I've been staring at this blank page for about 10 minutes.
I went to the doctor on Tuesday with Tim and Dad. It was quite informative. I found out a bit more about that ugly blog than I needed to! Chris got a few phone calls about it. That was a bit shocking. I'm choosing to not be mad. But really, can't I just have terribly horrible reactions to terrible horrible news without freaking everyone out?
Something you should know: those feelings I had are the same feelings I have had several times. I was definitely more mad this time, but there was a wrench thrown at me. Sheesh. I'm not suicidal, and I'm not loosing my faith, and I'm not refusing treatment. I so hope that is not what you took from that. It really was sheer venting. It's serious venting I know. Hard to read and understand and know a friend is going thru that. I get it. But I should have thought that one thru (add it to the list) and not posted it.
Why the single agent Avastin makes me so happy is because of the possibility that it could work and I won't have to do chemo. Wednesday is my first treatment. I also know that the reality is that chemo will be a part of this... But I get a month or two off. The irony: 2 more months puts me closer to graduation, baseball.... so I'm not sure what's better. HA! Good things I sorta have a sense of humor right now. Avastin it is, don't want you confused!
Avastin is the medicine I was on during my first fight, the study drug I called it. It is known to stop the oxygen flow to ovarian cancer cells, so they can't live. It's not a guarantee of course, but it is certainly why I had a 2 year remission after the first fight. I am hopeful, even tho I said I wouldn't hope again. I feel it is a bit of hope wrapped up in a yucky infusion bag, causing tiredness, crazy mouth stuff and my super sexy crackly voice. However, hair stays, nausea very uncommon, and normal life possible. So now you know what it does inside of me.
So I am trusting God. I do know there is a plan. I do know there is much left to learn, part of which is probably how to handle bad news better!
Love to you all. Keep praying, specifically that the Avastin will work. We won't need any help as it isn't disabling at all. Thanks for understanding and knowing that I do want you to go thru this again with me, if you'd like.
Vicki
As always, still love the good, bad and the ugly. It is always crappy. And cancer sucks big time! I never thought you were without hope. I know better than that. Love you friend. Glad it is only avastin for now. :) Denise
ReplyDeleteDitto what Denise said...I never thought you were without hope either...just venting. Necessary, cathartic, and health-promoting venting. And don't apologize or regret! I am glad you did. I love what my devotional the other day said (the one I recommended you read): "When we weave the weak strands of our lives together, a rope of great strength is created"...and, "Christians, like snowflakes, are frail, but when they stick together that stop traffic"...and "Most all our weaknesses increase our capacity for sympathy and ministry...God wants you to have a Christlike ministry on earth. That means people are going to find healing in YOUR wounds...the things you are most embarrassed about, most ashamed of, and most reluctant to share are the very tools God can use most powerfully to heal others." And, "Vulnerability is risky...when you reveal your failures, feelings, frustrations and fears, you risk rejection. But the benefits are worth the risk. Vulnerability is emotionally liberating. Opening up relieves stress, defuses your fears, and is the first step to freedom...the more honest about your weaknesses, the more of God's grace you get. You will also receive grace from others." So, THANK YOU for sharing your "ugly," your weak, and your vulnerable. I see beauty out of it already.
ReplyDeleteVicki you vent you say whatever you want you have earned this. Our house has had the flu bug for twelve plus days Alexander sick since Saturday with issues. Stephen sick now twelve days and yes I feared cancer was getting him too. So last night Alexander profuse diaphoresis to the extent of his image plastered through the sheets dripping in sweat fever high vomiting buckets of bile yep I freaked I melted and cried on my bathroom floor fearing that beast in my mind I could not see its been five years and that he has no broviac in or the possibility he has the H1n1 because he refused a flu shot and I agreed no I only saw flashbacks of a world I never want to return to. I get it I texted my family in tears and fear scaring everyone . I hear you I pray for you love you. Vent it's about you only you and yours hugs
ReplyDeletePrayers for Avastins miracle amen
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