Bring me all your feelings, even the ones you wish you didn't have..... Jesus CallingI've been having such a hard time speaking my feelings. That's actually a life long problem of mine. But give me a keyboard and I'm golden. I wonder why that is. There are times when I know I have a feeling of discontent but I just can't put my finger on where it is coming from- what in my life is causing those feelings. I have friends who want to know what I am feeling about this journey, the pain, the waiting and there are just some things I am NOT going to share out loud with people who love me. That is for the 'Ugly Journal' kept in a secret spot. And these words just validated that I can keep them between me and my journal, because that is really between me and God. It's my I'm fighting with God journal, my I'm fighting with myself journal, my I'm fighting with cancer journal. And it's mine. Not all my feelings are worth repeating, or worth saying out loud. Everything changes when you say things out loud.
Do not hide from your fear or pretend it isn't there. Anxiety that you hide in the recesses of your heart will give birth to fear of fear: a monstrous stepchild. Bring your anxieties out into the Light of My Presence, where we can deal with them together. Concentrate on trusting Me, and fearfulness will gradually lose its foothold within you..... Jesus CallingAnxiety hidden in your heart with give birth to fear of fear. That strikes me as just the worst possible thing someone could be fearful of because that cycle would be never ending.
This week has been a roller coaster, ending on a really good 'turn'. Last Sunday our sermon about David and Goliath really hit me strong and hard. And the music selection was superb. A new song called Always brought me to the alter for prayer. The best part about that moment is that on the way to church last week I was nudged to go up for prayer- nudged to go up for prayer every week. Now those of you who know me know, that in real life, I'm a bit private, and can say that I am not sure I have ever gone up for prayer on a Sunday morning. I have been prayed over by the Elders and anointed with oil twice. However, stepping out of my flip flops (so I didn't trip) and into the isle to walk those few feet to the alter was AWESOME. Thank you for coming up and praying, or sitting and praying. My prayer is for complete healing. I want to be a living miracle, and last week I felt like nothing was working out, nothing was going to help, and took a little trip to the pit. I'm tired. I hurt. I'm just done, which makes me thankful for a break from the chemo for a while.
I'm pretty good at hearing nudges. I am getting much better at acting upon those nudges. So if you see me up for prayer at the alter again, it's because I am trying to build my faith and trust that even a sinner like me can be healed and delivered from a disease that is relentless in it's pursuit of your life. My soul, my heart, it cannot have. That is where I want my strength to come from. That knowledge that only Jesus has my heart and soul, and only I can cave in and let something else take them over. So I am guarding them.
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Ephesians 6:16
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2
My seemingly constant if not understandable battle with fear has been gripping me by the throat this time around. Maybe it's just a third battle with the same beast thing.... I don't know. More probable is it's my heart and my heads problem- not breathing in the greatness that is in me, around me, protecting me. Come what may.