For those of you who can't see me, or who don't know what is going on with me, I must tell you..... altho I am fighting again, I have hair! And my hair is CURLY!!! It has been years since I've had this much hair, and even longer since it's been curly. It's been just like riding a bike, I know exactly how to care for it.
My fear of the curls has gone. I used to equate the curls with recurrence. That may seem so completely crazy to you but let me explain. Every single time I have had a recurrence, my hair was just starting to get curly. EVERY time. But this recurrence was different. I barely had hair, and it was straight. As I've fought this battle with the awesome Avastin as my medicinal miracle, my hair has gotten curlier and curlier. I feel like ME! Because everything about me is curly. My forgetfulness, my free spirit, my hyperness, my hobbies, my sass- just everything. I am a curly girl, in hair and in mind and spirit. Hard to follow isn't it.....
This year I get to watch my sons play baseball. I've been doing that for so many years, but for almost 5 years I have been a bald baseball mom. A fighting for her life baseball mom. A "gee son I have to miss this game" baseball mom. A baseball game lets me escape from the reality of cancer, escape from fighting. I get to yell, talk, laugh and pick on the boys. I get to fight for them instead. And the families involved are so helpful with that. They just talk to me as if everything in life is ok. Oh how I love that. (Not to be misunderstood- I am always willing to talk about my cancer journey).
This year my hair will actually get messy from the rain and wind. My hoodies will smoosh my curls.... The humidity will grow my curls...... And the smile on my face while it all happens is going to feel awesome.
Avastin seems to be working. We have 17 points more to lower until we are 'normal' but lower is awesome. Baseball starts on Thursday. Any way it is sliced, I get to have hair for baseball season. Even if bad things happen....
Ovarian cancer has proven itself to be a strong beast. My body is responding well, and the recurrences are not unexpected. No answers will ever be had. That's ok. I've learned to live without knowing, without answers. I don't really think I want to know the answers.
This year I get to watch baseball with hair.
At this moment, that is my win.
So there cancer, take that. I don't care what you have planned for me. I am content with today. Not because of curls, but because the fear is not as oppressive.
Out loud I say, Satan you do not have power over me. You do not know what I think. You are not omniscient, you are not powerful. I have Jesus, I have people praying, and you have no power over me. You cannot keep me in the state of fear.
So cancer, take that. Right now you are not in complete control. I hate you. My family and friends hate you. But I don't think you will own this girl again.
The journey lately has been rediscovering my hope, my trust in the Lord. It's been tested to it's core this past year. I really just had no faith in healing. I'm not sure I do now, but I have hope that it's maybe possible. It's more scary to realize my faith is failing than my health. Don't misunderstand, not my belief.... I believe every word in the bible, everything my own life has witnessed, every move I know that has been God breathed.
Rediscovering hope. That's the next movement for me to take. Faith in hope.
Spring, baseball, hair, curls, Avastin...... all bring me hope. While I may be fighting the beast again, it's different this time. It's easier in some ways, not in others.
I guess I have curly faith too....
Now listen, after my last post, after the over reaction to it, I am hesitant to even write anymore. I did not say that I don't believe in God, and I did not say that I don't have faith. Do not, under any circumstances, judge my words based on what you think they mean. They mean what they say, and that is all. Allow me to wander thru my head and heart without assuming I am completely lost. I am not lost. I know who I am and I know whose I am. That is solid. What is not solid are my curly thoughts and fears, my moments of doubt. I don't want those solid!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Thursday, January 31, 2013
I've been staring at this blank page for about 10 minutes.
I went to the doctor on Tuesday with Tim and Dad. It was quite informative. I found out a bit more about that ugly blog than I needed to! Chris got a few phone calls about it. That was a bit shocking. I'm choosing to not be mad. But really, can't I just have terribly horrible reactions to terrible horrible news without freaking everyone out?
Something you should know: those feelings I had are the same feelings I have had several times. I was definitely more mad this time, but there was a wrench thrown at me. Sheesh. I'm not suicidal, and I'm not loosing my faith, and I'm not refusing treatment. I so hope that is not what you took from that. It really was sheer venting. It's serious venting I know. Hard to read and understand and know a friend is going thru that. I get it. But I should have thought that one thru (add it to the list) and not posted it.
Why the single agent Avastin makes me so happy is because of the possibility that it could work and I won't have to do chemo. Wednesday is my first treatment. I also know that the reality is that chemo will be a part of this... But I get a month or two off. The irony: 2 more months puts me closer to graduation, baseball.... so I'm not sure what's better. HA! Good things I sorta have a sense of humor right now. Avastin it is, don't want you confused!
Avastin is the medicine I was on during my first fight, the study drug I called it. It is known to stop the oxygen flow to ovarian cancer cells, so they can't live. It's not a guarantee of course, but it is certainly why I had a 2 year remission after the first fight. I am hopeful, even tho I said I wouldn't hope again. I feel it is a bit of hope wrapped up in a yucky infusion bag, causing tiredness, crazy mouth stuff and my super sexy crackly voice. However, hair stays, nausea very uncommon, and normal life possible. So now you know what it does inside of me.
So I am trusting God. I do know there is a plan. I do know there is much left to learn, part of which is probably how to handle bad news better!
Love to you all. Keep praying, specifically that the Avastin will work. We won't need any help as it isn't disabling at all. Thanks for understanding and knowing that I do want you to go thru this again with me, if you'd like.
Vicki
I went to the doctor on Tuesday with Tim and Dad. It was quite informative. I found out a bit more about that ugly blog than I needed to! Chris got a few phone calls about it. That was a bit shocking. I'm choosing to not be mad. But really, can't I just have terribly horrible reactions to terrible horrible news without freaking everyone out?
Something you should know: those feelings I had are the same feelings I have had several times. I was definitely more mad this time, but there was a wrench thrown at me. Sheesh. I'm not suicidal, and I'm not loosing my faith, and I'm not refusing treatment. I so hope that is not what you took from that. It really was sheer venting. It's serious venting I know. Hard to read and understand and know a friend is going thru that. I get it. But I should have thought that one thru (add it to the list) and not posted it.
Why the single agent Avastin makes me so happy is because of the possibility that it could work and I won't have to do chemo. Wednesday is my first treatment. I also know that the reality is that chemo will be a part of this... But I get a month or two off. The irony: 2 more months puts me closer to graduation, baseball.... so I'm not sure what's better. HA! Good things I sorta have a sense of humor right now. Avastin it is, don't want you confused!
Avastin is the medicine I was on during my first fight, the study drug I called it. It is known to stop the oxygen flow to ovarian cancer cells, so they can't live. It's not a guarantee of course, but it is certainly why I had a 2 year remission after the first fight. I am hopeful, even tho I said I wouldn't hope again. I feel it is a bit of hope wrapped up in a yucky infusion bag, causing tiredness, crazy mouth stuff and my super sexy crackly voice. However, hair stays, nausea very uncommon, and normal life possible. So now you know what it does inside of me.
So I am trusting God. I do know there is a plan. I do know there is much left to learn, part of which is probably how to handle bad news better!
Love to you all. Keep praying, specifically that the Avastin will work. We won't need any help as it isn't disabling at all. Thanks for understanding and knowing that I do want you to go thru this again with me, if you'd like.
Vicki
Monday, January 28, 2013
The Ugly Journal
Now I think you all understand why I have a journal called the Ugly journal. Some things just don't need to be shared. Partly because they are feelings based and feelings change suddenly and often.
Today a teenager got me motivated. Yep, one of those teenagers. He isn't mine, but he's pretty special. Simple words... you've done it before and you can do it again. And snap- that was it.
So, I wish I wouldn't have shared what should have been reserved for the ugly journal. I'm sorry for that. I have to admit that it really helped tho. Alone is not how I do life, and you all know that. Alone would be so unmotivating and unhealthy for my recovery-even the 4th recovery. And while I know I have said often that this could be the way the rest of my life is lived (and can be lived at length) that doesn't mean I was really ready for it. The timing is really bad. Senior in HS, a lovely exchange student, boys who are about to start baseball.... However, now is better than spring or summer that is for sure.
Onward we go. I'm getting ready.
Lots of love,
Vicki
Today a teenager got me motivated. Yep, one of those teenagers. He isn't mine, but he's pretty special. Simple words... you've done it before and you can do it again. And snap- that was it.
So, I wish I wouldn't have shared what should have been reserved for the ugly journal. I'm sorry for that. I have to admit that it really helped tho. Alone is not how I do life, and you all know that. Alone would be so unmotivating and unhealthy for my recovery-even the 4th recovery. And while I know I have said often that this could be the way the rest of my life is lived (and can be lived at length) that doesn't mean I was really ready for it. The timing is really bad. Senior in HS, a lovely exchange student, boys who are about to start baseball.... However, now is better than spring or summer that is for sure.
Onward we go. I'm getting ready.
Lots of love,
Vicki
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Adendum
That was about feelings that lie.... It's not how I'll choose to go thru this. It is just how I feel. I know better than to let myself go thru this alone, without you. I just want to cocoon. I want to be isolated. I want to be alone. But I know that's not healthy and not how I will walk in victory.
So, that's that.
So, that's that.
Just don't
As I told my daughter in the middle of a fight, 'feelings lie', I could feel my head spinning a bit out of control knowing that I was fighting feelings of my own at that very same time but I was not willing to let them become a lie.
I'm not sure I am even still.
It all started about a 3 weeks ago, when once again my CA 125 was elevated, but this time above normal- to 47. The plan was to repeat the blood work in 2 weeks, which I did. It came back at 49. Not bad I thought, considering that the last time it was in the 40's, the 2 week recheck brought with it a number above 100. When I talked with Chris she said she and Dr. Hicks had talked about my number and thought that if I was willing we could try just the Avastin for my treatment. Avastin is a medicine, not chemo. So I was thrilled and the weight of the world was no longer on my shoulders.
Then Friday came along. I spoke with the office again only to find out that they want me to do 2 chemo treatments, just as the others, and were trying to get it set up. My world crashed, it blew up, it came to a hault and I wanted it to end. The Avastin made me feel hopeful. Chemo does not. And every once of hope that I had before Friday morning disappeared. It hasn't been seen since.
I had so much hope when my number went down from 34-30 a while ago. I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe I really was a miracle, that God was choosing to use me as a living miracle. I don't usually allow myself such hopefulness, but I did that time. I really thought I was done with cancer.
Then Friday came along. Every once of hope, belief, faith I had rushed out of my body which quickly filled itself with anger and doubt, helplessness and hopelessness. That is a really bad way to feel. I haven't felt that in a very long time. I didn't even tell anyone until Saturday morning (except Tim) and I made it very clear that where I was dwelling was not good and that I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. That is not how I usually am.... And today, I skipped church. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even be well enough to come there to be sad and angry. I just didn't want to have to talk about me. I'm so sick of me. I'm so sick of cancer and chemo and pain and fatigue. I'm more than tired of telling my children I have to have chemo again. What does this do to them? I wish I knew.
I actually swore at the poor sweet woman who told me. She said not to let this get me-because I am always so full of hope. Another friend said that God must want to do so much more with me; that I inspire her and others. I simply said 'not right now- not this time'. As Friday continued so did my tears, anxiety, anger and bitterness. The tears are gone now, but not the rest. I am so mad. I am so scared. I am so confused.
To make matters worse, I heard a bit of a Joyce Meyer's lesson and she said something to the effect that when you are being tested by God, make sure you get it right so you don't have to be retested. Well, I've been doing what he told me to. I've been sharing and persevering.
I think this has been the biggest 'why' moment of my life. I don't think I've let myself even entertain such a stupid question all thru this journey. This time seems to be super special. I've never been this low, this empty of hope before. I'm not worried about dying right now- that isn't it at all. I'm hopeless because God had the chance to use me as a living miracle in December when He made the numbers go down. He had the miracle. I had the miracle. Why can't it just be mine? It's not like I don't tell others about what He has done for me and thru me. It's not like others haven't told me what God has done for them thru me. It's nonsense.
And there it is. This world makes no sense. This disease and so many others make no sense. Timing makes no sense. Nothing makes sense right now.
So just a warning to you. I am not who I was. I will be again, but I think God's gonna have me on some sort of journey besides cancer this time. I am cocooning into myself, my home. I don't want to leave. I don't think I'll be walking around bald this time. I am feeling no strength or sass to help me get thru. I don't want anyone to be with me when I have treatments. I don't want any help coming in. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to be noticed. In fact I am thinking I have to get new hats because I want to hide myself. I want to hide my story. I want to hide my weakness. I want to hide the looks I get from others. I don't want pity. I don't want help. I want the damn miracle.
I don't even want you to comment. There's nothing to be said. This time will be a different journey. You might want to run and hide.
I'm sorry if I made you cry. I'm sorry for a lot of things to come.....
Vicki
I'm not sure I am even still.
It all started about a 3 weeks ago, when once again my CA 125 was elevated, but this time above normal- to 47. The plan was to repeat the blood work in 2 weeks, which I did. It came back at 49. Not bad I thought, considering that the last time it was in the 40's, the 2 week recheck brought with it a number above 100. When I talked with Chris she said she and Dr. Hicks had talked about my number and thought that if I was willing we could try just the Avastin for my treatment. Avastin is a medicine, not chemo. So I was thrilled and the weight of the world was no longer on my shoulders.
Then Friday came along. I spoke with the office again only to find out that they want me to do 2 chemo treatments, just as the others, and were trying to get it set up. My world crashed, it blew up, it came to a hault and I wanted it to end. The Avastin made me feel hopeful. Chemo does not. And every once of hope that I had before Friday morning disappeared. It hasn't been seen since.
I had so much hope when my number went down from 34-30 a while ago. I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe I really was a miracle, that God was choosing to use me as a living miracle. I don't usually allow myself such hopefulness, but I did that time. I really thought I was done with cancer.
Then Friday came along. Every once of hope, belief, faith I had rushed out of my body which quickly filled itself with anger and doubt, helplessness and hopelessness. That is a really bad way to feel. I haven't felt that in a very long time. I didn't even tell anyone until Saturday morning (except Tim) and I made it very clear that where I was dwelling was not good and that I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. That is not how I usually am.... And today, I skipped church. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even be well enough to come there to be sad and angry. I just didn't want to have to talk about me. I'm so sick of me. I'm so sick of cancer and chemo and pain and fatigue. I'm more than tired of telling my children I have to have chemo again. What does this do to them? I wish I knew.
I actually swore at the poor sweet woman who told me. She said not to let this get me-because I am always so full of hope. Another friend said that God must want to do so much more with me; that I inspire her and others. I simply said 'not right now- not this time'. As Friday continued so did my tears, anxiety, anger and bitterness. The tears are gone now, but not the rest. I am so mad. I am so scared. I am so confused.
To make matters worse, I heard a bit of a Joyce Meyer's lesson and she said something to the effect that when you are being tested by God, make sure you get it right so you don't have to be retested. Well, I've been doing what he told me to. I've been sharing and persevering.
I think this has been the biggest 'why' moment of my life. I don't think I've let myself even entertain such a stupid question all thru this journey. This time seems to be super special. I've never been this low, this empty of hope before. I'm not worried about dying right now- that isn't it at all. I'm hopeless because God had the chance to use me as a living miracle in December when He made the numbers go down. He had the miracle. I had the miracle. Why can't it just be mine? It's not like I don't tell others about what He has done for me and thru me. It's not like others haven't told me what God has done for them thru me. It's nonsense.
And there it is. This world makes no sense. This disease and so many others make no sense. Timing makes no sense. Nothing makes sense right now.
So just a warning to you. I am not who I was. I will be again, but I think God's gonna have me on some sort of journey besides cancer this time. I am cocooning into myself, my home. I don't want to leave. I don't think I'll be walking around bald this time. I am feeling no strength or sass to help me get thru. I don't want anyone to be with me when I have treatments. I don't want any help coming in. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to be noticed. In fact I am thinking I have to get new hats because I want to hide myself. I want to hide my story. I want to hide my weakness. I want to hide the looks I get from others. I don't want pity. I don't want help. I want the damn miracle.
I don't even want you to comment. There's nothing to be said. This time will be a different journey. You might want to run and hide.
I'm sorry if I made you cry. I'm sorry for a lot of things to come.....
Vicki
Monday, December 17, 2012
Mosaics of Life
Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
A reminder for us that this life is going to bring us moments, seasons, perhaps lifetimes of hardships. But God tells us right here, before they even happen, before we were alive, that he will strengthen us, that He will hold us up with his mighty right hand.
I saw this verse afresh about 4 years ago when my niece Molly posted it on my LHH site. Having a then 25 year old, who KNEW what this verse meant in real life, 'give' it to me left me breathless and so proud of her for helping me, for getting into the mess with me.
I see these broken pieces of ceramic and I see the love and friendship that went into breaking them. Yes, love and friendship. They were broken last April, in the back of the church parking lot by me, and Angel, and Lucy. (Code names being used) Angel opened the back of her van and it was quite full of plates and bowls. We hesitated for a bit-kinda laughing because we were actually following thru on doing this, on breaking plates because I was breaking inside.
So, I went first, jumping up to give more power to the actual smashing throw of the plate. Then they went. And we took turns until all of our plates and bowls were broken.
One thing didn't change. I was still broken. They were still heart broken. So were you.
While I was undergoing treatment again, they were working on placing the pieces of the broken ceramics into frames. Several mosaics, words of meaning, signs of everlasting hope.
Broken is what our lives are about. It's just the things that break each one of us that are different. It's the timing that is different. It's the way we cope that is different. If we are to believe what God says here, then maybe the way we cope shouldn't be so different. Maybe if we didn't take so much time trying to figure out an answer and just submitted our hearts, our trust, our lives to the Great Hope; if we would just let Him hold us in His mighty right hand; maybe then coping would not be such a mystery.
Broken is how we get to God. Something broke us to get us to become believers, to become born again. I know what mine was, and it has nothing to do with sickness! In the dark and broken places, when we are alone with our thoughts and our open hearts, God performs the life saving surgery we need- salvation stitches holding us together.
Broken is the only way we can put the pieces back into some sort of frame that makes us feel whole again. What is kinda cool is that the brokenness can transform us into understanding and living a life full of things we never understood before. It makes us more aware, more understanding and perhaps more understood.
Life is supposed to break us. God is supposed to put us back together. Maybe he has a special art institute up in Heaven that displays all the mosaics of each of our lives. Then, when we finally get to meet him face to face, the mosaics disappear because we are truly whole.
Here's to our broken lives that lead us to the path of complete wholeness. Thank God we are not alone. We have each other and we have Him.
John 16:33
In this world you will have trouble, but be brave; I have defeated the world.
Much Love,
Vicki
Much Love,
Vicki
Sunday, November 18, 2012
It's so loud I can't see
I keep waiting for a mountain top to be seen in the horizon of my life. Waiting and waiting.... I am getting pretty good at waiting. It's not as nerve racking as it once was. Now it has become a time to do, get, be, go, do, do, do as much as possible before the waiting becomes the now.
Man, can I do...... I can do until I can't even sleep at night. I can do morning rush, morning clean up, back to bed, afternoon errand/clean fest, afternoon rush hours, dinner bell, and evening rush. I sit down around 9pm, tea, TV and drool down my mouth from finally resting. I realized I do not know how to do quiet, rest, peace. I think because I enjoy each 'do' so much (except cleaning) they don't feel like stress or pressure. They feel fun. And fun takes time. Time is always running out.
This morning I was thinking about my lack of time with God and my abundance of time keeping myself busy enough to not dwell on the near future. I am doing my part. I am doing things so outside of my box, so beyond myself that I know only God can be in charge of this. I am eating raw, vegetarian, no sugar or gluten, no corn or soy. NO SUGAR. M&Ms have sugar you know. But I am doing it. I am going for prayer at a friends house where 3 of us meet at around 8 to pray for me. FOR ME. That is so not who I am. And today I went up for prayer, because I just can't do this without God or without you.
This morning I was realizing I needed to get some scripture under my belt about trust and belief, healing and hope. Now don't get too upset. I have each of these- I know where they all come from. I just am having a little trouble believing the miracle that is waiting for me. It's hard to explain. So into church I come, already knowing what I wanted to do for the afternoon, what I would write about today. And then came the sermon. Then I opened my bulletin. And I smiled because who else but God could orchestrate the thoughts I was having to be completely lined up with the sermon AND an insert in the bulletin. Seriously, God is for me. That is exactly why I stood right up and went for prayer. Boldness in approaching God is just oozing out of me. I'm not afraid at all to walk up to the altar. I'm not afraid to tell you I'm stuck and need your prayer. I'm not afraid to tell God that I am not happy about this speed bump of a two week time period. And I am not afraid to WAIT until next Monday to get the results because I want a nice Thanksgiving.
I am thankful to people who have said God told them I would be ok thru this. I do wish I knew what ok meant, but in the end God wins. End of story. I am thankful to you who tell me you're praying for me because I believe you.
This week brings a day that will be full of sadness; the birthday of my sister in law Sweet Sue. It's the first birthday since she reached her mountain top. I miss her like crazy. I miss her for her sister and my husband. I miss her for my kids and for her kids. Today Andy talked about something Sue practiced: Scripture overwriting the negative script of our lives. That's our self talk... The negative stuff about what we look like, weigh, don't do perfectly.... She had a routine of sorts, speaking truth and life into her head and heart and soul thru scripture. I get it now. I understood it then-but now I get it.
I have done a few things right. I've asked. I've banged on the door for 4 years now begging for healing. I've gotten personal with God, even to the point of anger. I know he can handle that. Next is the scriptures. Next is writing a prayer using scripture and me, my circumstance, and the names of God that go with them. Those will be the next posts from me.
I know I've followed his lead in living this journey loud, out loud, to you. I know I've been obedient in that. At this time I am so LOUD about it that I can barely see! I don't know why I can't see when it's too loud, but I can't. I even got a bit lightheaded up front while being prayed for. Walking to the altar is a bold and loud move for me.
I learned that I am not as faithless as I thought. If faith is asking boldly of our Father, then I have faith. I have persistence wrapped up with a pretty bow!
Tomorrow a prayer for us. I hope you write one too.
So many thanks and so much love to you for praying me thru. That brings me peace and joy. I do so love who we all are together- partners in prayer and in life. Share your life. It's important and someone needs to hear it.
Still in awe,
Vicki
Man, can I do...... I can do until I can't even sleep at night. I can do morning rush, morning clean up, back to bed, afternoon errand/clean fest, afternoon rush hours, dinner bell, and evening rush. I sit down around 9pm, tea, TV and drool down my mouth from finally resting. I realized I do not know how to do quiet, rest, peace. I think because I enjoy each 'do' so much (except cleaning) they don't feel like stress or pressure. They feel fun. And fun takes time. Time is always running out.
This morning I was thinking about my lack of time with God and my abundance of time keeping myself busy enough to not dwell on the near future. I am doing my part. I am doing things so outside of my box, so beyond myself that I know only God can be in charge of this. I am eating raw, vegetarian, no sugar or gluten, no corn or soy. NO SUGAR. M&Ms have sugar you know. But I am doing it. I am going for prayer at a friends house where 3 of us meet at around 8 to pray for me. FOR ME. That is so not who I am. And today I went up for prayer, because I just can't do this without God or without you.
This morning I was realizing I needed to get some scripture under my belt about trust and belief, healing and hope. Now don't get too upset. I have each of these- I know where they all come from. I just am having a little trouble believing the miracle that is waiting for me. It's hard to explain. So into church I come, already knowing what I wanted to do for the afternoon, what I would write about today. And then came the sermon. Then I opened my bulletin. And I smiled because who else but God could orchestrate the thoughts I was having to be completely lined up with the sermon AND an insert in the bulletin. Seriously, God is for me. That is exactly why I stood right up and went for prayer. Boldness in approaching God is just oozing out of me. I'm not afraid at all to walk up to the altar. I'm not afraid to tell you I'm stuck and need your prayer. I'm not afraid to tell God that I am not happy about this speed bump of a two week time period. And I am not afraid to WAIT until next Monday to get the results because I want a nice Thanksgiving.
I am thankful to people who have said God told them I would be ok thru this. I do wish I knew what ok meant, but in the end God wins. End of story. I am thankful to you who tell me you're praying for me because I believe you.
This week brings a day that will be full of sadness; the birthday of my sister in law Sweet Sue. It's the first birthday since she reached her mountain top. I miss her like crazy. I miss her for her sister and my husband. I miss her for my kids and for her kids. Today Andy talked about something Sue practiced: Scripture overwriting the negative script of our lives. That's our self talk... The negative stuff about what we look like, weigh, don't do perfectly.... She had a routine of sorts, speaking truth and life into her head and heart and soul thru scripture. I get it now. I understood it then-but now I get it.
I have done a few things right. I've asked. I've banged on the door for 4 years now begging for healing. I've gotten personal with God, even to the point of anger. I know he can handle that. Next is the scriptures. Next is writing a prayer using scripture and me, my circumstance, and the names of God that go with them. Those will be the next posts from me.
I know I've followed his lead in living this journey loud, out loud, to you. I know I've been obedient in that. At this time I am so LOUD about it that I can barely see! I don't know why I can't see when it's too loud, but I can't. I even got a bit lightheaded up front while being prayed for. Walking to the altar is a bold and loud move for me.
I learned that I am not as faithless as I thought. If faith is asking boldly of our Father, then I have faith. I have persistence wrapped up with a pretty bow!
Tomorrow a prayer for us. I hope you write one too.
So many thanks and so much love to you for praying me thru. That brings me peace and joy. I do so love who we all are together- partners in prayer and in life. Share your life. It's important and someone needs to hear it.
Still in awe,
Vicki
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