Pieces part 3

Now how about those control issues.....

Such a battle with this firstborn Aries.  I just want some little things to be right is all.  What is the problem with that, really.  I'm not hurting anyone, in fact it would help.  I only want 8 kids from Chile.  Whats the problem.  Wanna know what it is.... I probably wouldn't be able to adopt because of my previous battles with cancer.  Not exactly a non chaotic atmosphere.  Not exactly normal.  And that is not ok with me.  I haven't really looked into it because I don't even want to know if my suspicions are true.

Control.  Just a little please.  I haven't felt in control of much for many years.  I've never had to give God so many things at one time, over and over.  And sometimes I just get tired of repeatedly giving that control to Him.  Sometimes it feels like He's off his rocker, slipped and bumped his royal head.  Just one spring- just one baseball season- just one track season....

I know I'm the one off her rocker.  No guarantees about the life we get to live.  The only guarantee is that it will be eternal if we choose to believe.  And I believe.  That isn't an issue.

I want to control my kids choices.  But I am learning, daily, that I can't.  I just have to trust that our example and their upbringing will stay with them keeping them on the right track and living for God and His kingdom, not their own teenage kingdom.  Wow, that is one big kingdom those teens have.  Whew.  I just want my sisters to be happy, healthy and not hurting.  I want my nephews' autism to go away.  I want my nieces peanut allergy to go away.  I want asthma to go away for all children.  I want Austin's Celiac to go away, and Abbi's ADHD to go away.  I want Jayson diagnosed- hahaha.  I want to have a piece of this life to form and make into what I want it to be.  I guess that piece is the kitchen counter.  Although, looking at all the stuff on it right now, I'd say that is out of control too.

I want my friends pain, their roller coaster rides, their health and their marriages to be healed.  I want my super curly hair back.  And I want to be healthy.  Mostly I want others to be healthy, loved, wanted, needed, and healed.

This week lack of control came in with a mad rush- kind of like Niagara Falls.  My friends- well they sorta kidnapped me so we could do something that allowed us to loose control completely. We went and broke dishes: bowls, salad plates, dinner plates; into pieces.  Each piece probably has a name on it.  Between the 3 of us control is an issue. But we lost it.  For 20 minutes we took turns smashing whatever we had in our hands.  Jumping up before throwing them down seems to make the plates break into more pieces.  Some had to be rebroken because their pieces were just too darn big still.  There we stood, looking at all that lack of control.  Then we swept it up, but it back into the container and back home it went.

The significance to my life is a bit overwhelming.  And who is affected by my life, who loves me, who cares for me leaves lumps in my throat and a smile in my heart.  I cannot believe how I am loved.  I cannot understand why I am so loved.  I am so many of those plates and bowls shattered on the ground, and you guys are always sweeping me up.  Thankfully our Father helps me to identify the many shattered pieces, sometimes slowly, sometimes painfully, but always faithfully.  Then, back together I go-some pieces chipped and worn, giving compassion and sensitivity.  Some completely whole, giving me confidence and a faith that is unbreakable.  Some pieces are missing, and are filled with something new, like a heart for children in Chile, or a heart for people who suffer from cancer, or a heart for renewing love.  Each time He puts me back together he does something special in me.  Each and every time.  Although I may never understand the purpose, or the means- I do understand the beauty and the strength that could only come from Jesus putting the pieces back where they belong- even if they only belong there for a short period. (Meaning a changing heart)

So go ahead and loose control.  It's a lot easier that trying to keep it.

I love you.  Thank you for praying.  Please don't stop.

Vicki