparatively speaking) so I was able to lean in during the beast of burdens.
KAPOW! That video was amazing. Doesn't He care that I am perishing?( I don't mean I think I am dying, but we all will) Doesn't He see my storm? Doesn't He care enough to calm it for me, too? Maybe Jesus was just pretending to be asleep on that boat. Maybe it was a test- to see if the disciples knew Him at all. They didn't, until that day. I think Jesus was asleep because He was resting in the knowledge of knowing. Knowing that God is right in the middle, down in the hull of our boat in the storm. Personally I get so sea sick. Tends to be how I react at times, too. Make myself sick with worry, or fear, or longing, or confusion, or denial, or avoidance. When I do finally call out, Jesus always answers me. And that unexplainable peace, that peace that passes all understanding, is mine. It's inexplicable if you've never experienced it. I mean really, what's there to be peaceful about in any storm we have? But KNOWING that I am not in control, that God has my back, no matter how the storm ends, is reason for praise and peace.
I used to think the song "Lean on Me' was written from a people perspective. Maybe it was divinely inspired from Jesus' perspective.
"Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on. For, it won't be long, till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on."
Guess it is from a people perspective since Jesus doesn't need to lean on anyone for support. Thanks for being my support.
Andy said that Jesus is in our boat and if we would just lean in, take that first propelling step forward, God WILL rush in, and that is faith in action.
I John 4:18 says, There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
You cannot find perfect love anywhere here. People are just not perfect. Only Jesus can give that to us. Yet another free gift if we would only receive it.
So as I've been saying, love on.... in Jesus name.
Vicki (and I think Polly was here today)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Number just rule life! Numbers make or break a day when you have been diagnosed with cancer, living with cancer. My number was good, CA 125 of 24. Love 24. Hate being a slave to the number. Yet without that number we wouldn't know what was going on inside me. It's a love/hate relationship.
I am so excited to have a spring and summer. We missed it last year. I can't remember what the kids did because I wasn't really a part of any of the activities- some, yes, but not like usual. Strange loosing a whole season of memories. I am ready to start pricing the mulch and get the gardens looking pretty. Good thing I mostly do just perennials. But oh man, the weeds left over from last year.
Time to pull all those weeds, the ones in the garden, the ones that still control me at times. Weed of fear, I am pulling you and throwing you away, in my pile to God. Weed of anxious waiting, be gone. Weed of doubt, head on to the pile. Weed of recurrance worry, ZAP. Weed of time stealing, stop and face my Jesus. Thank you Lord for being my gardener. Please add mulch and beautify my soul.
Yep, time to garden.
Please pray for my friend whose numbers are acting up. Thanks.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Coming back from this vacation is so bitter sweet. It was our first vacation since cancer entered our lives. Tim had to use his summer vacation last year for my surgery/chemo treatments. It was about a year ago that my tummy pains became unbearable. As I was outside today raking out the gardens I realized that at this time last year I couldn't do that. I don't think I realized how much pain I was having. But fast forward to today, and I feel like I can relate to so much more in life.
Take running away for example. Being gone for 10 days from responsibility of the home is so great!! Just going and doing what we wanted- road trips- family and friends. I get running away. I rarely thought about cancer while gone, or recurrance, or anything else pertaining to cancer. It was great. But on that long car ride home I remembered- treatment on Tuesday, back to reality.
I know that my hair is getting longer and it is difficult to tell, if you don't know me, whether I am healing or just have short hair, right? But this is what happened while zip lining. The owner was relating a story about a grandma who wanted to make a lasting memory for her grandchildren because she was dying of cancer. He went on to tell us about how much fun they all had. Austin just looked at me with that smirk and said, 'but not you mom'. (yeah, cry here) I just said, nope, not me. We've conquered cancer and now we will conquer zip lines. How do you make light of such a comment. It isn't light at all. How I wish I could be inside their heads so I knew what they were really thinking. In this politically correct world, maybe we could come up with a way to say things differently about the things that are truly important- like life. Living with cancer- not dying. Good grief people.
So we ran some more, to Great Wolf Lodge in NC and had a blast. No time for anything but fun. Then ran to DC for a couple days. At least until the vortex swallowed us. We can't seem to go on a vacation without having car issues. So, on the way to DC the truck window got stuck down. Why, you may ask, was the window down. Well, that is because we were waving to my sister and her family from our truck, on the freeway, going 70 miles an hour. We did this a couple times, even took pictures. But the best part was the semi truck driver who joined in, honking his loud semi horn, waving and acting silly just like us. It was hysterical! Of course we got his picture, too. Anyway, 4 hours late, we arrived in DC.
Speaking of DC- have you ever stayed at a 4 star hotel?? I haven't, but we got in one for so cheap from Priceline.com. So we get there at 10:30, looking like you do after a 6 hour trip, made 4 hours longer because of the car detour. Got the picture. So we're trying to unload and the bell hops won't let us touch our own bags, load them on the carts and all that. Very nice, but when it's pouring rain, really, just let us get our stuff. Too much pressure to do it in front of the bell hop. Then they take it up to your room and bring it in the room. Too much for this do it yourself gal!! Still, nice. The hotel was so beautiful. We looked like a bunch of country bumkins in the big city!! On Thursday we walked the city- 5.25 miles that day. Stayed mostly in the area of the monuments and the reflection pool. Didn't get to see any tea partied, though.
What a great vacation/run away. I like the feeling of not having to think about anything except having fun. All good runs must come to an end though. I am thankful for the chance to run, for feeling so great, for being able to keep up with the 'normal' people.
I did get a chance to run to God, too. Got one week done in my bible study that I am so far behind in. And I saw him so often- in having a place to get the car fixed, in the children mostly making it thru DC and walking, in keeping the kids healthy, in meeting my sisters friends, in meeting up with Shelly, but wanting Beth to be there too. I just love how God is there in the middle of it all. No blow ups, no major issues, just some fun.
Let the running stop. Let the way of living begin- If I ran forever I would never have the time to stop and reflect- to stop and see the good in life, even the good in sickness. So, back to walking the walk, with you and Jesus by my side.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
It's been a year since we've left and gone away for vacation, for obvious reasons. It is so nice to be away- I don't have to worry about the animals, Sarah has Reba and is, um, well- very busy with her. And friends are letting Button in and out.
It feels good to be outside, to have some sunshine. Today's plan is Easter bunny, my sisters church and then James family coming over. Another great day.
It is quite overwhelming to meet my sisters peeps. I know how long they have been praying for me. Now they are my friends, too. I could move here, have friends, a church and neighborhood community. It's just built right in here. Of course a few people would have to come along- like my church and Beth and Shelly, sister and parents, but other than that...
I guess the point is that even people you may not know, who love your sisters so much that they automatically love you as a part of their circle, can be a part of your community.
I guess that is the whole point about Easter- so much love for us, whom he didn't even know yet, but he died for us- forgave us- was tortured for us, by his choice. Then, to make our lives even better, he rose from the dead just so we can be together with him for eternity. We will see our peeps in Heaven. I will be a part of the NC peep circle, as well as my other circles.
Thank you for being a part in my circle.
Thank you for loving on my family during our crisis and including me as a part of your lives.
I don't love you as much as Jesus does, but I do love you.
I feel great- can't wait for Great Wolf tomorrow, and then DC on Wed-Fri.....