Sunday, January 29, 2012

Broken Food Processors

Today has been a hectic day- not so much in the things that we did. It was just heavy today. The whole week has been like that. Back MRI last Monday all to find out there is really nothing that can be done. Worried about sitting on a plane for 9 hours. But excited to do so. Finishing up a couple scanning jobs, getting a new one- all good again. So good. But realizing that it is almost 1 month since Sue died and still not really 'feeling' it which feels like something that just doesn't seem right. In light of Sue and of Chile and of cancer I wanted to get some healthy food in the house for me. I know you won't believe this, but I could become a health nut fairly easily. But I can't eat healthy if I don't have the food. So a few veggies later I have a huge veggie tray. But not until I had to defeat the beast of annoyance and the stupid food processors. My friend made good salsa so I asked for the recipe. It's my favorite veggie! So I bought the items, got them all into my food processor- and I do mean all the ingredients, plugged it in and saw tomato juice all over the counter. It was leaking and it wouldn't work. So yeah, take the bowl off, place it in the sink, clean up, throw away the processor. I have a descent blender so I was getting that out to use instead, when it slipped from my hand and broke onto the really nice wood floor- glass. UG. So I pick up the large shards and get it all thrown out, vacuum the remaining pieces and realize all I have left for options is to call someone and ask to borrow one or the other. But, gee I just wasn't in the mood to call anyone..... So I used my baby food processor. Not even kidding. Dumped each batch into a big bowl and mixed it all up. It tastes too tomato'y' but it's pretty good. I'm feeling like the leaking food processor. I'm squished with pain, physical and emotional, a deep whole in my heart, and a few issues with family that are HUGE. I have friends getting cancer, people who are cutting themselves off from the world as a part of their battle, and I have no understanding of how that helps anyone. The worst news being that Alex has a tumor in his bladder. It is not known what it is yet. But- well if you know me at all I don't even need to continue. Each issue is not about me- not something I have any control in whatsoever- a hard lesson I learned a while back. But oh how I just want to help. I want to help my friend who lost her husband. I want to help some acquaintances with their cancer journey. I want to save my sisters. I want to save Alex. I feel trapped in that food processor and the only way out is to ooze, and possibly break. I can't figure out if my emotions are trapped or just broken into shards on the floor. I look at the picture of Suzy Q, hear her say "so, what cha doing?" and just can't believe that smile is gone from this earth. I'm scared I didn't do enough for her- understand her enough, talk to her enough. I loved her enough, respected and adored her enough and spent time with her enough. She was one of my greatest friends and supporters. Food Processors are supposed to bring all the ingredients together to make a superb salsa, full of flavors and goodness. That's what I want my life to be like. But today, but for a while, I'm just seeping out, unable to combine or even define the ingredients that make me who I am. I'm broken. But I won't throw myself away! Nice reprieve on its way next weekend with a night away with 3 friends. And one really fun afternoon had with a couple ladies making one of the coolest crafts ever. Now before you worry too much you need to know that I know this is just a temporary feeling. I get that. I even get that it is kinda normal. And I love your responses. Love, Vicki, Polly, Esther

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Gathering Hope

It just won't leave me alone, this gathering hope idea. So I decided to see what the bible has to say about hope. Here's a good one:
For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope. Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
So I see this hope gathering didn't start with me. That whole old testament- all that time before Christ died for us, was written for us, so we could gather scripture together to maintain hope. This scripture is found under the heading of Bearing Others' Burdens, in Romans 15:4-6. God is trying to clear up some of my stinkin thinkin right here and now. He expects us to comfort and be patient with one another, and like minded (which may explain why I share a brain with more that a few people). We should be thinking alike, in Jesus name and under His direction. Romans 15:13 continues;
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit

 Until we have hope in our hears and minds and living and breathing thru us we cannot have the joy and peace of believing. Maybe we can't believe fully until we understand the place that hope must have within us. I don't know. I know that Sweet Sue clung to hope. I always thought to myself hey, you know what- if this is how she dies, living in the hope that only God can give us, then where is the problem? She was a great woman with great faith and hope for everlasting life. No matter how it ended for her, she won. Hope won. We loose, which is what I wrestle with. We hoped she would get that new heart. We believed she would, that it was the natural next step. A heart attack was not on the list of things to happen next. I don't know why- it doesn't matter and she wouldn't want us hung up on that. I just know she had enough hope to make it until December 30, 2011. Hope for myself is a whole different story. I just expect to get cancer again. It's like it's just calloused inside me. It's probably defense mechanisms so I can cope if it does happen again. I don't know how to gather hope for myself. I know how to gather hope when I am with others. I know how to give hope to others. And I know that I need hope. And to some extent I do. I believe and am full of joy and peace almost always. I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit. I believe in healing. I just don't know what the plan is for my healing is all..... So maybe that is what I need to concentrate on- Hoping for God's plan to play out in my life and for me to remain in his grace with peace and joy no matter what the next month has in store for me. So here's to gathering and abounding in hope. When we can't do it for ourselves, we let others help us. It's commanded of us. Go give hope.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Kitchen Quotes

My kitchen has become my very favorite room. We were recently able to put in the most gorgeous granite counter tops. This after 10 years of an actual hole in the countertop due to moving cupboards around when the flooring got put in. I actually stopped noticing it. So did the people who spent the most time here! Now that's just sad. We also got to have the rest of the baseboards painted, took down a cupboard and it has just become my little spot. I even moved my computer in here. It's where I have my ipod playing my Christian tunes. It's my Christian room. Do you have one too?
On every wall there is something that has a bible verse on it. It's the room that is completely filled with truth and love. I have inspirational sayings like REJOICE and CELEBRATE LIFE and DELIGHT IN THE BEAUTY THAT SURROUNDS YOU an LIVE EVERY MOMENT, LAUGH EVERY DAY, LOVE BEYOND WORDS which is a picture frame and has a picture of Tim and I in it. It is the picture you see on my home page. I also have a wall hanging explaining GRACE as THE OVERFLOWING BLESSINGS AND GENEROUS FAVOR THAT COME FROM THE HAND OF GOD.
I also have bible verses, in my plants, on wall hangings, on my divet, on my windows.... I have Proverbs 24:3,4: By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established, and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. Proverbs 21:31: Victory belongs to the Lord. Proverbs 3:5: Trust in the Lord with all your heart. 1Peter 5:1: Cast all your anxiety upon Him because He cares for you. Hebrews 13:8: Jesus is the same yesterday and today and yes forever. And Psalm 18:30: As for God, His way is perfect.
Impressive isn't it....
Some new ones I bought today: WHERE THERE IS LOVE THERE IS LIFE; LIVE, LOVE LAUGH (I actually did not have that one yet); SHARE FAITH, OFFER PRAYER, GATHER HOPE.
That last one I found quite interesting. Gather hope. Like it isn't just something you can run out and grab. You have to take time and gather it. Gathering is always faster when you have some help. I like to gather with my friends. But until I read that I never really saw that when I get to do that I am filled with more hope, and love, and usually laughter. Hope is something that takes time to accumulate, time to believe, and time to share. Without hope, you can't love, laugh, or live a joyful life. Without hope you can't Rejoice. Without hope you can't see the love that is lavished on us from Jesus. All the verses above- they all express hope: hope for victory, trust, caring, perfection (thru Jesus only), and for family.
When you gather together, don't forget to bring the hope that sustains you. Don't forget to share it. Hope is a cornerstone of your faith, and faith is the only way to love and live life fully.
I have found a new life verse- for now.... "Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ." Ephesians 5:2 and I am going to get a tattoo that shows that verse. I am thinking a ring tattoo. That won't be too crazy when I am old. I envision a heart bursting with the blossoms of hope- one pink, for my breast cancer survivor friends, one teal for my ovarian cancer survival, and one red, for heart disease- in remembrance of my Sweet Sue. The heart stands for the life of love, the blossom for the hope in Christ.
I wish my kitchen was as Christian as it appears, and that all the conversation was just lovely and worthy and full of the love of Jesus. But I have 2 teenagers, and an 8 year old. The kitchen is a place of action- wrestling matches, food fights, yelling, crying and laughing. It is definitely not all Christian all the time. But of course neither am I. I know, I had you fooled didn't I?
Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love. That's because without Faith and Hope, you can't love.
Believe, Hope, and Love will be sure to follow.
Believe the truth, Hope in Jesus and His Love will carry you.
Believe that the Faith you have and the Hope that comes from it will fill your heart with the Love that only Jesus can provide you with.
Love is the greatest of these, because it can be the hardest to do.
Love well my friends. And they will know you are a Christ Follower; a Jesus Freak; and Bible Thumper.
I can live with those perceptions.