I haven't felt like a healed person in so very long. Cancer changes everything, including how you think at times. First let me say for my fellow MCCers that yes, my story was the Cancer Sucks story- and I stand by it!!
Now let me tell you a bit more about me. It was 1990 when I was finally able to face who I was, what I had done to myself to mess myself up, figured out how I got there, and found a Jesus who could forgive me of it all. The moment of truth was just that, but the healing took a very long time. After a few years I was able to really give that past over and forgive myself. I have been spiritually healed for almost 20 years of the bondage that college antics brought but it is a continuous process as many of us know. But I fully believe that when Jesus wants me he'll take me and I'll be in Heaven singing a bunch of Aron's songs! My spirit has been healed for so long- at times needs to be re-healed and will continue to need healing as life moves on.
My spirit is in God's hands and I have such confidence in that. I know Jesus heals, I know I am healed, and now Mike just hit it home. Different kinds of healing- spiritual, emotional, physical. And my experience is similar to his in that healing has never taken place quickly. In fact it has always been painful and at times seemed impossible. But I knew during some of those times that I had to work hard at fixing what I was being told to fix, with the help, strength and love of Jesus. Nothing has come easy. Marriage, a continuous place to go to find things to fix about oneself. Parenting- ADHD, Celiac, teenagers... another constant source of healing. Friendships, keeping them truthful and current is not always easy. Nothing about my life has been easy- probably nothing about any of our lives has been easy. So why would I expect cancer to be easy.
Now, I never did! Let me make that clear. Surgery was very hard, waiting was and is the worst, CT scans, well they suck too. Constant blood monitoring, isolation or at least it feels like that at times, confusion, problems with my eyes and ears, looking sicker than you feel all because of chemo. It does take and take and take. But it can't take away my hope, my love, my spirit. It can only take my life-maybe- and that is secured by the blood of Jesus. So I truly have nothing to fear but fear itself- and I do have fear. The thought of starting with these children and this husband and not being there for the growing up part, the adulthood part, the grandparent part, the retirement part, the empty nesting part scares me. On the one hand I'm closer to that than others, on the other hand we just never know when it is our time.
So for now I wait in the security of my bond with Jesus-
I am healed in the spiritual sense, continuously so. And now I will fight, like I always have had to do, to heal myself physically. It's never been easy to heal, but it's always happened. So it stands to reason that this physical healing will be hard as well. So I will do my part, and Jesus will do His and in that I can rest. I wish it was always peaceful in my heart and mind, but I can work on that too. I'm a stubborn firstborn, overachieving sister, mother, friend, teacher, wife, aunt, babysitter, leader, woman and child of the Healer.
Now being transparent has not always been a strength of mine. With certain people, yes, but telling my story, or people knowing about the difficulties life has presented has been privileged info. So for those of you who thought this life has been a cake walk, please erase that vision of me. Replace it with a Sumo Wrestler!!
Love you all,
Vicki
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