Sunday, November 18, 2012

It's so loud I can't see

I keep waiting for a mountain top to be seen in the horizon of my life.  Waiting and waiting.... I am getting pretty good at waiting.  It's not as nerve racking as it once was.  Now it has become a time to do, get, be, go, do, do, do as much as possible before the waiting becomes the now.

Man, can I do...... I can do until I can't even sleep at night.  I can do morning rush, morning clean up, back to bed, afternoon errand/clean fest, afternoon rush hours, dinner bell, and evening rush.  I sit down around 9pm, tea, TV and drool down my mouth from finally resting.  I realized I do not know how to do quiet, rest, peace.  I think because I enjoy each 'do' so much (except cleaning) they don't feel like stress or pressure.  They feel fun.  And fun takes time.  Time is always running out.

This morning I was thinking about my lack of time with God and my abundance of time keeping myself busy enough to not dwell on the near future.  I am doing my part.  I am doing things so outside of my box, so beyond myself that I know only God can be in charge of this.  I am eating raw, vegetarian, no sugar or gluten, no corn or soy.  NO SUGAR.  M&Ms have sugar you know. But I am doing it.  I am going for prayer at a friends house where 3 of us meet at around 8 to pray for me.  FOR ME.  That is so not who I am.  And today I went up for prayer, because I just can't do this without God or without you.

This morning I was realizing I needed to get some scripture under my belt about trust and belief, healing and hope.  Now don't get too upset.  I have each of these- I know where they all come from.  I just am having a little trouble believing the miracle that is waiting for me.  It's hard to explain.  So into church I come, already knowing what I wanted to do for the afternoon, what I would write about today.  And then came the sermon.  Then I opened my bulletin.  And I smiled because who else but God could orchestrate the thoughts I was having to be completely lined up with the sermon AND an insert in the bulletin.  Seriously, God is for me.  That is exactly why I stood right up and went for prayer.  Boldness in approaching God is just oozing out of me.  I'm not afraid at all to walk up to the altar.  I'm not afraid to tell you I'm stuck and need your prayer.  I'm not afraid to tell God that I am not happy about this speed bump of a two week time period.  And I am not afraid to WAIT until next Monday to get the results because I want a nice Thanksgiving.

I am thankful to people who have said God told them I would be ok thru this.  I do wish I knew what ok meant, but in the end God wins.  End of story.  I am thankful to you who tell me you're praying for me because I believe you.

This week brings a day that will be full of sadness; the birthday of my sister in law Sweet Sue.  It's the first birthday since she reached her mountain top.  I miss her like crazy.  I miss her for her sister and my husband.  I miss her for my kids and for her kids.  Today Andy talked about something Sue practiced: Scripture overwriting the negative script of our lives.  That's our self talk... The negative stuff about what we look like, weigh, don't do perfectly.... She had a routine of sorts, speaking truth and life into her head and heart and soul thru scripture. I get it now.  I understood it then-but now I get it.

I have done a few things right.  I've asked.  I've banged on the door for 4 years now begging for healing.  I've gotten personal with God, even to the point of anger.  I know he can handle that.  Next is the scriptures.  Next is writing a prayer using scripture and me, my circumstance, and the names of God that go with them.  Those will be the next posts from me.

I know I've followed his lead in living this journey loud, out loud, to you.  I know I've been obedient in that.  At this time I am so LOUD about it that I can barely see!  I don't know why I can't see when it's too loud, but I can't.  I even got a bit lightheaded up front while being prayed for. Walking to the altar is a bold and loud move for me.

I learned that I am not as faithless as I thought.  If faith is asking boldly of our Father, then I have faith.  I have persistence wrapped up with a pretty bow!

Tomorrow a prayer for us.  I hope you write one too.

So many thanks and so much love to you for praying me thru.  That brings me peace and joy.  I do so love who we all are together- partners in prayer and in life.  Share your life.  It's important and someone needs to hear it.

Still in awe,