Hearing

We have a graduate next year!  And to know me- or mom- is to know that I have already begun to get a little ready for it.  My gardens are what I have been tackling.  Weeding, transplanting, mulching, and keeping the deer from eating the hosta's before they even have leaves.  Why are they doing that?  ARG.  They are beginning to make me upset.  But, that isn't going to stop me.  The latest project for me is the front of the house.  Many years ago we pulled the bushes out because, well, I hate bushes.  I like pretty things.  My front landscaping has been barren for years now.  So I have been transplanting hosta's since I know they are hardy and can survive anything, some Iris and intend to get a few flowering perennials as well as just garden art.  I just put in a bird bath that has a solar light in it and I am looking forward to seeing it with birds, and glowing at night.  New small table and 2 chairs, and couple decorations and I am almost feeling at home out here.  That's where I am right now, writing, listening to music, birds and crickets.


Preparing: I don't think I'm crazy to start this year.  I won't be able to handle it all next year.  Next year I can focus on theme and food. The ceremonies, and all the little extras.  She already has her varsity letter in Cross Country and an Academic letter as well.  


Yesterday I was driving home from taking Austin somewhere and a song came on, one I haven't heard before.  I should have known that I would get my 'back talk' from God thru song.  Dah.  I would credit the band, but I can't remember their name.  These were the lyrics, or a close version of them:

Let my life be the proof

the proof of your love . 

Let my love look like you 

and what you're made of.

I felt like that just solidifies my 'cease striving' from last time.  I do not believe that we need to cease striving with our relationships with our peeps and families, but we got so busy with doing things, so many activities with the children, so much busy work that I am not sure we take time to let our lives be different- to show Gods love in what we do.  I don't know if we love with the truth of our Jesus.  I'm not sure what that even looks like really. Right now my life is preparing for a party that is happening in a year so that this body, that isn't normal and can't handle all the stress at one time, can have time to recuperate, rest, and learn to live in the proof of Jesus love.  Quite the challenge, both taking time to make a new 'to do ' schedule for myself, and living in the proof of Jesus love, to love with His truth.

Truth is we all need to work on this.

So I am listening.  God has always spoken to me more thru music than anything else.  My new devotional has His voice seemingly saying, hey, Vicki, this one is for you.  EVERYDAY!  Which is good.  Right now christian music and that devotional and blogging is about all I have to give and all I can take in.

I have a yearning to be looked at, for my life to be lived as proof of Jesus and his love for us.  I know my appearance to others makes it look like he doesn't love me-and that's too bad.  My attitude rarely reflects that even when I am down for 4-5 days and a bit whiny.  I have people I can go to that help me get out of my pits of despair.  It is difficult to show I feel loved when the thoughts in people's head are so uncontrolled and so worldly thinking.  So with a smile on my face and a conversation and a giggle or two, I hope I show them some little bit of the love I do feel and the love I have to give.  I keep saying, morbid as it may be- this is not the 'one' that is going to get me.  This may be the last fight.  I don't know, I don't understand, I don't like it, but it's mine.  Mine and God's.

Good luck.  Spread some loving truth, by living and loving as Jesus would.

Love you my friends.

Vicki

Feeling

That was the longest 4 days of feeling totally exhausted and yucky ever.  Stuck on a couch, watching TV (which I really do like to do), and fall into and out of sleep.  But, I didn't like them.  Weakness, indecision, inability to do, just total sloth material.  Not so much a part of who I am and how I operate is it?

I was reading and came across this phrase 'cease striving'.  Interesting isn't it.  Just take a second and think about it.  What do we strive for?  Others.  OTHERS!  We strive to be better parents, spouses, leaders, employees, volunteers, kids, gardeners, cooks...... We have issues- or at least I do.

I've spent so much of my journey striving to make sure people knew what was going on with me, what my journey was, and bringing them along with me if they so choose.  I believe very strongly that God compelled me to do this thru my writing, or my talking, or my being present and fighting thru cancer, even for the 3rd time.  And I don't feel relieved of this task.  I feel I have an additional task to perform.

Cease striving..... Just really got me thinking.  Am I striving to be closer with you or with God?  I mean I know what I want the answer to be.... but that isn't always what it is.  Sometimes the writing I post is all God- I don't even remember writing some completely.  But not always (like the previous one).  It's so much easier to talk to you because you talk directly back to me.  I don't get those got 'back talks' from God.  I am working on it tho.

The reading continues to explain that  God wants to spend time with us, often more time than we want to spend with him.  He still speaks to those who will listen to him.  And I'll be so brutal right now- I don't know if I am able to listen because my mind never seems clear.  It is so hard to take time and be still and listen.  And I am not sure I want to hear the answer. I don't want to hear you'll be ok, no matter what.  All that means is even if I were to loose this battle, I still win when I get to Heaven.  And I understand that.  I am just not in such a hurry to get there.  I want to hear you're going to be ok and have another 40 years here to enjoy your grandchildren and family.  But do I want to be here in constant suffering. Um that answer is no in case you didn't know.

So I cease striving to make this all about 'our' journey and more about my journey with God and wrestling with him over cancer, over earthly life and over health and fear and death and faith and whatever else comes to mind.  At least I'm not afraid to wrestle with him.  Did you know you can ask questions and wrestle with God.  It's actually allowed.

And so I will practice listening to God.  That takes time which means I will have to figure out how to take the time to concentrate and hear him.  I really do not know how to stop and take time.  I just don't. I think I have my 'place' to go and listen but now I need the ears and the heart to hear.

So here's to learning to change.  And continuing to strive to hear God's still small voice thru the bullfrogs and the crickets and the bats..... That's where I'm going to find it.  I just know it.

Love to all.  Feeling better so I am refusing to do too much.  So HARD but so necessary!  One reason I was so tired is my WBC count was low, one portion in particular, and rest is really all you can do for it.  So hopefully I rested it away for a bit, can do a few things, then continue to rest each day.  With school being out it does make it so much easier.

Love,
Vicki

Why I shouldn't blog on a bad day

I guess I don't get to choose too much in life, but I did get to choose to go to Chile with my two oldest children.  That was a good choice.  Of course God was totally in charge of it, allowing us to raise the $5000 needed for the 3 of us to go.  So many people to thank, so many people who used my business to help us get there too.

I would like to go back now.

My devotion said to give God control of my thoughts and he will give me life and peace.  Peace is but a faint light around the moon right now, and life seems, well, unlovely.  It's is funny tho how when you  are holed up in a place you don't want to be your mind stays focused on the reasons you are there.  All I can manage is a possible shower, sit on the couch and watch TV, falling into and out of sleep the whole day.  No baseball.  Did you hear that.  That one is killing me.  But my counts are quite low and I am trying to be a good girl.  And I  have been- just not with my thoughts.  But my thoughts are being held captive right now and the real, true and loving ones are just stuck underneath the rubble that is....

They'll be back soon....

What Cancer Cannot Do

That is what my newest t-shirt is about.

Cancer is so limited......
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot destroy confidence, 
It cannot shut out memories,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot eat away peace,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot reduce eternal life,
It cannot quench the Spirit.

Isn't that just an awesome way to say so much about cancer?  Whether you've had it or loved someone who has, these little sayings are they things we grasp on to.  Because these are the things we can control a bit.

But my heart is not there this time, even tho I KNOW that this is for but a minute, that the cancer is microscopic, that this is not the time it is going to 'get' me, my heart is just lying and lying and lying to me.

God has been so full of blessings for us.  He has kept me so busy with scanning that it is remarkable.  Almost too busy if there is such a thing.  And that is because I still have trouble taking time to rest.  Shocking I know.  But I also know that I HAVE to.  I have to yet I don't.  Familiar theme.

Singing "Mighty to Save" on Sunday was really hard.  All things I know about God, yet all things my heart is just not feeling.  My mountain isn't going away.  It's getting bigger.  My anxiety isn't going away, it's getting worse.

And then there is 'Jesus Calling' today that says:

I am all around you, like a cocoon of Light.  My Presence with you is a promise, independent of your awareness of Me.  Many things can block this awareness, but the major culprit is worry.  My children tend to accept worry as an inescapable fact of life.  However, worry is a form of unbelief, it is anathema to Me.

Who is in charge of you life?  If it is you, then you have good reason to worry.  But if it is I, then worry is both unnecessary and  counterproductive.  When you start to feel anxious about something, relinquish the situation to Me.  Back off a bit, redirecting your focus to Me.  I will either take care of the problem Myself of show you how to handle it.  In the world you will have problems, but you need not lose sight of Me. 

There has yet to be a day when this devotional hasn't called me out or slapped me up!  I love it.  I just don't know how to get to the place I need to be this time.  I'm wandering.  Not flailing in my faith or belief I don't think.  Just so tired of fighting, of hurting, of not exercising and or not being able to do the things I wish to do, like garden, or walk, or play physically with the kids (I'm a rough houser by nature. Oldest of 3 daughters I've had to assert my dominance since forever because my sisters are tough nuts.)

Chemo number 2 is today.  But my CA125 is 59, down from 107 so that is very good news.  Maybe this one will knock it out of the body- for good.  Ovarian Cancer is just so scary.  All cancers are, but this cancer is aggressive and often doesn't let it's victims free from its grip.  I want freedom- body, mind, spirit.  I need and covet your prayers for me and my family.  Thank you.

So that is how I feel.  Glad you asked, right?  It will get better, this I know.  Yes, I do know.  I'll let God wash over me today as I sit, all day, with healing poison rushing thru my body killing the cancer cells that are there.  Lord, let it flow to every place that a cancer cell lives and may it kill them forever.

Onward we fight, LB,

Vicki

Jesus: The One Who Endured

Depending on what Bible you have or are using there are little side stories or insights into life, into Jesus.  I came across this when I was doing my devotional, at 5am again today.  Up at 4:30 again today.  Quite annoying, however I think it was the plan all along.  This is an excerpt from my Bible, the Max Lucado Life Lessons Study Bible: I did not write this...

Consider this admonition from the author of Hebrews: "Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us" Hebrews 12:1

Had golf existed in the New Testament era, I'm sure the writers would have spoken of mulligans and foot wedges, but it didn't, so they wrote about running.  The word RACE is from the Greek AGOM, from which we get the word AGONY.  The Christians's race is not a jog but rather a demanding and grueling, sometimes agonizing race.  It takes a massive effort to finish strong.

Likely you've noticed that many don't?  Surely you've observed there are many on the side of the trail?  They used to be running.  There was a time when they kept the pace.  But then weariness set in.  They didn't think the run would be this tough.  Or they were discouraged by a bump and daunted by a fellow runner.  Whatever the reason, they don't run anymore.  They may be Christians.  They may come to church.  They may put a buck in the plate and warm a pew, but their hears aren't in the race.  They retired before their time.  Unless something changes, their best work will have been their first work, and they will finish with a whimper.

By contrast, Jesus' best work was His final work, and His strongest step was His last step.  Our Master is the classic example of one who endured.  The writer of Hebrews goes on to say that Jesus "endured such hostility from sinners against Himself".  The Bible says Jesus 'endured," implying that Jesus could have "let go."  The runner could have given up, sat down, gone home.  He could have quit the race.  But He didn't.  He "endured such hostility from sinners against Himself. (From Just Like Jesus by Max Lucado) 

I believe that answers the question why right there.  We will endure something. It might be life changing or altering, or maybe even life taking.  It may last, it may not.  But we are promised a race of endurance.  Maybe it's our race, maybe our children's, maybe our parents or our spouse.  Maybe it's a friend you love deeply.

I really hate running- I mean I HATE running.  If there isn't a bleeding child involved it just isn't going to happen.  But running comes in many forms doesn't it.  We can run to, or from.  I've never been much of a 'from' runner.  I more or less pursue the thing... I'm sick that way.

As much as I want this cancer race to end, it obviously isn't supposed to yet.  Let me run.  There's somewhere God wants me to be, something he wants me to do, all in the name of Him.  Catch me doing it for me and smack me up.  This isn't about me. THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME.  (parts are, I know, like being taken care of, but that's not what I mean here)  It's about a race I've been allowed to race.  I have listened to God and raced 'out loud' just like He told me to back in 2008.  I don't know how much more loudly I am supposed to live it, but I am listening for that answer.

So if you're running with me I just can't thank you enough.  The words I have for you are petty in comparison to how my heart feels toward the help, the meals, the going outs, the cards, the hugs.  Nothing can replace those.  If you've chosen to run with someone else that is awesome too.  But run with someone because sooner or later, we are going to have to run with you.  It's a promise.

Much love,

Vicki

Flowers or Weeds

I have been going out each morning after taking the kids to school/bus stops and picking flowers for myself to put into the kitchen.  My mom gave me these fabulous white Peony bushes, and between the 3 gardens I have, many more flowers can be found.

Last year weeding was just not on the priority list.  Being rediagnosed in May left little time to tend to gardens of flowers.  But Shelly and I did manage to fix up the largest of them.  Actually, Shelly fixed it- I had a front seat driver position.  This garden happens to be full of many of her plants I received because she was moving her flower beds a few years back.  That bed has our bench-the bench I really only sit on with my girlfriends.

The middle garden is the one that was so very neglected.  It was more a grass garden.  After this years rediagnosis, I started weeding it.  It went something like this.  Oh, that's a weed-pull hard, whip weed across the yard.  Ah, another one-pull weed, get the root! Smile. Whip it across the yard.  You get the picture.  This garden used to have beautiful hostas that were HUGE and gorgeous.  Our lovely deer had huge brain farts and decided they were food.  They ate them, for 2 years straight, before they even matured to their huge size.  And normally, I'm ok with that because they eat them after they have bloomed, after the hummingbirds come home to me, after the beauty of the flowering plant has passed.  Stinking deer.

This year I have to keep these gardens in tip top shape!  We have a graduation next summer.  (Yes I did just get a stomach ache).  I want my gardens to be pretty.  Pure and simple selfish ambition.  But some of my friends are helping with.

I am also determined to plant a veggie garden.  DETERMINED.  I have my seeds and will be getting them started today.  Then the kids have about 4 days to finally complete preparing the area I want to use for the garden.  Not that it's been 3 years or anything....

The flowers I have been picking are Iris's, daisies, flox, and weeds.  There are so many super gorgeous flowering weeds.  The orange, some white and some yellow weeds just add so much to my very purple floral arrangement.

So I was thinking about how much a weed compliments a flower.  I am not sure, in human terms who the flowers are or who the weeds are but I suspect we are both at times in our lives.  At this point, I'm a flower, high maintenance, not easily grown, and constantly need to be reminded about the beauty all around me.  And man am I thankful for all the beauty that has become my source of comfort and help.  I suppose Jesus is the ultimate flower, and we are all his little weeds.  To me and my life and situation you are all flowers or weeds to me.  Some of you are good at the high maintenance aspect of the cancer journey, and others are weeds, here to help, to make me feel better, look better, smile more and recognize true beauty.

Thank you Lord for the true beauty of your creation.  Thank you that we are able, with your help and the help of others, to tend to our gardens as needed, picking weeds, pruning, planting and growing those beautiful traits of yours, making them ours.  I thank you for making me both a weed and a flower.  My happy place is as a weed.  But my current place is as a flower.  Help me Lord to accept that and to flourish in it, and to take very seriously the need for me to be a flower, to need others.  And Lord, thank you so much for my weeds.  They are so beautiful.

Vicki

Feeling like talking

I know it's been just a super long time since I've let you know how I am doing.  Tomorrow is one week after chemo.  The day after Chemo was not fun-not the worst, but yucky.  Saturday Shelly and Teri came over.  Shelly did some flower planting and Teri cleaned for me.  What a blessing.  I can hang out on the porch and have beautiful flowers around me.  Of course the umbrella was left open, which I know better than to do but it looked so pretty because I had tea lights holders hanging from it.  Well, it blew off.  Barely 2 weeks old.... But I hear they are on sale at ACE so I'll be heading there today.

How am I feeling?  Almost normal.  Not the energy level normal or the physical exertion normal, but my body feels normal except for the bone aches.  It's strange but I like it!  I expect my hair to move on next Saturday.  It's odd that it is getting curlier with each day that passes.  So very strange.  I am thinking about cutting it short and spiky soon before it falls out.  I am hoping if it's shorter I won't loose it.  Wishful thinking, but what's wrong with a couple wishes.

So how am I?  I think fine.  I'm laying low, being good, eating well and not doing too much.  Not so easy that last one.  The kids have been good helpers when needed.  I have missed a few bball games for both boys, but that is part of it.  Austin only has 2 more games this week, and Jay is done the week after school is out.

If I have another treatment it will be on June 8.  I'll have blood work done the day or two before to get the CA 125.  If it is low enough there is a possibility that I won't have to have another treatment.  I have mixed feelings about that.  I haven't been willing to look up the information I need to help make the decision.  I'll probably just call Chris and see what she thinks.

A big thank you for FOOD! Awesome Chicken soup, beef stew, chicken enchiladas, chicken and rice and corn on the cob, a roast and stuffed peppers.  Wow.  Thank you so very much.  I've learned we may not need food everynight if we have another go round. But my freezer has some really great left overs for meals within the next couple weeks.  Mom will come and help me clean freezers and the fridge and organize it a bit and meal plan with me.  That's something new!

Then I saw the garage sale on the 9th in Romeo..... Do we even try it?  I'm thinking maybe yes. So much stuff to get rid of but I am not sure if it enough for a sale.  But maybe I could get rid of some of the clothes I've been hanging onto for so many years for Jay.  We'll see.

So words inspired by God- none really.  Just an update on me.  I do have 2 scanning jobs right now so that is pretty awesome.  A graduation DVD and and larger photo scanning with albums.  Busy is good tho.

Have a great sun shiny day.  Go plant some flowers.

Vicki