A box of china

My brother in laws dad died friday night in his sleep.  This is Sue's husbands father.  Yeah, quite overwhelming.  Larry was an awesome man and child of God.  He knew almost literally every person in St. Louis.  Mail carrier, fire chief, church janitor.  Everyone went to Larry when they needed help.
Tuesday, the funeral, was brutal.  It was the first time being with Bob and his family since Sue died.  The girls and Renee spent hours going thru the 'pretties' that were Sue's, her mom's or grandmothers and painstakingly chose dishes and linens and such for each girl/family.  I got to take my box home that day.

As I unpacked it today to see what the girls saved for me I just felt so loved.  A glass bowl with flower shaped edges, and a tray  to match.  Dishes with beautiful pink flowers.  A candy dish (now filled with sour patch kids extreme) sits on a doily on the new counters, and it belongs.  We used the plates for dinner tonight.  And I loved it.  Silly, but I did.  Sue loved her pretty things and was sentimental about them.  I don't usually follow the sentimental pattern, but I always want a piece of Sue with me.

When I found out about  Bobs dad I had quite the tailspin of a day.  All the anguish and sadness and grief I had not let out in a while came out.  And it wasn't a pretty sight.  My eyes were swollen for 2 days.  But I needed that.  I needed time alone crying viciously because of my grief over loosing Sue, my sister and friend.  My confidant at times.  My go to girl for prayer and encouragement.  The feelings were so intense.

What delight the china brought to me.  Washing it, displaying it, using it.  It just seems so natural.  And all the doilies and hankies- so pretty.  Not sure what to do with hankies tho....

The good news is we made it thru without too many tears.  I made it without any until I went into the bathroom and washed my hands and there was one of the many verses she had written throughout the house.  Came out crying just because I saw her writing.  She loved Jesus so.

But now she has a new family member up there in heaven and the angels are rejoicing.

But I have my china, and for now, that will have to do until I see her face again.

So nothing serious.  Just a joyous box of china, here to remind of Sue's sweetness, courage, and lifesong each and every day.

Love your family.

Vicki

Walking

Talking a walk in North Carolina last week was so beautiful.  The sun was shining, something I hadn't seen in a while.  And it was a bit brisk out, but the sun, the birds and some greenery made it quite lovely.  My sister is a runner, so she was running the trails while I walked for a bit.

There was a river, Falls of Neuse River, that runs alongside the trail and since my body is behind schedule in the exercise/buff department I decided to take a little break.  I traipsed thru the brush to find a good log to sit on and just watched the water flow by.  I noticed some of the trees that had fallen into the river, others just hanging over ready to go down with the next good storm.  And then others that stood upright and strong.  But the best ones were the pricker trees, green with leaves.  Leaves with tiny prickles on the end of each curve.

So on the log I sat, listening to some praise and worship on the ipod, when No More Tears came on.  That's a song I want to put on Sweet Sue's celebration DVD.  But I got a bit teary.  As I looked at the river I envisioned my weeping as those trees that had fallen into the river, suffering as the trees ready to fall during the next storm, and the trees that stood upright as the praises from us to our God, our Jesus, our friend, our savior.

Then the pricker tree leaves intrigued me.  Beautiful and green, curved, yet at each curve was a thorn.

Considering the last few months of my life, including the lives of the people I love and adore and support with my heart, it's been less than awesome.

With every upward curve, a thorn.

Disease, death, death, death, divorce, friends with cancer, money, teen drama, hip and back pain, car accidents, weight gain, tests.... Just when I feel I'm on an upswing, that darn thorn is right there.  I feel like I am green and blossoming- then life throws the curves and that darn thorn is there.  Do I prick myself or do I trust?

John 6:39 MSG  This, in a nutshell, is that will: that everything handed over to me by the Father be completed-not a single detail missed-and at the wrap-up of time I have everything and everyone put together, upright and whole.

Ps 18:24  I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step.

Malachi 2:6  He taught the truth and did not lie.  He walked with me in peace and uprightness.  He kept many out of the ditch, kept them on the road. 

Ps 41:12  You know me inside and out, you hold me together, you never fail to stand me tall in your presence so I can look you in the eye. 

Ps 97:11  Light-seeds are planted in the souls of God's people, joy-seeds are planted in good heart-soil. 

Good heart soil is where joy is planted, but you can't have the joy without the light, without being one of God's people.  I spoke of being sideways in my last blog.  But I am realizing how important it is to keep upright, horizontal in our position, love and trust of Jesus.  Not  a single detail will be missed and when our time is up we will be completely put back together and whole and upright.

Circumstances will always be around and make us feel sideways, crooked, lopsided.  But we have a choice as to how we will stand in the middle of those circumstances.  We have a choice.  Notice he keeps many out of the ditch (pit) and on the road.   That river wasn't much more than a ditch.  Some of the trees fell in never to be rescued, others are on the brink and the rest are upright, perhaps protecting the others, perhaps certain of their purpose.

I've been all those trees, except the ones that don't get rescued.  And my life is a pricker tree leaf.  It's alive and beautiful, but has many curves and thorns in its design.  I choose to be the upright tree, protecting my friends and family from the inevitable worldly desires that creep so slowly into our lives. And I want to stop landing on thorns with every curve that life throws.  The curves should be expected.  And the thorns, well they are a choice.  I choose to use the thorns against the one who is trying to prick me-take that you devil you.

You get it? Explain it to me......

Much Love,

Vicki

On the flip side

Since Sunday I have been just a bit consumed with how quickly life goes by us.  As Jayson and I were doing donuts on M53, which didn't look bad to me in that big truck, I realized that my precious little one was really in some possible trouble.  I know how to drive- I'm a really good driver.  But driving a truck and driving an all wheel drive are not the same my friends.  So there we were, circling around and I say to Jay hang on honey, something is going to happen, it's going to be ok.  LIAR!
I couldn't look at him at that moment of course because I was trying to right the truck, to no avail.  I think I let go of the wheel but kept my foot on the brake (yes, yes, I know... now....) and in we went to the middle berm and just toppled over.  My bible bag and all it's contents fell all over me and onto the window- sort of a funny thing.  You know, Gods word all over me and the truck.
Thankfully Jay was on the passenger side and the drivers side is what was now facing the ground.  I looked up at him and asked if he was ok.  Oh his precious face.  Ever seen that boy quiet?  He was shaking but said he was fine, and "It's ok mom, I have my 3ds.   It didn't fall."  His favorite possession at the moment.
Not a moment went by when there were several people at the scene making sure we were ok, asking questions.  I gave a thumbs up, not really believing we were so unhurt.  I am literally texting my friends at church, since they would be worried when I didn't show up.  As I was texting one person came to the windshield.  He was upright.  He looked so strange from my vantage point.  But I focused on his eyes, and got myself back to reality.  So Trevor helped talk me through some things to do.  They had me pop the back end and they went and got Jay first, of course.  Then I say, "I'm sorry, I'm not the lightest person on earth," and he says it's ok he is quite strong.  So ridiculous I am... But how sweet he was.  When I got out of the truck Jay was way over on the other side of the berm with a sweet mom and he was just looking at me like are you sure you're ok mommy.  So I went over and we hugged and I assured him I was fine, trying to make light of the overturned truck we had just walked out of.
The calvary was there very quickly, as there were 3 other accidents within a 2 mile distance.  I didn't get a ticket so I believe I didn't do anything reckless, thank God.  We did not go to the hospital even tho since the accident 10 years ago I always swore I would.  But we had nothing wrong at all.  Not to worry, the medical part is still open!  The paramedics talked to us for quite a while and waited until the tow truck came and then off they went to another accident scene.
Next came my girlfriends from church.  Now mind you I said I was in a crash.  Well, whatever.  Symantics.  They were more than a little sickened by the sight of the truck on its side.  We waited in the car until Tim got there.  My husbands truck.  It was good to see him.  And to be honest if that had happened in my car I know the hospital would have been our next stop!
One phrase has been teasing me- on the wings of a prayer.
Several people saw or were praying for me that morning.... HM.
I believe I might be the definition of on the wings of a prayer.  Or even Bon Jovi's 'Living on a prayer' song.  Makes me giggle a bit.
On the flip side, all your belongings fall on top of you and land at your side.  On the flip side you look up and your loved ones are suspended in air by the saving 'arms' of a seat belt.  On the flip side you walk on the edge where the door and windows come together to get out of the back of the truck.  On the flip side people just throw stuff out of your car to save you.  The flip side is looking ahead and seeing you are crooked and others are not.  The flip side makes you thankful for people teaching you to stand upright, to get your footing right, to help.  The flip side seems unreal, not in real time, feels like a dream or nightmare coming true.  I think I'm still a little flipped, but I am trying to figure out how to stand tall- with help and prayer and knowledge of what God does want from this flipped out lover of His soul.  He doesn't want me yet, obviously.  But I must say, I am tired of being on the flip side.  It's been a dwelling place these last few years- whether my own hard stuff or my family and friends hard stuff.  My balance is off and I am crooked.  He's got me tho:

Thank you Lord for keeping Jayson and me safe, that our truck hit nothing and hurt no one, and for the people you sent to help us.  Thank you for my friends and family who love me so much they would risk that drive to make sure they saw with their own eyes that we were ok.  And thank you for whatever you did to keep us unharmed.  Your hands or angels.  I praise you for that.  And thank you to the 2 friends that were praying at that moment.  That is amazing to know that you were asking them to pray and they did.  Thank you thank you.

Much love, but live right side up, will you please.  I need you to keep me from flipping again!

Vicki

Broken Food Processors

Today has been a hectic day- not so much in the things that we did. It was just heavy today. The whole week has been like that. Back MRI last Monday all to find out there is really nothing that can be done. Worried about sitting on a plane for 9 hours. But excited to do so. Finishing up a couple scanning jobs, getting a new one- all good again. So good. But realizing that it is almost 1 month since Sue died and still not really 'feeling' it which feels like something that just doesn't seem right. In light of Sue and of Chile and of cancer I wanted to get some healthy food in the house for me. I know you won't believe this, but I could become a health nut fairly easily. But I can't eat healthy if I don't have the food. So a few veggies later I have a huge veggie tray. But not until I had to defeat the beast of annoyance and the stupid food processors. My friend made good salsa so I asked for the recipe. It's my favorite veggie! So I bought the items, got them all into my food processor- and I do mean all the ingredients, plugged it in and saw tomato juice all over the counter. It was leaking and it wouldn't work. So yeah, take the bowl off, place it in the sink, clean up, throw away the processor. I have a descent blender so I was getting that out to use instead, when it slipped from my hand and broke onto the really nice wood floor- glass. UG. So I pick up the large shards and get it all thrown out, vacuum the remaining pieces and realize all I have left for options is to call someone and ask to borrow one or the other. But, gee I just wasn't in the mood to call anyone..... So I used my baby food processor. Not even kidding. Dumped each batch into a big bowl and mixed it all up. It tastes too tomato'y' but it's pretty good. I'm feeling like the leaking food processor. I'm squished with pain, physical and emotional, a deep whole in my heart, and a few issues with family that are HUGE. I have friends getting cancer, people who are cutting themselves off from the world as a part of their battle, and I have no understanding of how that helps anyone. The worst news being that Alex has a tumor in his bladder. It is not known what it is yet. But- well if you know me at all I don't even need to continue. Each issue is not about me- not something I have any control in whatsoever- a hard lesson I learned a while back. But oh how I just want to help. I want to help my friend who lost her husband. I want to help some acquaintances with their cancer journey. I want to save my sisters. I want to save Alex. I feel trapped in that food processor and the only way out is to ooze, and possibly break. I can't figure out if my emotions are trapped or just broken into shards on the floor. I look at the picture of Suzy Q, hear her say "so, what cha doing?" and just can't believe that smile is gone from this earth. I'm scared I didn't do enough for her- understand her enough, talk to her enough. I loved her enough, respected and adored her enough and spent time with her enough. She was one of my greatest friends and supporters. Food Processors are supposed to bring all the ingredients together to make a superb salsa, full of flavors and goodness. That's what I want my life to be like. But today, but for a while, I'm just seeping out, unable to combine or even define the ingredients that make me who I am. I'm broken. But I won't throw myself away! Nice reprieve on its way next weekend with a night away with 3 friends. And one really fun afternoon had with a couple ladies making one of the coolest crafts ever. Now before you worry too much you need to know that I know this is just a temporary feeling. I get that. I even get that it is kinda normal. And I love your responses. Love, Vicki, Polly, Esther

Gathering Hope

It just won't leave me alone, this gathering hope idea. So I decided to see what the bible has to say about hope. Here's a good one:

For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope. Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

So I see this hope gathering didn't start with me. That whole old testament- all that time before Christ died for us, was written for us, so we could gather scripture together to maintain hope. This scripture is found under the heading of Bearing Others' Burdens, in Romans 15:4-6. God is trying to clear up some of my stinkin thinkin right here and now. He expects us to comfort and be patient with one another, and like minded (which may explain why I share a brain with more that a few people). We should be thinking alike, in Jesus name and under His direction. Romans 15:13 continues;

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit

 Until we have hope in our hears and minds and living and breathing thru us we cannot have the joy and peace of believing. Maybe we can't believe fully until we understand the place that hope must have within us. I don't know. I know that Sweet Sue clung to hope. I always thought to myself hey, you know what- if this is how she dies, living in the hope that only God can give us, then where is the problem? She was a great woman with great faith and hope for everlasting life. No matter how it ended for her, she won. Hope won. We loose, which is what I wrestle with. We hoped she would get that new heart. We believed she would, that it was the natural next step. A heart attack was not on the list of things to happen next. I don't know why- it doesn't matter and she wouldn't want us hung up on that. I just know she had enough hope to make it until December 30, 2011. Hope for myself is a whole different story. I just expect to get cancer again. It's like it's just calloused inside me. It's probably defense mechanisms so I can cope if it does happen again. I don't know how to gather hope for myself. I know how to gather hope when I am with others. I know how to give hope to others. And I know that I need hope. And to some extent I do. I believe and am full of joy and peace almost always. I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit. I believe in healing. I just don't know what the plan is for my healing is all..... So maybe that is what I need to concentrate on- Hoping for God's plan to play out in my life and for me to remain in his grace with peace and joy no matter what the next month has in store for me. So here's to gathering and abounding in hope. When we can't do it for ourselves, we let others help us. It's commanded of us. Go give hope.

Kitchen Quotes

My kitchen has become my very favorite room. We were recently able to put in the most gorgeous granite counter tops. This after 10 years of an actual hole in the countertop due to moving cupboards around when the flooring got put in. I actually stopped noticing it. So did the people who spent the most time here! Now that's just sad. We also got to have the rest of the baseboards painted, took down a cupboard and it has just become my little spot. I even moved my computer in here. It's where I have my ipod playing my Christian tunes. It's my Christian room. Do you have one too?
On every wall there is something that has a bible verse on it. It's the room that is completely filled with truth and love. I have inspirational sayings like REJOICE and CELEBRATE LIFE and DELIGHT IN THE BEAUTY THAT SURROUNDS YOU an LIVE EVERY MOMENT, LAUGH EVERY DAY, LOVE BEYOND WORDS which is a picture frame and has a picture of Tim and I in it. It is the picture you see on my home page. I also have a wall hanging explaining GRACE as THE OVERFLOWING BLESSINGS AND GENEROUS FAVOR THAT COME FROM THE HAND OF GOD.
I also have bible verses, in my plants, on wall hangings, on my divet, on my windows.... I have Proverbs 24:3,4: By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established, and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. Proverbs 21:31: Victory belongs to the Lord. Proverbs 3:5: Trust in the Lord with all your heart. 1Peter 5:1: Cast all your anxiety upon Him because He cares for you. Hebrews 13:8: Jesus is the same yesterday and today and yes forever. And Psalm 18:30: As for God, His way is perfect.
Impressive isn't it....
Some new ones I bought today: WHERE THERE IS LOVE THERE IS LIFE; LIVE, LOVE LAUGH (I actually did not have that one yet); SHARE FAITH, OFFER PRAYER, GATHER HOPE.
That last one I found quite interesting. Gather hope. Like it isn't just something you can run out and grab. You have to take time and gather it. Gathering is always faster when you have some help. I like to gather with my friends. But until I read that I never really saw that when I get to do that I am filled with more hope, and love, and usually laughter. Hope is something that takes time to accumulate, time to believe, and time to share. Without hope, you can't love, laugh, or live a joyful life. Without hope you can't Rejoice. Without hope you can't see the love that is lavished on us from Jesus. All the verses above- they all express hope: hope for victory, trust, caring, perfection (thru Jesus only), and for family.
When you gather together, don't forget to bring the hope that sustains you. Don't forget to share it. Hope is a cornerstone of your faith, and faith is the only way to love and live life fully.
I have found a new life verse- for now.... "Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ." Ephesians 5:2 and I am going to get a tattoo that shows that verse. I am thinking a ring tattoo. That won't be too crazy when I am old. I envision a heart bursting with the blossoms of hope- one pink, for my breast cancer survivor friends, one teal for my ovarian cancer survival, and one red, for heart disease- in remembrance of my Sweet Sue. The heart stands for the life of love, the blossom for the hope in Christ.
I wish my kitchen was as Christian as it appears, and that all the conversation was just lovely and worthy and full of the love of Jesus. But I have 2 teenagers, and an 8 year old. The kitchen is a place of action- wrestling matches, food fights, yelling, crying and laughing. It is definitely not all Christian all the time. But of course neither am I. I know, I had you fooled didn't I?
Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love. That's because without Faith and Hope, you can't love.
Believe, Hope, and Love will be sure to follow.
Believe the truth, Hope in Jesus and His Love will carry you.
Believe that the Faith you have and the Hope that comes from it will fill your heart with the Love that only Jesus can provide you with.
Love is the greatest of these, because it can be the hardest to do.
Love well my friends. And they will know you are a Christ Follower; a Jesus Freak; and Bible Thumper.
I can live with those perceptions.

The Season of NOISE!

We went out to dinner tonight, a nice time with just Tim and Jay and I. Abbi and Austin were too teenagery to want to join us, so we left them. HA!

We went to a local restaurant where there 23 big flat screen televisions, more individual tv's on some tables, and 3 HUGE screen tv's. On each tv was a sports show or a news show, not every tv had a different show. It is the perfect ADD restaurant. I looked around an noticed not a single tv tuned to a conservative station at all. And the noise level was astounding. And two smokers had to put their cigarette butts in an ashtray outside our window, looked at me, and I just wanted to point to my head and say 'hey, that causes cancer and cancer sucks", which I have been known to do.

This time of year has so much stuff to do. There's just so much that I don't think anyone can come out of it unscathed by the stress and anxiety of having family and friends over or attending work functions, or going to friends and families houses. While it's beautiful, it's also crazy.

23 tv's. Different stations. Loud. Add a tv at the table to keep the youngsters entertained and you have the perfect environment to pick a tv and watch it instead of talking with your spouse. Now that's not what we did but you could watch people doing that. It was overwhelming. The noise. Oh my goodness.

But it got me thinking about the noise in our lives. I have friends and family going thru so much that sometimes I can't even hear the needs of myself or my own family. Marriages unravelling, friends/acquaintances having to go thru cancer treatments, friends suffering from extreme loneliness an depression, friends who need medications to cope with their bi polar tendencies who won't get the help they need, friends who have lost their spouse. It's so noisy.

I got to turn the noise down a bit this afternoon when I lunched with 3 friends, relaxed, did an 'easy' craft and then left to get stuff for a friend, go to Jays class for Santa Shop, run home to do some more laundry, not have to cook (YAY), having the kitchen completed for us (YAY) but running straight back into the noise.

This is supposed to be a season of rejoicing and loving and caring and giving. That is not noisy. Where does the stress come from when we are celebrating the birth of our Jesus. How is that stressful? We have to decorate, we have to get the tree out, we have to put up the lights, we have to, we have to, we have to.....

What we have to do is sit and read the story. Sit and absorb the GIFT that was given to us. Sit and contemplate that the birth led to the life, led to the ministry, led to the miracles, led to the betrayal, led to the death, led to the resurrection and leads to our salvation. That is not noise. That is the ocean waves against the sea shore, the raindrops on the roof, the roses in the garden, the deer walking thru the yard. It should be natural for us to want to sit and contemplate the deepest gift of love ever given, a birth with a mission and purpose designed by God. A son born to die to live so we can live. That is what this is about.

When the noise gets too loud and you can't hear the truth, sit down and contemplate the most love ever given to you. It is truly an amazing gift. Don't miss it. Don't let it escape. You can't buy it but you can give it. Go and share that love and spread what this season is really about. The birth of a savior who is Christ our King. It is CHRISTmas time. Merry Christmas.

Love well, love many, and love for keeps.