Comparison

May 2008:

Pain, cold, CT scan, finding out I have cancer, scheduling surgery, CA 125 of 276, fear, anxiety, secrecy, kids, tunnel getting smaller, twisting, turning, motion sickness: somebody stop this ride. Baseball meant I was going because I might not get to again. Getting to those games for the boys was accomplishing memories. Getting to Abbi's track meets meant pictures of my girl running. Memory building. That was what last May was about. Preparing for the 'just in case' phase of cancer and it's rampage on its owner.

May 2009:

PT for hip/back issues, decent baseball weather, busy almost every moment of each day. Little anxiety, little pain (back), calmness, energy, desire, life. Amazing what a year can bring you thru. Now baseball means watching Austin whack it and get 4 doubles with his new bat. It means watching his friends hit home runs, talking with friends openly without secrecy, sometimes making some really funny, but bad jokes about cancer and chemo (some only a survivor can relate to). Chemo has taken it's tole. but it is minor. Loosing words and some memories, forgetting in a different way than usual, straight hair. Minor, minor, minor compared to going thru the treatments and uncertainty.

This year has brought new friendships, new outlooks, new everything, really. Even new glasses in a week or so. Sometimes I even forget there was an illness here. That is really how good I feel. Normal. Haven't I been asking for that? Well, I like it.

It is impossible really to compare the years. But thinking back to the emotions and the physical pain and fatigue of last year and knowing how I feel now is bizarre. I can't believe it's only been a year. I am so thankful God let it be done quickly, at least this round. Hopefully no more rounds will be needed. Hopefully He gave my ovarian cancer to KO and knocked it out in the first round.

I feel relief, gratitude, mercy and grace, blessed, alive, awakened, replenished, renewed, optimistic, happy, ready. Ready for a summer that will make up for missing last year. Although, considering, I really had a decent summer. Still played, still was outside, still saw friends, still had the kids in their 'stuff' but never could have done that without support. This year, I get to regain a bit of control- or ability to do what we want to do.

Regained my control of my ability to do.... Thank you Lord.

Love,

Vicki, Polly, and Ziva!