May 10 and 11

On Saturday, May 11th I received a gift from my bff in Columbus, more commonly known as My Beth.  She sent me a devotional titled Jesus Calling.  I am never really sure about devotionals for some reason.  But I opened it up to the 11th and I read it.

Just after I read it, another bff, commonly known as My Teri, called to tell me she had gotten the book as well from Beth.  She said she read the 10th and 11th and was amazed.  She went on to tell a whole story about the book, but I don't want to spoil her blogging...... And I am pretty sure another bff, commonly known as My Shelly, got a book too....

So of course I went back and read the 10th as well.  Very powerful stuff.

Then I checked my email and had gotten a forward- also something I rarely read- but I trust this person so I read it.  And I am not kidding when I tell you it was May 10th and 11th from the devotional Jesus Calling.  NOT KIDDING!

So what is so awesome about May 10th and 11th?

May 10 "Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life.  These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth.  Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them.  View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me.  When you start to feel stressed, let those feelings alert you to your need for Me.  Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependance on Me and increasing intimacy between us.  Although self-sufficiency is acclaimed in the world, reliance on Me produces abundant living in My kingdom.  Thank me for the difficulties in your life, since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance." John 15:5 ~ “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing." 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 ~ "...We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it.  In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead." Ephesians 5:20 ~ "...always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." ************** May 11 "Thank Me for your problems.  As soon as your mind gets snagged on a difficulty, bring it to Me with Thanksgiving. Then as Me to show you how to handle the situation.  The very act of thanking Me releases your mind from its negative focus.  As your turn your attention to Me, the problem fades in significance and and loses its power to trip you up.  Together we can deal with the situation, either facing it head-on or putting it aside for later consideration.  Most situations that entangle your mind are not today's concerns; you have borrowed them from tomorrow.  In this case, I lift the problem out of today and deposit it in the future, where it is veiled from your eyes.  In its place I give you My Peace, which flows freely from My Presence. Philippians 4:6 ~ "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."  John 14:27 ~ "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

I just don't think I need to say anymore.  After my recent posts and conversations and now devotionals, I am heading down the highway of Peace.  Somehow, someway it does seem ok.  And for today, I am good.  I had a productive day, albeit one that included the gathering of supplies for chemo.  I just THREW each chemo related item into the crate.  Kinda funny.  Oral rinse- wham; miralax- wham; tummy tea- wham; ginger root capsules- wham; comfy clothes- well no wham there.  I like comfy.....

If God is willing to give me Peace I think I should be willing to accept it.  Accepting gifts- not a specialty of mine.... But thankfully grace can cover even that.  And chemo is Thursday, not today, not tomorrow and not Wednesday.  It is in the future and I'm going to try, via prayer and constant giving of my trepidations back to God.  Cancer isn't my problem, it's just the route they take to surface....

Oh, so many more blogs to write.....

Vicki

Floods

A rainy week, both in my heart and in the weather.  My heart had a thunderstorm on Tuesday when I found out that I was going to have to get a port.  I did actually get to make the decision, so it was nice for me to have a moment of control.  The decision was easy tho.  Either I do it peripherally over 16 hours in the outpatient center of the hospital, with no nurses always in my view, with no one who knows me, or I could get the port and be where I am comfortable, know the nurses and they know me.  Where I know how to reach out to others.  Where I know my friends and family are accepted as well.  They expect a party when I come.  So, as happy as I was to not have a port, the only positive was not having a port.  All else fell under the 'con' category.  So I am ok with it.  Truly.

I called my friend who works at Troy Beaumont radiology and she got me all hooked up and tomorrow at 10 is when I get my new appendage.  However I learned that this one might be more friendly, with no bumps and sits under my skin more.  That takes away some of the dread.

So it was a bit stormy on Tuesday for me.  Then yesterday there were 2 baseball games, one for each boy.  Austin at 4, which they won! And Jay at 6:30.  You remember yesterday right- all nice and beautiful until baseball is about to start!  That just is how it goes with this sport I swear.  So I spent some time watching from the car, being I'm allergic to rain and all.  In the last innings of the game we noticed a rainbow.  Very pretty.  The game continued and at the end the brightest rainbow I had seen in a while was in the sky.

The great promise, to never flood the earth again.  I wonder if that could extend to our hearts and lives.  What do you think?  A promise to never destroy us by flooding us with too much.  A promise to always extend the grace and mercy needed each day to handle the big and small things.  A promise to never leave us even when it feels like He's nowhere to be seen.  My friends, I think it might be true. I mean we are part of the earth after all.  He has many verses telling us not to be anxious, that he's got us lifted up and protected by his righteous right hand.  I think we are safe from the floods of life too.  We just have to recognize them, offer them to God to handle, and then let Him.  No easy task, I am well aware.  And not a task that is instant either.  That's ok.  Processing is ok and necessary.  Staying in the darkness is not productive or Godly.

That bright rainbow made my heart feel a little lighter.  I want it to make you feel lighter too, if you are feeling heavy because of my recurrence of cancer.  Certainly it sucks.  Certainly you can be mad for a day or so... but then hold on to the promise that my heart can not be flooded to the point of despair.  He's promised he'd never flood the earth again.  It's a stretch, but I can see the connection.  Can you?  What do you think about it?  Tell me.  Comment please.

Rainbows, hope, grace, mercy and peace.

Be filled with peace today friends.

Vicki

Mission Impossible

I sometimes wonder how all these smarts can stay inside one head.  I know a lot; like the thingy I bought for my spices won't fit in that cupboard; and I know I love 80's music; and I know I hate to dust as does my piano.  But I also know that I don't have a clue about what my mission is supposed to be.  I thought I did- and then the walls came a tumblin' down-again.

The question is... why are there walls?  When did those go up and who the heck built them?  Shame on you!  Now a wall in my store room so I can have a real office for the scanning business, that is necessary. The walls around me, keeping things in, keeping things out, not so much a necessity.  Things include you, me, God, peace, faith, and hope.  There I said it. How did those walls get there?  Did they just get thicker with each difficult life event?  Maybe I've never let Him crush them completely.  I don't think that one is the answer.  But I did do some digging...

James 5:14-16:  Is any of you sick?  He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord.  And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up.  If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Check.  We did that on Sunday and it was uplifting and wonderful.  I so wish I would have remembered to turn on the voice recorder on my phone so I could replay it. But I do remember the oil being put on my forehead in 3 distinct rows, each with its own Jesus name.  I remember people asking for healing, for courage and trust.  But mostly I remember feeling loved for and grieved over and accepted.  I remember my sisters hand with her boyfriends on my knee, Shelly's hand holding minenby my side both of our thumbs stroking the others hand, and Tim's hand grasping mine tightly.  Teri's hand was on my leg, and then many hands whose owners I don't know on my shoulders and back.  People in the seats praying earnestly in an uncomfortable environment.  My parents and Tim's Dad came.  Thank you all so much.

So the prayers of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Is 57:19:"...Peace, peace, to those far and near," says the Lord.  "And I will heal them."

Is 32:17:  The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever. 

John 14:27:  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Luke 7:50; ..."Your faith has saved you; go in peace." 

Big fat FAIL for me. Righteousness brings peace.  Peace brings faith.  And faith leads to hope, love, forgiveness....

We are given the peace of Jesus.  I cannot wrap my head around that but I am going to try.  Even moreso I cannot wrap my head around righteousness.  Here's the definition

righteous living: good, virtuous, upright, upstanding, decent; ethical,principled, moral, high-minded, law-abiding, honest, honorable,blameless, irreproachable, noble; saintly, angelic, pure. ANTONYMS sinful.

It looks to me like righteousness needs to come first. The opposite of sinful.  Wow I'm rolling all this around in my head- and I don't think it'd be helpful to share that.

I get this tho: righteousness leads to peace which leads to faith which leads to healing. I know something else too. I will be healed.  It is not God's will for me to suffer, to have cancer 3 times and all the effects of the medicines to try to defeat it.  But God did not give me cancer.  So if anyone is mad at God you probably should stop that.  Why hasn't he healed me miraculously and completely?  I don't know.  There is an answer somewhere, in someone, for someone, but we may never know what that answer is.  So I'm going to work on the righteousness part of the character of God, and then peace will follow.

A little something from a little book:

Is 32:2  "And a man shall be as...the shadow of a great rock in a weary land."

Journeying one night in the wilderness of central Africa in a section plagued by many ravenous beasts, we found no place of safety till we came to the shadow of a great rock, where we sat down with our backs to the rocks and, building at our feet a great fire, found rest and refreshing for the next day's still weary journey.  O weary child, when your strength fails and you cannot go any further, sit down and lean back in the shadow of your Lord, upon Him.  Build there in prayer the fire of faith and find rest and refreshment for your onward march.

Onward righteous, faithful, peaceful friends.  Lets build a huge fire pit and warm our souls.  I can feel it starting.  Mission Possible.....

It's a Good Day to Have a Bad Day

This won't be very long today, but yesterday was a bad day. 2 weeks ago I had my 6 month PT scan which came back as perfect, showing no cancer in me. That next Monday I found out that my CA 125 was elevated and the CA 125 is more sensitive to the cancer cells. A week later I had another blood test to confirm it was elevated, and that is what I found out yesterday.

It sounds as if I will be getting 1-3 chemo treatments but I do not know when they will start. My Dr. does not want to let the microscopic disease to go untreated, and truth be told neither do I. A reminder that ovarian cancer is it's own beast. Microscopic for ovarian is not the same as for some other cancers. It's still a big deal. There isn't a pill I can take. There isn't a wait and see policy because of its aggressive nature. And we know mine really wants to get me since it's trying again- so it's aggressive. I encourage you to go online and learn a little about OC. Mayo Clinic is my favorite spot.

How am I? Well, quite frankly I'm angry. I feel good. I look good. I'm taking care of me. But I cannot believe that another baseball and track season are going to be ruined because of this AGAIN!! At least it's not to the date this time. Another 6 month check failed. Another time curly hair has proven to mean there is cancer in me.

I will probably be going to a different chemo place so that I won't have to get another port put in. That is really good news for me. I hate those ports. Chris said that just these few treatments should not bother my veins and make them collapse. So probably Henry Ford Macomb is where I will go.

How is my family? I just don't know. I let them know it isn't a life or death moment but probably a way to control the cancer for the rest of my life barring God's miracle for me.

And that's what I ask you to pray for. I want to be a living miracle- even before the chemo starts and they take my blood work again... Let the number be in normal range and the cancer cells vanquished from me.

Here's to believing third time's a charm.....

Vicki

Pieces part 3

Now how about those control issues.....

Such a battle with this firstborn Aries.  I just want some little things to be right is all.  What is the problem with that, really.  I'm not hurting anyone, in fact it would help.  I only want 8 kids from Chile.  Whats the problem.  Wanna know what it is.... I probably wouldn't be able to adopt because of my previous battles with cancer.  Not exactly a non chaotic atmosphere.  Not exactly normal.  And that is not ok with me.  I haven't really looked into it because I don't even want to know if my suspicions are true.

Control.  Just a little please.  I haven't felt in control of much for many years.  I've never had to give God so many things at one time, over and over.  And sometimes I just get tired of repeatedly giving that control to Him.  Sometimes it feels like He's off his rocker, slipped and bumped his royal head.  Just one spring- just one baseball season- just one track season....

I know I'm the one off her rocker.  No guarantees about the life we get to live.  The only guarantee is that it will be eternal if we choose to believe.  And I believe.  That isn't an issue.

I want to control my kids choices.  But I am learning, daily, that I can't.  I just have to trust that our example and their upbringing will stay with them keeping them on the right track and living for God and His kingdom, not their own teenage kingdom.  Wow, that is one big kingdom those teens have.  Whew.  I just want my sisters to be happy, healthy and not hurting.  I want my nephews' autism to go away.  I want my nieces peanut allergy to go away.  I want asthma to go away for all children.  I want Austin's Celiac to go away, and Abbi's ADHD to go away.  I want Jayson diagnosed- hahaha.  I want to have a piece of this life to form and make into what I want it to be.  I guess that piece is the kitchen counter.  Although, looking at all the stuff on it right now, I'd say that is out of control too.

I want my friends pain, their roller coaster rides, their health and their marriages to be healed.  I want my super curly hair back.  And I want to be healthy.  Mostly I want others to be healthy, loved, wanted, needed, and healed.

This week lack of control came in with a mad rush- kind of like Niagara Falls.  My friends- well they sorta kidnapped me so we could do something that allowed us to loose control completely. We went and broke dishes: bowls, salad plates, dinner plates; into pieces.  Each piece probably has a name on it.  Between the 3 of us control is an issue. But we lost it.  For 20 minutes we took turns smashing whatever we had in our hands.  Jumping up before throwing them down seems to make the plates break into more pieces.  Some had to be rebroken because their pieces were just too darn big still.  There we stood, looking at all that lack of control.  Then we swept it up, but it back into the container and back home it went.

The significance to my life is a bit overwhelming.  And who is affected by my life, who loves me, who cares for me leaves lumps in my throat and a smile in my heart.  I cannot believe how I am loved.  I cannot understand why I am so loved.  I am so many of those plates and bowls shattered on the ground, and you guys are always sweeping me up.  Thankfully our Father helps me to identify the many shattered pieces, sometimes slowly, sometimes painfully, but always faithfully.  Then, back together I go-some pieces chipped and worn, giving compassion and sensitivity.  Some completely whole, giving me confidence and a faith that is unbreakable.  Some pieces are missing, and are filled with something new, like a heart for children in Chile, or a heart for people who suffer from cancer, or a heart for renewing love.  Each time He puts me back together he does something special in me.  Each and every time.  Although I may never understand the purpose, or the means- I do understand the beauty and the strength that could only come from Jesus putting the pieces back where they belong- even if they only belong there for a short period. (Meaning a changing heart)

So go ahead and loose control.  It's a lot easier that trying to keep it.

I love you.  Thank you for praying.  Please don't stop.

Vicki

Pieces part 2

I think I might try to tackle Love:

Love, while in Chile, really stretched me.  I had to learn to bite my tongue, find a trusted person for venting, and then not stay in that venting mode-because we all know where that can lead.  I tried desperately to love in one particular area, but I couldn't.  It was the most horrible feeling to not be able to get control of that.  Thats usually when I get a bit quiet and just watch.  Watching for reasons or answers or moments that will help me to understand and process.  I did finally get to a spot where I could approach the issue with love and confidence and a sincere heart, and it was good.

Sometimes God makes me wait tho, to find those moments.  He's blessed me with a discernment that I sometimes enjoy, and sometimes don't.  I didn't love it this time.  But he still brought me thru it.  And while I still don't have a completely settled heart and I think there is more to it, I feel that if I needed to I could address it personally, not thru others.  I know that's vague, but that's just the way it is.

Love is a challenge at times.  I was challenged by a friend about my seemingly unloving spirit.  Something they could see in my face (go figure).  I was a bit shocked, but thankful they talked to me.  And I did agree with some of what they said.  But some I don't.  Sometimes, when I am shocked, or confused, or just plain hurt and angry, I look for someone who knows me, and I look at their eyes so they can see into mine, hopefully leading them into my heart.  I don't usually react for all to see-because I wouldn't want to hurt any person, even if I am mad.  When I find that persons eyes I dump my thoughts there, and if they know me they can read it pretty well.  And they did read it well.  I think however they didn't quite understand how I process.  While I was not happy, I was filtering thru the reasons- about me and about the situation.  What lined up?  What could I affect positively?  How do I connect and respond lovingly.  I just needed a safe person to see.  I am hoping in that process they learned a bit more about me.  I do try to find a way to connect and love, and I did.  But that doesn't mean that the issues I was seeing aren't real, or wrong, or don't need to be dealt with.  While I feel I was successful in a couple areas, there are still a few more really important things that need a love filled person to help find the answers- and a path shown to all parties by God.

I don't hate.  My eyes may say I'm really pissed off, but my eyes are just trying to find a place to safely dump that ugly stuff. Then I take time- sometimes it's painfully long for those waiting for me to process- but that's who I am.  But after I get some processing done, I spring into action.  And while not everything was solved, that's ok.  At least it was started, and others will lovingly continue.

I do have to retreat to process.  Mostly because if I don't, I won't hear Christ and I won't be able to move from my spot of shock, pain, anger, whatever.  And life presents me with many opportunities to process.

Love broke my heart into pieces that trip.  Saying goodbye to those children.  Saying goodbye to new friends.  Saying goodbye to so many things left undone.  Saying goodbye to the missionaries.  It was hard.  Watching the tears of our teens made my heart swell with love, while breaking it at the same time.  Compassion can be a bit all encompassing for me.  I loved those little children.  We all did and we all wanted to bring at least one home.  And maybe that is the path God wants for me.  I have the love, and so do my kids.  Wow, can they love.  When Nallely had to be taken from me, my heart was just screaming, the tears streaming, almost to the point of inconsolable.  Watching them run down the street to wave to us on the bus, one last time... Oh the love.

What's awesome tho, is that they got to feel all that love too.  Those children, who maybe haven't been loved at all, got to see it in action, feel it physically, and know it as real.  Hopefully that will stay with them.  That they are worthy of love.  That they should find love.  And that they should keep Jesus with them so they always feel love.

So, if I lock eyes on you, it means I have great respect and trust in you to let me dump and not judge the ugly moment of my heart.  We all have them.  Sometimes I'll process out loud with you.  I just need to say/hear it-and I'm not afraid to show that ugly side because we all have them.  Sometimes I just need your help seeing clearly or at least clearer.  Sometimes your perspective leads me to His truth.  And sometimes I need to know that I am out of line.  Introspection is good.  And believe it or not, I need it way more often than not.

Love: it always conquers all.

Vicki

Pieces

As I said on my latest FB status, I now understand what "Break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I have for your kingdoms cause" means.  While my heart has been broken so much, especially in recent years, this mission trip to Chile broke it into pieces.  And guess who gets to come with me while God and I pick them up and put me back together?  YOU!  So lucky.....

Some of the pieces I've identified are:

Nallely, one of the eight children at the home.
Constanza, Cony, Haviara, Carla, Jorshua, Juan, Alberto
Mission
Control
Piles
Poverty
Parenting
Love

I thought I did a good job of not having expectations about the mission trip, but now am not as sure.  Our trip was kind of backward from other mission trips that I have heard about.  Our first day there was spent unpacking, making room for us to sleep, changing the sleeping arrangements, shopping at various local places including the grocery store, the farrier (fruits and veggies) and the fish store.  We split into groups and all went to something.  I went to the grocery store to see what they had that was gluten free.  Pasta was about it.  Good thing I packed food for that big boy of mine.

We got to meet some of the kids that day as well.

But as the trip continued, Nallely grabbed hold of my heart.
And never let go.
And neither did I.
And neither will I.

Each child found a person or family that they favored.  It was quite extraordinary.  Many of them, however, easily loved each of us.  Nallely was like that.  She just loved who she was with and could easily change from person to person.
Carla stole the Sommer's heart, Scott in particular.
Consantza stole Danielle's.
Haviara stole many of the teens hearts, Austin and Rachel's to name a couple.
Jorshua stole Camerons and Will's heart.
Juan stole Jaclyn and Will's heart.
Alberto stole Pati's heart- altho they all stole Pati's heart.
Cony, she is not quite ready to give or receive hearts, but she tried, and we love her and we know she loved us.

So when we show up with new children you will know where they came from......

We all wanted to take them all home.

Broken American hearts blending with broken Chilean hearts for such a time as this.....

But this is only the beginning of that piece of my broken heart.  Nallely: To be continued....

Nallely and her 'family', mom and dad, Cindy and Israel, her real brother Jorshua, Haviara and Constanza