Saturday, October 17, 2009

Somehow

So my second to last treatment was last Tuesday. Tim came with me which was nice since he doesn't always get to come because of work. We got to see Chris, our NP and she is doing well. You might include her in your prayers as she lost her husband about 2 months ago to prostate cancer. Younger guy, 45 or so. But she is a believer and is pressing on and caring for those of us that love and need her. I am one of the only patients that knows- somehow we just clicked right away and sorta blobbed our whole stories out there for each to know. Some how of course being God. He is the some how so many times.
Some how we were in the waiting room with an oncology nurse who was about to find out if she had Ovarian Cancer. She was a trip. But she talked boldly about her faith and shared that and angel had told her she had cancer, then came back and told her it was gone. I know she was one week from her hyterectomy. I choose to believe that her angel was real and telling the truth.
Some how I was sitting next to a newly diagnosed older woman with ovarian cancer. How all this came up is that a woman sitting across from me, waiting for our chair, had on a cap that was white with the teal ribbon and HOPE written thru it. Not often you see Teal ribbons- but that is another soap box. I asked her about it and it turns out her daughter had them made when she was diagnosed and that they were in fact running in a marathon in her honor. She was supposed to go but had to start chemo again. 10th treatment. She looked good and we didn't talk deep, but having to do a little more probably is not the best. But then the conversation started with the woman next to me who showed me the coolest bead made of glass and a teal ribbon inside of it. Beautiful indeed. She was on her second treatment, which means she had just lost her hair, but was fairing pretty well. I did ask what stage her cancer was and she said she doesn't know and doesn't want to know. Funny how different we all can be. Here I am wanting to know all the answers to my questions, and here she is with no questions, just blindly following. I understand it, though. The more you know the scarier it is for sure. She just said it didn't matter because she was going to whoop it anyway.
You just don't find a bunch of Ovarian Cancer people all in the same place, even in the chemo room. Some how arranges that for you some times.
Plus, the girls all but told me that I am getting the study drug. I mean we already felt secure that we were, but its nice to have a little confirmation. And on that lovely note, I only have one left. One more treatment that can wipe me out. One more round of constipation. One more round of mouth weirdness. One more month of eating without an appetite or much taste. But I am so excited that the medicine was mine. I am so excited that I will be followed so carefully for the next 2 years. Every 3 months a CT scan- yes, I know what they do to me, but I will not complain. I am being watched more carefully. That is a blessing. And, I may just be able to get this port out soon. Maybe right after that last treatment. Then you know what is next, right?? The tattoo! Oh yes I am! I think a Heart, with JESUS JUICE on the right side, and LIVES OUT LOUD on the left- we'll see. Ideas would be valued.
As for Polly- she's kind of a normal every day presence here at our home. She kinda doesn't know when to go to bed! And she's been making me go like a maniac. But I really enjoy her. She's the cool I never could be!!
Some how WILL get you thru.
Love to you all.
Vicki- Volly- Pocky- HMMM, how do we combine that one?

Friday, October 2, 2009

Fireproof

Our home group just watched Fireproof. It wasn't quite as hokey the second time around. So much anger in that movie- such a beautiful resolution to it all. Sometimes, saying 'I'm sorry' goes a very long way.
We had fun being together- ate way too much blueberry jello. Which just adds to my identity crisis since I don't like stuff in my jello. Just give me jello, none of that fancy stuff. Well, now that opinion is just blown wide open!! Loved it.
So the identity crisis you ask. Well, a few things. Now that I highlighted my hair I look like my middle sister. Which is wonderful. If I were to let it grow longer and keep up the highlights I would look like my youngest sister. See, I always had that one critical characteristic that made me me- the curly hair. I was the sister with the curly hair. That's it. Also the oldest, but whatever on that one. Sometimes the new normal is kinda hard.
Since my last treatment I just haven't been myself. Not sure why, can't quite seem to get to the bottom of it. I want to be busy, but I want to sleep. I want to be with people but I want to stay home. I want to cook dinner, but I don't. It's like a motivation factor. Motivation has never really been an issue. Of course it could just be that I feel like crap and I keep having coughing attacks and maybe should get a chest xray- but I don't wanna.
What also is stressing me out is this lack of raw emotion. Man, I was the queen of crying or reacting to something terrible or wonderful. Now just not so much. I feel horizontal- no ups, no downs. I just am. I mean I can get my game on at times, but I don't have the stamina anymore to keep it up. Not even with the school board, and you all know how that is going.
I suppose it has been a rather overwhelming year for me and my family and maybe I need to just let that settle in. i just want normal back, but I haven't defined what that is. Kinda goes back to the whole waiting game. Now I'm waiting to see who I am and what I am capable of. I have figured out that I am much more outspoken and opinionated. Like, maybe too much. So feel free to stop me if necessary.
Kids are doing great in school as far as I know. Austin is playing football for the first year and that is giving me a heart attack. Abbi is in the high school and seems to be faring well. She is going to help with back stage scenes for the play. That is good. I just want her involved. Although stage people..... so judgemental I am.
I hope I am fireproof. I feel like I continually have to fight to keep myself in check. I want to be able to live thru this again if necessary. Not by my will, but by my Lords. Maybe that is it- I am not flying on his wings and that is what I need to do. Eagles Wings.
Ok, then it must be time for me to fly (hear REO Speedwagon here)
Love to you all.