Seedling

This is a picture that was in the bathroom at the doctors office.  It's a new doctor who does natural medicine.  I looked at it and immediately thought wow, thats it.  That is exactly how I feel right now.

That day I received my first High Dose Vitamin C IV, and was pretty excited to find someone close by who could do them.  I had been researching it for quite some time, found out my MD's are pro natural complimentary therapies, and that made me happy too.

But that is not what I want to talk about tonight.

Tonight it is this picture.

A raw portrait of a woman in the process of an emotional spiral.

It doesn't always take much to start the spiral, and other times it takes forever to reach the end of it.  That is what has happened to me this time around with having to go thru chemo again.  4 times?  Why?  It's been a really brutal emotional battle.  A battle to be strong, to have courage, to feel alive and vibrant, to feel anything at all, to be excited for all the graduation fun, to feel loved by God.  

Oh I really miss that feeling.

Oh I'm happy to be at the end of this spiral.

A brilliant friend of mine suggested that the emotion I've been feeling is grief.  I just looked at her and commented that I thought she was right.

If we go thru the series of events, it all makes sense.  After treatments last spring it was explained that my cancer would now be considered a chronic illness and would be treated like a chronic illness.  That means continual treatment.... 

Last fall God did do a miracle in me, by using me and food and a serious change in eating which made my cancer number came down.  And although I continued with much of the diet and still do, within a few months my miracle was gone.  I didn't get to be a miracle anymore.  The problem was that I really thought that the cancer was gone-that's the miracle I believed I had gotten.  But then January came, and so did the high number.  I did NOT want to go thru chemo.  Period.  I just didn't want to.  Period.  Lots of reasons, but mostly because of Barbara.  I didn't want her exchange experience to get even worse.  We had just 'rescued' her.... So, I wanted to find a reasonable compromise.  I realized that Avastin is used during my chemo treatments to help keep the tumors from growing, why not try it now.  I didn't have a tumor, it's just microscopic.  So I got to try just the Avastin, which was an amazing alternative!  And for 6 months it kept my number down, not within range, but down.

Until it didn't.

I hate spring.

So yes, I've been grieving.  I lost a miracle.  That's how it felt.  I felt unworthy, cheated, unloved, and my faith was challenged.  How can I believe He's for me when nothing in this particular journey has been good, except for that short term miracle, which was taken away.  It's sad.  I was sad.  I am sad.

David Carnes, um, you woke me up today.  I missed every song this morning.  That never makes me happy.  I listened to a good sermon, one that could be two teachings, the one for today, and one for the serious crisis.  But Davids words, nobody has had a harder life than Christ- being forsaken by his Father.  Now that's an emotional spiral just waiting to happen.  He used real examples from our congregation who have horribly terrible lives right now.  Just so personal.  For me it was what I needed to hear.  A reminder that this life is hard for everyone. Period.

In this world you will have trouble but be brave!  I have defeated the world.  John 16:33

And there it is.  The truth.  I've always known this and always believed that even tho our struggles are different, some harder by earthly standards than others, struggles are hard!  Life is hard.  Is your life easy?  There are things some of you are going thru that would make me curl up into a ball and cry....

Which brings us back to the portrait.  She could be at the beginning of her downward spiral, and the beginning of her struggle.

She could be at the end of the spiral, ready to stand up and get going on healing and fighting to make it thru the struggle, with the One who has been thru it all before us.  Today that portrait looks like a woman preparing for her battle.  She is done with tears and unhealthy emotions.  She's about to stand and dress for battle.

She is a seedling, finally rooting in the pure soil of God's truth, and about to bloom in her faith because of her struggle.

Her "Faith is in Bloom".

Now that's a 5 year circle my friends.

I'm fragile, I'm weak, I'm scared, I'm furious, I'm down hearted, I'm grieving.  I realize now that I still have my miracle.  A miracle is a miracle.  They aren't all forever, some are for a moment.  I've had some good moments.  Few, in this particular journey, but they've happened.  So I reclaim my miracle. I also reclaim my faith.  I may be starting lower in the faith department for right now, but I'm going to make an effort to bloom again.

Just call me a wildflower... Mine have just started blooming in the garden.

Bloom where you are planted is a saying I've always loved.  It sucks being planted in cancer, but for God, for plans he has to use this, I'll bloom.  That's my job.  He told me that 5 years ago.  Live this out loud and honestly.  I can't promise good moods all the time, or a smile everyday, but I can promise to do what God has asked.

Wildflower in Bloom

Playing with curls

I can't seem to keep my fingers out of my hair.  I'm twisting it, pulling the curls, loving how they feel, loving the memories of them.  It's been 5 years since they have returned to my head.
I think that is part of the reason I am having such a hard time knowing they will be gone in 3 weeks.  And I am convinced that the curls do cause cancer.  Simply convinced.
So if you haven't heard, I begin Chemo again on the 24th.  When you step back and look at it, I did get 7 months extra- thank you Avastin.  I wanted to have an awesome graduation party before I got sick.  I wanted to be able to spend time with our exchanged student without being sick.  But mostly it was about graduation.  I wasn't about to let cancer take a moment out of our first graduation, our first party, and our first born growing up and going to college.
One question I don't seem to understand coming from some is this: How do you feel about this?  Well, gee, I feel crappy.  I feel like I'm living a scene from Groundhogs Day, I feel so sad, so scared, so anxious; about side effects, pain, stomache issues and of course how much longer until the next treatment.
I've decided I need to change my scope of hope.  I'm not going to loose hope, but I am changing it from hoping for a healing to hoping I only have to have one treatment a year, maybe two.  Maybe that will bring some hope back into my life.  My Ovarian Cancer has now become a chronic disease.  So it will be treated as such. Sadly the treatment sucks.  Although between this one and the next I will be looking into some alternate and complementary services.
All that to say, here we go again.  Thanks for coming with me!
We are hoping only 1-2 treatments, same as last summer.
Specific prayer would be for the pain from the Taxol- terrible leg cramps. And of course, that this would be the last.  4th time around.... enough already.

Much love,
Vicki

The summer of baseball

Well I am going to make it thru baseball with hair, but it looks like I won't make it thru August.
The last couple weeks has been riddled with a whole bunch of waiting on blood tests, and a whole lot of hoping and praying that the inevitable wouldn't happen.  But inevitable is what it is.
However, inevitable was on vacation for 6 months!  6 months my friends and family. As my sister reminded me, we just hit the 5 year mark, one I shouldn't have hit according to the stats.  But stats is not what I am about is it?  Nope.  Except for my CA 125 I don't talk about numbers. I hate numbers.
I do however love sticking it to the numbers. I got 7 months with the Avastin. I'll admit I wanted to put off chemo for a few reasons.  1. I don't want to  2.  I want a summer with hair, 3. Abbi is graduating, and 4. Barbara was here.  So Avastin did give me the time I wanted.  It gave me an extra 7 months without chemo, time to enjoy graduation, baseball and an exchange student.  Quite a lot of important, once in a lifetime things.
This part is hard to explain.  Some of you will understand...
I knew we were putting chemo off, not exterminating it.  Altho I was hoping.... But I didn't tell you that part.
What I hate most, truly, is that it makes you sad.  I really hate making people sad.  I know I've become a bit calloused and 'matter of fact' about all of this.  I think it's because I am almost numb of emotion that isn't negative about cancer and my battle.  Not negative about other people and their problems, just to me.  I find myself telling people as if it's just a normal day.... when I know it's breaking your heart.  I'm sorry.  I know too much about it I suppose.
So, the good is that Avastin postponed the inevitable for 7 months.  My family got to enjoy graduation, prom, Austin driving, baseball, and Barbara. My body is still responsive to all the first line treatments- which is almost unheard of.  So much good.
The bad is that I freaking have to have chemo again, on July 24.  Probably only 1-2 treatments.  It's only microscopic, altho I don't know why that is better.  I'm leaning toward a second look surgery, even tho that hasn't been talked about.
I guess I'm freaking out a bit.  Not that it's all bad.   I've also looked at some complementary therapies. Eating a lot of organic, but can't jump to vegetarian/vegan. Doing what I can...
So the facts are: my number keeps going up.  I have to start chemo and the date is set for July 24. (Yes that is because of Abbi's party).  The facts are also that this is the norm for ovarian cancer.  It's going to be treated as a chronic disease.  And that is how it's going to be.
How am I?  Terrible.  I'm mad, sad, and so MAD.  Why can't prayer work?  Why can't I just be healed?  My faith is weary- not my belief.
So now what?  Just pray hard please.  For healing of course, but for my heart, for hope and faith.
I have my Avastin on Wed along with a blood test.  I'm mortified to find out my number but I am certain it is higher. Another fight I am trying to 'train' for.
And one more thing: I am now CERTAIN that for me, curls=cancer.  So, no more comments about the cancer causing curls!
Thank you for continuing with me.  We have years to go, but they might be really hard.  You might have to get a spatula to turn me over when I am fried.
Thank you, just thank you.
And I'm sorry you're sad.
And I'm sad this has to happen again.
But maybe, just maybe, these 3 weeks before Chemo starts my numbers will plummet.  That's what we'll pray.

Vicki

Some written

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

-Nathasha Bedingfield

Last week Abbi had her Baccalaureate service.  It was really quite nice.  A praise band from our local Woodside Bible Church, a good sermon, and several great performances from some seniors.

I've been having a real struggle with believing that hope is even necessary for my life right now.  It seems like every time I really believe that I am not going to have cancer again, it gets squashed by reality.  Makes hope seem very difficult to maintain.  Makes even faith a little hard to maintain. A friend reminded me that Jesus gets our humanity, and understands our times of despair.  I'm sick of being stuck here.  And I'm ready to get my butt out of the mud.

There are a few things that have struck me the last few weeks.  I've missed a lot of church services because of graduation things or vacation, but God likes to work on me then.  It struck me that my doctors keep saying we will be treating my cancer as a chronic illness- because it's not really going to go anywhere, barring a miracle.  Ok- that sucks and is terrifying.  I spend some time thinking about it and decided maybe I should just call this a chronic illness, not even allow it to have a name.  I haven't decided if that gives service to the cause or not tho.  People need to know my story, so there has to be a name for the illness, right?  

So much reading I have been doing of complementary medicine as well.  Most include leaving home for 6-8 weeks.  Oh won't that make the family happy. (I hope not)  One resource really struck a cord with me and is really challenging me to think more about the other options out there.  But man the $$ is kinda incredible.  It's sickens me even more to know that people have to figure out how to pay for being healthy.  

One of the seniors sang "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield during the ceremony.  I've heard it a thousand times, but listening and watching her sing it made me HEAR it.

I've been saying I feel numb, but really, I am choosing to not feel all this confusion and pain, doubt and anger inside me.  Unfortunately I'm the only one who can give it proper voice- ya know since they're my feelings and all.  I am not sure how to drench myself in words unspoken- I think it's letting each drop of those emotions drench me with all the hurt, so that the truth can be revealed- so I can finally live again, with my arms wide open to new and fun things, as well as open to the serious and bad things on their way.

The unspoken words, falling like rain.  That's why I need to feel it on my skin.  They need to soak in.  Then the unspoken words of healing from God can fall into my soul, my heart, and help me heal.  Help me be whole.

I've written a lot about this. 

But, the rest IS still unwritten.

Perhaps the writing strike is over.  Perhaps I can find joy and beauty again in the every day things.  Perhaps looking at what I have gotten to do, see, say and live for during these 5 years of fighting as gifts instead of the life I deserve will help.

What a gift to be in the study and on the study drug.
What a gift having 2 years of remission once.
What a gift only having to have 3, then 2 treatments during my recurrences.
What a gift that this time I've gotten 5 (maybe more) extra months without chemo because of the study drug.
What a gift to have an exchange student.
What a gift to see my daughter get her licence, have a boyfriend, be able to remain herself during the worst peer pressure moments in life.
What a gift to see my daughter go to prom.
What a gift to see her graduate.

That's a lot of gifts.  Thank you Lord for giving me these 5 years.  I still ask for miraculous healing, but I will do what you have planned for me.  Thank you for loving me, even when I'm a bit sassy and mad.

Vicki

Psalm 71

Psalm 71

¹ In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
    let me never be put to shame.

I have tried Lord to stay in your embrace,

to never bring shame to your name² In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
    turn your ear to me and save me.

Lord hear me when I pray, rescue me from myself

deliver me from negative thoughts

³ Be my rock of refuge,
    to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.

I know you should be my rock and place of safety

please save me from this, become my fortress, 

my strength.

⁴ Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.

Keep me from those that wish me harm,

who do not understand who I am in you

⁵ For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,
    my confidence since my youth.

For I have hoped in you since my younger days
⁶ From birth I have relied on you;
    you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
    I will ever praise you.

I have relied on you since 1989, being born again

after being born of my mother.

Thank you Lord.⁷ I have become a sign to many;
    you are my strong refuge.

Many people know that you are my strength

That you are my hope.⁸ My mouth is filled with your praise,
    declaring your splendor all day long.

I talk about you often and how you have helped me

⁹ Do not cast me away when I am old;
    do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
¹⁰ For my enemies speak against me;
    those who wait to kill me conspire together.
¹¹ They say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue him and seize him,
    for no one will rescue him.”
¹² Do not be far from me, my God;
    come quickly, God, to help me.
¹³ May my accusers perish in shame;
    may those who want to harm me
    be covered with scorn and disgrace.

When it is my time to leave this world

be my strength and my guide.

And when people try to take YOU out of me,

and say you are the reason I have gone,

Come quickly to help me, come quickly to reveal

the hope that I held on to in you. 

¹⁴ As for me, I will always have hope;
    I will praise you more and more.

As for me, I try to have hope each day,

As my hope grows so does my praise

¹⁵ My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
    of your saving acts all day long—
    though I know not how to relate them all.

My voice, my actions, my life will tell of your love

and your acts of provision even tho the words

will never have the ability to fully understood¹⁶ I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;
    I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.

When I go to others I will talk of your love, your acts of

salvation and strength in my life, yours alone¹⁷ Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
    and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

I can see all you have been teaching me, even in my 

childhood when I didn't realize you were so available¹⁸ Even when I am old and gray,
    do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
    your mighty acts to all who are to come.

Lord help me make the time I have here count.

Help me to tell of all you have done to my children,

to their children and to all I meet.

¹⁹ Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
    you who have done great things.
    Who is like you, God?

No one can be like you God, loving and giving hope

doing great things for all under the heavens²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles,
    many and bitter,
    you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will again bring me up.
²¹ You will increase my honor
    and comfort me once more.

Tho I have lived thru many trials and troubles,

You will restore me and make me whole.

You will bring me to you

And increase my honor among others

And comfort me forevermore.

²² I will praise you with the harp
    for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
    Holy One of Israel.

Because of your faithfulness and love,

because of your might and power,

I will sing praises to you.²³ My lips will shout for joy
    when I sing praise to you—
    I whom you have delivered.

I will stand up and shout for joy

when I praise you

Because you HAVE delivered me.²⁴ My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
    all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
    have been put to shame and confusion.

My words will always tell of your righteousness

so that those that have no understanding of the YOU in me

will be ashamed and confused at the hope I have in you.

Father, at this moment I am struggling to trust.

At this moment hope seems so far away.

When hope was all I KNEW was available

I found it easy to find refuge in you.

As time continues on I am ashamed that my hope

has become fleeting.  I feel I can't hope for healing because 

I feel that it was given and then taken away.  I am the confused one.

Lord help me to keep fighting my way back to the place

Where in you I feel safe and secure.

Help my focus to be on you, and all that is good.

Because when it is all said and done, the only thing my life must 

accomplish is the passing on of my belief and love for you to my children and my friends.  Without you, without finding you in 1989...

Thank you for saving me.  That is one thing that is certain in my life.

I am saved, receiving that free gift from you because of the grace and mercy you have shown to me.

Lord allow hope to once again be the highlight of my relationship with you.  Help me to find the quietness I need to reflect on the reasons I have to trust you.

Lord, please heal me.  Please allow me to be a living miracle.  Please wrap up these fears and doubts and take them from me, replacing them with your truth, not the devils lies.  For you are love and light, peace and hope, quiet and trust.  For this I will worship you always.

Amen

Baseball with hair

For those of you who can't see me, or who don't know what is going on with me, I must tell you..... altho I am fighting again, I have hair!  And my hair is CURLY!!!  It has been years since I've had this much hair, and even longer since it's been curly.  It's been just like riding a bike, I know exactly how to care for it.
My fear of the curls has gone.  I used to equate the curls with recurrence. That may seem so completely crazy to you but let me explain.  Every single time I have had a recurrence, my hair was just starting to get curly.  EVERY time.  But this recurrence was different.  I barely had hair, and it was straight.  As I've fought this battle with the awesome Avastin as my medicinal miracle, my hair has gotten curlier and curlier. I feel like ME!  Because everything about me is curly.  My forgetfulness, my free spirit, my hyperness, my hobbies, my sass- just everything.  I am a curly girl, in hair and in mind and spirit.  Hard to follow isn't it.....
This year I get to watch my sons play baseball.  I've been doing that for so many years, but for almost 5 years I have been a bald baseball mom.  A fighting for her life baseball mom.  A "gee son I have to miss this game" baseball mom.  A baseball game lets me escape from the reality of cancer, escape from fighting.  I get to yell, talk, laugh and pick on the boys.  I get to fight for them instead.  And the families involved are so helpful with that.  They just talk to me as if everything in life is ok.  Oh how I love that.  (Not to be misunderstood- I am always willing to talk about my cancer journey).
This year my hair will actually get messy from the rain and wind.  My hoodies will smoosh my curls.... The humidity will grow my curls...... And the smile on my face while it all happens is going to feel awesome.
Avastin seems to be working.  We have 17 points more to lower until we are 'normal' but lower is awesome.  Baseball starts on Thursday.  Any way it is sliced, I get to have hair for baseball season.  Even if bad things happen....
Ovarian cancer has proven itself to be a strong beast.  My body is responding well, and the recurrences are not unexpected.  No answers will ever be had.  That's ok.  I've learned to live without knowing, without answers.  I don't really think I want to know the answers.
This year I get to watch baseball with hair.
At this moment, that is my win.
So there cancer, take that. I don't care what you have planned for me.  I am content with today. Not because of curls, but because the fear is not as oppressive.
Out loud I say, Satan you do not have power over me.  You do not know what I think.  You are not omniscient, you are not powerful.  I have Jesus, I have people praying, and you have no power over me.  You cannot keep me in the state of fear.
So cancer, take that.  Right now you are not in complete control.  I hate you.  My family and friends hate you.  But I don't think you will own this girl again.
The journey lately has been rediscovering my hope, my trust in the Lord.  It's been tested to it's core this past year. I really just had no faith in healing.  I'm not sure I do now, but I have hope that it's maybe possible.  It's more scary to realize my faith is failing than my health.  Don't misunderstand, not my belief.... I believe every word in the bible, everything my own life has witnessed, every move I know that has been God breathed.
Rediscovering hope.  That's the next movement for me to take. Faith in hope.
Spring, baseball, hair, curls, Avastin...... all bring me hope.  While I may be fighting the beast again, it's different this time.  It's easier in some ways, not in others.
I guess I have curly faith too....

Now listen, after my last post, after the over reaction to it, I am hesitant to even write anymore.  I did not say that I don't believe in God, and I did not say that I don't have faith.  Do not, under any circumstances, judge my words based on what you think they mean.  They mean what they say, and that is all.  Allow me to wander thru my head and heart without assuming I am completely lost.  I am not lost.  I know who I am and I know whose I am.  That is solid.  What is not solid are my curly thoughts and fears, my moments of doubt.  I don't want those solid!

I've been staring at this blank page for about 10 minutes.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday with Tim and Dad.  It was quite informative.  I found out a bit more about that ugly blog than I needed to!  Chris got a few phone calls about it.  That was a bit shocking.  I'm choosing to not be mad.  But really, can't I just have terribly horrible reactions to terrible horrible news without freaking everyone out?

Something you should know: those feelings I had are the same feelings I have had several times.  I was definitely more mad this time, but there was a wrench thrown at me.  Sheesh.  I'm not suicidal, and I'm not loosing my faith, and I'm not refusing treatment.  I so hope that is not what you took from that.  It really was sheer venting.  It's serious venting I know.  Hard to read and understand and know a friend is going thru that.  I get it.  But I should have thought that one thru (add it to the list) and not posted it.

Why the single agent Avastin makes me so happy is because of the possibility that it could work and I won't have to do chemo.  Wednesday is my first treatment.  I also know that the reality is that chemo will be a part of this... But I get a month or two off.  The irony: 2 more months puts me closer to graduation, baseball.... so I'm not sure what's better.  HA!  Good things I sorta have a sense of humor right now. Avastin it is, don't want you confused!

Avastin is the medicine I was on during my first fight, the study drug I called it.  It is known to stop the oxygen flow to ovarian cancer cells, so they can't live.  It's not a guarantee of course, but it is certainly why I had a 2 year remission after the first fight.  I am hopeful, even tho I said I wouldn't hope again.  I feel it is a bit of hope wrapped up in a yucky infusion bag, causing tiredness, crazy mouth stuff and my super sexy crackly voice.  However, hair stays, nausea very uncommon, and normal life possible.  So now you know what it does inside of me.

So I am trusting God.  I do know there is a plan.  I do know there is much left to learn, part of which is probably how to handle bad news better!

Love to you all.  Keep praying, specifically that the Avastin will work.  We won't need any help as it isn't disabling at all.  Thanks for understanding and knowing that I do want you to go thru this again with me, if you'd like.

Vicki