Today began with a memorial service for a dear friends nephew. The power of addiction being the focus. I was so blessed that truth about the situation was said and not just glossed over. It's such a serious problem. The solution presented was to stop making the bad choice and to start choosing God, you know, in a nutshell anyway. Referencing Jeremiah 29:11:
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will see Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity, I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive.
The concept of seeking God and we will find him really stuck to me. I realized that I don't spend much time actually seeking God. I've been spending more time trying to figure out how to fix a few screwy things in the family. But I can't really fix things that don't belong to me. I can't change a single persons attitude, or anger, or sass. I can't. But maybe if I was spending more time seeking, letting go, and letting God take these things on it wouldn't be such a burden on me.
I'll be honest. Finding Him kinda scares me. I feel like so much has happened to me, so much, so hard, and that if another hard thing happens I might not be able to handle it. And I don't just mean cancer. There is so much more to my life than that.
I learned how very much I am missing my Sweet Sue. The Willey reunion was just not the same. And when Bob, her husband, went to leave I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness creep over me and over come me. I said 'bye Bob.' But I'm supposed to say 'bye sweet sue, bye Bob. Love you both'. So the first family reunion without her was super hard. I had to take a shower just so I could have my break down in private. Grieving takes a lifetime.
Truth is, I don't know if I have an earthly future. So then that kinda sucks the hope away from me. So as the verse was read and discussed I came to the conclusion that I am not choosing to seek Him. I used to. But it seems meaningless.
I feel hope slipping further away from me, further away from being a reality of mine. Yet hope is all I have. If I can't keep ahold of that, what is there? Well all that is left is fear and anxiety, busyness and avoidance. None of which will help this healing body, weak from fighting, in pain from the reality of the medicines, and a life that needs to be lived with restrictions and limitations.
As I waited for the runners to take the last turn today at the XC meet I had some quiet time. I put on my iTunes and played some worship songs, ate a clementine, and sat quietly and in peace for about 5 whole minutes. But it was glorious. But it was also so awesome to cheer on the boys and girls for their last turn in the race- a tough race. I told one young lady she was my hero.
I guess I am just very thin skinned right now, easily saddened, easily hurt, easily unfocused. Easily broken hearted and easily led.
Time for a heart renewal. Not sure what that entails or looks like. But I need a new heart, focused, loving living to seek Him.