Admonishing

I wanted you all to know that I did get my first CA 125 blood test on Wednesday. The good news is that it is lower, down to 78 from 111. It's only been 2 weeks since the first chemo so I feel fairly confident about it. Praise God the number is coming down. Absolutely. But would we if it didn't? What if it went up? Then what? We blame him? We panic? What? If you said Praise God when it went up I'd be crushed. But God would still be there. God would still be in control. God would still be the one I rely on. But praise him at that point? How do you do that?

And speaking about confidence, I don't have any. Even tho I kinda always expected to have a recurrence I never really thought it would happen. All those facts I learned the first time around- I just wanted all that fear and insecurity to go away. I just wanted to go on with life and live normally. And I stopped writing about all the things that God was doing in my life. Which makes me wonder if that is why this is happening again. Did I stop giving God the glory? Did I forget about him too much? Did I not share enough?

Now I called this admonishing for a reason. I know the above is not true. I know that. My thinking needs to be put into the proper order. The problem is that I'm not feeling much. Numb is how I describe it. Kinda like hit by a truck then it backed over me. I mean the timing of this, the fact that I couldn't go to CIY this year, my hair just getting curly again, baseball and end of school year again. Seriously? So how am I supposed to make it thru next may and june? It's just wrong.

So I am not stuck in a pit, I am not mad at God, I am not blaming myself or diet or whatever people want to do or say about that. I'm freaked because the chemo along with the anti nausea meds did not make me have those 3 super yucky days. Praise God you say? Here's my take- the chemo isn't working.... See- admonish away!!

Even sicker still- being relieved when my hair started to fall out! Remember last time it was the worst thing? This time I did it myself, just before I left the house to get Austin from CIY for baseball. Not kidding. Whatever.

So I need the admonishing because I am not feeling God right now. I did not say I have no faith. I did not say I am mad at him or blame him. I am just lacking feeling. I know he's here. I know you are interceding for me. I know he loves me and has me in the palm of his hand. I know. I just feel overwhelmed and defeated and confused and concerned and just want to be at the end of this. And that is the problem. There is no end. This is the new life. And yes, that pisses me off.

So yeah, as a mature Christian I feel like I am not doing justice to what God is doing. So I am going to try writing again, see if that helps me to see, feel and hear him in each step of this journey. I am perfect for the job of serving and not knowing everything! That is me! But I do learn so much from God. I just don't get it right now.

Christ is the hope and glory within me. Repeat. Then believe it. Then it'll feel real.

Hope and Glory are in me because of Jesus.

Hope. That is the feeling I am lacking.

Ok, blathering is happening. Thanks for listening.

Much love,

Vicki