Feeling

That was the longest 4 days of feeling totally exhausted and yucky ever.  Stuck on a couch, watching TV (which I really do like to do), and fall into and out of sleep.  But, I didn't like them.  Weakness, indecision, inability to do, just total sloth material.  Not so much a part of who I am and how I operate is it?

I was reading and came across this phrase 'cease striving'.  Interesting isn't it.  Just take a second and think about it.  What do we strive for?  Others.  OTHERS!  We strive to be better parents, spouses, leaders, employees, volunteers, kids, gardeners, cooks...... We have issues- or at least I do.

I've spent so much of my journey striving to make sure people knew what was going on with me, what my journey was, and bringing them along with me if they so choose.  I believe very strongly that God compelled me to do this thru my writing, or my talking, or my being present and fighting thru cancer, even for the 3rd time.  And I don't feel relieved of this task.  I feel I have an additional task to perform.

Cease striving..... Just really got me thinking.  Am I striving to be closer with you or with God?  I mean I know what I want the answer to be.... but that isn't always what it is.  Sometimes the writing I post is all God- I don't even remember writing some completely.  But not always (like the previous one).  It's so much easier to talk to you because you talk directly back to me.  I don't get those got 'back talks' from God.  I am working on it tho.

The reading continues to explain that  God wants to spend time with us, often more time than we want to spend with him.  He still speaks to those who will listen to him.  And I'll be so brutal right now- I don't know if I am able to listen because my mind never seems clear.  It is so hard to take time and be still and listen.  And I am not sure I want to hear the answer. I don't want to hear you'll be ok, no matter what.  All that means is even if I were to loose this battle, I still win when I get to Heaven.  And I understand that.  I am just not in such a hurry to get there.  I want to hear you're going to be ok and have another 40 years here to enjoy your grandchildren and family.  But do I want to be here in constant suffering. Um that answer is no in case you didn't know.

So I cease striving to make this all about 'our' journey and more about my journey with God and wrestling with him over cancer, over earthly life and over health and fear and death and faith and whatever else comes to mind.  At least I'm not afraid to wrestle with him.  Did you know you can ask questions and wrestle with God.  It's actually allowed.

And so I will practice listening to God.  That takes time which means I will have to figure out how to take the time to concentrate and hear him.  I really do not know how to stop and take time.  I just don't. I think I have my 'place' to go and listen but now I need the ears and the heart to hear.

So here's to learning to change.  And continuing to strive to hear God's still small voice thru the bullfrogs and the crickets and the bats..... That's where I'm going to find it.  I just know it.

Love to all.  Feeling better so I am refusing to do too much.  So HARD but so necessary!  One reason I was so tired is my WBC count was low, one portion in particular, and rest is really all you can do for it.  So hopefully I rested it away for a bit, can do a few things, then continue to rest each day.  With school being out it does make it so much easier.

Love,
Vicki