Psalm 71

Psalm 71

¹ In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
    let me never be put to shame.

I have tried Lord to stay in your embrace,

to never bring shame to your name² In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
    turn your ear to me and save me.

Lord hear me when I pray, rescue me from myself

deliver me from negative thoughts

³ Be my rock of refuge,
    to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.

I know you should be my rock and place of safety

please save me from this, become my fortress, 

my strength.

⁴ Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.

Keep me from those that wish me harm,

who do not understand who I am in you

⁵ For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,
    my confidence since my youth.

For I have hoped in you since my younger days
⁶ From birth I have relied on you;
    you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
    I will ever praise you.

I have relied on you since 1989, being born again

after being born of my mother.

Thank you Lord.⁷ I have become a sign to many;
    you are my strong refuge.

Many people know that you are my strength

That you are my hope.⁸ My mouth is filled with your praise,
    declaring your splendor all day long.

I talk about you often and how you have helped me

⁹ Do not cast me away when I am old;
    do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
¹⁰ For my enemies speak against me;
    those who wait to kill me conspire together.
¹¹ They say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue him and seize him,
    for no one will rescue him.”
¹² Do not be far from me, my God;
    come quickly, God, to help me.
¹³ May my accusers perish in shame;
    may those who want to harm me
    be covered with scorn and disgrace.

When it is my time to leave this world

be my strength and my guide.

And when people try to take YOU out of me,

and say you are the reason I have gone,

Come quickly to help me, come quickly to reveal

the hope that I held on to in you. 

¹⁴ As for me, I will always have hope;
    I will praise you more and more.

As for me, I try to have hope each day,

As my hope grows so does my praise

¹⁵ My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
    of your saving acts all day long—
    though I know not how to relate them all.

My voice, my actions, my life will tell of your love

and your acts of provision even tho the words

will never have the ability to fully understood¹⁶ I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;
    I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.

When I go to others I will talk of your love, your acts of

salvation and strength in my life, yours alone¹⁷ Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
    and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

I can see all you have been teaching me, even in my 

childhood when I didn't realize you were so available¹⁸ Even when I am old and gray,
    do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
    your mighty acts to all who are to come.

Lord help me make the time I have here count.

Help me to tell of all you have done to my children,

to their children and to all I meet.

¹⁹ Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
    you who have done great things.
    Who is like you, God?

No one can be like you God, loving and giving hope

doing great things for all under the heavens²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles,
    many and bitter,
    you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will again bring me up.
²¹ You will increase my honor
    and comfort me once more.

Tho I have lived thru many trials and troubles,

You will restore me and make me whole.

You will bring me to you

And increase my honor among others

And comfort me forevermore.

²² I will praise you with the harp
    for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
    Holy One of Israel.

Because of your faithfulness and love,

because of your might and power,

I will sing praises to you.²³ My lips will shout for joy
    when I sing praise to you—
    I whom you have delivered.

I will stand up and shout for joy

when I praise you

Because you HAVE delivered me.²⁴ My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
    all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
    have been put to shame and confusion.

My words will always tell of your righteousness

so that those that have no understanding of the YOU in me

will be ashamed and confused at the hope I have in you.

Father, at this moment I am struggling to trust.

At this moment hope seems so far away.

When hope was all I KNEW was available

I found it easy to find refuge in you.

As time continues on I am ashamed that my hope

has become fleeting.  I feel I can't hope for healing because 

I feel that it was given and then taken away.  I am the confused one.

Lord help me to keep fighting my way back to the place

Where in you I feel safe and secure.

Help my focus to be on you, and all that is good.

Because when it is all said and done, the only thing my life must 

accomplish is the passing on of my belief and love for you to my children and my friends.  Without you, without finding you in 1989...

Thank you for saving me.  That is one thing that is certain in my life.

I am saved, receiving that free gift from you because of the grace and mercy you have shown to me.

Lord allow hope to once again be the highlight of my relationship with you.  Help me to find the quietness I need to reflect on the reasons I have to trust you.

Lord, please heal me.  Please allow me to be a living miracle.  Please wrap up these fears and doubts and take them from me, replacing them with your truth, not the devils lies.  For you are love and light, peace and hope, quiet and trust.  For this I will worship you always.

Amen

Baseball with hair

For those of you who can't see me, or who don't know what is going on with me, I must tell you..... altho I am fighting again, I have hair!  And my hair is CURLY!!!  It has been years since I've had this much hair, and even longer since it's been curly.  It's been just like riding a bike, I know exactly how to care for it.
My fear of the curls has gone.  I used to equate the curls with recurrence. That may seem so completely crazy to you but let me explain.  Every single time I have had a recurrence, my hair was just starting to get curly.  EVERY time.  But this recurrence was different.  I barely had hair, and it was straight.  As I've fought this battle with the awesome Avastin as my medicinal miracle, my hair has gotten curlier and curlier. I feel like ME!  Because everything about me is curly.  My forgetfulness, my free spirit, my hyperness, my hobbies, my sass- just everything.  I am a curly girl, in hair and in mind and spirit.  Hard to follow isn't it.....
This year I get to watch my sons play baseball.  I've been doing that for so many years, but for almost 5 years I have been a bald baseball mom.  A fighting for her life baseball mom.  A "gee son I have to miss this game" baseball mom.  A baseball game lets me escape from the reality of cancer, escape from fighting.  I get to yell, talk, laugh and pick on the boys.  I get to fight for them instead.  And the families involved are so helpful with that.  They just talk to me as if everything in life is ok.  Oh how I love that.  (Not to be misunderstood- I am always willing to talk about my cancer journey).
This year my hair will actually get messy from the rain and wind.  My hoodies will smoosh my curls.... The humidity will grow my curls...... And the smile on my face while it all happens is going to feel awesome.
Avastin seems to be working.  We have 17 points more to lower until we are 'normal' but lower is awesome.  Baseball starts on Thursday.  Any way it is sliced, I get to have hair for baseball season.  Even if bad things happen....
Ovarian cancer has proven itself to be a strong beast.  My body is responding well, and the recurrences are not unexpected.  No answers will ever be had.  That's ok.  I've learned to live without knowing, without answers.  I don't really think I want to know the answers.
This year I get to watch baseball with hair.
At this moment, that is my win.
So there cancer, take that. I don't care what you have planned for me.  I am content with today. Not because of curls, but because the fear is not as oppressive.
Out loud I say, Satan you do not have power over me.  You do not know what I think.  You are not omniscient, you are not powerful.  I have Jesus, I have people praying, and you have no power over me.  You cannot keep me in the state of fear.
So cancer, take that.  Right now you are not in complete control.  I hate you.  My family and friends hate you.  But I don't think you will own this girl again.
The journey lately has been rediscovering my hope, my trust in the Lord.  It's been tested to it's core this past year. I really just had no faith in healing.  I'm not sure I do now, but I have hope that it's maybe possible.  It's more scary to realize my faith is failing than my health.  Don't misunderstand, not my belief.... I believe every word in the bible, everything my own life has witnessed, every move I know that has been God breathed.
Rediscovering hope.  That's the next movement for me to take. Faith in hope.
Spring, baseball, hair, curls, Avastin...... all bring me hope.  While I may be fighting the beast again, it's different this time.  It's easier in some ways, not in others.
I guess I have curly faith too....

Now listen, after my last post, after the over reaction to it, I am hesitant to even write anymore.  I did not say that I don't believe in God, and I did not say that I don't have faith.  Do not, under any circumstances, judge my words based on what you think they mean.  They mean what they say, and that is all.  Allow me to wander thru my head and heart without assuming I am completely lost.  I am not lost.  I know who I am and I know whose I am.  That is solid.  What is not solid are my curly thoughts and fears, my moments of doubt.  I don't want those solid!

I've been staring at this blank page for about 10 minutes.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday with Tim and Dad.  It was quite informative.  I found out a bit more about that ugly blog than I needed to!  Chris got a few phone calls about it.  That was a bit shocking.  I'm choosing to not be mad.  But really, can't I just have terribly horrible reactions to terrible horrible news without freaking everyone out?

Something you should know: those feelings I had are the same feelings I have had several times.  I was definitely more mad this time, but there was a wrench thrown at me.  Sheesh.  I'm not suicidal, and I'm not loosing my faith, and I'm not refusing treatment.  I so hope that is not what you took from that.  It really was sheer venting.  It's serious venting I know.  Hard to read and understand and know a friend is going thru that.  I get it.  But I should have thought that one thru (add it to the list) and not posted it.

Why the single agent Avastin makes me so happy is because of the possibility that it could work and I won't have to do chemo.  Wednesday is my first treatment.  I also know that the reality is that chemo will be a part of this... But I get a month or two off.  The irony: 2 more months puts me closer to graduation, baseball.... so I'm not sure what's better.  HA!  Good things I sorta have a sense of humor right now. Avastin it is, don't want you confused!

Avastin is the medicine I was on during my first fight, the study drug I called it.  It is known to stop the oxygen flow to ovarian cancer cells, so they can't live.  It's not a guarantee of course, but it is certainly why I had a 2 year remission after the first fight.  I am hopeful, even tho I said I wouldn't hope again.  I feel it is a bit of hope wrapped up in a yucky infusion bag, causing tiredness, crazy mouth stuff and my super sexy crackly voice.  However, hair stays, nausea very uncommon, and normal life possible.  So now you know what it does inside of me.

So I am trusting God.  I do know there is a plan.  I do know there is much left to learn, part of which is probably how to handle bad news better!

Love to you all.  Keep praying, specifically that the Avastin will work.  We won't need any help as it isn't disabling at all.  Thanks for understanding and knowing that I do want you to go thru this again with me, if you'd like.

Vicki

The Ugly Journal

Now I think you all understand why I have a journal called the Ugly journal.  Some things just don't need to be shared. Partly because they are feelings based and feelings change suddenly and often.

Today a teenager got me motivated.  Yep, one of those teenagers.  He isn't mine, but he's pretty special.  Simple words... you've done it before and you can do it again.  And snap- that was it.

So, I wish I wouldn't have shared what should have been reserved for the ugly journal.  I'm sorry for that.  I have to admit that it really helped tho.  Alone is not how I do life, and you all know that.  Alone would be so unmotivating and unhealthy for my recovery-even the 4th recovery.  And while I know I have said often that this could be the way the rest of my life is lived (and can be lived at length) that doesn't mean I was really ready for it.  The timing is really bad.  Senior in HS, a lovely exchange student, boys who are about to start baseball.... However, now is better than spring or summer that is for sure.

Onward we go.  I'm getting ready.

Lots of love,

Vicki

Adendum

That was about feelings that lie.... It's not how I'll choose to go thru this.  It is just how I feel. I know better than to let myself go thru this alone, without you.  I just want to cocoon.  I want to be isolated.  I want to be alone.  But I know that's not healthy and not how I will walk in victory.
So, that's that.

Just don't

As I told my daughter in the middle of a fight, 'feelings lie', I could feel my head spinning a bit out of control knowing that I was fighting feelings of my own at that very same time but I was not willing to let them become a lie.

I'm not sure I am even still.

It all started about a 3 weeks ago, when once again my CA 125 was elevated, but this time above normal- to 47.  The plan was to repeat the blood work in 2 weeks, which I did.  It came back at 49.  Not bad I thought, considering that the last time it was in the 40's, the 2 week recheck brought with it a number above 100.  When I talked with Chris she said she and Dr. Hicks had talked about my number and thought that if I was willing we could try just the Avastin for my treatment.  Avastin is a medicine, not chemo.  So I was thrilled and the weight of the world was no longer on my shoulders.

Then Friday came along.  I spoke with the office again only to find out that they want me to do 2 chemo treatments, just as the others, and were trying to get it set up.  My world crashed, it blew up, it came to a hault and I wanted it to end.  The Avastin made me feel hopeful.  Chemo does not.  And every once of hope that I had before Friday morning disappeared.  It hasn't been seen since.

I had so much hope when my number went down from 34-30 a while ago.  I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe I really was a miracle, that God was choosing to use me as a living miracle.  I don't usually allow myself such hopefulness, but I did that time.  I really thought I was done with cancer.

Then Friday came along.  Every once of hope, belief, faith I had rushed out of my body which quickly filled itself with anger and doubt, helplessness and hopelessness.  That is a really bad way to feel.  I haven't felt that in a very long time.  I didn't even tell anyone until Saturday morning (except Tim) and I made it very clear that where I was dwelling was not good and that I didn't want to see or talk to anyone.  That is not how I usually am....  And today, I skipped church.  I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't even be well enough to come there to be sad and angry.  I just didn't want to have to talk about me.  I'm so sick of me.  I'm so sick of cancer and chemo and pain and fatigue.  I'm more than tired of telling my children I have to have chemo again.  What does this do to them?  I wish I knew.

I actually swore at the poor sweet woman who told me.  She said not to let this get me-because I am always so full of hope.  Another friend said that God must want to do so much more with me; that I inspire her and others.  I simply said 'not right now- not this time'.  As Friday continued so did my tears, anxiety, anger and bitterness.  The tears are gone now, but not the rest.  I am so mad.  I am so scared.  I am so confused.

To make matters worse, I heard a bit of a Joyce Meyer's lesson and she said something to the effect that when you are being tested by God, make sure you get it right so you don't have to be retested.  Well, I've been doing what he told me to.  I've been sharing and persevering.

I think this has been the biggest 'why' moment of my life.  I don't think I've let myself even entertain such a stupid question all thru this journey.  This time seems to be super special.  I've never been this low, this empty of hope before.   I'm not worried about dying right now- that isn't it at all.  I'm hopeless because God had the chance to use me as a living miracle in December when He made the numbers go down.  He had the miracle.  I had the miracle.  Why can't it just be mine?  It's not like I don't tell others about what He has done for me and thru me.  It's not like others haven't told me what God has done for them thru me. It's nonsense.

And there it is.  This world makes no sense.  This disease and so many others make no sense.  Timing makes no sense.  Nothing makes sense right now.

So just a warning to you.  I am not who I was.  I will be again, but I think God's gonna have me on some sort of journey besides cancer this time.  I am cocooning into myself, my home.  I don't want to leave.  I don't think I'll be walking around bald this time.  I am feeling no strength or sass to help me get thru.  I don't want anyone to be with me when I have treatments.  I don't want any help coming in.  I don't want to talk on the phone.  I don't want to talk about this.  I don't want to be noticed.  In fact I am thinking I have to get new hats because I want to hide myself.  I want to hide my story.  I want to hide my weakness.  I want to hide the looks I get from others.  I don't want pity.  I don't want help.  I want the damn miracle.

I don't even want you to comment.  There's nothing to be said.  This time will be a different journey.  You might want to run and hide.

I'm sorry if I made you cry.  I'm sorry for a lot of things to come.....

Vicki

Mosaics of Life

Isaiah 41:10

"So do not fear, for I am with you; 

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  

I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

A reminder for us that this life is going to bring us moments, seasons, perhaps lifetimes of hardships.  But God tells us right here, before they even happen, before we were alive, that he will strengthen us, that He will hold us up with his mighty right hand.

I saw this verse afresh about 4 years ago when my niece Molly posted it on my LHH site.  Having a then 25 year old, who KNEW what this verse meant in real life, 'give' it to me left me breathless and so proud of her for helping me, for getting into the mess with me.

I see these broken pieces of ceramic and I see the love and friendship that went into breaking them.  Yes, love and friendship.  They were broken last April, in the back of the church parking lot by me, and Angel, and Lucy. (Code names being used)  Angel opened the back of her van and it was quite full of plates and bowls.  We hesitated for a bit-kinda laughing because we were actually following thru on doing this, on breaking plates because I was breaking inside.

So, I went first, jumping up to give more power to the actual smashing throw of the plate.  Then they went.  And we took turns until all of our plates and bowls were broken.

One thing didn't change.  I was still broken.  They were still heart broken. So were you.

While I was undergoing treatment again, they were working on placing the pieces of the broken ceramics into frames.  Several mosaics, words of meaning, signs of everlasting hope.

Broken is what our lives are about.  It's just the things that break each one of us that are different.  It's the timing that is different.  It's the way we cope that is different. If we are to believe what God says here, then maybe the way we cope shouldn't be so different.  Maybe if we didn't take so much time trying to figure out an answer and just submitted our hearts, our trust, our lives to the Great Hope; if we would just let Him hold us in His mighty right hand; maybe then coping would not be such a mystery.

Broken is how we get to God.  Something broke us to get us to become believers, to become born again.  I know what mine was, and it has nothing to do with sickness!  In the dark and broken places, when we are alone with our thoughts and our open hearts, God performs the life saving surgery we need- salvation stitches holding us together.

Broken is the only way we can put the pieces back into some sort of frame that makes us feel whole again.  What is kinda cool is that the brokenness can transform us into understanding and living a life full of things we never understood before.  It makes us more aware, more understanding and perhaps more understood.

Life is supposed to break us.  God is supposed to put us back together.  Maybe he has a special art institute up in Heaven that displays all the mosaics of each of our lives.  Then, when we finally get to meet him face to face, the mosaics disappear because we are truly whole.  

Here's to our broken lives that lead us to the path of complete wholeness.  Thank God we are not alone.  We have each other and we have Him.

John 16:33

In this world you will have trouble, but be brave; I have defeated the world.

Much Love,
Vicki