Pieces part 2

I think I might try to tackle Love:

Love, while in Chile, really stretched me.  I had to learn to bite my tongue, find a trusted person for venting, and then not stay in that venting mode-because we all know where that can lead.  I tried desperately to love in one particular area, but I couldn't.  It was the most horrible feeling to not be able to get control of that.  Thats usually when I get a bit quiet and just watch.  Watching for reasons or answers or moments that will help me to understand and process.  I did finally get to a spot where I could approach the issue with love and confidence and a sincere heart, and it was good.

Sometimes God makes me wait tho, to find those moments.  He's blessed me with a discernment that I sometimes enjoy, and sometimes don't.  I didn't love it this time.  But he still brought me thru it.  And while I still don't have a completely settled heart and I think there is more to it, I feel that if I needed to I could address it personally, not thru others.  I know that's vague, but that's just the way it is.

Love is a challenge at times.  I was challenged by a friend about my seemingly unloving spirit.  Something they could see in my face (go figure).  I was a bit shocked, but thankful they talked to me.  And I did agree with some of what they said.  But some I don't.  Sometimes, when I am shocked, or confused, or just plain hurt and angry, I look for someone who knows me, and I look at their eyes so they can see into mine, hopefully leading them into my heart.  I don't usually react for all to see-because I wouldn't want to hurt any person, even if I am mad.  When I find that persons eyes I dump my thoughts there, and if they know me they can read it pretty well.  And they did read it well.  I think however they didn't quite understand how I process.  While I was not happy, I was filtering thru the reasons- about me and about the situation.  What lined up?  What could I affect positively?  How do I connect and respond lovingly.  I just needed a safe person to see.  I am hoping in that process they learned a bit more about me.  I do try to find a way to connect and love, and I did.  But that doesn't mean that the issues I was seeing aren't real, or wrong, or don't need to be dealt with.  While I feel I was successful in a couple areas, there are still a few more really important things that need a love filled person to help find the answers- and a path shown to all parties by God.

I don't hate.  My eyes may say I'm really pissed off, but my eyes are just trying to find a place to safely dump that ugly stuff. Then I take time- sometimes it's painfully long for those waiting for me to process- but that's who I am.  But after I get some processing done, I spring into action.  And while not everything was solved, that's ok.  At least it was started, and others will lovingly continue.

I do have to retreat to process.  Mostly because if I don't, I won't hear Christ and I won't be able to move from my spot of shock, pain, anger, whatever.  And life presents me with many opportunities to process.

Love broke my heart into pieces that trip.  Saying goodbye to those children.  Saying goodbye to new friends.  Saying goodbye to so many things left undone.  Saying goodbye to the missionaries.  It was hard.  Watching the tears of our teens made my heart swell with love, while breaking it at the same time.  Compassion can be a bit all encompassing for me.  I loved those little children.  We all did and we all wanted to bring at least one home.  And maybe that is the path God wants for me.  I have the love, and so do my kids.  Wow, can they love.  When Nallely had to be taken from me, my heart was just screaming, the tears streaming, almost to the point of inconsolable.  Watching them run down the street to wave to us on the bus, one last time... Oh the love.

What's awesome tho, is that they got to feel all that love too.  Those children, who maybe haven't been loved at all, got to see it in action, feel it physically, and know it as real.  Hopefully that will stay with them.  That they are worthy of love.  That they should find love.  And that they should keep Jesus with them so they always feel love.

So, if I lock eyes on you, it means I have great respect and trust in you to let me dump and not judge the ugly moment of my heart.  We all have them.  Sometimes I'll process out loud with you.  I just need to say/hear it-and I'm not afraid to show that ugly side because we all have them.  Sometimes I just need your help seeing clearly or at least clearer.  Sometimes your perspective leads me to His truth.  And sometimes I need to know that I am out of line.  Introspection is good.  And believe it or not, I need it way more often than not.

Love: it always conquers all.

Vicki