Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Surrender

Here I am down on my knees again surrendering all, surrendering all
And find me here Lord as you draw me near I'm desperate for you, I'm desperate for you 

I surrender
Drench my soul as mercy and grace unfold, I hunger and thirst, I hunger and thirst
With arms stretched wide I know you hear my cry
speak to me now, speak to me now 

I surrender, I surrender, I want to know you more, I want to know you more
I surrender, I surrender, I want to know you more, I want to know you more

Like a rushing wind Jesus breathe within, Lord have you way, Lord have your way in me
Like a mighty storm stir within my soul, Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me 

Like a rushing wind Jesus breathe within, Lord have you way, Lord have your way in me Like a mighty storm stir within my soul, Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me

Like a rushing wind Jesus breathe within, Lord have you way, Lord have your way in me
Like a mighty storm stir within my soul, Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me
Lord have your way in me....
I surrender,
I surrender,
I want to know you more, I want to know you more
I surrender, I surrender 


I want to know you more I want to know you more
This song is a Hillsong Hit of course.  Nothing like a good Hillsong album to kick you in the butt.  The song moved me deeply on Sunday when we sang it.  I had to sit, tears coming down.  I wish I could say to you that it was because I was having a good moment, but I was wrestling with almost every word, wondering how, why Jesus isn't rushing in anymore, wondering where my soul is.  Where did I go?

I am just going to say this once- if you do not want to know about my journey, stop reading.  If you don't want transparency, stop reading.  If you're going to call my nurse saying I'm suicidal, stop reading because that will be the one time you see me angry!  I will reiterate that this is a journey.  I do not expect to be here for a long time, this place of ugly.  I am now tho.  I am already taking steps I think I need to help myself.  This is a no judgement, no pity, no transference of yourself, safe place for me to express, because earlier you said I could.....  And earlier God said I must.....

This past round of chemo was more that horrible.  I have a horrible attitude about my cancer right now. I am struggling so much with the new definition of it being a chronic disease/illness.  I like it in the sense that it makes it sound manageable, but manageable for this is chemo every time my number goes up.  It's not a shot of insulin or a pill or even a short hospital stay.  It's chemo.  Chemo is my management system.  Yeah, that's how I feel too.  That's sinking in.  As it sinks it is literally taking my spirit, my heart, my hope with it.  Chemo is stealing me away, treatment by treatment.  It doesn't seem to matter at this moment that all my blood work shows my organs and systems are just perfectly a typical 47 year old.  I just don't believe that.  My face, my eyes, my weight- all say sick old lady.  I am pissed.

This past round of chemo kept me from smiling for days, kept me crying for many moments in a day, kept me depressed, kept me weak, kept me irritated, kept me alone for far too long.  This round pushed me into depression.  Yes I will be seeing someone.  Now here's where you should stop reading.....

When I listened to "I surrender" on Sunday, (can't sing since I have hardly a voice) I was asking myself what the difference was between surrender and giving up. I give up.



Here I am, constantly for 5 years, trying so hard to let you take care of me
I once felt near, you touched me once, I felt like I knew you but now I'm not sure
I know you enabled some healing once, but then it was gone.
 
That is why I am struggling to know who you are
I don't feel your rushing wind, breathe on me.  I don't even know how to ask for it.
 
The storm is never your presence, it's always illness, it's always when I feel my best.
I do want you to have your way in me, literally in me.  My heart, my cancer, my healing.
It doesn't come.  Where is it.  What is surrender?  I've done this for my life, way more often these last 5 years because of the cancer.
Lord please have your way in me, but I give up.  I'm tired.  I'm overly poisoned.  My spirit is broken and I don't really know if you can help me.
I give up.  I give up. 
Those were my thoughts.  The tears came because those were my thoughts and those thoughts and feelings are just so messed up.

At this moment I have Hillsong blaring into my headphones.  Obviously music speaks to me very loudly and clearly.  I is how I get closer to God.  I'm sorry it isn't my Bible right now, but it isn't.  It's music and conversation.

I know you have no idea what to say to me, but don't ever let that keep you from talking to me.  There is nothing anyone can say.  Just be you, and I'll just be me, deal?

I don't know what is next for me.  Blood work as usual, although I am seriously considering not doing the CA125.  The stress of it..... I just want to gain some strength and then go be who I am, doing what I am supposed to do.  I can't even tell you how frustrating it is to loose your breathe walking up the stairs, missing the Grand Opening Sunday of the church where I love deeply and friends worked so hard to make it a dream come true, missing Harvest of Talents, Austin's race, and my nieces baby shower.  That's just this past weekend.....

So, here I am, stuck someplace I don't recognize, trying to see the footprints I know are there for me.  Must be the wind keeps covering them up with the leaves from the trees.

Pray as God moves in you.  Don't even tell me because my eyes roll back in my head.  Yeah, I'm a mess.  One thing to not worry about is that I believe in God, and I'm glad I've got as much learning under my belt as I do because I also know a lot about Jesus and His truth.  I also know it's ok for me to be here, struggling with him.  I know that, it's biblical.  And in the end he'll win for sure.  

Who reads this anyway?

Vicki

Friday, October 11, 2013

Chemo Number 3

I had actually started off Wednesday my dedicating my chemo day to baby Sawyer. Each time I had a pity part I focused on Sawyer and his family. Although I don't know their pain on a personal level, I know that what they are having to endure is no comparison to my troubles. And to find out today that he did pass away and is happy in the arms of Jesus and family members who were just waiting, brings a bit of hope. I am still going to blog about my chemo day, but I ask that you are on you knees for the Caullay/Parkison family whenever you pray for me, too.

Wednesday hopes to be that last of this chapter of chemo. With my CA125 at 40 it just has to know it down to under 35. Man how I'd love to see a teen number. Tim came with me and we pretty much watched TV all day. Until about 3:00, when the inside of my ears started itching, you know the sinus infection itch where you want the knitting needle so you can get to the place where it actually itches. But then the palms of my hands started to itch. You may not remember that I had such a reaction on a different chemo drug- which was way worse that this- so I immediately got a nurses attention and showed her all the places I was itching. I knew doing that would end the chemo. But I also knew not doing that could end a bit more. So they stopped the chemo, and I started bawling. And I am not sure many of you will understand this word and I am not going to define it, but I thought with the allergic reaction that I was becoming resistant. Hence the tears. Well, the doctor came in and between them all decided that my steroid/benedryl/anti emetic/ whatever they put in the pre meds had worn off too soon. So they redid them, checked my vitals and I was good to get the rest of the chemo. We were there from 8-6 on Wednesday. What a day.
We met a new couple. The husband has small cell lung....and from what he implied may not have much time. We all talked a bit. His wife works and she doesn't really have any help, so I looked up the cleaning company that cleans for free for chemo families and she was so thankful. I hate hearing people don't have help. Makes me so much more thankful for all of you.

So it is day 2 after chemo and I am feeling too good, so I am going to utilize it by finishing a scanning job I have. Then we'll see what happens latter today.... I know that fact that I had another round of chemo was a surprise for you. Sorry about that. I was in some serious emotional turmoil and mad. I'm still mad, but that's my life. I still have a lot of questions about what it means to have Ovarian Cancer as a chronic illness. But I'm not ready to look it all up yet. Next week is Avastin and I'll start back up on the High C (we've nick named it).

So for now pray for low numbers, the miracle. And pray for Caullay's and Parkisons!

Love to you all.

Vicki