Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Go away 2013

After a year of being on some sort of medicine or chemo for this chronic disease of mine I am very ready to face a new year with better understanding of it, of me, and of living within the boundaries of love and acceptance, faith and hope and belief.  It's been a trying, difficult, painful, numbing year, yet somehow amazing slipped in and out throughout it all.
The highlights?  Well having Barbara here with us, Abbi graduating and her party, Austin getting his varsity letter, Jayson's birthday party that was 4 months late, and being able to chat on FB with my Chilean daughter, Nellely.  My family and friends who did what they could to help me through my storm, our storm.
I have watched more TV than I care to tell, let my kids be on any electronic device more than I ever thought I would allow, done less cleaning- just done less than ever.  I call it resting and recuperating.  I don't really know how to negotiate what that looks like, what the line is between less stress, exercise, keeping life real, being overly tired and overly out of shape along with overly steroided, causing some weight gain.  That just makes me super mad!
Tim and I got to spend an hour with Dr. Hicks last week.  We got so much information, perfect timing I must say.  There is a lot to tell you.  First of all I get to take a break from chemo.  My CA125 is 41- where it's been hovering for the last few months.  That will be my new normal and that's ok.  I kinda had that figured out.  For the next several months my Dr. will be tracking my CA125 monthly so that he can figure out what my plan of action, my maintenance schedule will be.  It's going to take some time, and some roller coaster rides, but in the end, a PLAN!!  To know me is to know I like to at least have a little bit of knowledge about what is next for me.  Playing these last few months as 'wait and see' was hard- I know it was hard for you too.  Basically the plan will reveal itself in the numbers.  When my CA gets high then I'll have a treatment and it will go back to it's new normal.  Yes probably only one treatment, probably 4-6-8 months apart; it is another 'wait and see' until my pattern is established.  For today, I am so happy and relieved about it.  One treatment every few months- piece of cake.  I get to recover then live life.  More good news is that I am still on the first line of defense chemo, I have no symptoms, and people can live like this for 20+ years.
Not only will we have a plan, but we have his blessing to go and see what other places are offering.  This is almost too hard to explain, but some institutions my have found a protocol that has proven to work and is approved for those specific doctors in that institution to use as a standard of care- but the information about those approaches do not have to be shared or approved by FDA or NCI….. So some investigations will also take place.  He's totally open to it! As long as treatments aren't' harmful he's all for them.  I love my doctor.
2013 tested me and my head and my heart to the core.  It shook me, it taunted with my beliefs, it played games with my head and heart daily.  I have been unable to read much, because my head can't concentrate, but that includes reading God's word or books about him.  I am hoping that I can truly do some resting in his hands while I leave my health in the hands of my doctor (and me), trusting that God is in the middle.  I have great hope that once my body and mind recover from the chemo poisoning that I will be able to once again concentrate- on anything else but me.  I'm so over me.  I want to concentrate on others again.
So the new year begins and I need a resolution- I don't really.  I never really got into that simply because they never seems to happen.  A suggestion was to choose a word that you would like to become better at displaying, or living as….

I've had these tiles for years, in my 'Christian Kitchen'.  They've been there so long I forgot what they said.  I was thinking about what my word could be, having little to no luck and then I remembered these.  I re-read them and decided that Victory, with it's definition is definitely how I need to be walking each day.  Then I read trust; do I even need to re explain how little trust in the Lord I have had?  Cast…. Again, many of you know that 'casting' isn't a strong suit of mine.  I've gotten much better but who on earth doesn't need to do that better.  Then Jesus: he's the same yesterday and today yes and forever.  In my recent life, in this battle, He hasn't seemed the same.  He's seemed distant many times, stingy with the healings being prayed for, dare I say seemingly uncaring. (This is about me and my messed up 'ness')  My head knows so much more than this heart can understand, which is good.  I know none of those are true about Jesus.  I know he is kind and loving and that the prayers are being answered.  I selfishly want, for my myself and others, the miracle of healing here on earth.  Like 4 years ago.  So I will work on seeing Him as the same, always.  I will take some time and identify His characteristics so I can speak them when I see them.
So here's how I'll word it- completely backward…. Jesus who is always for me, always loves me, wants me to cast all anxiety's on Him because He cares.  I will trust Him with all my being so that I can walk each day in the victory that belongs to Him, and because I belong to Him, it belongs to me.
For now, that is my update, my life change, my commitment for growth.

Thank you all for your love and prayers. Here's to 2014.

Much love,