Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Long Time

Well, my goodness it has been a while since I wrote. I realized I forgot to post last week when I had my treatment (study drug). Well, it went fine. It was my birthday so the nurses blew bubbles for me. Sweet girls they are. My CA125 is 27, which is just fine. I guess my number must be around that area and I can handle that. Still like to see that 0, but I'll take 27.
I am feeling pretty good. We had quite a lot of sickness go thru our house- that one week fever thing for Jay, then croup for Jay, then bronchitis for me and Austin along with sinus infections and fevers. Plus I found out that my hip pain is bursitus, so it is good to have an answer. That pain was running about an 8 most of the time and made me slightly cranky. But I got a shot and some meds and it is feeling better. We're all still coughing a bit, but that is just the way things are right now.
We are planning our first vacation since cancer struck us. We are heading to NC next week to see my sister, then heading to a great wolf lodge that is just opening in NC, and then we are going to Washington DC with Shelly's family. I'm so excited. Just to get away- into some sun and rejuvenate a little.
And this weekend is our ladies retreat- again with the excited. We always have so much fun and learn so much about each other. The last several years the talks have been from people in our own church which is so cozy and welcoming. What a bunch of stories we have- great testimonies, great memories. I just wish I could stay up as late as the rest of them! Oh well, maybe this year. And then Sunday is the Pistons game with the boys thru Upwards basketball. It will be nice to see all the families again. The kids get to do workshops and other activities before the game. Fun, long day that will be.
My hair is growing in quite straight. I feel so odd having straight, short hair. I don't know what to do with it, but I have to use some gel so it isn't so fuzzy and rabbit like! It is so strange not looking like myself, especially when I say hi to someone who hasn't seen me in a while. And I forget that I don't look the same. Strange phenomena. I have a lot of friends that I made this year and have only known me bald, and that is so strange too. Cancer makes the strange normal, and normal obsolete. But, that's ok and just the way it is. I suppose normal is just a state of mind anyway. (keep those comments to yourself) I think normal is overrated and perhaps doesn't even exist. Now constant change does exist. HMM.
I am thanking God for feeling good, for my friends and family, and for everyone who has been praying for me. Thank you for continuing on this journey. I am thanking God for family vacation. I am thanking God my husband has a job. I am thanking God that I got a 'normal' sickness. I am thanking God for love.
Much love,

Friday, March 20, 2009


So what do we write about when there seems to be nothing special happening? We're all sick- sinus infections, bronchitis, bersitus in my hip... But it wasn't pnemonia, or bone cancer or anything horrible. Poor Jay had croup, Abbi cough and sore throat but ok. Thankfully Tim has not been hit yet. What a wicked week.
My daughter turned 14! Someone please tell me how that happened. I think I was just pregnant with her, really.
I am ready for the vacation we never got to have last summer. That darn cancer made us miss out on a lot. Necessary, I know. So in April we are heading to NC to see my sister, then off to Great Wolf Lodge in VA and then 2 days in DC. I am excited to do some normal things, with hair on my head, and a fairly normal ability to keep up with everyone else. Cancer only ruined things for a little while. Praise God for these months of remission, and in advance for many more to come.
Tuesday comes with my study treatment, CA125 and all that. I'm glad it isn't another CT scan week. I am feeling normal because I am sick with a normal sickness- bronchitis and sinus infection. I actually felt worse on Wednesday than I did on chemo! Now that is bad. Be glad for your normal illnesses!
Well, it's time to give the normal springtime nebulizer treatments to the boys. I love spring, but not for what it does for them. Still not quite there, but I haven't spent any time in bad places lately. And that, my friends, is amazing. Don't quite feel like a butterfly, or a crocus, but watching the deer chase the crows and the crows trying to get the dead fish from the pond has reminded me to keep on continuing. Yep, continue on with life, forget what was missed and enjoy the now. All we have is now here on this earth. Past can take up way too much of our time, and our future is already set and waiting for us. So for now, I am.....

Friday, March 6, 2009

Almost There

I'm sitting here with my sweet sister in law, thinking about the day. I went to my friends' dads viewing today. The fun thing about viewings is finding friends from long ago and reconnecting even if it is for just a moment. Seeing all the sisters together today was really nice. Their house was the house of choice for hanging out. Great location, fun sisters, big sisters, crazy sisters, and even crazier friends. It turns out it was THE house to be at. So many people, so many memories of childhood and growing up. I think I was pierced more than once at that house. Just the ears.... I wish I had so many more memories with more people. But it was fun. But me and those girls, we have memories only we share!
I've heard so much about how much better I am looking and how cool my hair is and what a miracle I am. I've heard about feeling like it's a new beginning, a new life, the butterfly analogy. Thank you so much. But I am hesitant to go there because it is not beginning again, but continuing on. There is no starting over from where life got hard. There never is, for any situation. All we have are the memories, the strength gained, and the next steps to take. I do feel really good, tired at times. I am still having some issues with my tummy, though. I am really sick of my mouth feeling swollen and hurting. My hip hurts like the dickens. And I am still really good at whining!! My problem is with the new normal- moving out of what used to be and into the now of being a cancer patient in remission. So full of doctors and tests and blood work and rebuilding.
Rebuilding it is. I like it. My plumbing got a little old and needed repairing. Now it needs to have a little more pressure put on it to get it all working again. Not bad pressure, but pressure from my head and my heart to make conscientious decisions about what I do and eat. There is a purpose for it all.
Rebuilding after a death is hard work. I feel so badly for my friends because they loved their daddy. It will be hard figuring out what is next and how to move on. But like all of us have had to, they will and they will be the stronger and more loving and compassionate for it.
There is a huge purpose for you in my life, too. Thank you for cheering me on, for letting me cry, for making dinners, for sending cards, for being a facebook friend, for understanding when I can't remember, for double checking my work, for praying for me, for passing my request on to others, for letting me still serve and lead, for asking about and caring about my kids, for going with me to appointments, for listening, for letting me listen, but mostly for going with me on this journey. I don't think this journey has an ending, but I am almost there, to the point of feeling healthy and healed. But I've always felt loved and supported.
Love to you all,