Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Season of NOISE!

We went out to dinner tonight, a nice time with just Tim and Jay and I. Abbi and Austin were too teenagery to want to join us, so we left them. HA!
We went to a local restaurant where there 23 big flat screen televisions, more individual tv's on some tables, and 3 HUGE screen tv's. On each tv was a sports show or a news show, not every tv had a different show. It is the perfect ADD restaurant. I looked around an noticed not a single tv tuned to a conservative station at all. And the noise level was astounding. And two smokers had to put their cigarette butts in an ashtray outside our window, looked at me, and I just wanted to point to my head and say 'hey, that causes cancer and cancer sucks", which I have been known to do.
This time of year has so much stuff to do. There's just so much that I don't think anyone can come out of it unscathed by the stress and anxiety of having family and friends over or attending work functions, or going to friends and families houses. While it's beautiful, it's also crazy.
23 tv's. Different stations. Loud. Add a tv at the table to keep the youngsters entertained and you have the perfect environment to pick a tv and watch it instead of talking with your spouse. Now that's not what we did but you could watch people doing that. It was overwhelming. The noise. Oh my goodness.
But it got me thinking about the noise in our lives. I have friends and family going thru so much that sometimes I can't even hear the needs of myself or my own family. Marriages unravelling, friends/acquaintances having to go thru cancer treatments, friends suffering from extreme loneliness an depression, friends who need medications to cope with their bi polar tendencies who won't get the help they need, friends who have lost their spouse. It's so noisy.
I got to turn the noise down a bit this afternoon when I lunched with 3 friends, relaxed, did an 'easy' craft and then left to get stuff for a friend, go to Jays class for Santa Shop, run home to do some more laundry, not have to cook (YAY), having the kitchen completed for us (YAY) but running straight back into the noise.
This is supposed to be a season of rejoicing and loving and caring and giving. That is not noisy. Where does the stress come from when we are celebrating the birth of our Jesus. How is that stressful? We have to decorate, we have to get the tree out, we have to put up the lights, we have to, we have to, we have to.....
What we have to do is sit and read the story. Sit and absorb the GIFT that was given to us. Sit and contemplate that the birth led to the life, led to the ministry, led to the miracles, led to the betrayal, led to the death, led to the resurrection and leads to our salvation. That is not noise. That is the ocean waves against the sea shore, the raindrops on the roof, the roses in the garden, the deer walking thru the yard. It should be natural for us to want to sit and contemplate the deepest gift of love ever given, a birth with a mission and purpose designed by God. A son born to die to live so we can live. That is what this is about.
When the noise gets too loud and you can't hear the truth, sit down and contemplate the most love ever given to you. It is truly an amazing gift. Don't miss it. Don't let it escape. You can't buy it but you can give it. Go and share that love and spread what this season is really about. The birth of a savior who is Christ our King. It is CHRISTmas time. Merry Christmas.
Love well, love many, and love for keeps.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

About Care

After the sermon on Sunday, a sermon that really affected me, a sermon I thought might take some time to work out in my head- I had to practice it that evening.
Caring is a trait even I can admit is something I enjoy and can do. I can do it well, and I can do it halfhearted. But caring has been a part of my heart for forever, even before Christ took over my heart.
Our sermon was on caring, bringing us to the parable of The Good Samaritan. Do you realize that the first two people to pass this injured bleeding man on the side of the road was a Priest and a Levite- the two highest powers in the earthly church- a pastor and a church leader.... passed him by. The people who should be the most caring to others in need passed him by. To show the humanity in even the highest ranks of the 'church' we find out that they don't stop because the hurt person was from Jerusalem- a person unworthy of their help. Unthinkable that men of the clothe could assume themselves so much better than a layperson of a different race. The way it was explained really was sickening. But the man who did stop and help was the man who had a reason to hate the hurt man. A Samaritan. He saw the need, the life and death need of that man and he helped him. He fixed him up as good as possible then paid for his room for a couple days and care from the roomkeeper AND said he would be back to give more money if it was needed.
Caring costs us.
I've learned to care more deeply and more passionately because of how me and my family were cared for by you. Thank you friends.
But more than that my children have seen caring in action and they have learned to care also. It's kind of like a monumental parenting moment when you see that they get it- how to care. Now Abbi has always shown care and concern for people, shed tears over people and bad situations. She can understand how people feel. But now it's Austin's turn.
On Sunday evening we found out that one of his best friends dad died. Mark was a kind and gentle man and he and his son Aaron were quite close. Austin and Aaron have been friends since first grade. Lots of history, lots of fun, lots of hanging out with the family. Kinda like brothers that get along! Aaron wanted to have some time with Austin just to have some normalcy. So we went over sunday evening and spent some time with my friend Laura and Aaron. They played xbox- dah- and Laura and I talked. But I watched Austin step up and be ready to care. When I told him what happened and that Aaron wanted to see him he was ready. I didn't have to explain the importance of friendship, of how hard that night would be, of how mixed the emotions of the whole family would be. He just was ready. He also got to spend the next day with him and Aaron's uncle just hanging out. I emailed all of Austins teachers explaining the situation and that if Aaron needed Austin then I wanted and Austin wanted to be able to be there. I was so surprised by the positive responses from them. But that is a side issue. The point is that he cares and to see it happen in front of your eyes is so amazing. My kids are awesome and some of it has to do with what they have witnessed from you, me, and their friends.
Caring costs. It takes time and energy and often money to care properly for someone in crisis. If we can take that first step and walk into their crisis, we will be able to care. If we hang back and just watch, we can't really help or care for them. Now who would walk past a family whose father and husband just died? Let me make it more challenging and add that he committed suicide. Now can you walk past? It's easier isn't it because the death just got so much harder, the caring got so much more committed.
Isaiah 58:10-11 says: If you take away the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness. If you extend your soul to the hungry and satisfy the afflicted soul, then you light shall dawn in the darkness and your darkness shall be as the noonday. The Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your soul in drought, strengthen your bones; you shall be like a watered garden and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.
In other words, if we will pick up and help with the problems of others without judgement and pour our soul into their lives, then the light of our Lord will shine thru us. We don't have to worry about doing things 'right' because God will guide us and keep us strong enough to continue with caring for others. We will be rejuvenated with Gods love and care in our soul so we will always have enough love to care.
So I say again, Love on. And on and on and on and on and don't stop because you are scared. Your strength, your words, your hug, your meal might be the source of light that penetrates their soul. You might be one of many that bring the love of Jesus to them and makes the difference in their lives and salvation.
Caring deeply,
Vicki Pocket

Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Truth Is...

It is always so good to go to my ladies bible study. Getting to know and growing with others ladies is really a great way to spend some time. Thursday is bible study day for us at Macomb. We've been learning about idols in our lives and how they affect us and our relationship with Jesus. At the beginning of the study I thought one of my idols was fear. I learned that fear is not the idol, but the thing you fear is the idol. Wonderful- now my idol is cancer? Being healthy again? How messed up is that? But it sure does help to see it for what it is so I can get rid of it more quickly. It's not like I handle it well anyway, so please, take it all away sweet Jesus.
I got totally busted on Thursday tho. One sweet woman asked me how I am and how my blood work has been. I actually started to lie! Then I just came out with it to our table. I've been withholding information, from everyone except Tim. Reasoning? To not worry anyone. Why? Because obviously I have control issues. About 2 weeks ago I called to get the CA 125 results from the blood test I took right after the PET scan in September. I wasn't really concerned since the PET scan was totally clear, so I didn't call for the results until about 2 weeks after the blood draw. Turns out I just shouldn't have called. My number we 35, which is right on the border of normal. I cannot even explain the terror that went thru my body, mind and soul. I did talk to my awesome nurse and she simply restated that the PET was clear and obviously the blood work needs to be redone in 3 weeks (which is next week). And after we prayed for all the prayer requests I outed myself to the whole group. But that means extra prayer! And in fact they just stopped and prayed over me right then and there. It was so awesome. I even cried a bit, which is an accomplishment with the numbness I feel right now.
How do I feel about all this? Well, I'm not as scared as I was and I am NOT letting it control me. I will be a bit of a wreck next week but really, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change what that darn test is gonna say. Nothing. To be honest I am thinking about not even calling to get the results knowing they will call me if necessary. We'll see.
So, I am fine and I do feel good. I also really think the number went up a bit because of the infection in my port and all that medicine, and the PET scan and all that radiation. I guess we'll know next week. Until then it is life to it's fullest.
So many friends having so many tests. It's hard to not give cancer a place of horror in my life. Get behind me and my friends you beastly idol.
Thank you for loving and listening and asking questions. Sometimes the questions are prompts from God from you to me. To be clear, I do not mind answering question or talking about my cancer. (And normally I don't feel the need to lie!) She just asked the right question at the exact moment it needed to be asked. Thanks girl.
Vicki Pocket.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Remission

I have great news. On Thursday I found out that I am in remission. I came home from a wedding weekend to a decorated door with congratulations and balloons. So sweet!
My PET scan was completely clear. My follow ups will be monthly CA 125 blood test-the one that is a marker for Ovarian cancer. As long as that stays within normal range I'm good. PET scans will be every 6 months. I am however contemplating not doing them if my CA 125 is fine. So much radiation. I need to look into that more I suppose.
I am still feeling vulnerable and not really able to shake the feeling of fear of it coming back again. But as Shelly pointed out, that's ok. Every month with have it's little moment of anticipation and concern, but that is normal. I just need to figure out another new normal routine and what that looks like. My two word story was going to be SAFE? SAFE. I want to get back to feeling that again, in the middle of my circumstance. I want to get back to feeling safe no matter what the future holds. But for now I am still a bit frozen, not wanting to feel to excited about remission. Stupid, I know, but it is what it is and right now, that's what is.
Now it's time to get my heart back into shape, my body working out and getting strong for Chile. I want to be able to go there and not be breathless when exerting myself! Stupid chemo that I love.
So please don't stop praying. I actually have quite a few things I want to write about but haven't been able to process thru them. So hopefully I will be able to do that soon.
Thank you all for supporting me again. Here's to NOT doing it again!
Vicki Pocket

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Hero's


I was asked a question yesterday that nearly made me grow silent. I was asked what it feels like to be a hero to so many people. I had to think about that.... My response was, if I am their hero then they aren't hearing my story correctly.
Then I realized that really this time around I have not been as vocal about the recurrence journey- I suppose because I am still wrestling with why this is happening again. I don't have a whole lot of positive feelings right now and I am struggling with why. I am really struggling with why. Like why my grandma has to see me like this again, bringing her to tears and upsetting her so. Why my parents have to watch me do this again. Why my friends have to see it again. And my kids- Seriously, once wasn't enough?
But then someone else said he didn't know why God has trusted me with this journey again, but he has. Strange to think of it as a trust issue. But I believe it is. I haven't been very trusting or willing to believe that He has me in the palm of his hands. I mean my heart knows, but my head is constantly arguing the point.
I can't be anyone's hero. I am flawed, mad, unloving, untrusting, and struggling to believe it's going to be ok. That's no hero. That's someone who needs a hero. My hero is first and foremost Jesus,even when my head thinks otherwise. Then my hero's are the others fighting a similar fight, trying to remain positive when their world is falling apart. Then my friends and family, who never leave my side until I say it is ok.
See, but Jesus knows it's never ok for him to leave my side- he will never leave me or forsake me. And although I may not feel forsaken, I do feel defeated. I feel like I wasn't strong enough, healthy enough, trustworthy enough to remain healthy.
I do know how it ends still- I win no matter what the road is before me. I just really hate this road and cannot understand why or how so many of us are on it. But all our roads will collide together one day. And we'll all be together, which is the way we like it anyway.
All this to say, don't look to me as a hero. I am just doing what I have to, what God expects me to do, and I'm not doing it all that well this time around. The heros are people who stand by me and walk with me. That's what real strength is. The hero who has already saved me from this is Jesus. Jesus and friends/family are who stand by me. Prayer warriors who stand by me. Many people I don't even know are praying for me. That's what a hero is.
But I am taking a huge leap of faith and have joined the team that is going to Chile this spring. Abbi, Austin and I are heading that way on a mission trip for 10 days and we are all pretty excited about it. So I guess I am trusting a bit- either that or thinking I can control how long I am healthy if I am going to Chile.... Just kidding- it is a trust thing for me. No, I do not have to get any shots but we do have to get passports! Exciting.
Thanks for being hero's.
Vicki

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Keeping you up to date

CA125 is 25!! I wanted to keep you all up to date on my treatments. I met with my nurse last week- a meeting needed so very much. We talked a lot about the things I needed answers about and it was so good to be able to talk to her. She always makes me feel better and ready for the next step. The next step is that my CT scan was cancelled until my last chemo on the 23rd. Yes, one more, for a couple of reasons but mostly just because...and I am more than ok with that. Maybe this one more will keep me from any more in the future. Besides, it's what I expected and kinda what I want. After that I'll have a PT scan on Sept 19 and we'll go from there.
So many of you have been asking about the kids and I wanted to tell you that I know it's strange I don't have an answer for you when you ask. But I have a theory. I think because they know this is short term treatments they feel that it'll be over soon and that is that. And for now, that is fine since it is possible I won't have to have more treatments. Remission can last a long time! So life has been fairly normal for them. They see me down for a week but after that I am fairly normal. So I don't think they are overly stressed about this and know that it is short term and that my numbers are coming down and within normal range and that got me a few hugs! My kids are so sweet and have been quite helpful. In fact they painted the decks for our big Willey reunion and did a great job. I helped some, but since I don't do heat well they did most of it. And it is beautiful. I know they don't talk about me having cancer much because they believe it will be gone soon, and technically is right now. So that is how they are doing.
And I am doing good. I have a decent amount of energy and the chemo isn't bothering me too badly. It's just one week of yuck and I can take that! I do thank you for your prayers. Please don't stop. This is going to be my life- battling every now and again, or being in remission. Truth be told I've had to start on a different medicine to help me sleep. It does seem to be helping. My brain just never turns off. So my anxiety level is too high, of course. So hopefully sleep will help too! I like sleep.
And so many have been asking to help by bringing a meal, so this next chemo I accept your help and blessings. Remember tho that we are hard because of gluten free! No wheat (regular noodles, breaded items, bread, some seasonings) rye, oats or barley disguised as MALT. So if you feel up to it, great. If not, also great. Mommy is here to take care of me. I'll post it on the calendar.
Love you all so much.
Vicki

Sunday, July 24, 2011

That Chemo

Well, I guess it's time I fess up about the last chemo session I had on Tuesday. It was all normal (whatever) until about 3:00 when Shelly asked me about my eyes, which were red on the inside lids. I said they were fine, but then less than a minute later my head had some weird feelings, like smooshing in on itself and then my hands started itching like crazy. Turns out that is the most common sign of an allergic reaction for carboplatin. The nurses yelled "Vicki cant' have carbo anymore" and the unplugging of the chemo and the addition of benedryl and hydrocortizone and more zolfran made for one very exciting few minutes. I had a a red stripe from the back of my neck to my chest making me look like a skunk really. Quite strange. Course I had to pee, but couldn't until I could focus again. When I saw myself in the mirror- oh my.... So that's the real story. And it wasn't fun and it is still bugging me I think. Been more tired and more queasy than usual.
Now I did get really freaked because I thought the reaction meant I was rejecting the chemo- which wouldn't be good of course. But after talking to 3 people (yes, I'm serious) I found out that this reaction happens to everyone who gets carboplatin, either at the first treatment or sometime after the 6th. The one on tuesday would be my 8th. So the next drug they would use they think is cysplatin.
So as the story goes, I did get most of the carbo which is good I hope. Since I didn't get my complete treatment I don't really know what that means. I have a CT scan on the 8th and an appt. on the 11th so I will know more then. Until then life goes on with the Willey reunion here on the 6th, my mom's family reunion on the 20th in Chicago. Then, if we have to, another chemo that next week.
Altho that day was very unpleasant I have had a sense of peace I hadn't felt yet. I call it- whatever. Ingenious isn't it. I figure the allergic reaction happened for a reason. Maybe it isn't the right chemo. Maybe the cancer is gone so I didn't need anymore. Whatever. It happened, it was scary and surreal. And it makes it all the more mysterious and sucky.
So that's the story. My prayer request is obvious. I ask that the cancer be gone and that God heals me- physically and emotionally. And, I'd love you to post healing scripture in the well wishes. I've written a few down, but....
Thanks for coming with me. And thank you mom for staying and doing all the small stuff, and for refinishing my table and chairs. They look marvelous.
Vicki

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Another Garder

I know that when I write it may not make a lot of sense to some of you. Most of what I write about stems from our sermon at church. Today is no different. I'll try to explain better....
Today we went over how the type of 'soil' our faith is built on affects our life. How do we understand Christ? By being encouraged in our hearts and believing the fundamentals of Gods character, and by being united in love. United as a church body, united as friends, willing to go thru each others crap in life.
Aron had a great story- well really a ton of great stories. But the groundhog seems to be the highlight for me. You see (my words here) we spend so much time getting ready to sow our seeds- tilling the garden, breaking up the larger pieces of dirt and throwing out the rocks, fertilizing, and planting in an orderly fashion. An orderly manner. That one talked to me. Order. When life throws rocks at us we don't see order, we see chaos and ruin and we worry. We forget about the order. Order is necessary to keep the garden growing strong, to keep the plants where they can root properly so they can bear fruit. When there is no order, the roots can't grip into the ground firmly so the plant isn't strong so it doesn't bear much fruit.
Well, then the groundhogs come around and actually eat the plants, causing even more disorder. Now Aron has some ways of taking care of groundhogs (and so do the Willey's including a bb gun) one of them being bonking them on the head with a shovel. Now he didn't do it- don't go hollering at him..... The point: groundhogs ruin our order and our garden and sometimes they uproot the plant. (thinking that fence isn't really going to stop them by the way). An uprooted plant needs a lot of care and compassion and encouragement and friends to help get the roots planted firmly back onto good soil.
I don't know why the pastors at my church keep talking about me on Sundays. Seriously. How do they know so much.
But today I left fully aware that what I am is that tree, in a drought, whose roots are growing down deeper to search for the living water so that it miraculously makes the tree stronger during the drought. I've done it before. That satan is trying to discourage my heart, making me hear the statistics and the normal route that my ovarian cancer takes. Making me listen to how it's just gonna be my new way of life, on and off chemo.... It's all plausible, possible, understandable. Go away groundhog. My roots are so much deeper than that. I just forgot for a minute or two. I know who Christ is. He is what I strive to be like. He helps me to be united with my friends in their time of need. He leads me to people who need me. He leads people to me who I need. He makes me stronger because he is my heart. He is my healer in whatever way he chooses to heal me.
I've been reading and saying and praying healing scripture that my lovely sister in law sent to me. I have been choosing to believe health and healing. Then getting that number last week of 48. I really believe that on tuesday when I go for that second and hopefully final round of chemo my number will already be in the normal range. I'm just believing.
I am taking my Jesus Juice cross with me again, and that chemo is going to be Jesus running thru my veins, healing me.
I know I'm planted on good soil- not on a path, not on rocky soil, not on thorny soil, but good soil, tilled and tended to by the great gardener, ordered by Christ. So what can that groundhog do? I officially bop him on his head with Jesus. He can't 'unorder' me any more.
Love you all so much. Thank you for praying. I hope we don't have to go on this journey again! But thank you for being the people united for me in love and encouragement, pointing me in the right direction.
Order: Jesus, family, friends, church, groundhogs. Cancer is my groundhog, not my roots. What's your groundhog?
Vicki and possibly some Polly....

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Admonishing

I wanted you all to know that I did get my first CA 125 blood test on Wednesday. The good news is that it is lower, down to 78 from 111. It's only been 2 weeks since the first chemo so I feel fairly confident about it. Praise God the number is coming down. Absolutely. But would we if it didn't? What if it went up? Then what? We blame him? We panic? What? If you said Praise God when it went up I'd be crushed. But God would still be there. God would still be in control. God would still be the one I rely on. But praise him at that point? How do you do that?
And speaking about confidence, I don't have any. Even tho I kinda always expected to have a recurrence I never really thought it would happen. All those facts I learned the first time around- I just wanted all that fear and insecurity to go away. I just wanted to go on with life and live normally. And I stopped writing about all the things that God was doing in my life. Which makes me wonder if that is why this is happening again. Did I stop giving God the glory? Did I forget about him too much? Did I not share enough?
Now I called this admonishing for a reason. I know the above is not true. I know that. My thinking needs to be put into the proper order. The problem is that I'm not feeling much. Numb is how I describe it. Kinda like hit by a truck then it backed over me. I mean the timing of this, the fact that I couldn't go to CIY this year, my hair just getting curly again, baseball and end of school year again. Seriously? So how am I supposed to make it thru next may and june? It's just wrong.
So I am not stuck in a pit, I am not mad at God, I am not blaming myself or diet or whatever people want to do or say about that. I'm freaked because the chemo along with the anti nausea meds did not make me have those 3 super yucky days. Praise God you say? Here's my take- the chemo isn't working.... See- admonish away!!
Even sicker still- being relieved when my hair started to fall out! Remember last time it was the worst thing? This time I did it myself, just before I left the house to get Austin from CIY for baseball. Not kidding. Whatever.
So I need the admonishing because I am not feeling God right now. I did not say I have no faith. I did not say I am mad at him or blame him. I am just lacking feeling. I know he's here. I know you are interceding for me. I know he loves me and has me in the palm of his hand. I know. I just feel overwhelmed and defeated and confused and concerned and just want to be at the end of this. And that is the problem. There is no end. This is the new life. And yes, that pisses me off.
So yeah, as a mature Christian I feel like I am not doing justice to what God is doing. So I am going to try writing again, see if that helps me to see, feel and hear him in each step of this journey. I am perfect for the job of serving and not knowing everything! That is me! But I do learn so much from God. I just don't get it right now.
Christ is the hope and glory within me. Repeat. Then believe it. Then it'll feel real.
Hope and Glory are in me because of Jesus.
Hope. That is the feeling I am lacking.
Ok, blathering is happening. Thanks for listening.
Much love,
Vicki

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Ronald Ovitt Today

TODAY'S VERSE "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he." Proverbs 23:7 "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." Philippians 4:8
TODAY'S THOUGHT Solomon was warning his readers that what a person says isn't always the same as what motivates them. He concluded that what a person really thinks in his heart or inner thoughts, is his true motive. The same is true of us. What we think in our inner self, what we say in our self talk when nobody is around, is what really shapes us. This is why Paul talked about the inner dialog so much. In today's passage he tells us to focus our thoughts on those qualities that God would have us focus on, those positive thoughts that reflect His presence in our life. He says to think on things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. But it is not enough just to enter good thoughts, we need to battle those feelings, thoughts and core beliefs that are contrary to God and His word. He writes in II Corinthians 10:5, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Today, slow down and listen to what you are really thinking. Listen to your inner voice, your feelings and self talk. This is where the battle for who we really are is won or lost. As attitudes, beliefs, assumptions, motives or predictions are discovered, check to see if they align up to Biblical standards. If not, talk to God about it. Confess and renounce "every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Today, ask God to change you from the inside out
And that my friends is what I will be working on. Thank you for praying. I have nothing original to say at the moment, and I don't know how God wants me to live this journey again. But I will keep you up to date.
Love and hugs, since you can't hug me for real. UG!
Vicki

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Onward

Ok, here's the game plan:
My port goes in on Friday at 1:30. Chemo will start on the 22nd at 9 am. The cancer is not 'on' anything and statistically we are good- whatever that means. I don't actually ask that question.... But good is good. Probably will only need 2 treatments. There is actually a protocol just because it happens so often with ovarian cancer. I will also be getting the Avastin, which is the study drug I did get the first time around. Good news.
Mom and Dad will stay with me again wed-sun, then my sister is coming into town.
My MI sister is coming to both appointments with me, and I am sure Shelly will be coming to chemo with us. I know you all want to come, but it isn't big enough....:)
So there is a baseball tournament this weekend so I won't see you on Sunday, probably not the next either as that is usually still a 'sick' day for me. We'll see.
So the whirlwind is just how I thought it would be. But I have time to go to Toledo tomorrow to meet Beth and the kids as planned... Nice that I don't have to change that.
That's about all I have. Thank you for your messages. I cherish them.
Vicki

Sunday, June 12, 2011

What it was supposed to be….

Today was supposed to be my 3rd birthday since my surgery and official diagnosis of ovarian cancer. But today I write to tell you that it has recurred.
Recurrence of ovarian cancer is almost a normal thing. Mine is not different. There is a tiny spot by my liver. Between that and my CA125 of 111 cancer is determined. Recurrence will be a way of life.
The decent news is that because I am so far past my original chemo treatments (2.5 years) and did so well the first time around that the nurse and doctor are hopeful. However I will know NO specifics for you until Tuesday when I meet with them.
We told the children today. That is actually why I am writing you. Your child may tell you this before I get a chance to. I wanted to be able to call so many of you, but I just couldn't. I also my have mislead you these last few days that I did know, but that was because we hadn't spoken to the kids yet and we wanted to enjoy our Willey wedding and fun weekend together. Please forgive me if you feel mislead. It was for them.
I will continue to keep you posted using this site. I don't want my FB page to be about cancer. I am sure there will be times, but I want this to be the main form of communication. That being said, if you know of someone who would want to be apart of this but isn't yet, please send me their email address. If you no longer want to be a part I also understand. Just let me know.
I am sorry for the so very bad news. And just when I got a cute short hair cut with a noggin full of curls again.
Thank you for continuing to pray.
No, I don't know what we need. I promise to let you know. I am sure this week will be a whirlwind.
Much love,
Vicki

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Lost and Found

Teenage girl,
quiet, shy, naive,
lacking in self worth,
desperate for approval.
Finds 'love'
Fake as it was
Gave it her all
Until its removal.
Gave my heart,
Gave it all,
Left with nothing
Build from then on.
A college girl,
misunderstanding love,
Looks and finds some
Destroys her temple.
Smart as she is
Nice as she is
Love is elusive
Until it is revealed.
A young woman
living and working
figuring it all out
one small step at a time.
Has a soul sister
Goes to church
And finds the love
That is finally not a crime.
Breaking free from that past
So difficult to do
But it led me straight back
Into the arms of you.
You walked with me for years
listening and watching each move
Moving my heart
Toward an understanding of you.
A young married woman
Still deeply wounded by the past
Finally is able to forgive
All that was bad.
A new heart forming
every day I am alive
building on my life and others
See you so much of the time
Why did he do this
why come for me?
HIs desire to show mercy
to the least of these.
Ransomed for me
Ransomed for you
God paid our ransom
So that we could be free
God is searching for me
and for you- yes it's true
We want to be found
by someone who can
open their arms to us and say
welcome home.
Our job is simple
Go make disciples
Go share your story
Go give your money
Go show his love
Go and be baptized
Go and love as you've
never loved before.
We are the Kingdom
We are His Body
We are his Bride
We are his.
To God be the glory
In sickness and in health.
May he wrestle with me each day
to keep me on track.
We are the Kingdom in this dark world
We have the salt people need to see
to enhance the quality of their lives.
He is our light, revealing who we are
We are meant to be seen
Noticed by all
As different and set apart
To do things that are different and set apart
To be His Kingdom in this dark world.
The more faithful we are
The more knowledge he will give
The more we pray
The more we are being faithful
The more we sacrifice
The more we are being faithful.
Believe in his promises
Live like you know he's in you
Listen like you know he is in you
Act like you know he is in you.
For we are the kingdom
that others will see
The Jesus that means
the whole world to me.
Earning my crown,
one jewel at a time
Each new adventure
A reason to grow.
The longer we are with him
The more we can know.
The more we can know.
The more we can understand
The more we can share.
Thank you Jesus
For dying for me
For my sins were so great
they were consuming me.
But now I have you
lifting me high
with your mighty right hand
and my name engraved there for all to see.