Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Truth Is...

It is always so good to go to my ladies bible study. Getting to know and growing with others ladies is really a great way to spend some time. Thursday is bible study day for us at Macomb. We've been learning about idols in our lives and how they affect us and our relationship with Jesus. At the beginning of the study I thought one of my idols was fear. I learned that fear is not the idol, but the thing you fear is the idol. Wonderful- now my idol is cancer? Being healthy again? How messed up is that? But it sure does help to see it for what it is so I can get rid of it more quickly. It's not like I handle it well anyway, so please, take it all away sweet Jesus.
I got totally busted on Thursday tho. One sweet woman asked me how I am and how my blood work has been. I actually started to lie! Then I just came out with it to our table. I've been withholding information, from everyone except Tim. Reasoning? To not worry anyone. Why? Because obviously I have control issues. About 2 weeks ago I called to get the CA 125 results from the blood test I took right after the PET scan in September. I wasn't really concerned since the PET scan was totally clear, so I didn't call for the results until about 2 weeks after the blood draw. Turns out I just shouldn't have called. My number we 35, which is right on the border of normal. I cannot even explain the terror that went thru my body, mind and soul. I did talk to my awesome nurse and she simply restated that the PET was clear and obviously the blood work needs to be redone in 3 weeks (which is next week). And after we prayed for all the prayer requests I outed myself to the whole group. But that means extra prayer! And in fact they just stopped and prayed over me right then and there. It was so awesome. I even cried a bit, which is an accomplishment with the numbness I feel right now.
How do I feel about all this? Well, I'm not as scared as I was and I am NOT letting it control me. I will be a bit of a wreck next week but really, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change what that darn test is gonna say. Nothing. To be honest I am thinking about not even calling to get the results knowing they will call me if necessary. We'll see.
So, I am fine and I do feel good. I also really think the number went up a bit because of the infection in my port and all that medicine, and the PET scan and all that radiation. I guess we'll know next week. Until then it is life to it's fullest.
So many friends having so many tests. It's hard to not give cancer a place of horror in my life. Get behind me and my friends you beastly idol.
Thank you for loving and listening and asking questions. Sometimes the questions are prompts from God from you to me. To be clear, I do not mind answering question or talking about my cancer. (And normally I don't feel the need to lie!) She just asked the right question at the exact moment it needed to be asked. Thanks girl.
Vicki Pocket.