De-Port-tation Day

What a glorious day it was yesterday, getting my port removed. So much of it was a bit surreal but so worth it. Part of me says how awesome to finally complete this circle of Cancer and all that it brings. But another side is nervous that I am being too confident. But in reality I did have the port for a year after the chemo treatments, so I think it was time for it to go. It is pretty for a contraption designed to administer poison to the body- albeit a necessary step in my cancer journey. It's purple, because it always matters what is under your skin, and a purple titanium port is really just wonderful. Why I felt I needed to keep it is unknown, but I felt I did.

I have to say my favorite part is that my vein in my neck does not stick out any longer. And, I don't have a bump on my upper chest. Always a bonus.

So I am calling this a leap of faith that I am healed. Healed by the poison, healed by God.

Polly gets to take a break.

Yeah, whatever.

Vicki

Goodbye

So tomorrow is my last study drug treatment. I am really excited but also feeling a little emotional. Not going to see my nurses every 3 weeks- it's my schedule, it's what I do. It's scary. My body will be on its own. And the anxiety is creeping in. I should be wanting to have a party, but I'm crying instead. Now what the heck is that all about?

My follow up will be: every 3 months CT scan and blood work for the next 2 years. Then it goes to every 6 months for 2 years, then yearly....

Avastin, the study drug. Maybe I am afraid I am not getting it- I don't know. I am almost sure I am. Can't make up mouth sores and nose sores and weird tastes... I know they are testing to see if it is effective in reducing the recurrence rate, but I also hope it helps with the increased chance of getting breast cancer. But I am letting it own me again. Guess strength comes in waves. At least the waves are much bigger and higher than when I first found out about the cancer. That's improvement.

It seems I haven't been giving God much spare time lately. It seems like there is no time. I hate moments like those. So I think tonight I will go over a few sermon notes. Man we have been having some great sermons. I have a lot to say but it just isn't going to happen today.

So tomorrow- last treatment. I pray it is the last of my lifetime.

Somehow

So my second to last treatment was last Tuesday. Tim came with me which was nice since he doesn't always get to come because of work. We got to see Chris, our NP and she is doing well. You might include her in your prayers as she lost her husband about 2 months ago to prostate cancer. Younger guy, 45 or so. But she is a believer and is pressing on and caring for those of us that love and need her. I am one of the only patients that knows- somehow we just clicked right away and sorta blobbed our whole stories out there for each to know. Some how of course being God. He is the some how so many times.

Some how we were in the waiting room with an oncology nurse who was about to find out if she had Ovarian Cancer. She was a trip. But she talked boldly about her faith and shared that and angel had told her she had cancer, then came back and told her it was gone. I know she was one week from her hyterectomy. I choose to believe that her angel was real and telling the truth.

Some how I was sitting next to a newly diagnosed older woman with ovarian cancer. How all this came up is that a woman sitting across from me, waiting for our chair, had on a cap that was white with the teal ribbon and HOPE written thru it. Not often you see Teal ribbons- but that is another soap box. I asked her about it and it turns out her daughter had them made when she was diagnosed and that they were in fact running in a marathon in her honor. She was supposed to go but had to start chemo again. 10th treatment. She looked good and we didn't talk deep, but having to do a little more probably is not the best. But then the conversation started with the woman next to me who showed me the coolest bead made of glass and a teal ribbon inside of it. Beautiful indeed. She was on her second treatment, which means she had just lost her hair, but was fairing pretty well. I did ask what stage her cancer was and she said she doesn't know and doesn't want to know. Funny how different we all can be. Here I am wanting to know all the answers to my questions, and here she is with no questions, just blindly following. I understand it, though. The more you know the scarier it is for sure. She just said it didn't matter because she was going to whoop it anyway.

You just don't find a bunch of Ovarian Cancer people all in the same place, even in the chemo room. Some how arranges that for you some times.

Plus, the girls all but told me that I am getting the study drug. I mean we already felt secure that we were, but its nice to have a little confirmation. And on that lovely note, I only have one left. One more treatment that can wipe me out. One more round of constipation. One more round of mouth weirdness. One more month of eating without an appetite or much taste. But I am so excited that the medicine was mine. I am so excited that I will be followed so carefully for the next 2 years. Every 3 months a CT scan- yes, I know what they do to me, but I will not complain. I am being watched more carefully. That is a blessing. And, I may just be able to get this port out soon. Maybe right after that last treatment. Then you know what is next, right?? The tattoo! Oh yes I am! I think a Heart, with JESUS JUICE on the right side, and LIVES OUT LOUD on the left- we'll see. Ideas would be valued.

As for Polly- she's kind of a normal every day presence here at our home. She kinda doesn't know when to go to bed! And she's been making me go like a maniac. But I really enjoy her. She's the cool I never could be!!

Some how WILL get you thru.

Love to you all.

Vicki- Volly- Pocky- HMMM, how do we combine that one?

Fireproof

Our home group just watched Fireproof. It wasn't quite as hokey the second time around. So much anger in that movie- such a beautiful resolution to it all. Sometimes, saying 'I'm sorry' goes a very long way.

We had fun being together- ate way too much blueberry jello. Which just adds to my identity crisis since I don't like stuff in my jello. Just give me jello, none of that fancy stuff. Well, now that opinion is just blown wide open!! Loved it.

So the identity crisis you ask. Well, a few things. Now that I highlighted my hair I look like my middle sister. Which is wonderful. If I were to let it grow longer and keep up the highlights I would look like my youngest sister. See, I always had that one critical characteristic that made me me- the curly hair. I was the sister with the curly hair. That's it. Also the oldest, but whatever on that one. Sometimes the new normal is kinda hard.

Since my last treatment I just haven't been myself. Not sure why, can't quite seem to get to the bottom of it. I want to be busy, but I want to sleep. I want to be with people but I want to stay home. I want to cook dinner, but I don't. It's like a motivation factor. Motivation has never really been an issue. Of course it could just be that I feel like crap and I keep having coughing attacks and maybe should get a chest xray- but I don't wanna.

What also is stressing me out is this lack of raw emotion. Man, I was the queen of crying or reacting to something terrible or wonderful. Now just not so much. I feel horizontal- no ups, no downs. I just am. I mean I can get my game on at times, but I don't have the stamina anymore to keep it up. Not even with the school board, and you all know how that is going.

I suppose it has been a rather overwhelming year for me and my family and maybe I need to just let that settle in. i just want normal back, but I haven't defined what that is. Kinda goes back to the whole waiting game. Now I'm waiting to see who I am and what I am capable of. I have figured out that I am much more outspoken and opinionated. Like, maybe too much. So feel free to stop me if necessary.

Kids are doing great in school as far as I know. Austin is playing football for the first year and that is giving me a heart attack. Abbi is in the high school and seems to be faring well. She is going to help with back stage scenes for the play. That is good. I just want her involved. Although stage people..... so judgemental I am.

I hope I am fireproof. I feel like I continually have to fight to keep myself in check. I want to be able to live thru this again if necessary. Not by my will, but by my Lords. Maybe that is it- I am not flying on his wings and that is what I need to do. Eagles Wings.

Ok, then it must be time for me to fly (hear REO Speedwagon here)

Love to you all.

Fingers

I can run my fingers thru my hair now. It's kinda cool. I wake up and I have bed head again. Now that is beautiful. And my hair has gone from dry to and bit oily. So many changes, they never seem to stop. Highlights are next!

I get to fight new fights now. Fights with school boards, fights for the children, fights for a healthy marriage. I like those fights. I don't even think about cancer every day, at least not in a fearful way. I don't know if I am following the process I am supposed to follow, if there is such a thing. But what is strange is that I fully expect to have cancer again- that is just what the research says. For some reason it has snuck back in on my thoughts not really as fear, although I also notice that I don't feel my emotions quite the same as I used to. And maybe that just takes time.

Life is pretty normal now. I get to serve again, although sometimes the motivation is overtaken by tiredness or doubt.

I have only 3 study treatments left, one being tomorrow. I hope it doesn't knock me on my butt again

I think today thoughts of cancer happened too often. Too many people, to many different reactions, too many changes that need to be made. Sometimes the journey seems unreal and like it didn't happen. Other times the scars are obvious. I've found that people are afraid to ask questions about my cancer-I am always willing to answer whatever I can.

So on to my treatment tomorrow and whatever it may bring. Hopefully a lunch with a long lost friend.

Life is precious, short, and should be lived fully each day, within Gods plans.

Courage

Courage hardly ever roars. It comes in quiet waves, from deep within the heart, urging it to continue on.

Courage is a strength, a choice, to have some peace, if for only a moment.

Courage is never continual, it is gradual and inconsistent. Courage is love for others, hope for self, and belief that faith is real.

Courage is hard work.

Courage does not sound like a lion, although it may look like a lion to others on the outside.

Courage is continuing to do what you know is right even in the face of adversity, or bad numbers, or no support, or a jerk of an ex husband.

Courage is following thru on your promises.

Courage is trusting, both people and God to meet your needs. Courage is being the hands and feet of God, even when it doesn't seem we have the energy or finances to do so.

Courage is fighting against all odds for the rest of the time God has for you here on Earth.

Courage is facing your immortality-I mean looking at its eyes and saying yes, I know you exist.

Courage is knowing that time will come.

Courage is not knowing when, how or why.

Courage is going every week for blood work and waiting for answers, every treatment waiting for the reactions, every fight waiting for the anger, every bill waiting for the money.

I see courage everywhere and it never is screaming loudly. It is silent and soft spoken, there for others to see if they take the time to look. The young mother with 3-4 kids at the store. COURAGE! The sister who leaves her abusive husband and fights for her kids. COURAGE. The mother of a child with learning problems like autism, CP, ADHD, OCD and all of that. COURAGE to let them go. Pastors who tell us some of what we need to change about ourselves, and themselves. COURAGE.

Courage is an inner battle between giving up and stepping up. Courage is that fight to regain control over your fear, even though you are accepting that there is no control. Courage is believing "Do not fear" and "Fear Not". Courage is meeting with that person you know is hurting but you feel you don't know what to say. Oh please, go to that person and do not fear the words you think are necessary. Sometimes silent support is what is needed. Go, not fearing conversation. That will come naturally, even in those unnaturally horrible circumstances.

Courage is living life. God gives us the grace to have courage. Jesus is our courage and fought the fight for us. All we need do is follow in his foot steps.

Be strong and courageous do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God is with you.

I found my life verse yesterday. So many times it has been read, just proving that no matter how many times you read the Bible, because of life circumstances it will bring something new to the table.

Acts 20:24

I don't care about my own life. The most important thing is that I complete my mission, the work that the Lord Jesus gave me- to tell people the Good News about God's grace.

Paul was one of the most courageous of all. Walking into danger with each new mission. Knowingly walking into danger. Maybe it is easier walking into it knowing it is there. Maybe it is easier having it thrust upon you unknowingly. I've done both now. Neither easy, both life changing.

But that is another story.

Love,

Vicki

What a year can bring

It is somewhat ironic that last year a niece was married in mid July, 4 days after my port was put in, one week before my chemo treatments began. A picture from that wedding is what I carry around to remind myself of what used to be. In it I looked scared, understandably so. But my hair was curly!! In my head the thoughts were a jumble- I was so glad to be there yet so scared about this journey I had to go on. And if you remember getting my port put in was one of the hardest, most 'this is real' days. Having the port put in made cancer real. But having a wedding to go to made life real, and proved it continued on.

This year, another wedding in mid August. i have straight hair. I got to wear the shirt I actually bought for the first wedding but wouldn't wear because it showed my port! My how far my feelings on that have come. Mr. port helped to save my life, so I show him off regularly. He is a part of my body now- hopefully a short while and hopefully never again, yet still an important part of all the cancer journey was and is about.

This wedding I was able to relax a lot more. I held babies (dah) and danced with Jayson, and smiled a real smile, and visited and hopefully looked as good as I feel.

Aron spoke of races, and running our race. I feel I have run my race, received my purple heart, and am ready to move on to the next race. I don't feel a lot of emotional damage from this. I am not sure if that is me lying to myself, although that is certainly not something I do often, or if I really am just ready to put cancer behind me until the next time. Yes, I do feel a next time will happen, don't really know why- but me and that darn intuition of mine.....

So I call this race run- won by the grace of God and some really great medicine. Won because I can smile and continue on. Won because although my hair is dark and straight I still love it. But this race is done. I am not sure what the next race is. I think it might be dealing with High School!! Maybe the entire district that is getting so messed up. Who knows but God, but I am sure he'll let me know when he wants me to know.

So when you see me, see my health. I don't have cancer anymore. I am not nervous anymore. I still have a terrible memory and my tinnitus keeps me from hearing whispering, but all in all a successful race.

Moving on.... to a tri- um doubtful. The marathon was enough for me.

Moving on.....

Polly and Vicki