I can't seem to keep my fingers out of my hair. I'm twisting it, pulling the curls, loving how they feel, loving the memories of them. It's been 5 years since they have returned to my head.
I think that is part of the reason I am having such a hard time knowing they will be gone in 3 weeks. And I am convinced that the curls do cause cancer. Simply convinced.
So if you haven't heard, I begin Chemo again on the 24th. When you step back and look at it, I did get 7 months extra- thank you Avastin. I wanted to have an awesome graduation party before I got sick. I wanted to be able to spend time with our exchanged student without being sick. But mostly it was about graduation. I wasn't about to let cancer take a moment out of our first graduation, our first party, and our first born growing up and going to college.
One question I don't seem to understand coming from some is this: How do you feel about this? Well, gee, I feel crappy. I feel like I'm living a scene from Groundhogs Day, I feel so sad, so scared, so anxious; about side effects, pain, stomache issues and of course how much longer until the next treatment.
I've decided I need to change my scope of hope. I'm not going to loose hope, but I am changing it from hoping for a healing to hoping I only have to have one treatment a year, maybe two. Maybe that will bring some hope back into my life. My Ovarian Cancer has now become a chronic disease. So it will be treated as such. Sadly the treatment sucks. Although between this one and the next I will be looking into some alternate and complementary services.
All that to say, here we go again. Thanks for coming with me!
We are hoping only 1-2 treatments, same as last summer.
Specific prayer would be for the pain from the Taxol- terrible leg cramps. And of course, that this would be the last. 4th time around.... enough already.
Much love,
Vicki
Vicki, I admire that you share your honesty about fears and disappointments.
ReplyDeleteOnly one question: Why are up so late?
Prayers upon prayers for you
Diane W
Why are you?? Darn full moon.
DeleteI will continue the prayers for you and I am praying for a complete healing Viki, as I have all along. Hold on dear lady, just like u have! U are an inspiration to so many!! I love u♥♥
ReplyDeleteLisa S.
Vicki, I will continue to pray for you healing and for peace. You are so strong. Love you
ReplyDeleteWell, where have I been? In my own little world, I guess. I am so sorry that you have to go through this again. I wish there was something we could do for you; make it go away, ease the pain, ease the anxiety. As I have told you through all of these years, you are an inspiration. The courage, go through it all, put all your words and thoughts and fears and concerns out there - which I truly believe is a gift. You do all of this, and still be you, Vicki. You are incredible, one of the good ones, one of the best. The Pfeil's love you and will continue to pray for you and your family, and will do whatever you need us to do. Love <3
ReplyDeleteI didn't talk about it much Lisa- I just wanted happy graduation! Now we can concentrate on this again. Thanks my friend. I love you Pfeil's too!
DeleteOh Vicki. This cancer thing really sucks. Just sucks. I just got a good MRI this week but its still been a rough couple weeks. I can't drive and I will be without children for a week starting next Tuesday. I would love for you to come for a visit if you could arrange that. I need some encouragement. I hear you talking about graduations and am jealous because I doubt I will make it that far. It just confirms my belief tho that no matter what, it will never be enough time. I'll never be "ready". The worst is what it's done to my marriage. Ugh. By the way tho.....my hair came in curly this last time~ never had curly hair before EVER! I keep rockin the MRIs so I gotta disagree with you on the curls and say embrace those bad boys! I don't know why we both have to go thru this but it's amazing we even connected and "found" each other and with our similar styles and attitudes I find you an encouragement. Love you and stay strong. You're absolutely right in treating this as a chronic disease....you'll just have to get a tune-up every now and then!
ReplyDeleteVicki-
ReplyDeleteYou have been on my heart and threaded in my prayers all day today. I've thought a lot about what you've written, and I know this is your journey and your feelings are valid. I just want to encourage you in a couple of things...
1) Never lose hope for your complete healing. Our God is big enough for anything and can redeem and heal at any point, regardless of your past experience, what statistics claim, or what doctors say. Nothing is beyond His reach. Don't shortchange Him. I know you believe He is able. I don't question your faith one bit. I also know you are guarding your heart from disappointment and hopelessness, but never stop hoping and praying for complete healing here on earth. It still can happen! You must read "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson. It is rocking my world, spurring me on, invigorating my prayer life and making me dream and pray big. I think it would be an encouragement to you too and shed hope in this matter. I am praying and hoping big things for you and your healing. I simply cannot stop and I will not lose hope that God still will rid you of this disease.
2) Curls are so you. You had curls long before you had cancer. It was part of God's perfect design for you...created and thought out long before you drew your first breath or were in your mother's womb. Like your vibrant eyes and porcelain skin, He designed you for curls. They've been part of your identity and what makes you "you" long before cancer came around. God's design for you was perfect. Those curls were divinely placed into your DNA...cancer was not. I don't think you should link the two. Cancer was the enemy's creation...designed to destruct and destroy and deter.
ReplyDeleteWhile God's permissive will may be allowing cancer to be part of your life story right now, it was not in His perfect DNA plan for you- but those curls were! Don't let the enemy twist this or strip you from the joy, comfort, normalcy, and uniqueness that your curls have brought you all of your life. Those curls were God's gift to you. Don't let the enemy try to take more of your identity from you...or anything else from you. Your eye color hasn't changed because of cancer, it's part of your God-given DNA, just as your curls are. Those curls are not from the enemy. Don't let him deprive you of your love for them, or twist his lies into the meaning of why they are there. He's already trying to deprive and strip you in so many other ways. Those curls are yours...God's perfect design for you. You have the right to embrace them.
Even underneath any form of baldness, you are a curly-headed, fiesty, beautiful woman. When/if the curls aren't visible to the naked eye in the weeks and months to come, they are still going to be part of your God-given DNA...and those tiny hair follicles will still house that same DNA that screams "curls!" I see how it's easy to link the cancer to the curls...but with or without cancer in the picture, you are still a curly-headed girl. The way God intended you to be. Those curls have shaped you into who you are, and were a part of you long before cancer entered the equation. The enemy wants to convince you otherwise. He is using them as a scare-tactic. Tell him to back-off!
The One who knows exactly how many hairs are on your head (or how many hairs you should have on your head, or will have on your head again) is the One who chose those very hairs for you--not the enemy. Not cancer. Those curls are not the enemy's- don't give him the glory or the authority to claim them for himself. He's taken too much; don't give him the curls too. Don't give into that lie, even when it seems more than convincing to let yourself.
Again, those are your God-given curls. He is the giver of all good things, and those curls have been good to you and for you. And remember, your hope is not found in your curls, that may come and go on this journey. Your hope is found in Christ. Stand on that solid rock and His truth.
I love you! I love your curls! I hate cancer. I hate hope-stealers. But my Hope is anchored in our Almighty God. The One in whom NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! Believing. Hoping. And praying you through!