5 days

It's been 5 days since I've cried! I think that is a breakthru. I sit here thinking about all that cancer takes from you like your independence, your identity (hair, scars, body parts), and just has so much control over what you can and cannot do. The very social person in me is just so mad about that. The more reasonable person inside me knows that now is the time to focus on me and getting healthy. But I still cry when my husband looks at me, bald head and all and tells me how beautiful I am. That's overwhelming to me. You just don't feel very lovely with a 6 inch scar down your belly, no hair and a face that breaks out because of chemo. Not to mention the port and it's own special scar. I have a great husband.

But that's enough pit dwelling. I also sit here and know that my body is healing, that my CA125 proves that which means the chemo is working and remission is on the way. I have a huge bunch of friends who work hours to make something for dinner that my whole family can eat. That is so important to me, that Austin isn't left out. I have a family that supports me by coming to stay with me for 5 days while I work thru the nausea after chemo so I don't have to deal with laundry, kids, cleaning. I have a best friend who takes all the hugs I shouldn't be accepting and another who drives 4 hours to help take care of me and the kids.

I also have a wig now. It amazes me how that helps with feeling normal. It is pretty good- very blond, but that suits me at so many different levels!!

All that to say that I think I've come to acceptance. I have cancer, plain and simple, and I'm doing all I can do defeat it. The doctors and nurses are doing all they can and the chemo is doing all it can. We're doing all we can to see if it is hereditary so my sisters have even more information to go to their doctors with. That leaves us with praying and God doing the rest. He'll make this a journey that reveals himself thru me. I don't know what that is yet, but I'm sure he'll let me know. I think it has something to do with facing my worst fears- cancer and dying while my children are young. (Not meant for tears-just is what it is)

Specific prayer requests would be for my white cell count and my neutraphil count to go up. If it doesn't get to a certain point I won't be able to get my treatment on the 29th, and I'm all about no set backs. As school starts I'll need a little energy for the homework scene. And I am very restless at night, even with medication.