Monday, December 2, 2013

My answer

The question this morning was do you respond in difficult situations with despair or resolve.  My answer was YES of course.  I can't do anything the simple way,

We learned a new word: Chazaq -
1. To find strength, to be strengthened, to grip harder
2. To continue on
3. To fix what was broken
4. To take courage, to add resolve

Good word.

This last round of chemo went so much better for me.  My dear friend had dinners covered, fruit salads covered, and spent so much time with me.  It was so much better than the last round.  I even asked friends and family to come and spend time with me.  That may sound simple but it isn't for me.  Easier than it used to be but still not easy.

One statement shared was get on the path with him.  In other words, God has us all on different paths, many different paths within our lifetimes.  Sometimes I look and find a different path to be on for a while.  That's always a nice reprieve.  I love being able to help others and when I can it gives me such great feeling of normalcy.  Sounds so simplistic.  But when your normal is not good, some old normal feels really good.  But my path is not simplistic, happy and fun.

So this path I am supposed to be on with God, of faith, is just not what I want to do.  But in the same moment I have to and I know it.  Don't know where it leads, don't know when it ends, and don't know who it affects, but it's  a path I have to be on.  

I'm going to choose faith to live. (might even choose it as a tattoo.)  Today I found out the my CA 125 did go down- but only from 51 to 49.  That's a little disturbing.  Down is good tho- so I am focusing on that.  However it also means that I have to do more chemo.  Surprisingly I am fairly calm about it.  I am hoping it isn't because of things going on in my head but because it just is what it is.  You need not know about this head of mine.

But today, even tho I know I have to have chemo, I am very relieved that my number went down a bit.  It's been a while.  I also called Cancer treatment Centers.  Tim and I will be going in January probably.  It's been 3 years of looking into it and calling and thinking and blah blah blah.  I think it's a good move, to hear more options, to find out more about naturopath chemo and nutrition, which I kinda already know about but have a hard time following.  

I am hoping that my handling this better this time means my faith is blooming again.  Oh how I've missed that.  I appreciate so much your prayers for me to have more faith.  I feel like I'm ready to fight and ready to do what needs to be done.  I'm still struggling with feeling like the end is so very near, but somehow my faith is overtaking the negative thoughts.

I know it's a lot to take in.  I know it isn't fun.  And my head is so full of both good and bad questions and answers.

God is pulling back up to the front.  Thank you God.  May the peace I feel right now continue.