Broken Food Processors

Today has been a hectic day- not so much in the things that we did. It was just heavy today. The whole week has been like that. Back MRI last Monday all to find out there is really nothing that can be done. Worried about sitting on a plane for 9 hours. But excited to do so. Finishing up a couple scanning jobs, getting a new one- all good again. So good. But realizing that it is almost 1 month since Sue died and still not really 'feeling' it which feels like something that just doesn't seem right. In light of Sue and of Chile and of cancer I wanted to get some healthy food in the house for me. I know you won't believe this, but I could become a health nut fairly easily. But I can't eat healthy if I don't have the food. So a few veggies later I have a huge veggie tray. But not until I had to defeat the beast of annoyance and the stupid food processors. My friend made good salsa so I asked for the recipe. It's my favorite veggie! So I bought the items, got them all into my food processor- and I do mean all the ingredients, plugged it in and saw tomato juice all over the counter. It was leaking and it wouldn't work. So yeah, take the bowl off, place it in the sink, clean up, throw away the processor. I have a descent blender so I was getting that out to use instead, when it slipped from my hand and broke onto the really nice wood floor- glass. UG. So I pick up the large shards and get it all thrown out, vacuum the remaining pieces and realize all I have left for options is to call someone and ask to borrow one or the other. But, gee I just wasn't in the mood to call anyone..... So I used my baby food processor. Not even kidding. Dumped each batch into a big bowl and mixed it all up. It tastes too tomato'y' but it's pretty good. I'm feeling like the leaking food processor. I'm squished with pain, physical and emotional, a deep whole in my heart, and a few issues with family that are HUGE. I have friends getting cancer, people who are cutting themselves off from the world as a part of their battle, and I have no understanding of how that helps anyone. The worst news being that Alex has a tumor in his bladder. It is not known what it is yet. But- well if you know me at all I don't even need to continue. Each issue is not about me- not something I have any control in whatsoever- a hard lesson I learned a while back. But oh how I just want to help. I want to help my friend who lost her husband. I want to help some acquaintances with their cancer journey. I want to save my sisters. I want to save Alex. I feel trapped in that food processor and the only way out is to ooze, and possibly break. I can't figure out if my emotions are trapped or just broken into shards on the floor. I look at the picture of Suzy Q, hear her say "so, what cha doing?" and just can't believe that smile is gone from this earth. I'm scared I didn't do enough for her- understand her enough, talk to her enough. I loved her enough, respected and adored her enough and spent time with her enough. She was one of my greatest friends and supporters. Food Processors are supposed to bring all the ingredients together to make a superb salsa, full of flavors and goodness. That's what I want my life to be like. But today, but for a while, I'm just seeping out, unable to combine or even define the ingredients that make me who I am. I'm broken. But I won't throw myself away! Nice reprieve on its way next weekend with a night away with 3 friends. And one really fun afternoon had with a couple ladies making one of the coolest crafts ever. Now before you worry too much you need to know that I know this is just a temporary feeling. I get that. I even get that it is kinda normal. And I love your responses. Love, Vicki, Polly, Esther