Friday, June 12, 2015

Pieces of Me

I changed the name of my blog recently.  Mostly because as I re-read some of the posts I realized that each post was sharing an actual piece of my head or heart.  You may think that it is easy for me to do, but it is one of the most difficult things for me to do.  Writing it is so much better than trying to tell it verbally.  Oh the problems my words cause.

Back in the fall I started following a blog called Mundane Faithfulness, about a young mother of 4 dying from breast cancer.  Dying.  Her favorite word was Grace and her very strong faith and commitment to the Lord kept her unbelievably-I just don't know.  She was unbelievably awesome.  She wrote a book called 'The Hardest Peace'.  It is about coming to terms with knowing how/when/and why you are going to die.  It's so difficult to read but so good.  Her name was Kara Tippetts.  We had a lot in common.  She died around the time I stopped blogging.  I was just so sad.  The hardest part is that her friends are continuing her blog, sharing older posts, writing about how the family is doing and often writing about their own broken hearts.  I just couldn't  take it.  I can't read about how her friends and family are doing after her death.  I can't read how the children, or her littles as Kara called them, are doing without their mommy.  We have/had so very much in common.  I guess reading about what could be my story is just too much for my heart to handle.

Truth is, I haven't been ok since we came back from Mayo last August.  Starting a new chemo at the end of that month.  Then having so many issues with my body, thankfully nothing serious, but startling when they were unknown.  There is just no break. Then to find out thru a CT scan that I had pleural effusions was life altering.  I had to have a thorocentesis to drain the fluid from my lung area.  It hurt so badly I couldn't even talk about it! Basically my lungs were almost collapsed, which is why I couldn't breathe or stop coughing.  They drained 2 liters from my right lung and 1 from my left.  Yea, that's how I felt too.  Now, I have to go to a new chemo because the other has failed me.  The one I tried a few weeks ago was so not how I was going to spend my time!  So on the 22nd I start another new one.  The worst part is that it is 5 days a week, then 28 days off.  Oh boy, what fun.

So, no I'm not really very ok right now.  No, hope is not my word right now.  No I just don't want to interact right now.  And no, I just don't know how I feel about God.  I know some of what I should know and I believe what I do know about him, but I really don't understand very much right now.  So no, no, I just don't know how to be happy or blessed or content or motivated.  However, I am believing that like many of the dark places I've spent time in, a light will shine and I will be able to see a bit more clearly.  But hear me- this battle is forever for me.  No end for us to be a part of, except one.  It's a ways off, but understand please, the battle ends with me.

My prayer request would be that this new chemo, Topotecan, would work so that I can finally get put onto a maintenance schedule.  The more chemo, the more it accumulates and the more tired this body gets.

So you are caught up.  I'm sorry it is a sucky story.