Monday, August 31, 2009

Courage

Courage hardly ever roars. It comes in quiet waves, from deep within the heart, urging it to continue on.
Courage is a strength, a choice, to have some peace, if for only a moment.
Courage is never continual, it is gradual and inconsistent. Courage is love for others, hope for self, and belief that faith is real.
Courage is hard work.
Courage does not sound like a lion, although it may look like a lion to others on the outside.
Courage is continuing to do what you know is right even in the face of adversity, or bad numbers, or no support, or a jerk of an ex husband.
Courage is following thru on your promises.
Courage is trusting, both people and God to meet your needs. Courage is being the hands and feet of God, even when it doesn't seem we have the energy or finances to do so.
Courage is fighting against all odds for the rest of the time God has for you here on Earth.
Courage is facing your immortality-I mean looking at its eyes and saying yes, I know you exist.
Courage is knowing that time will come.
Courage is not knowing when, how or why.
Courage is going every week for blood work and waiting for answers, every treatment waiting for the reactions, every fight waiting for the anger, every bill waiting for the money.
I see courage everywhere and it never is screaming loudly. It is silent and soft spoken, there for others to see if they take the time to look. The young mother with 3-4 kids at the store. COURAGE! The sister who leaves her abusive husband and fights for her kids. COURAGE. The mother of a child with learning problems like autism, CP, ADHD, OCD and all of that. COURAGE to let them go. Pastors who tell us some of what we need to change about ourselves, and themselves. COURAGE.
Courage is an inner battle between giving up and stepping up. Courage is that fight to regain control over your fear, even though you are accepting that there is no control. Courage is believing "Do not fear" and "Fear Not". Courage is meeting with that person you know is hurting but you feel you don't know what to say. Oh please, go to that person and do not fear the words you think are necessary. Sometimes silent support is what is needed. Go, not fearing conversation. That will come naturally, even in those unnaturally horrible circumstances.
Courage is living life. God gives us the grace to have courage. Jesus is our courage and fought the fight for us. All we need do is follow in his foot steps.
Be strong and courageous do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you.
I found my life verse yesterday. So many times it has been read, just proving that no matter how many times you read the Bible, because of life circumstances it will bring something new to the table.
Acts 20:24
I don't care about my own life. The most important thing is that I complete my mission, the work that the Lord Jesus gave me- to tell people the Good News about God's grace.
Paul was one of the most courageous of all. Walking into danger with each new mission. Knowingly walking into danger. Maybe it is easier walking into it knowing it is there. Maybe it is easier having it thrust upon you unknowingly. I've done both now. Neither easy, both life changing.
But that is another story.
Love,
Vicki

Sunday, August 16, 2009

What a year can bring

It is somewhat ironic that last year a niece was married in mid July, 4 days after my port was put in, one week before my chemo treatments began. A picture from that wedding is what I carry around to remind myself of what used to be. In it I looked scared, understandably so. But my hair was curly!! In my head the thoughts were a jumble- I was so glad to be there yet so scared about this journey I had to go on. And if you remember getting my port put in was one of the hardest, most 'this is real' days. Having the port put in made cancer real. But having a wedding to go to made life real, and proved it continued on.
This year, another wedding in mid August. i have straight hair. I got to wear the shirt I actually bought for the first wedding but wouldn't wear because it showed my port! My how far my feelings on that have come. Mr. port helped to save my life, so I show him off regularly. He is a part of my body now- hopefully a short while and hopefully never again, yet still an important part of all the cancer journey was and is about.
This wedding I was able to relax a lot more. I held babies (dah) and danced with Jayson, and smiled a real smile, and visited and hopefully looked as good as I feel.
Aron spoke of races, and running our race. I feel I have run my race, received my purple heart, and am ready to move on to the next race. I don't feel a lot of emotional damage from this. I am not sure if that is me lying to myself, although that is certainly not something I do often, or if I really am just ready to put cancer behind me until the next time. Yes, I do feel a next time will happen, don't really know why- but me and that darn intuition of mine.....
So I call this race run- won by the grace of God and some really great medicine. Won because I can smile and continue on. Won because although my hair is dark and straight I still love it. But this race is done. I am not sure what the next race is. I think it might be dealing with High School!! Maybe the entire district that is getting so messed up. Who knows but God, but I am sure he'll let me know when he wants me to know.
So when you see me, see my health. I don't have cancer anymore. I am not nervous anymore. I still have a terrible memory and my tinnitus keeps me from hearing whispering, but all in all a successful race.
Moving on.... to a tri- um doubtful. The marathon was enough for me.
Moving on.....
Polly and Vicki

Love is an action

Love really is an action, not just a feeling. That is what I learned yesterday, and had the night to reflect on.
Love is an action when people bring you meals during a time of severe hardship.
Love is an action when you are able to help someone financially.
Love is an action when you drop everything to go and help someone whose car broke down.
Love is an action when you travel 5 hours to see a beautiful niece marry a great guy.
Love is an action when you choose to play in the water park with the kids instead of sitting at the table drinking coffee.
Love is an action when you volunteer your time to church or community outreach.
Love is an action when you reach out to teens.
Love is an action when you reach out to your own teen.
Love is an action when you choose to NOT yell at the one you love most.
Love is an action when you tell that love something difficult to hear with loving words and encouragement.
Love is an action when you work on keeping friendships vital and alive.
Love is an action when you walk for 3 days to raise money for cancer research. Next year, a personal action.
Love is an action when you obey- whether that is parents, spouses or Christ.
Love is an action when we do what we are being asked by our loving Father.
The greatest act of love is inconceivable to us all: giving the life of a child for the salvation of all who accept Him as Lord and Savior.
Love is a decision. Love is a feeling. Love is an action.
Today is all about Love and figuring out even more ways to show it.
Thank you for springing into action and showing my family more love than we knew was available to us.
Now go out and shock someone else with the love that is so deeply imbedded in your hearts.
Let Jesus be the light and the source of that Love you bring to others.
Vicki