OCD

I have finally found my inner OCD. It isn't often that I get to see it, but it hit a few days back. We're trying to get ready for a garage sale, so going thru each closet, each room, each hiding place is mandatory. We had to make room in the garage so we could bring up all the stuff from the storage room. It sure will be nice to move around in there again. So today, while stretching my back/hip and not sitting down (since that is the primary culprit) I cleaned the kids bathroom closet and the drawers in the vanity. Um, gross. Then the hall closet which is the medicine/personal care product closet. Now there is a whole empty shelf! Then the front hall closet. All I want to know is where it all comes from? We have so much we can have a HUGE garage sale. It's a bit disturbing, really. But it is what it is. Time to get rid of some of the games and toys. Time to get rid of a set of dishes and many other kitchen items (again with the empty shelves). We want to get a couple futons for the basement with the garage sale $$ so kids can hang and stay over night more comfortably. We have a great treadmill if anyone is looking....

One of my physical therapists is from Germany and she is awesome. I've learned the Germany is mostly a Catholic and Lutheran culture with a few 'free' churches as she called them. She just went home for a long weekend for a first communion. We were talking about the differences in the cultures, something that has always interested me. The free thinking they have about the human body and how we just don't. She was saying that they spent most of their schooling in their underwear because they are trying to feel muscles and such. It was difficult for her to learn to feel thru clothing. Interesting how we as a culture make everything sexual, and they walk around naked and it is not a sexual 'experience' at all. She's an awesome PT for sure and funny.

Yesterday on my way home from a funeral home I passed a Lutheran church and its sign said 'Worship God not religion". Yep, that is what it is about alright.

One other patient I've gotten to know a bit since our PT times coincide, mentioned that I looked a bit off on Tuesday. I tried to remember Tues. and remembered that Monday was the evening when I accidently took Austin's Amoxicillan, and I am allergic to it. So I was for sure tired, and had been up a lot that night with my hip pain. But as I continued on with my routine I remembered that Tuesday was the day after Memorial Day, and one year ago on that day is when I had the results of my CT scan and found out that I had some sort of cancer. So I told her about that. We had already talked about cancer. Her son was diagnosed with a rare cancer when he was 3!! He is 16 now. So we've had that bonding time. I thought it a bit profound that someone I hardly knew picked up on some signal I didn't even know I was carrying. Guess it was bothering me more than I knew. It isn't really, but it must be, some where deep down.

I know this was a bit, um, disjointed. Chalk it up to my own personal ADD.

A year ago. But now I am here, feeling great, and, ironically, waiting for the results of my CT scan from Wednesday. I am almost laughing.

So there it is again, Waiting for Tuesday. I think that is the title of the book I haven't decided to write.

Love,

Vicki, sitting in the palm of God's hand with my Polly.

Comparison

May 2008:

Pain, cold, CT scan, finding out I have cancer, scheduling surgery, CA 125 of 276, fear, anxiety, secrecy, kids, tunnel getting smaller, twisting, turning, motion sickness: somebody stop this ride. Baseball meant I was going because I might not get to again. Getting to those games for the boys was accomplishing memories. Getting to Abbi's track meets meant pictures of my girl running. Memory building. That was what last May was about. Preparing for the 'just in case' phase of cancer and it's rampage on its owner.

May 2009:

PT for hip/back issues, decent baseball weather, busy almost every moment of each day. Little anxiety, little pain (back), calmness, energy, desire, life. Amazing what a year can bring you thru. Now baseball means watching Austin whack it and get 4 doubles with his new bat. It means watching his friends hit home runs, talking with friends openly without secrecy, sometimes making some really funny, but bad jokes about cancer and chemo (some only a survivor can relate to). Chemo has taken it's tole. but it is minor. Loosing words and some memories, forgetting in a different way than usual, straight hair. Minor, minor, minor compared to going thru the treatments and uncertainty.

This year has brought new friendships, new outlooks, new everything, really. Even new glasses in a week or so. Sometimes I even forget there was an illness here. That is really how good I feel. Normal. Haven't I been asking for that? Well, I like it.

It is impossible really to compare the years. But thinking back to the emotions and the physical pain and fatigue of last year and knowing how I feel now is bizarre. I can't believe it's only been a year. I am so thankful God let it be done quickly, at least this round. Hopefully no more rounds will be needed. Hopefully He gave my ovarian cancer to KO and knocked it out in the first round.

I feel relief, gratitude, mercy and grace, blessed, alive, awakened, replenished, renewed, optimistic, happy, ready. Ready for a summer that will make up for missing last year. Although, considering, I really had a decent summer. Still played, still was outside, still saw friends, still had the kids in their 'stuff' but never could have done that without support. This year, I get to regain a bit of control- or ability to do what we want to do.

Regained my control of my ability to do.... Thank you Lord.

Love,

Vicki, Polly, and Ziva!

Gardens

What a gorgeous day today. Boy did I get to do some work today. Spray painted a swing (don't really like spray paint) picked up some branches from 2 of the 15 or so trees that need to come down, PT, and weeding. Finally get to weed the garden instead of myself. I am not so happy with the squirrels who really did not do a good job planting in an asthetically pleasing way! Why in the middle of the new perennials? Man. But I cannot wait to see the plants that I planted last year before my personal gardening began.... But the big garden by the barn- yikes. Need about 10 people to help with that one. Have about a million trees growing in it now....

I wonder what that means- trees in the middle of a flower garden. HMM. Have to mull that one over.

In the 10 years that I've been at MCC I have never had to leave the sanctuary during service because of being overly emotional. Yesterday really hit me hard. Listening to the song by Beth Sharrows grand daughter about her mothers love, respect and awe of Beth's love of God... I just lost it (thank you Jann) because I want my kids to want to sing that someday, too. Oh how I hope I am a good witness to them. Oh how I hope Jesus shines thru even the scary days. I don't think they even know that I write on here. I've never let them read it- just too much emotion I think for their little souls. Oh what a great song/poem, what a beautiful voice, what a legacy.

So maybe my garden is still being weeded and pruned! I should be used to that. We all should be really. It's an ongoing process no matter what is going on in life.

Maybe the trees are the BIG things in life that try to take over the sun that the garden needs.

Until next time.... Cut down the dead trees!

Year

I'm not supposed to write this late, but I just can't help it. A friend and I were talking about how much can happen in a year. She is the friend who had the boys stay over night the day of my surgery last summer- took them to baseball and all that. And baseball is what brought on this rush of- I'm not sure. Not really emotions but just a sense of awe I guess. Last year at this time I was saying no to my meetings because they were interfering with baseball and family. I wasn't really sure how much more family I was going to get, you know. None of us really knows, but my view was particularly cloudy at the time. I was walking to the games in so much pain- and stuck emotionally because I didn't really have 'the' answer yet. I remember hoping it wasn't really cancer, but I knew it was and I knew it wasn't going to be good. But hope is a good thing.

It was a year ago that I had the ultrasound- and in a few weeks, a year since the CT scan that revealed my worst fears. June 12 @ 4:00 is one year since surgery- July 18th one year since my first chemo. It's a strange place to be- a one year ago place. I missed the creeping flox in my neighbors yard. I keep having to say 'that must have been 2 years ago' because I wasn't really involved in summer activities last year. Very strange.

But I must say I like one year ago. I don't really have a fear of much any more- except zip lining! I can go, go, go again. I can sit and watch baseball without rating my pain. And hair is good. So much different being a girl with a curly hair personality stuck with a straight haired head! Hair is good.

Laughing is good. Enjoying whatever I want to is good. Even the scar is getting better. Physically and emotionally. I feel like I am not sure if I really went thru all that because I feel so good. I swam today, and actually have 'good' workout pain for a change. I've started PT for my hip and back and am excited for it to kick in and 'kick butt' (sciatic nerve joke).

I met a new friend at Lifetime today- Peggy. She works there. She's bald and wears a hat. I stopped to talk to her and introduce myself. Then I said I wanted to make sure I looked her in the eyes, since people tend to be afraid to do that sometimes. She has felt that same phenomenon. Bald is beautiful. Smiles are beautiful. Fundraisers are beautiful. Say hi to her when you are there, and look her in the eyes and smile.

Life is important. Love makes life bearable. Friends and family are love.

Hug your mom. One of those lingering, tear filled hugs only a mom can cause you to have.

This is going to be my last post that I send to you all. I'll still be writing- waiting for God to tell me what to do with all this information. I envision still writing at least once a week, so you'll have to sign on to the site to read them. I am glad they touched you. I am so honored that you let me into your lives and let me share the ugly and beautiful parts of this really crappy journey. I am realizing it's a life time journey, but it is less intense now- praises to God our healer and sustainer. I feel normal now- I feel so good. I know it shows. Thank you for sharing your computer time with me.

Without my family (including in laws and my family) and my friends and my church I don't know if I would have had such a faithful and God touched journey. You were His hands and feet, His words and encouragement. Thank you for obeying and for comforting His child and her family.

Vicki

PS- Polly is still here- she is zip lining in NC. She just can't stop jumping off......

KAPOW

Anyone else from church get beat up yesterday? It was a good beating, don't get me wrong. Kind of made me want to whine about whining.

Relationship- it's all about our relationship with Jesus. A foreign concept to some 'religions' who do set up those rules and regulations to make you a good (fill in the religion of choice). I dropped religion long ago. Repeating text that was memorized and regurgitated did nothing for my heart. Finding a Jesus who was real, who was mine, who is yours, was very real. It changed my heart, changed how I look at people, talk and react, live and breath. It definitely changed how I fight. I've been known to chase after a good fight- literally. But I've never actually been in a fist fight. The fights I sought usually revolved around a sister or friend who was being threatened or wronged. I have a strong sense of loyalty to my friends and sisters. Some of you have seen that, some haven't. It can be ugly at times, but only because of the deep love for these people. Add a husband and 3 children and you have an instant recipe for a strong defensive strategy. (Please do not mess with my kids!!)

I like to move forward, to be propelled forward. I've never had to lean in to God like I have this past year, that is for sure. I am very glad I had some practice, though, before cancer entered my life- and yours. Although I was, and at times still am, scared about the future, I never was mad at God or blamed Him for any of this. That is big I think. I've had enough experience leaning on Him in the smaller things (comparatively speaking) so I was able to lean in during the beast of burdens.

KAPOW! That video was amazing. Doesn't He care that I am perishing?( I don't mean I think I am dying, but we all will) Doesn't He see my storm? Doesn't He care enough to calm it for me, too? Maybe Jesus was just pretending to be asleep on that boat. Maybe it was a test- to see if the disciples knew Him at all. They didn't, until that day. I think Jesus was asleep because He was resting in the knowledge of knowing. Knowing that God is right in the middle, down in the hull of our boat in the storm. Personally I get so sea sick. Tends to be how I react at times, too. Make myself sick with worry, or fear, or longing, or confusion, or denial, or avoidance. When I do finally call out, Jesus always answers me. And that unexplainable peace, that peace that passes all understanding, is mine. It's inexplicable if you've never experienced it. I mean really, what's there to be peaceful about in any storm we have? But KNOWING that I am not in control, that God has my back, no matter how the storm ends, is reason for praise and peace.

I used to think the song "Lean on Me' was written from a people perspective. Maybe it was divinely inspired from Jesus' perspective.

"Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on. For, it won't be long, till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on."

Guess it is from a people perspective since Jesus doesn't need to lean on anyone for support. Thanks for being my support.

Andy said that Jesus is in our boat and if we would just lean in, take that first propelling step forward, God WILL rush in, and that is faith in action.

I John 4:18 says, There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

You cannot find perfect love anywhere here. People are just not perfect. Only Jesus can give that to us. Yet another free gift if we would only receive it.

So as I've been saying, love on.... in Jesus name.

Vicki (and I think Polly was here today)

Numbers

Number just rule life! Numbers make or break a day when you have been diagnosed with cancer, living with cancer. My number was good, CA 125 of 24. Love 24. Hate being a slave to the number. Yet without that number we wouldn't know what was going on inside me. It's a love/hate relationship.

I am so excited to have a spring and summer. We missed it last year. I can't remember what the kids did because I wasn't really a part of any of the activities- some, yes, but not like usual. Strange loosing a whole season of memories. I am ready to start pricing the mulch and get the gardens looking pretty. Good thing I mostly do just perennials. But oh man, the weeds left over from last year.

Time to pull all those weeds, the ones in the garden, the ones that still control me at times. Weed of fear, I am pulling you and throwing you away, in my pile to God. Weed of anxious waiting, be gone. Weed of doubt, head on to the pile. Weed of recurrance worry, ZAP. Weed of time stealing, stop and face my Jesus. Thank you Lord for being my gardener. Please add mulch and beautify my soul.

Yep, time to garden.

Vicki

Please pray for my friend whose numbers are acting up. Thanks.

Running

Coming back from this vacation is so bitter sweet. It was our first vacation since cancer entered our lives. Tim had to use his summer vacation last year for my surgery/chemo treatments. It was about a year ago that my tummy pains became unbearable. As I was outside today raking out the gardens I realized that at this time last year I couldn't do that. I don't think I realized how much pain I was having. But fast forward to today, and I feel like I can relate to so much more in life.

Take running away for example. Being gone for 10 days from responsibility of the home is so great!! Just going and doing what we wanted- road trips- family and friends. I get running away. I rarely thought about cancer while gone, or recurrance, or anything else pertaining to cancer. It was great. But on that long car ride home I remembered- treatment on Tuesday, back to reality.

I know that my hair is getting longer and it is difficult to tell, if you don't know me, whether I am healing or just have short hair, right? But this is what happened while zip lining. The owner was relating a story about a grandma who wanted to make a lasting memory for her grandchildren because she was dying of cancer. He went on to tell us about how much fun they all had. Austin just looked at me with that smirk and said, 'but not you mom'. (yeah, cry here) I just said, nope, not me. We've conquered cancer and now we will conquer zip lines. How do you make light of such a comment. It isn't light at all. How I wish I could be inside their heads so I knew what they were really thinking. In this politically correct world, maybe we could come up with a way to say things differently about the things that are truly important- like life. Living with cancer- not dying. Good grief people.

So we ran some more, to Great Wolf Lodge in NC and had a blast. No time for anything but fun. Then ran to DC for a couple days. At least until the vortex swallowed us. We can't seem to go on a vacation without having car issues. So, on the way to DC the truck window got stuck down. Why, you may ask, was the window down. Well, that is because we were waving to my sister and her family from our truck, on the freeway, going 70 miles an hour. We did this a couple times, even took pictures. But the best part was the semi truck driver who joined in, honking his loud semi horn, waving and acting silly just like us. It was hysterical! Of course we got his picture, too. Anyway, 4 hours late, we arrived in DC.

Speaking of DC- have you ever stayed at a 4 star hotel?? I haven't, but we got in one for so cheap from Priceline.com. So we get there at 10:30, looking like you do after a 6 hour trip, made 4 hours longer because of the car detour. Got the picture. So we're trying to unload and the bell hops won't let us touch our own bags, load them on the carts and all that. Very nice, but when it's pouring rain, really, just let us get our stuff. Too much pressure to do it in front of the bell hop. Then they take it up to your room and bring it in the room. Too much for this do it yourself gal!! Still, nice. The hotel was so beautiful. We looked like a bunch of country bumkins in the big city!! On Thursday we walked the city- 5.25 miles that day. Stayed mostly in the area of the monuments and the reflection pool. Didn't get to see any tea partied, though.

What a great vacation/run away. I like the feeling of not having to think about anything except having fun. All good runs must come to an end though. I am thankful for the chance to run, for feeling so great, for being able to keep up with the 'normal' people.

I did get a chance to run to God, too. Got one week done in my bible study that I am so far behind in. And I saw him so often- in having a place to get the car fixed, in the children mostly making it thru DC and walking, in keeping the kids healthy, in meeting my sisters friends, in meeting up with Shelly, but wanting Beth to be there too. I just love how God is there in the middle of it all. No blow ups, no major issues, just some fun.

Let the running stop. Let the way of living begin- If I ran forever I would never have the time to stop and reflect- to stop and see the good in life, even the good in sickness. So, back to walking the walk, with you and Jesus by my side.

Vicki