Friday, August 24, 2012

Seek? Seek.

Today began with a memorial service for a dear friends nephew. The power of addiction being the focus. I was so blessed that truth about the situation was said and not just glossed over. It's such a serious problem. The solution presented was to stop making the bad choice and to start choosing God, you know, in a nutshell anyway. Referencing Jeremiah 29:11:
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  And you will see Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity, I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive. 

The concept of seeking God and we will find him really stuck to me.  I realized that I don't spend much time actually seeking God.  I've been spending more time trying to figure out how to fix a few screwy things in the family.  But I can't really fix things that don't belong to me.  I can't change a single persons attitude, or anger, or sass.  I can't. But maybe if I was spending more time seeking, letting go, and letting God take these things on it wouldn't be such a burden on me.

I'll be honest.  Finding Him kinda scares me.  I feel like so much has happened to me, so much, so hard, and that if another hard thing happens I might not be able to handle it.  And I don't just mean cancer.  There is so much more to my life than that.

I learned how very much I am missing my Sweet Sue.  The Willey reunion was just not the same.  And when Bob, her husband, went to leave I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness creep over me and over come me.  I said 'bye Bob.'  But I'm supposed to say 'bye sweet sue, bye Bob.  Love you both'.  So the first family reunion without her was super hard.  I had to take a shower just so I could have my break down in private.  Grieving takes  a lifetime.

Truth is, I don't know if I have an earthly future.  So then that kinda sucks the hope away from me.  So as the verse was read and discussed I came to the conclusion that I am not choosing to seek Him.  I used to.  But it seems meaningless.

I feel hope slipping further away from me, further away from being a reality of mine.  Yet hope is all I have.  If I can't keep ahold of that, what is there?  Well all that is left is fear and anxiety, busyness and avoidance. None of which will help this healing body, weak from fighting, in pain from the reality of the medicines, and a life that needs to be lived with restrictions and limitations.

As I waited for the runners to take the last turn today at the XC meet I had some quiet time.  I put on my iTunes and played some worship songs, ate a clementine, and sat quietly and in peace for about 5 whole minutes.  But it was glorious.  But it was also so awesome to cheer on the boys and girls for their last turn in the race- a tough race.  I told one young lady she was my hero.

I guess I am just very thin skinned right now, easily saddened, easily hurt, easily unfocused.  Easily broken hearted and easily led.

Time for a heart renewal. Not sure what that entails or looks like.  But I need a new heart, focused, loving living to seek Him.

Friday, August 10, 2012


I have just found out some sad news.  Our worship leader and his family are leaving MCC to pursue a church planting mission from God.  That is good.  Loosing them is bad.

Aron and Erica came to MCC just before my first battle with ovarian cancer.  I barely even knew them.  But during that battle Aron wrote and sang a song during worship that literally changed my attitude.  It's called My Faith is in Bloom.  And it is about me.  I mean, it isn't about me at all, but about someone/something else, but that day that song took hold of my heart and has held on to it since.
Aron has a way of bringing the word of God to music, to poetic harmony and rhythm that I have never experienced before.  There are just so many of his songs that break my heart open to the healing of God.

I always knew he was too good to stay here with us. He should have a worship album out, seriously.  My favorite songs are the ones he writes himself.  And Aron is the first worship leader we have had who has done this.  In fact, when he first started singing them for us, he didn't even mention that he wrote it.  But up on that big screen, if you really squint your eyes, you can see the writers name.... Aron Paul Kirk.

I am teary knowing that the way you put the words of God to song made me a better person.  His humble nature and unassuming character are what make him so awesome.

When I was diagnosed this third time around he posted a vimeo on my messages on FB.  It was beautiful and fully unexpected.  That he would do that for me overwhelmed my senses.  But now I also know that means he can do that for MY song, My Faith is in Bloom too.  So I am looking forward to having a new post, on my wall, with this life changing song of faith and endurance continuing to grow with God no matter what your circumstance.

Aron, Erica, I will miss you greatly.  Your walk, the one we can see, is one for us to study and try to achieve.  But Aron, you must know, there has been NO song more powerful to me than MY song.  You may as well have just written it for me.  Your talent of using Gods words to pierce our hearts is an amazing gift.  Thank you so much for sharing it with us for almost 5 years.

To God be the Glory.  Now it's your turn to let your faith bloom.  May the garden grown be as thankful to you both as I am.  Thank you for following his leading.

I love you muchly,