Saturday, August 27, 2011
I was asked a question yesterday that nearly made me grow silent. I was asked what it feels like to be a hero to so many people. I had to think about that.... My response was, if I am their hero then they aren't hearing my story correctly.
Then I realized that really this time around I have not been as vocal about the recurrence journey- I suppose because I am still wrestling with why this is happening again. I don't have a whole lot of positive feelings right now and I am struggling with why. I am really struggling with why. Like why my grandma has to see me like this again, bringing her to tears and upsetting her so. Why my parents have to watch me do this again. Why my friends have to see it again. And my kids- Seriously, once wasn't enough?
But then someone else said he didn't know why God has trusted me with this journey again, but he has. Strange to think of it as a trust issue. But I believe it is. I haven't been very trusting or willing to believe that He has me in the palm of his hands. I mean my heart knows, but my head is constantly arguing the point.
I can't be anyone's hero. I am flawed, mad, unloving, untrusting, and struggling to believe it's going to be ok. That's no hero. That's someone who needs a hero. My hero is first and foremost Jesus,even when my head thinks otherwise. Then my hero's are the others fighting a similar fight, trying to remain positive when their world is falling apart. Then my friends and family, who never leave my side until I say it is ok.
See, but Jesus knows it's never ok for him to leave my side- he will never leave me or forsake me. And although I may not feel forsaken, I do feel defeated. I feel like I wasn't strong enough, healthy enough, trustworthy enough to remain healthy.
I do know how it ends still- I win no matter what the road is before me. I just really hate this road and cannot understand why or how so many of us are on it. But all our roads will collide together one day. And we'll all be together, which is the way we like it anyway.
All this to say, don't look to me as a hero. I am just doing what I have to, what God expects me to do, and I'm not doing it all that well this time around. The heros are people who stand by me and walk with me. That's what real strength is. The hero who has already saved me from this is Jesus. Jesus and friends/family are who stand by me. Prayer warriors who stand by me. Many people I don't even know are praying for me. That's what a hero is.
But I am taking a huge leap of faith and have joined the team that is going to Chile this spring. Abbi, Austin and I are heading that way on a mission trip for 10 days and we are all pretty excited about it. So I guess I am trusting a bit- either that or thinking I can control how long I am healthy if I am going to Chile.... Just kidding- it is a trust thing for me. No, I do not have to get any shots but we do have to get passports! Exciting.
Thanks for being hero's.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
CA125 is 25!! I wanted to keep you all up to date on my treatments. I met with my nurse last week- a meeting needed so very much. We talked a lot about the things I needed answers about and it was so good to be able to talk to her. She always makes me feel better and ready for the next step. The next step is that my CT scan was cancelled until my last chemo on the 23rd. Yes, one more, for a couple of reasons but mostly just because...and I am more than ok with that. Maybe this one more will keep me from any more in the future. Besides, it's what I expected and kinda what I want. After that I'll have a PT scan on Sept 19 and we'll go from there.
So many of you have been asking about the kids and I wanted to tell you that I know it's strange I don't have an answer for you when you ask. But I have a theory. I think because they know this is short term treatments they feel that it'll be over soon and that is that. And for now, that is fine since it is possible I won't have to have more treatments. Remission can last a long time! So life has been fairly normal for them. They see me down for a week but after that I am fairly normal. So I don't think they are overly stressed about this and know that it is short term and that my numbers are coming down and within normal range and that got me a few hugs! My kids are so sweet and have been quite helpful. In fact they painted the decks for our big Willey reunion and did a great job. I helped some, but since I don't do heat well they did most of it. And it is beautiful. I know they don't talk about me having cancer much because they believe it will be gone soon, and technically is right now. So that is how they are doing.
And I am doing good. I have a decent amount of energy and the chemo isn't bothering me too badly. It's just one week of yuck and I can take that! I do thank you for your prayers. Please don't stop. This is going to be my life- battling every now and again, or being in remission. Truth be told I've had to start on a different medicine to help me sleep. It does seem to be helping. My brain just never turns off. So my anxiety level is too high, of course. So hopefully sleep will help too! I like sleep.
And so many have been asking to help by bringing a meal, so this next chemo I accept your help and blessings. Remember tho that we are hard because of gluten free! No wheat (regular noodles, breaded items, bread, some seasonings) rye, oats or barley disguised as MALT. So if you feel up to it, great. If not, also great. Mommy is here to take care of me. I'll post it on the calendar.
Love you all so much.