Just don't

As I told my daughter in the middle of a fight, 'feelings lie', I could feel my head spinning a bit out of control knowing that I was fighting feelings of my own at that very same time but I was not willing to let them become a lie.

I'm not sure I am even still.

It all started about a 3 weeks ago, when once again my CA 125 was elevated, but this time above normal- to 47.  The plan was to repeat the blood work in 2 weeks, which I did.  It came back at 49.  Not bad I thought, considering that the last time it was in the 40's, the 2 week recheck brought with it a number above 100.  When I talked with Chris she said she and Dr. Hicks had talked about my number and thought that if I was willing we could try just the Avastin for my treatment.  Avastin is a medicine, not chemo.  So I was thrilled and the weight of the world was no longer on my shoulders.

Then Friday came along.  I spoke with the office again only to find out that they want me to do 2 chemo treatments, just as the others, and were trying to get it set up.  My world crashed, it blew up, it came to a hault and I wanted it to end.  The Avastin made me feel hopeful.  Chemo does not.  And every once of hope that I had before Friday morning disappeared.  It hasn't been seen since.

I had so much hope when my number went down from 34-30 a while ago.  I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe I really was a miracle, that God was choosing to use me as a living miracle.  I don't usually allow myself such hopefulness, but I did that time.  I really thought I was done with cancer.

Then Friday came along.  Every once of hope, belief, faith I had rushed out of my body which quickly filled itself with anger and doubt, helplessness and hopelessness.  That is a really bad way to feel.  I haven't felt that in a very long time.  I didn't even tell anyone until Saturday morning (except Tim) and I made it very clear that where I was dwelling was not good and that I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.  That is not how I usually am....  And today, I skipped church.  I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't even be well enough to come there to be sad and angry.  I just didn't want to have to talk about me.  I'm so sick of me.  I'm so sick of cancer and chemo and pain and fatigue.  I'm more than tired of telling my children I have to have chemo again.  What does this do to them?  I wish I knew.

I actually swore at the poor sweet woman who told me.  She said not to let this get me-because I am always so full of hope.  Another friend said that God must want to do so much more with me; that I inspire her and others.  I simply said 'not right now- not this time'.  As Friday continued so did my tears, anxiety, anger and bitterness.  The tears are gone now, but not the rest.  I am so mad.  I am so scared.  I am so confused.

To make matters worse, I heard a bit of a Joyce Meyer's lesson and she said something to the effect that when you are being tested by God, make sure you get it right so you don't have to be retested.  Well, I've been doing what he told me to.  I've been sharing and persevering.

I think this has been the biggest 'why' moment of my life.  I don't think I've let myself even entertain such a stupid question all thru this journey.  This time seems to be super special.  I've never been this low, this empty of hope before.   I'm not worried about dying right now- that isn't it at all.  I'm hopeless because God had the chance to use me as a living miracle in December when He made the numbers go down.  He had the miracle.  I had the miracle.  Why can't it just be mine?  It's not like I don't tell others about what He has done for me and thru me.  It's not like others haven't told me what God has done for them thru me. It's nonsense.

And there it is.  This world makes no sense.  This disease and so many others make no sense.  Timing makes no sense.  Nothing makes sense right now.

So just a warning to you.  I am not who I was.  I will be again, but I think God's gonna have me on some sort of journey besides cancer this time.  I am cocooning into myself, my home.  I don't want to leave.  I don't think I'll be walking around bald this time.  I am feeling no strength or sass to help me get thru.  I don't want anyone to be with me when I have treatments.  I don't want any help coming in.  I don't want to talk on the phone.  I don't want to talk about this.  I don't want to be noticed.  In fact I am thinking I have to get new hats because I want to hide myself.  I want to hide my story.  I want to hide my weakness.  I want to hide the looks I get from others.  I don't want pity.  I don't want help.  I want the damn miracle.

I don't even want you to comment.  There's nothing to be said.  This time will be a different journey.  You might want to run and hide.

I'm sorry if I made you cry.  I'm sorry for a lot of things to come.....

Vicki