Thursday, April 26, 2012

Pieces part 3

Now how about those control issues.....

Such a battle with this firstborn Aries.  I just want some little things to be right is all.  What is the problem with that, really.  I'm not hurting anyone, in fact it would help.  I only want 8 kids from Chile.  Whats the problem.  Wanna know what it is.... I probably wouldn't be able to adopt because of my previous battles with cancer.  Not exactly a non chaotic atmosphere.  Not exactly normal.  And that is not ok with me.  I haven't really looked into it because I don't even want to know if my suspicions are true.

Control.  Just a little please.  I haven't felt in control of much for many years.  I've never had to give God so many things at one time, over and over.  And sometimes I just get tired of repeatedly giving that control to Him.  Sometimes it feels like He's off his rocker, slipped and bumped his royal head.  Just one spring- just one baseball season- just one track season....

I know I'm the one off her rocker.  No guarantees about the life we get to live.  The only guarantee is that it will be eternal if we choose to believe.  And I believe.  That isn't an issue.

I want to control my kids choices.  But I am learning, daily, that I can't.  I just have to trust that our example and their upbringing will stay with them keeping them on the right track and living for God and His kingdom, not their own teenage kingdom.  Wow, that is one big kingdom those teens have.  Whew.  I just want my sisters to be happy, healthy and not hurting.  I want my nephews' autism to go away.  I want my nieces peanut allergy to go away.  I want asthma to go away for all children.  I want Austin's Celiac to go away, and Abbi's ADHD to go away.  I want Jayson diagnosed- hahaha.  I want to have a piece of this life to form and make into what I want it to be.  I guess that piece is the kitchen counter.  Although, looking at all the stuff on it right now, I'd say that is out of control too.

I want my friends pain, their roller coaster rides, their health and their marriages to be healed.  I want my super curly hair back.  And I want to be healthy.  Mostly I want others to be healthy, loved, wanted, needed, and healed.

This week lack of control came in with a mad rush- kind of like Niagara Falls.  My friends- well they sorta kidnapped me so we could do something that allowed us to loose control completely. We went and broke dishes: bowls, salad plates, dinner plates; into pieces.  Each piece probably has a name on it.  Between the 3 of us control is an issue. But we lost it.  For 20 minutes we took turns smashing whatever we had in our hands.  Jumping up before throwing them down seems to make the plates break into more pieces.  Some had to be rebroken because their pieces were just too darn big still.  There we stood, looking at all that lack of control.  Then we swept it up, but it back into the container and back home it went.

The significance to my life is a bit overwhelming.  And who is affected by my life, who loves me, who cares for me leaves lumps in my throat and a smile in my heart.  I cannot believe how I am loved.  I cannot understand why I am so loved.  I am so many of those plates and bowls shattered on the ground, and you guys are always sweeping me up.  Thankfully our Father helps me to identify the many shattered pieces, sometimes slowly, sometimes painfully, but always faithfully.  Then, back together I go-some pieces chipped and worn, giving compassion and sensitivity.  Some completely whole, giving me confidence and a faith that is unbreakable.  Some pieces are missing, and are filled with something new, like a heart for children in Chile, or a heart for people who suffer from cancer, or a heart for renewing love.  Each time He puts me back together he does something special in me.  Each and every time.  Although I may never understand the purpose, or the means- I do understand the beauty and the strength that could only come from Jesus putting the pieces back where they belong- even if they only belong there for a short period. (Meaning a changing heart)

So go ahead and loose control.  It's a lot easier that trying to keep it.

I love you.  Thank you for praying.  Please don't stop.


Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Pieces part 2

I think I might try to tackle Love:

Love, while in Chile, really stretched me.  I had to learn to bite my tongue, find a trusted person for venting, and then not stay in that venting mode-because we all know where that can lead.  I tried desperately to love in one particular area, but I couldn't.  It was the most horrible feeling to not be able to get control of that.  Thats usually when I get a bit quiet and just watch.  Watching for reasons or answers or moments that will help me to understand and process.  I did finally get to a spot where I could approach the issue with love and confidence and a sincere heart, and it was good.

Sometimes God makes me wait tho, to find those moments.  He's blessed me with a discernment that I sometimes enjoy, and sometimes don't.  I didn't love it this time.  But he still brought me thru it.  And while I still don't have a completely settled heart and I think there is more to it, I feel that if I needed to I could address it personally, not thru others.  I know that's vague, but that's just the way it is.

Love is a challenge at times.  I was challenged by a friend about my seemingly unloving spirit.  Something they could see in my face (go figure).  I was a bit shocked, but thankful they talked to me.  And I did agree with some of what they said.  But some I don't.  Sometimes, when I am shocked, or confused, or just plain hurt and angry, I look for someone who knows me, and I look at their eyes so they can see into mine, hopefully leading them into my heart.  I don't usually react for all to see-because I wouldn't want to hurt any person, even if I am mad.  When I find that persons eyes I dump my thoughts there, and if they know me they can read it pretty well.  And they did read it well.  I think however they didn't quite understand how I process.  While I was not happy, I was filtering thru the reasons- about me and about the situation.  What lined up?  What could I affect positively?  How do I connect and respond lovingly.  I just needed a safe person to see.  I am hoping in that process they learned a bit more about me.  I do try to find a way to connect and love, and I did.  But that doesn't mean that the issues I was seeing aren't real, or wrong, or don't need to be dealt with.  While I feel I was successful in a couple areas, there are still a few more really important things that need a love filled person to help find the answers- and a path shown to all parties by God.

I don't hate.  My eyes may say I'm really pissed off, but my eyes are just trying to find a place to safely dump that ugly stuff. Then I take time- sometimes it's painfully long for those waiting for me to process- but that's who I am.  But after I get some processing done, I spring into action.  And while not everything was solved, that's ok.  At least it was started, and others will lovingly continue.

I do have to retreat to process.  Mostly because if I don't, I won't hear Christ and I won't be able to move from my spot of shock, pain, anger, whatever.  And life presents me with many opportunities to process.

Love broke my heart into pieces that trip.  Saying goodbye to those children.  Saying goodbye to new friends.  Saying goodbye to so many things left undone.  Saying goodbye to the missionaries.  It was hard.  Watching the tears of our teens made my heart swell with love, while breaking it at the same time.  Compassion can be a bit all encompassing for me.  I loved those little children.  We all did and we all wanted to bring at least one home.  And maybe that is the path God wants for me.  I have the love, and so do my kids.  Wow, can they love.  When Nallely had to be taken from me, my heart was just screaming, the tears streaming, almost to the point of inconsolable.  Watching them run down the street to wave to us on the bus, one last time... Oh the love.

What's awesome tho, is that they got to feel all that love too.  Those children, who maybe haven't been loved at all, got to see it in action, feel it physically, and know it as real.  Hopefully that will stay with them.  That they are worthy of love.  That they should find love.  And that they should keep Jesus with them so they always feel love.

So, if I lock eyes on you, it means I have great respect and trust in you to let me dump and not judge the ugly moment of my heart.  We all have them.  Sometimes I'll process out loud with you.  I just need to say/hear it-and I'm not afraid to show that ugly side because we all have them.  Sometimes I just need your help seeing clearly or at least clearer.  Sometimes your perspective leads me to His truth.  And sometimes I need to know that I am out of line.  Introspection is good.  And believe it or not, I need it way more often than not.

Love: it always conquers all.


Sunday, April 8, 2012


As I said on my latest FB status, I now understand what "Break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I have for your kingdoms cause" means.  While my heart has been broken so much, especially in recent years, this mission trip to Chile broke it into pieces.  And guess who gets to come with me while God and I pick them up and put me back together?  YOU!  So lucky.....

Some of the pieces I've identified are:

Nallely, one of the eight children at the home.
Constanza, Cony, Haviara, Carla, Jorshua, Juan, Alberto

I thought I did a good job of not having expectations about the mission trip, but now am not as sure.  Our trip was kind of backward from other mission trips that I have heard about.  Our first day there was spent unpacking, making room for us to sleep, changing the sleeping arrangements, shopping at various local places including the grocery store, the farrier (fruits and veggies) and the fish store.  We split into groups and all went to something.  I went to the grocery store to see what they had that was gluten free.  Pasta was about it.  Good thing I packed food for that big boy of mine.

We got to meet some of the kids that day as well.

But as the trip continued, Nallely grabbed hold of my heart.
And never let go.
And neither did I.
And neither will I.

Each child found a person or family that they favored.  It was quite extraordinary.  Many of them, however, easily loved each of us.  Nallely was like that.  She just loved who she was with and could easily change from person to person.
Carla stole the Sommer's heart, Scott in particular.
Consantza stole Danielle's.
Haviara stole many of the teens hearts, Austin and Rachel's to name a couple.
Jorshua stole Camerons and Will's heart.
Juan stole Jaclyn and Will's heart.
Alberto stole Pati's heart- altho they all stole Pati's heart.
Cony, she is not quite ready to give or receive hearts, but she tried, and we love her and we know she loved us.

So when we show up with new children you will know where they came from......

We all wanted to take them all home.

Broken American hearts blending with broken Chilean hearts for such a time as this.....

But this is only the beginning of that piece of my broken heart.  Nallely: To be continued....

Nallely and her 'family', mom and dad, Cindy and Israel, her real brother Jorshua, Haviara and Constanza