Rest with me

I have never been a big "oh my goodness I love that devotional" girl.  They just don't seem to have enough depth or they don't connect with me.  But this one is hitting me EVERYDAY.  Jesus Calling.  Yes, the new fad Christian gotta have it book.  Well let me tell you, you gotta have it.
For June 27th it said:

 Rest with me a while.  You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days.  The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty.  Look neither behind you nor before you.  Instead, focus your attention on Me, your constant Companion.  Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.

I designed time to be a PROTECTION for you. You couldn't bear to see all your life at once. Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you.  Refresh yourself in My company, breathing deep draughts of My Presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. I am with you, watching over you wherever you go.

Ps 143:8  Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.  Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

Genesis 28:15  I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land.  I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

I have my Bible Promises book right in front of my and there are a lot of promises in that bible we live by and love.  I think it comes down to this: we are promised to be given, as a gift, eternal life.  In return we are to believe, be baptized and live a life worthy of Christ.  Nothing about being healthy.  Nothing about never having a heavy burden.  Nothing about perfect children, family, spouses.  Really we are promised troubles.  Our hope is in Christ and his healing love for us.  He will decide how to heal: instantly and miraculously, thru a journey of pain and suffering, or thru bringing us to Him where we are whole once again.

On this journey of mine, one full of downs.... just downs.  Nothing easy, nothing healed, nothing fixed.  My heart feels so low at times.  But I am not fearful really, I am unwilling to be ok with having more chemo, more cancer.  It confuses me a bit.  This time has been very difficult emotionally.  Not by stealing my hope but by adding cynicism and a critical spirit.  It's mostly in my head. not shared out loud.  I don't want to be labeled hypocritical- but I am hanging on by a string to the hope of being cured or healed.

A string is a string, and it's stronger than a thread.  And my string is getting thicker with the news today that my CA 125 is 35 and I won't have to have my chemo that was scheduled for Monday.  I have had such a bad attitude about this 3rd treatment-so unlike me.  It zaps me of everything I have- energy, humor, rest, enthusiasm, and sometimes will to try.  Being Zapped is more that hard for me.  I am finally feeling like myself.  Gutting the storeroom so that I can have half for an office for my business.  I am geared up and ready to go!  I am so thrilled that I do not have to get zapped again.  I can complete the project.  Even if I only get a 2 week reprieve I will be happy.  Actually I lie..... I won't be happy to have more chemo.  That's impossible.  But I do think my attitude will be better.

On Sunday we sang 'You never let go' and I heard it differently that day.  I know he has me in the palm of his righteous right hand.  He never lets go.  He never lets go.  So how do we get to despair and hopelessness?  Because we let go.  We let go of His hand, his promises, his hope, his joy.  All these gifts he has given to us.  We get too wrapped up in the human aspect, the human feelings about our steep rugged path.  Paths so different from each other.  Heart problems, anxiety, finances, children, surgery, pain, illness, allergies.  There are many bad paths.  When we start to compare them we do an injustice to the person we are comparing ourselves to.  If you tell me "ah man but that is nothing like what you have to go thru".  I usually say you cannot compare.  Hard is hard.  Don't diminish yours and don't magnify mine.  Hard is hard.

I am taking that statement of time to heart.  I have a gift of time right now.  It may be weeks or months. It may be forever.  But mostly I've learned that I cannot let go of his righteous right hand.  Why on earth would I do that?

So here's to some time, and to a string that is getting stronger while it learns to keep holding on.

Much love,

Vicki