Now how about those control issues.....
Such a battle with this firstborn Aries. I just want some little things to be right is all. What is the problem with that, really. I'm not hurting anyone, in fact it would help. I only want 8 kids from Chile. Whats the problem. Wanna know what it is.... I probably wouldn't be able to adopt because of my previous battles with cancer. Not exactly a non chaotic atmosphere. Not exactly normal. And that is not ok with me. I haven't really looked into it because I don't even want to know if my suspicions are true.
Control. Just a little please. I haven't felt in control of much for many years. I've never had to give God so many things at one time, over and over. And sometimes I just get tired of repeatedly giving that control to Him. Sometimes it feels like He's off his rocker, slipped and bumped his royal head. Just one spring- just one baseball season- just one track season....
I know I'm the one off her rocker. No guarantees about the life we get to live. The only guarantee is that it will be eternal if we choose to believe. And I believe. That isn't an issue.
I want to control my kids choices. But I am learning, daily, that I can't. I just have to trust that our example and their upbringing will stay with them keeping them on the right track and living for God and His kingdom, not their own teenage kingdom. Wow, that is one big kingdom those teens have. Whew. I just want my sisters to be happy, healthy and not hurting. I want my nephews' autism to go away. I want my nieces peanut allergy to go away. I want asthma to go away for all children. I want Austin's Celiac to go away, and Abbi's ADHD to go away. I want Jayson diagnosed- hahaha. I want to have a piece of this life to form and make into what I want it to be. I guess that piece is the kitchen counter. Although, looking at all the stuff on it right now, I'd say that is out of control too.
I want my friends pain, their roller coaster rides, their health and their marriages to be healed. I want my super curly hair back. And I want to be healthy. Mostly I want others to be healthy, loved, wanted, needed, and healed.
This week lack of control came in with a mad rush- kind of like Niagara Falls. My friends- well they sorta kidnapped me so we could do something that allowed us to loose control completely. We went and broke dishes: bowls, salad plates, dinner plates; into pieces. Each piece probably has a name on it. Between the 3 of us control is an issue. But we lost it. For 20 minutes we took turns smashing whatever we had in our hands. Jumping up before throwing them down seems to make the plates break into more pieces. Some had to be rebroken because their pieces were just too darn big still. There we stood, looking at all that lack of control. Then we swept it up, but it back into the container and back home it went.
The significance to my life is a bit overwhelming. And who is affected by my life, who loves me, who cares for me leaves lumps in my throat and a smile in my heart. I cannot believe how I am loved. I cannot understand why I am so loved. I am so many of those plates and bowls shattered on the ground, and you guys are always sweeping me up. Thankfully our Father helps me to identify the many shattered pieces, sometimes slowly, sometimes painfully, but always faithfully. Then, back together I go-some pieces chipped and worn, giving compassion and sensitivity. Some completely whole, giving me confidence and a faith that is unbreakable. Some pieces are missing, and are filled with something new, like a heart for children in Chile, or a heart for people who suffer from cancer, or a heart for renewing love. Each time He puts me back together he does something special in me. Each and every time. Although I may never understand the purpose, or the means- I do understand the beauty and the strength that could only come from Jesus putting the pieces back where they belong- even if they only belong there for a short period. (Meaning a changing heart)
So go ahead and loose control. It's a lot easier that trying to keep it.
I love you. Thank you for praying. Please don't stop.
Vicki
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Pieces part 2
I think I might try to tackle Love:
Love, while in Chile, really stretched me. I had to learn to bite my tongue, find a trusted person for venting, and then not stay in that venting mode-because we all know where that can lead. I tried desperately to love in one particular area, but I couldn't. It was the most horrible feeling to not be able to get control of that. Thats usually when I get a bit quiet and just watch. Watching for reasons or answers or moments that will help me to understand and process. I did finally get to a spot where I could approach the issue with love and confidence and a sincere heart, and it was good.
Sometimes God makes me wait tho, to find those moments. He's blessed me with a discernment that I sometimes enjoy, and sometimes don't. I didn't love it this time. But he still brought me thru it. And while I still don't have a completely settled heart and I think there is more to it, I feel that if I needed to I could address it personally, not thru others. I know that's vague, but that's just the way it is.
Love is a challenge at times. I was challenged by a friend about my seemingly unloving spirit. Something they could see in my face (go figure). I was a bit shocked, but thankful they talked to me. And I did agree with some of what they said. But some I don't. Sometimes, when I am shocked, or confused, or just plain hurt and angry, I look for someone who knows me, and I look at their eyes so they can see into mine, hopefully leading them into my heart. I don't usually react for all to see-because I wouldn't want to hurt any person, even if I am mad. When I find that persons eyes I dump my thoughts there, and if they know me they can read it pretty well. And they did read it well. I think however they didn't quite understand how I process. While I was not happy, I was filtering thru the reasons- about me and about the situation. What lined up? What could I affect positively? How do I connect and respond lovingly. I just needed a safe person to see. I am hoping in that process they learned a bit more about me. I do try to find a way to connect and love, and I did. But that doesn't mean that the issues I was seeing aren't real, or wrong, or don't need to be dealt with. While I feel I was successful in a couple areas, there are still a few more really important things that need a love filled person to help find the answers- and a path shown to all parties by God.
I don't hate. My eyes may say I'm really pissed off, but my eyes are just trying to find a place to safely dump that ugly stuff. Then I take time- sometimes it's painfully long for those waiting for me to process- but that's who I am. But after I get some processing done, I spring into action. And while not everything was solved, that's ok. At least it was started, and others will lovingly continue.
I do have to retreat to process. Mostly because if I don't, I won't hear Christ and I won't be able to move from my spot of shock, pain, anger, whatever. And life presents me with many opportunities to process.
Love broke my heart into pieces that trip. Saying goodbye to those children. Saying goodbye to new friends. Saying goodbye to so many things left undone. Saying goodbye to the missionaries. It was hard. Watching the tears of our teens made my heart swell with love, while breaking it at the same time. Compassion can be a bit all encompassing for me. I loved those little children. We all did and we all wanted to bring at least one home. And maybe that is the path God wants for me. I have the love, and so do my kids. Wow, can they love. When Nallely had to be taken from me, my heart was just screaming, the tears streaming, almost to the point of inconsolable. Watching them run down the street to wave to us on the bus, one last time... Oh the love.
What's awesome tho, is that they got to feel all that love too. Those children, who maybe haven't been loved at all, got to see it in action, feel it physically, and know it as real. Hopefully that will stay with them. That they are worthy of love. That they should find love. And that they should keep Jesus with them so they always feel love.
So, if I lock eyes on you, it means I have great respect and trust in you to let me dump and not judge the ugly moment of my heart. We all have them. Sometimes I'll process out loud with you. I just need to say/hear it-and I'm not afraid to show that ugly side because we all have them. Sometimes I just need your help seeing clearly or at least clearer. Sometimes your perspective leads me to His truth. And sometimes I need to know that I am out of line. Introspection is good. And believe it or not, I need it way more often than not.
Love: it always conquers all.
Vicki
Love, while in Chile, really stretched me. I had to learn to bite my tongue, find a trusted person for venting, and then not stay in that venting mode-because we all know where that can lead. I tried desperately to love in one particular area, but I couldn't. It was the most horrible feeling to not be able to get control of that. Thats usually when I get a bit quiet and just watch. Watching for reasons or answers or moments that will help me to understand and process. I did finally get to a spot where I could approach the issue with love and confidence and a sincere heart, and it was good.
Sometimes God makes me wait tho, to find those moments. He's blessed me with a discernment that I sometimes enjoy, and sometimes don't. I didn't love it this time. But he still brought me thru it. And while I still don't have a completely settled heart and I think there is more to it, I feel that if I needed to I could address it personally, not thru others. I know that's vague, but that's just the way it is.
Love is a challenge at times. I was challenged by a friend about my seemingly unloving spirit. Something they could see in my face (go figure). I was a bit shocked, but thankful they talked to me. And I did agree with some of what they said. But some I don't. Sometimes, when I am shocked, or confused, or just plain hurt and angry, I look for someone who knows me, and I look at their eyes so they can see into mine, hopefully leading them into my heart. I don't usually react for all to see-because I wouldn't want to hurt any person, even if I am mad. When I find that persons eyes I dump my thoughts there, and if they know me they can read it pretty well. And they did read it well. I think however they didn't quite understand how I process. While I was not happy, I was filtering thru the reasons- about me and about the situation. What lined up? What could I affect positively? How do I connect and respond lovingly. I just needed a safe person to see. I am hoping in that process they learned a bit more about me. I do try to find a way to connect and love, and I did. But that doesn't mean that the issues I was seeing aren't real, or wrong, or don't need to be dealt with. While I feel I was successful in a couple areas, there are still a few more really important things that need a love filled person to help find the answers- and a path shown to all parties by God.
I don't hate. My eyes may say I'm really pissed off, but my eyes are just trying to find a place to safely dump that ugly stuff. Then I take time- sometimes it's painfully long for those waiting for me to process- but that's who I am. But after I get some processing done, I spring into action. And while not everything was solved, that's ok. At least it was started, and others will lovingly continue.
I do have to retreat to process. Mostly because if I don't, I won't hear Christ and I won't be able to move from my spot of shock, pain, anger, whatever. And life presents me with many opportunities to process.
Love broke my heart into pieces that trip. Saying goodbye to those children. Saying goodbye to new friends. Saying goodbye to so many things left undone. Saying goodbye to the missionaries. It was hard. Watching the tears of our teens made my heart swell with love, while breaking it at the same time. Compassion can be a bit all encompassing for me. I loved those little children. We all did and we all wanted to bring at least one home. And maybe that is the path God wants for me. I have the love, and so do my kids. Wow, can they love. When Nallely had to be taken from me, my heart was just screaming, the tears streaming, almost to the point of inconsolable. Watching them run down the street to wave to us on the bus, one last time... Oh the love.
What's awesome tho, is that they got to feel all that love too. Those children, who maybe haven't been loved at all, got to see it in action, feel it physically, and know it as real. Hopefully that will stay with them. That they are worthy of love. That they should find love. And that they should keep Jesus with them so they always feel love.
So, if I lock eyes on you, it means I have great respect and trust in you to let me dump and not judge the ugly moment of my heart. We all have them. Sometimes I'll process out loud with you. I just need to say/hear it-and I'm not afraid to show that ugly side because we all have them. Sometimes I just need your help seeing clearly or at least clearer. Sometimes your perspective leads me to His truth. And sometimes I need to know that I am out of line. Introspection is good. And believe it or not, I need it way more often than not.
Love: it always conquers all.
Vicki
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Pieces
As I said on my latest FB status, I now understand what "Break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I have for your kingdoms cause" means. While my heart has been broken so much, especially in recent years, this mission trip to Chile broke it into pieces. And guess who gets to come with me while God and I pick them up and put me back together? YOU! So lucky.....
Some of the pieces I've identified are:
Nallely, one of the eight children at the home.
Constanza, Cony, Haviara, Carla, Jorshua, Juan, Alberto
Mission
Control
Piles
Poverty
Parenting
Love
I thought I did a good job of not having expectations about the mission trip, but now am not as sure. Our trip was kind of backward from other mission trips that I have heard about. Our first day there was spent unpacking, making room for us to sleep, changing the sleeping arrangements, shopping at various local places including the grocery store, the farrier (fruits and veggies) and the fish store. We split into groups and all went to something. I went to the grocery store to see what they had that was gluten free. Pasta was about it. Good thing I packed food for that big boy of mine.
We got to meet some of the kids that day as well.
But as the trip continued, Nallely grabbed hold of my heart.
And never let go.
And neither did I.
And neither will I.
Each child found a person or family that they favored. It was quite extraordinary. Many of them, however, easily loved each of us. Nallely was like that. She just loved who she was with and could easily change from person to person.
Carla stole the Sommer's heart, Scott in particular.
Consantza stole Danielle's.
Haviara stole many of the teens hearts, Austin and Rachel's to name a couple.
Jorshua stole Camerons and Will's heart.
Juan stole Jaclyn and Will's heart.
Alberto stole Pati's heart- altho they all stole Pati's heart.
Cony, she is not quite ready to give or receive hearts, but she tried, and we love her and we know she loved us.
So when we show up with new children you will know where they came from......
We all wanted to take them all home.
Broken American hearts blending with broken Chilean hearts for such a time as this.....
But this is only the beginning of that piece of my broken heart. Nallely: To be continued....
Some of the pieces I've identified are:
Nallely, one of the eight children at the home.
Constanza, Cony, Haviara, Carla, Jorshua, Juan, Alberto
Mission
Control
Piles
Poverty
Parenting
Love
I thought I did a good job of not having expectations about the mission trip, but now am not as sure. Our trip was kind of backward from other mission trips that I have heard about. Our first day there was spent unpacking, making room for us to sleep, changing the sleeping arrangements, shopping at various local places including the grocery store, the farrier (fruits and veggies) and the fish store. We split into groups and all went to something. I went to the grocery store to see what they had that was gluten free. Pasta was about it. Good thing I packed food for that big boy of mine.
We got to meet some of the kids that day as well.
But as the trip continued, Nallely grabbed hold of my heart.
And never let go.
And neither did I.
And neither will I.
Each child found a person or family that they favored. It was quite extraordinary. Many of them, however, easily loved each of us. Nallely was like that. She just loved who she was with and could easily change from person to person.
Carla stole the Sommer's heart, Scott in particular.
Consantza stole Danielle's.
Haviara stole many of the teens hearts, Austin and Rachel's to name a couple.
Jorshua stole Camerons and Will's heart.
Juan stole Jaclyn and Will's heart.
Alberto stole Pati's heart- altho they all stole Pati's heart.
Cony, she is not quite ready to give or receive hearts, but she tried, and we love her and we know she loved us.
So when we show up with new children you will know where they came from......
We all wanted to take them all home.
Broken American hearts blending with broken Chilean hearts for such a time as this.....
But this is only the beginning of that piece of my broken heart. Nallely: To be continued....
 |
| Nallely and her 'family', mom and dad, Cindy and Israel, her real brother Jorshua, Haviara and Constanza |
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
A box of china
My brother in laws dad died friday night in his sleep. This is Sue's husbands father. Yeah, quite overwhelming. Larry was an awesome man and child of God. He knew almost literally every person in St. Louis. Mail carrier, fire chief, church janitor. Everyone went to Larry when they needed help.
Tuesday, the funeral, was brutal. It was the first time being with Bob and his family since Sue died. The girls and Renee spent hours going thru the 'pretties' that were Sue's, her mom's or grandmothers and painstakingly chose dishes and linens and such for each girl/family. I got to take my box home that day.
As I unpacked it today to see what the girls saved for me I just felt so loved. A glass bowl with flower shaped edges, and a tray to match. Dishes with beautiful pink flowers. A candy dish (now filled with sour patch kids extreme) sits on a doily on the new counters, and it belongs. We used the plates for dinner tonight. And I loved it. Silly, but I did. Sue loved her pretty things and was sentimental about them. I don't usually follow the sentimental pattern, but I always want a piece of Sue with me.
When I found out about Bobs dad I had quite the tailspin of a day. All the anguish and sadness and grief I had not let out in a while came out. And it wasn't a pretty sight. My eyes were swollen for 2 days. But I needed that. I needed time alone crying viciously because of my grief over loosing Sue, my sister and friend. My confidant at times. My go to girl for prayer and encouragement. The feelings were so intense.
What delight the china brought to me. Washing it, displaying it, using it. It just seems so natural. And all the doilies and hankies- so pretty. Not sure what to do with hankies tho....
The good news is we made it thru without too many tears. I made it without any until I went into the bathroom and washed my hands and there was one of the many verses she had written throughout the house. Came out crying just because I saw her writing. She loved Jesus so.
But now she has a new family member up there in heaven and the angels are rejoicing.
But I have my china, and for now, that will have to do until I see her face again.
So nothing serious. Just a joyous box of china, here to remind of Sue's sweetness, courage, and lifesong each and every day.
Love your family.
Vicki
Tuesday, the funeral, was brutal. It was the first time being with Bob and his family since Sue died. The girls and Renee spent hours going thru the 'pretties' that were Sue's, her mom's or grandmothers and painstakingly chose dishes and linens and such for each girl/family. I got to take my box home that day.
As I unpacked it today to see what the girls saved for me I just felt so loved. A glass bowl with flower shaped edges, and a tray to match. Dishes with beautiful pink flowers. A candy dish (now filled with sour patch kids extreme) sits on a doily on the new counters, and it belongs. We used the plates for dinner tonight. And I loved it. Silly, but I did. Sue loved her pretty things and was sentimental about them. I don't usually follow the sentimental pattern, but I always want a piece of Sue with me.
When I found out about Bobs dad I had quite the tailspin of a day. All the anguish and sadness and grief I had not let out in a while came out. And it wasn't a pretty sight. My eyes were swollen for 2 days. But I needed that. I needed time alone crying viciously because of my grief over loosing Sue, my sister and friend. My confidant at times. My go to girl for prayer and encouragement. The feelings were so intense.
What delight the china brought to me. Washing it, displaying it, using it. It just seems so natural. And all the doilies and hankies- so pretty. Not sure what to do with hankies tho....
The good news is we made it thru without too many tears. I made it without any until I went into the bathroom and washed my hands and there was one of the many verses she had written throughout the house. Came out crying just because I saw her writing. She loved Jesus so.
But now she has a new family member up there in heaven and the angels are rejoicing.
But I have my china, and for now, that will have to do until I see her face again.
So nothing serious. Just a joyous box of china, here to remind of Sue's sweetness, courage, and lifesong each and every day.
Love your family.
Vicki
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Walking
Talking a walk in North Carolina last week was so beautiful. The sun was shining, something I hadn't seen in a while. And it was a bit brisk out, but the sun, the birds and some greenery made it quite lovely. My sister is a runner, so she was running the trails while I walked for a bit.
There was a river, Falls of Neuse River, that runs alongside the trail and since my body is behind schedule in the exercise/buff department I decided to take a little break. I traipsed thru the brush to find a good log to sit on and just watched the water flow by. I noticed some of the trees that had fallen into the river, others just hanging over ready to go down with the next good storm. And then others that stood upright and strong. But the best ones were the pricker trees, green with leaves. Leaves with tiny prickles on the end of each curve.
So on the log I sat, listening to some praise and worship on the ipod, when No More Tears came on. That's a song I want to put on Sweet Sue's celebration DVD. But I got a bit teary. As I looked at the river I envisioned my weeping as those trees that had fallen into the river, suffering as the trees ready to fall during the next storm, and the trees that stood upright as the praises from us to our God, our Jesus, our friend, our savior.
Then the pricker tree leaves intrigued me. Beautiful and green, curved, yet at each curve was a thorn.
Considering the last few months of my life, including the lives of the people I love and adore and support with my heart, it's been less than awesome.
With every upward curve, a thorn.
Disease, death, death, death, divorce, friends with cancer, money, teen drama, hip and back pain, car accidents, weight gain, tests.... Just when I feel I'm on an upswing, that darn thorn is right there. I feel like I am green and blossoming- then life throws the curves and that darn thorn is there. Do I prick myself or do I trust?
Good heart soil is where joy is planted, but you can't have the joy without the light, without being one of God's people. I spoke of being sideways in my last blog. But I am realizing how important it is to keep upright, horizontal in our position, love and trust of Jesus. Not a single detail will be missed and when our time is up we will be completely put back together and whole and upright.
Circumstances will always be around and make us feel sideways, crooked, lopsided. But we have a choice as to how we will stand in the middle of those circumstances. We have a choice. Notice he keeps many out of the ditch (pit) and on the road. That river wasn't much more than a ditch. Some of the trees fell in never to be rescued, others are on the brink and the rest are upright, perhaps protecting the others, perhaps certain of their purpose.
I've been all those trees, except the ones that don't get rescued. And my life is a pricker tree leaf. It's alive and beautiful, but has many curves and thorns in its design. I choose to be the upright tree, protecting my friends and family from the inevitable worldly desires that creep so slowly into our lives. And I want to stop landing on thorns with every curve that life throws. The curves should be expected. And the thorns, well they are a choice. I choose to use the thorns against the one who is trying to prick me-take that you devil you.
You get it? Explain it to me......
Much Love,
Vicki
There was a river, Falls of Neuse River, that runs alongside the trail and since my body is behind schedule in the exercise/buff department I decided to take a little break. I traipsed thru the brush to find a good log to sit on and just watched the water flow by. I noticed some of the trees that had fallen into the river, others just hanging over ready to go down with the next good storm. And then others that stood upright and strong. But the best ones were the pricker trees, green with leaves. Leaves with tiny prickles on the end of each curve.
So on the log I sat, listening to some praise and worship on the ipod, when No More Tears came on. That's a song I want to put on Sweet Sue's celebration DVD. But I got a bit teary. As I looked at the river I envisioned my weeping as those trees that had fallen into the river, suffering as the trees ready to fall during the next storm, and the trees that stood upright as the praises from us to our God, our Jesus, our friend, our savior.
Then the pricker tree leaves intrigued me. Beautiful and green, curved, yet at each curve was a thorn.
Considering the last few months of my life, including the lives of the people I love and adore and support with my heart, it's been less than awesome.
With every upward curve, a thorn.
Disease, death, death, death, divorce, friends with cancer, money, teen drama, hip and back pain, car accidents, weight gain, tests.... Just when I feel I'm on an upswing, that darn thorn is right there. I feel like I am green and blossoming- then life throws the curves and that darn thorn is there. Do I prick myself or do I trust?
John 6:39 MSG This, in a nutshell, is that will: that everything handed over to me by the Father be completed-not a single detail missed-and at the wrap-up of time I have everything and everyone put together, upright and whole.
Ps 18:24 I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step.
Malachi 2:6 He taught the truth and did not lie. He walked with me in peace and uprightness. He kept many out of the ditch, kept them on the road.
Ps 41:12 You know me inside and out, you hold me together, you never fail to stand me tall in your presence so I can look you in the eye.
Ps 97:11 Light-seeds are planted in the souls of God's people, joy-seeds are planted in good heart-soil.
Good heart soil is where joy is planted, but you can't have the joy without the light, without being one of God's people. I spoke of being sideways in my last blog. But I am realizing how important it is to keep upright, horizontal in our position, love and trust of Jesus. Not a single detail will be missed and when our time is up we will be completely put back together and whole and upright.
Circumstances will always be around and make us feel sideways, crooked, lopsided. But we have a choice as to how we will stand in the middle of those circumstances. We have a choice. Notice he keeps many out of the ditch (pit) and on the road. That river wasn't much more than a ditch. Some of the trees fell in never to be rescued, others are on the brink and the rest are upright, perhaps protecting the others, perhaps certain of their purpose.
I've been all those trees, except the ones that don't get rescued. And my life is a pricker tree leaf. It's alive and beautiful, but has many curves and thorns in its design. I choose to be the upright tree, protecting my friends and family from the inevitable worldly desires that creep so slowly into our lives. And I want to stop landing on thorns with every curve that life throws. The curves should be expected. And the thorns, well they are a choice. I choose to use the thorns against the one who is trying to prick me-take that you devil you.
You get it? Explain it to me......
Much Love,
Vicki
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
On the flip side
Since Sunday I have been just a bit consumed with how quickly life goes by us. As Jayson and I were doing donuts on M53, which didn't look bad to me in that big truck, I realized that my precious little one was really in some possible trouble. I know how to drive- I'm a really good driver. But driving a truck and driving an all wheel drive are not the same my friends. So there we were, circling around and I say to Jay hang on honey, something is going to happen, it's going to be ok. LIAR!
I couldn't look at him at that moment of course because I was trying to right the truck, to no avail. I think I let go of the wheel but kept my foot on the brake (yes, yes, I know... now....) and in we went to the middle berm and just toppled over. My bible bag and all it's contents fell all over me and onto the window- sort of a funny thing. You know, Gods word all over me and the truck.
Thankfully Jay was on the passenger side and the drivers side is what was now facing the ground. I looked up at him and asked if he was ok. Oh his precious face. Ever seen that boy quiet? He was shaking but said he was fine, and "It's ok mom, I have my 3ds. It didn't fall." His favorite possession at the moment.
Not a moment went by when there were several people at the scene making sure we were ok, asking questions. I gave a thumbs up, not really believing we were so unhurt. I am literally texting my friends at church, since they would be worried when I didn't show up. As I was texting one person came to the windshield. He was upright. He looked so strange from my vantage point. But I focused on his eyes, and got myself back to reality. So Trevor helped talk me through some things to do. They had me pop the back end and they went and got Jay first, of course. Then I say, "I'm sorry, I'm not the lightest person on earth," and he says it's ok he is quite strong. So ridiculous I am... But how sweet he was. When I got out of the truck Jay was way over on the other side of the berm with a sweet mom and he was just looking at me like are you sure you're ok mommy. So I went over and we hugged and I assured him I was fine, trying to make light of the overturned truck we had just walked out of.
The calvary was there very quickly, as there were 3 other accidents within a 2 mile distance. I didn't get a ticket so I believe I didn't do anything reckless, thank God. We did not go to the hospital even tho since the accident 10 years ago I always swore I would. But we had nothing wrong at all. Not to worry, the medical part is still open! The paramedics talked to us for quite a while and waited until the tow truck came and then off they went to another accident scene.
Next came my girlfriends from church. Now mind you I said I was in a crash. Well, whatever. Symantics. They were more than a little sickened by the sight of the truck on its side. We waited in the car until Tim got there. My husbands truck. It was good to see him. And to be honest if that had happened in my car I know the hospital would have been our next stop!
One phrase has been teasing me- on the wings of a prayer.
Several people saw or were praying for me that morning.... HM.
I believe I might be the definition of on the wings of a prayer. Or even Bon Jovi's 'Living on a prayer' song. Makes me giggle a bit.
On the flip side, all your belongings fall on top of you and land at your side. On the flip side you look up and your loved ones are suspended in air by the saving 'arms' of a seat belt. On the flip side you walk on the edge where the door and windows come together to get out of the back of the truck. On the flip side people just throw stuff out of your car to save you. The flip side is looking ahead and seeing you are crooked and others are not. The flip side makes you thankful for people teaching you to stand upright, to get your footing right, to help. The flip side seems unreal, not in real time, feels like a dream or nightmare coming true. I think I'm still a little flipped, but I am trying to figure out how to stand tall- with help and prayer and knowledge of what God does want from this flipped out lover of His soul. He doesn't want me yet, obviously. But I must say, I am tired of being on the flip side. It's been a dwelling place these last few years- whether my own hard stuff or my family and friends hard stuff. My balance is off and I am crooked. He's got me tho:
Vicki
I couldn't look at him at that moment of course because I was trying to right the truck, to no avail. I think I let go of the wheel but kept my foot on the brake (yes, yes, I know... now....) and in we went to the middle berm and just toppled over. My bible bag and all it's contents fell all over me and onto the window- sort of a funny thing. You know, Gods word all over me and the truck.
Thankfully Jay was on the passenger side and the drivers side is what was now facing the ground. I looked up at him and asked if he was ok. Oh his precious face. Ever seen that boy quiet? He was shaking but said he was fine, and "It's ok mom, I have my 3ds. It didn't fall." His favorite possession at the moment.
Not a moment went by when there were several people at the scene making sure we were ok, asking questions. I gave a thumbs up, not really believing we were so unhurt. I am literally texting my friends at church, since they would be worried when I didn't show up. As I was texting one person came to the windshield. He was upright. He looked so strange from my vantage point. But I focused on his eyes, and got myself back to reality. So Trevor helped talk me through some things to do. They had me pop the back end and they went and got Jay first, of course. Then I say, "I'm sorry, I'm not the lightest person on earth," and he says it's ok he is quite strong. So ridiculous I am... But how sweet he was. When I got out of the truck Jay was way over on the other side of the berm with a sweet mom and he was just looking at me like are you sure you're ok mommy. So I went over and we hugged and I assured him I was fine, trying to make light of the overturned truck we had just walked out of.
The calvary was there very quickly, as there were 3 other accidents within a 2 mile distance. I didn't get a ticket so I believe I didn't do anything reckless, thank God. We did not go to the hospital even tho since the accident 10 years ago I always swore I would. But we had nothing wrong at all. Not to worry, the medical part is still open! The paramedics talked to us for quite a while and waited until the tow truck came and then off they went to another accident scene.
Next came my girlfriends from church. Now mind you I said I was in a crash. Well, whatever. Symantics. They were more than a little sickened by the sight of the truck on its side. We waited in the car until Tim got there. My husbands truck. It was good to see him. And to be honest if that had happened in my car I know the hospital would have been our next stop!
One phrase has been teasing me- on the wings of a prayer.
Several people saw or were praying for me that morning.... HM.
I believe I might be the definition of on the wings of a prayer. Or even Bon Jovi's 'Living on a prayer' song. Makes me giggle a bit.
On the flip side, all your belongings fall on top of you and land at your side. On the flip side you look up and your loved ones are suspended in air by the saving 'arms' of a seat belt. On the flip side you walk on the edge where the door and windows come together to get out of the back of the truck. On the flip side people just throw stuff out of your car to save you. The flip side is looking ahead and seeing you are crooked and others are not. The flip side makes you thankful for people teaching you to stand upright, to get your footing right, to help. The flip side seems unreal, not in real time, feels like a dream or nightmare coming true. I think I'm still a little flipped, but I am trying to figure out how to stand tall- with help and prayer and knowledge of what God does want from this flipped out lover of His soul. He doesn't want me yet, obviously. But I must say, I am tired of being on the flip side. It's been a dwelling place these last few years- whether my own hard stuff or my family and friends hard stuff. My balance is off and I am crooked. He's got me tho:
Thank you Lord for keeping Jayson and me safe, that our truck hit nothing and hurt no one, and for the people you sent to help us. Thank you for my friends and family who love me so much they would risk that drive to make sure they saw with their own eyes that we were ok. And thank you for whatever you did to keep us unharmed. Your hands or angels. I praise you for that. And thank you to the 2 friends that were praying at that moment. That is amazing to know that you were asking them to pray and they did. Thank you thank you.Much love, but live right side up, will you please. I need you to keep me from flipping again!
Vicki
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Broken Food Processors
Today has been a hectic day- not so much in the things that we did. It was just heavy today. The whole week has been like that. Back MRI last Monday all to find out there is really nothing that can be done. Worried about sitting on a plane for 9 hours. But excited to do so. Finishing up a couple scanning jobs, getting a new one- all good again. So good. But realizing that it is almost 1 month since Sue died and still not really 'feeling' it which feels like something that just doesn't seem right. In light of Sue and of Chile and of cancer I wanted to get some healthy food in the house for me. I know you won't believe this, but I could become a health nut fairly easily. But I can't eat healthy if I don't have the food. So a few veggies later I have a huge veggie tray. But not until I had to defeat the beast of annoyance and the stupid food processors.
My friend made good salsa so I asked for the recipe. It's my favorite veggie! So I bought the items, got them all into my food processor- and I do mean all the ingredients, plugged it in and saw tomato juice all over the counter. It was leaking and it wouldn't work. So yeah, take the bowl off, place it in the sink, clean up, throw away the processor. I have a descent blender so I was getting that out to use instead, when it slipped from my hand and broke onto the really nice wood floor- glass. UG. So I pick up the large shards and get it all thrown out, vacuum the remaining pieces and realize all I have left for options is to call someone and ask to borrow one or the other. But, gee I just wasn't in the mood to call anyone..... So I used my baby food processor. Not even kidding. Dumped each batch into a big bowl and mixed it all up. It tastes too tomato'y' but it's pretty good.
I'm feeling like the leaking food processor. I'm squished with pain, physical and emotional, a deep whole in my heart, and a few issues with family that are HUGE. I have friends getting cancer, people who are cutting themselves off from the world as a part of their battle, and I have no understanding of how that helps anyone. The worst news being that Alex has a tumor in his bladder. It is not known what it is yet. But- well if you know me at all I don't even need to continue.
Each issue is not about me- not something I have any control in whatsoever- a hard lesson I learned a while back. But oh how I just want to help. I want to help my friend who lost her husband. I want to help some acquaintances with their cancer journey. I want to save my sisters. I want to save Alex. I feel trapped in that food processor and the only way out is to ooze, and possibly break.
I can't figure out if my emotions are trapped or just broken into shards on the floor. I look at the picture of Suzy Q, hear her say "so, what cha doing?" and just can't believe that smile is gone from this earth. I'm scared I didn't do enough for her- understand her enough, talk to her enough. I loved her enough, respected and adored her enough and spent time with her enough. She was one of my greatest friends and supporters.
Food Processors are supposed to bring all the ingredients together to make a superb salsa, full of flavors and goodness. That's what I want my life to be like. But today, but for a while, I'm just seeping out, unable to combine or even define the ingredients that make me who I am.
I'm broken.
But I won't throw myself away! Nice reprieve on its way next weekend with a night away with 3 friends. And one really fun afternoon had with a couple ladies making one of the coolest crafts ever.
Now before you worry too much you need to know that I know this is just a temporary feeling. I get that. I even get that it is kinda normal. And I love your responses.
Love,
Vicki, Polly, Esther
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