Fireproof

Our home group just watched Fireproof. It wasn't quite as hokey the second time around. So much anger in that movie- such a beautiful resolution to it all. Sometimes, saying 'I'm sorry' goes a very long way.

We had fun being together- ate way too much blueberry jello. Which just adds to my identity crisis since I don't like stuff in my jello. Just give me jello, none of that fancy stuff. Well, now that opinion is just blown wide open!! Loved it.

So the identity crisis you ask. Well, a few things. Now that I highlighted my hair I look like my middle sister. Which is wonderful. If I were to let it grow longer and keep up the highlights I would look like my youngest sister. See, I always had that one critical characteristic that made me me- the curly hair. I was the sister with the curly hair. That's it. Also the oldest, but whatever on that one. Sometimes the new normal is kinda hard.

Since my last treatment I just haven't been myself. Not sure why, can't quite seem to get to the bottom of it. I want to be busy, but I want to sleep. I want to be with people but I want to stay home. I want to cook dinner, but I don't. It's like a motivation factor. Motivation has never really been an issue. Of course it could just be that I feel like crap and I keep having coughing attacks and maybe should get a chest xray- but I don't wanna.

What also is stressing me out is this lack of raw emotion. Man, I was the queen of crying or reacting to something terrible or wonderful. Now just not so much. I feel horizontal- no ups, no downs. I just am. I mean I can get my game on at times, but I don't have the stamina anymore to keep it up. Not even with the school board, and you all know how that is going.

I suppose it has been a rather overwhelming year for me and my family and maybe I need to just let that settle in. i just want normal back, but I haven't defined what that is. Kinda goes back to the whole waiting game. Now I'm waiting to see who I am and what I am capable of. I have figured out that I am much more outspoken and opinionated. Like, maybe too much. So feel free to stop me if necessary.

Kids are doing great in school as far as I know. Austin is playing football for the first year and that is giving me a heart attack. Abbi is in the high school and seems to be faring well. She is going to help with back stage scenes for the play. That is good. I just want her involved. Although stage people..... so judgemental I am.

I hope I am fireproof. I feel like I continually have to fight to keep myself in check. I want to be able to live thru this again if necessary. Not by my will, but by my Lords. Maybe that is it- I am not flying on his wings and that is what I need to do. Eagles Wings.

Ok, then it must be time for me to fly (hear REO Speedwagon here)

Love to you all.