Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Turn ----->

I have to admit that this past chemo session really brought me down. Instead of being tired for 4 days, it was 7 days. Not clothes just jammies, no shower til evening, not caring about much. Mom was hear to help, and you helped with food which was a really big deal this time. I think it's the build up of the medicines going after the cancer, taking a few good things along with it. The nausea is not as bad at all, but stomach discomfort is constant and so very irritating. And add something new- vision stuff. I think ocular migraines. I'm such a blast. The tired days bring with it emotionally difficult days too. Just so down, done, apathetic, crabby... Normal I understand but that does not make it easier to 'be' that way.
It's been a week of harsh reality. Can't really go to Cedar Point because I can't walk a whole day. Don't really want to hang outside in the heat, even if it is something fun we are doing. Can't stay for the whole meeting because I'm about to fall asleep. Can't really volunteer for anything important because I'm unreliable because of this chronic disease. Well, then there's that.
When I really think about my ovarian cancer becoming a chronic disease my stomach turns inside out and my eyes get watery. In my head, that means doing this regimen several time a year. I'm just not handling that well right now. I am not sure if I ever can. I'm not sure I will.
I am going to continue with my Avastin, the High Dose Vitamin C IV's and the hyperbaric treatments. And I am quite seriously thinking about just doing that for a while, no more chemo for now. I don't actually even know if I have to have a 3rd treatment, but what I am saying is I'm probably deciding NOT to have that 3rd treatment.
What I have been dreaming about lately is next summer.... Tim taking 3 months off, and us traveling. NO NOT BECAUSE I AM DYING, because that is not what is happening to me, by cancer right now. However, it is because I don't want to do it when I am that sick. How is that fun? How does that build strong and lasting happy memories. I want to enjoy Australia and smuggling home a Koala. I want to enjoy Paris and getting cranky with the French, I want to enjoy Germany and Barbara's family, I want to enjoy Colorado, and the East Coast. Escape much? Yes please. So if you could just click the link below and donate to..... HA just kidding....
It's a really good idea isn't it!

Sunday was so powerful. I think Andy preached, but David, man.... again..... The songs were incredible. They were about heartbreak, failing, darkness, dead faith, storms, fear, strong winds and deep water.....
Yes, that is what I heard. And I felt freedom being able to BE THERE in my heart and my faith and my belief. At this moment in time I don't 'feel' many of the God outcomes of those feelings of despair. I understand and know them- Oh I know. I just don't quite trust them.
I feel separated, afraid, alone, (not people alone) pain in the night (literally),a dead faith, lost.
I sang almost none of the songs but read closely, studied each and every word, ran it through my heart and soul, danced to the knowing of the truth. Reading, reading, reading. I stirred a couple times during My God's Not Dead, wanting to feel Him roaring inside me. Your Love Never Fails also brought me some hope, but not in the chorus. Do I believe he will work all of this for good? Yes. Do I care right now? NO. New mercies everyday, staying the same, bring joy in the morning and a giving a love that never fails, that's was comforting.
Quite the backwards Sunday for me. I left renewed and with a purpose to reconnect myself to whose I am. I am so thankful He never forgets me. I am also thankful He allows me to feel the way I do. I wish everyone understood that about Him. He's not afraid of our fear or doubt, because in the end, there is only one winner, and it's Him. It's Him.

So I see the signs He is leaving for me. Maybe some of them are these ideas that keep popping into my head. Maybe I only have a few more turns, but I'm trying to find my lost HOPE. I'm sure it's in the field of wildflowers.

Keep Blooming.