The summer of baseball

Well I am going to make it thru baseball with hair, but it looks like I won't make it thru August.
The last couple weeks has been riddled with a whole bunch of waiting on blood tests, and a whole lot of hoping and praying that the inevitable wouldn't happen.  But inevitable is what it is.
However, inevitable was on vacation for 6 months!  6 months my friends and family. As my sister reminded me, we just hit the 5 year mark, one I shouldn't have hit according to the stats.  But stats is not what I am about is it?  Nope.  Except for my CA 125 I don't talk about numbers. I hate numbers.
I do however love sticking it to the numbers. I got 7 months with the Avastin. I'll admit I wanted to put off chemo for a few reasons.  1. I don't want to  2.  I want a summer with hair, 3. Abbi is graduating, and 4. Barbara was here.  So Avastin did give me the time I wanted.  It gave me an extra 7 months without chemo, time to enjoy graduation, baseball and an exchange student.  Quite a lot of important, once in a lifetime things.
This part is hard to explain.  Some of you will understand...
I knew we were putting chemo off, not exterminating it.  Altho I was hoping.... But I didn't tell you that part.
What I hate most, truly, is that it makes you sad.  I really hate making people sad.  I know I've become a bit calloused and 'matter of fact' about all of this.  I think it's because I am almost numb of emotion that isn't negative about cancer and my battle.  Not negative about other people and their problems, just to me.  I find myself telling people as if it's just a normal day.... when I know it's breaking your heart.  I'm sorry.  I know too much about it I suppose.
So, the good is that Avastin postponed the inevitable for 7 months.  My family got to enjoy graduation, prom, Austin driving, baseball, and Barbara. My body is still responsive to all the first line treatments- which is almost unheard of.  So much good.
The bad is that I freaking have to have chemo again, on July 24.  Probably only 1-2 treatments.  It's only microscopic, altho I don't know why that is better.  I'm leaning toward a second look surgery, even tho that hasn't been talked about.
I guess I'm freaking out a bit.  Not that it's all bad.   I've also looked at some complementary therapies. Eating a lot of organic, but can't jump to vegetarian/vegan. Doing what I can...
So the facts are: my number keeps going up.  I have to start chemo and the date is set for July 24. (Yes that is because of Abbi's party).  The facts are also that this is the norm for ovarian cancer.  It's going to be treated as a chronic disease.  And that is how it's going to be.
How am I?  Terrible.  I'm mad, sad, and so MAD.  Why can't prayer work?  Why can't I just be healed?  My faith is weary- not my belief.
So now what?  Just pray hard please.  For healing of course, but for my heart, for hope and faith.
I have my Avastin on Wed along with a blood test.  I'm mortified to find out my number but I am certain it is higher. Another fight I am trying to 'train' for.
And one more thing: I am now CERTAIN that for me, curls=cancer.  So, no more comments about the cancer causing curls!
Thank you for continuing with me.  We have years to go, but they might be really hard.  You might have to get a spatula to turn me over when I am fried.
Thank you, just thank you.
And I'm sorry you're sad.
And I'm sad this has to happen again.
But maybe, just maybe, these 3 weeks before Chemo starts my numbers will plummet.  That's what we'll pray.

Vicki