Saturday, May 30, 2009
I have finally found my inner OCD. It isn't often that I get to see it, but it hit a few days back. We're trying to get ready for a garage sale, so going thru each closet, each room, each hiding place is mandatory. We had to make room in the garage so we could bring up all the stuff from the storage room. It sure will be nice to move around in there again. So today, while stretching my back/hip and not sitting down (since that is the primary culprit) I cleaned the kids bathroom closet and the drawers in the vanity. Um, gross. Then the hall closet which is the medicine/personal care product closet. Now there is a whole empty shelf! Then the front hall closet. All I want to know is where it all comes from? We have so much we can have a HUGE garage sale. It's a bit disturbing, really. But it is what it is. Time to get rid of some of the games and toys. Time to get rid of a set of dishes and many other kitchen items (again with the empty shelves). We want to get a couple futons for the basement with the garage sale $$ so kids can hang and stay over night more comfortably. We have a great treadmill if anyone is looking....
One of my physical therapists is from Germany and she is awesome. I've learned the Germany is mostly a Catholic and Lutheran culture with a few 'free' churches as she called them. She just went home for a long weekend for a first communion. We were talking about the differences in the cultures, something that has always interested me. The free thinking they have about the human body and how we just don't. She was saying that they spent most of their schooling in their underwear because they are trying to feel muscles and such. It was difficult for her to learn to feel thru clothing. Interesting how we as a culture make everything sexual, and they walk around naked and it is not a sexual 'experience' at all. She's an awesome PT for sure and funny.
Yesterday on my way home from a funeral home I passed a Lutheran church and its sign said 'Worship God not religion". Yep, that is what it is about alright.
One other patient I've gotten to know a bit since our PT times coincide, mentioned that I looked a bit off on Tuesday. I tried to remember Tues. and remembered that Monday was the evening when I accidently took Austin's Amoxicillan, and I am allergic to it. So I was for sure tired, and had been up a lot that night with my hip pain. But as I continued on with my routine I remembered that Tuesday was the day after Memorial Day, and one year ago on that day is when I had the results of my CT scan and found out that I had some sort of cancer. So I told her about that. We had already talked about cancer. Her son was diagnosed with a rare cancer when he was 3!! He is 16 now. So we've had that bonding time. I thought it a bit profound that someone I hardly knew picked up on some signal I didn't even know I was carrying. Guess it was bothering me more than I knew. It isn't really, but it must be, some where deep down.
I know this was a bit, um, disjointed. Chalk it up to my own personal ADD.
A year ago. But now I am here, feeling great, and, ironically, waiting for the results of my CT scan from Wednesday. I am almost laughing.
So there it is again, Waiting for Tuesday. I think that is the title of the book I haven't decided to write.
Vicki, sitting in the palm of God's hand with my Polly.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Pain, cold, CT scan, finding out I have cancer, scheduling surgery, CA 125 of 276, fear, anxiety, secrecy, kids, tunnel getting smaller, twisting, turning, motion sickness: somebody stop this ride. Baseball meant I was going because I might not get to again. Getting to those games for the boys was accomplishing memories. Getting to Abbi's track meets meant pictures of my girl running. Memory building. That was what last May was about. Preparing for the 'just in case' phase of cancer and it's rampage on its owner.
PT for hip/back issues, decent baseball weather, busy almost every moment of each day. Little anxiety, little pain (back), calmness, energy, desire, life. Amazing what a year can bring you thru. Now baseball means watching Austin whack it and get 4 doubles with his new bat. It means watching his friends hit home runs, talking with friends openly without secrecy, sometimes making some really funny, but bad jokes about cancer and chemo (some only a survivor can relate to). Chemo has taken it's tole. but it is minor. Loosing words and some memories, forgetting in a different way than usual, straight hair. Minor, minor, minor compared to going thru the treatments and uncertainty.
This year has brought new friendships, new outlooks, new everything, really. Even new glasses in a week or so. Sometimes I even forget there was an illness here. That is really how good I feel. Normal. Haven't I been asking for that? Well, I like it.
It is impossible really to compare the years. But thinking back to the emotions and the physical pain and fatigue of last year and knowing how I feel now is bizarre. I can't believe it's only been a year. I am so thankful God let it be done quickly, at least this round. Hopefully no more rounds will be needed. Hopefully He gave my ovarian cancer to KO and knocked it out in the first round.
I feel relief, gratitude, mercy and grace, blessed, alive, awakened, replenished, renewed, optimistic, happy, ready. Ready for a summer that will make up for missing last year. Although, considering, I really had a decent summer. Still played, still was outside, still saw friends, still had the kids in their 'stuff' but never could have done that without support. This year, I get to regain a bit of control- or ability to do what we want to do.
Regained my control of my ability to do.... Thank you Lord.
Vicki, Polly, and Ziva!
Monday, May 11, 2009
What a gorgeous day today. Boy did I get to do some work today. Spray painted a swing (don't really like spray paint) picked up some branches from 2 of the 15 or so trees that need to come down, PT, and weeding. Finally get to weed the garden instead of myself. I am not so happy with the squirrels who really did not do a good job planting in an asthetically pleasing way! Why in the middle of the new perennials? Man. But I cannot wait to see the plants that I planted last year before my personal gardening began.... But the big garden by the barn- yikes. Need about 10 people to help with that one. Have about a million trees growing in it now....
I wonder what that means- trees in the middle of a flower garden. HMM. Have to mull that one over.
In the 10 years that I've been at MCC I have never had to leave the sanctuary during service because of being overly emotional. Yesterday really hit me hard. Listening to the song by Beth Sharrows grand daughter about her mothers love, respect and awe of Beth's love of God... I just lost it (thank you Jann) because I want my kids to want to sing that someday, too. Oh how I hope I am a good witness to them. Oh how I hope Jesus shines thru even the scary days. I don't think they even know that I write on here. I've never let them read it- just too much emotion I think for their little souls. Oh what a great song/poem, what a beautiful voice, what a legacy.
So maybe my garden is still being weeded and pruned! I should be used to that. We all should be really. It's an ongoing process no matter what is going on in life.
Maybe the trees are the BIG things in life that try to take over the sun that the garden needs.
Until next time.... Cut down the dead trees!
Friday, May 8, 2009
I'm not supposed to write this late, but I just can't help it. A friend and I were talking about how much can happen in a year. She is the friend who had the boys stay over night the day of my surgery last summer- took them to baseball and all that. And baseball is what brought on this rush of- I'm not sure. Not really emotions but just a sense of awe I guess. Last year at this time I was saying no to my meetings because they were interfering with baseball and family. I wasn't really sure how much more family I was going to get, you know. None of us really knows, but my view was particularly cloudy at the time. I was walking to the games in so much pain- and stuck emotionally because I didn't really have 'the' answer yet. I remember hoping it wasn't really cancer, but I knew it was and I knew it wasn't going to be good. But hope is a good thing.
It was a year ago that I had the ultrasound- and in a few weeks, a year since the CT scan that revealed my worst fears. June 12 @ 4:00 is one year since surgery- July 18th one year since my first chemo. It's a strange place to be- a one year ago place. I missed the creeping flox in my neighbors yard. I keep having to say 'that must have been 2 years ago' because I wasn't really involved in summer activities last year. Very strange.
But I must say I like one year ago. I don't really have a fear of much any more- except zip lining! I can go, go, go again. I can sit and watch baseball without rating my pain. And hair is good. So much different being a girl with a curly hair personality stuck with a straight haired head! Hair is good.
Laughing is good. Enjoying whatever I want to is good. Even the scar is getting better. Physically and emotionally. I feel like I am not sure if I really went thru all that because I feel so good. I swam today, and actually have 'good' workout pain for a change. I've started PT for my hip and back and am excited for it to kick in and 'kick butt' (sciatic nerve joke).
I met a new friend at Lifetime today- Peggy. She works there. She's bald and wears a hat. I stopped to talk to her and introduce myself. Then I said I wanted to make sure I looked her in the eyes, since people tend to be afraid to do that sometimes. She has felt that same phenomenon. Bald is beautiful. Smiles are beautiful. Fundraisers are beautiful. Say hi to her when you are there, and look her in the eyes and smile.
Life is important. Love makes life bearable. Friends and family are love.
Hug your mom. One of those lingering, tear filled hugs only a mom can cause you to have.
This is going to be my last post that I send to you all. I'll still be writing- waiting for God to tell me what to do with all this information. I envision still writing at least once a week, so you'll have to sign on to the site to read them. I am glad they touched you. I am so honored that you let me into your lives and let me share the ugly and beautiful parts of this really crappy journey. I am realizing it's a life time journey, but it is less intense now- praises to God our healer and sustainer. I feel normal now- I feel so good. I know it shows. Thank you for sharing your computer time with me.
Without my family (including in laws and my family) and my friends and my church I don't know if I would have had such a faithful and God touched journey. You were His hands and feet, His words and encouragement. Thank you for obeying and for comforting His child and her family.
PS- Polly is still here- she is zip lining in NC. She just can't stop jumping off......