Monday, March 25, 2013

Baseball with hair

For those of you who can't see me, or who don't know what is going on with me, I must tell you..... altho I am fighting again, I have hair!  And my hair is CURLY!!!  It has been years since I've had this much hair, and even longer since it's been curly.  It's been just like riding a bike, I know exactly how to care for it.
My fear of the curls has gone.  I used to equate the curls with recurrence. That may seem so completely crazy to you but let me explain.  Every single time I have had a recurrence, my hair was just starting to get curly.  EVERY time.  But this recurrence was different.  I barely had hair, and it was straight.  As I've fought this battle with the awesome Avastin as my medicinal miracle, my hair has gotten curlier and curlier. I feel like ME!  Because everything about me is curly.  My forgetfulness, my free spirit, my hyperness, my hobbies, my sass- just everything.  I am a curly girl, in hair and in mind and spirit.  Hard to follow isn't it.....
This year I get to watch my sons play baseball.  I've been doing that for so many years, but for almost 5 years I have been a bald baseball mom.  A fighting for her life baseball mom.  A "gee son I have to miss this game" baseball mom.  A baseball game lets me escape from the reality of cancer, escape from fighting.  I get to yell, talk, laugh and pick on the boys.  I get to fight for them instead.  And the families involved are so helpful with that.  They just talk to me as if everything in life is ok.  Oh how I love that.  (Not to be misunderstood- I am always willing to talk about my cancer journey).
This year my hair will actually get messy from the rain and wind.  My hoodies will smoosh my curls.... The humidity will grow my curls...... And the smile on my face while it all happens is going to feel awesome.
Avastin seems to be working.  We have 17 points more to lower until we are 'normal' but lower is awesome.  Baseball starts on Thursday.  Any way it is sliced, I get to have hair for baseball season.  Even if bad things happen....
Ovarian cancer has proven itself to be a strong beast.  My body is responding well, and the recurrences are not unexpected.  No answers will ever be had.  That's ok.  I've learned to live without knowing, without answers.  I don't really think I want to know the answers.
This year I get to watch baseball with hair.
At this moment, that is my win.
So there cancer, take that. I don't care what you have planned for me.  I am content with today. Not because of curls, but because the fear is not as oppressive.
Out loud I say, Satan you do not have power over me.  You do not know what I think.  You are not omniscient, you are not powerful.  I have Jesus, I have people praying, and you have no power over me.  You cannot keep me in the state of fear.
So cancer, take that.  Right now you are not in complete control.  I hate you.  My family and friends hate you.  But I don't think you will own this girl again.
The journey lately has been rediscovering my hope, my trust in the Lord.  It's been tested to it's core this past year. I really just had no faith in healing.  I'm not sure I do now, but I have hope that it's maybe possible.  It's more scary to realize my faith is failing than my health.  Don't misunderstand, not my belief.... I believe every word in the bible, everything my own life has witnessed, every move I know that has been God breathed.
Rediscovering hope.  That's the next movement for me to take. Faith in hope.
Spring, baseball, hair, curls, Avastin...... all bring me hope.  While I may be fighting the beast again, it's different this time.  It's easier in some ways, not in others.
I guess I have curly faith too....

Now listen, after my last post, after the over reaction to it, I am hesitant to even write anymore.  I did not say that I don't believe in God, and I did not say that I don't have faith.  Do not, under any circumstances, judge my words based on what you think they mean.  They mean what they say, and that is all.  Allow me to wander thru my head and heart without assuming I am completely lost.  I am not lost.  I know who I am and I know whose I am.  That is solid.  What is not solid are my curly thoughts and fears, my moments of doubt.  I don't want those solid!