On the flip side

Since Sunday I have been just a bit consumed with how quickly life goes by us.  As Jayson and I were doing donuts on M53, which didn't look bad to me in that big truck, I realized that my precious little one was really in some possible trouble.  I know how to drive- I'm a really good driver.  But driving a truck and driving an all wheel drive are not the same my friends.  So there we were, circling around and I say to Jay hang on honey, something is going to happen, it's going to be ok.  LIAR!
I couldn't look at him at that moment of course because I was trying to right the truck, to no avail.  I think I let go of the wheel but kept my foot on the brake (yes, yes, I know... now....) and in we went to the middle berm and just toppled over.  My bible bag and all it's contents fell all over me and onto the window- sort of a funny thing.  You know, Gods word all over me and the truck.
Thankfully Jay was on the passenger side and the drivers side is what was now facing the ground.  I looked up at him and asked if he was ok.  Oh his precious face.  Ever seen that boy quiet?  He was shaking but said he was fine, and "It's ok mom, I have my 3ds.   It didn't fall."  His favorite possession at the moment.
Not a moment went by when there were several people at the scene making sure we were ok, asking questions.  I gave a thumbs up, not really believing we were so unhurt.  I am literally texting my friends at church, since they would be worried when I didn't show up.  As I was texting one person came to the windshield.  He was upright.  He looked so strange from my vantage point.  But I focused on his eyes, and got myself back to reality.  So Trevor helped talk me through some things to do.  They had me pop the back end and they went and got Jay first, of course.  Then I say, "I'm sorry, I'm not the lightest person on earth," and he says it's ok he is quite strong.  So ridiculous I am... But how sweet he was.  When I got out of the truck Jay was way over on the other side of the berm with a sweet mom and he was just looking at me like are you sure you're ok mommy.  So I went over and we hugged and I assured him I was fine, trying to make light of the overturned truck we had just walked out of.
The calvary was there very quickly, as there were 3 other accidents within a 2 mile distance.  I didn't get a ticket so I believe I didn't do anything reckless, thank God.  We did not go to the hospital even tho since the accident 10 years ago I always swore I would.  But we had nothing wrong at all.  Not to worry, the medical part is still open!  The paramedics talked to us for quite a while and waited until the tow truck came and then off they went to another accident scene.
Next came my girlfriends from church.  Now mind you I said I was in a crash.  Well, whatever.  Symantics.  They were more than a little sickened by the sight of the truck on its side.  We waited in the car until Tim got there.  My husbands truck.  It was good to see him.  And to be honest if that had happened in my car I know the hospital would have been our next stop!
One phrase has been teasing me- on the wings of a prayer.
Several people saw or were praying for me that morning.... HM.
I believe I might be the definition of on the wings of a prayer.  Or even Bon Jovi's 'Living on a prayer' song.  Makes me giggle a bit.
On the flip side, all your belongings fall on top of you and land at your side.  On the flip side you look up and your loved ones are suspended in air by the saving 'arms' of a seat belt.  On the flip side you walk on the edge where the door and windows come together to get out of the back of the truck.  On the flip side people just throw stuff out of your car to save you.  The flip side is looking ahead and seeing you are crooked and others are not.  The flip side makes you thankful for people teaching you to stand upright, to get your footing right, to help.  The flip side seems unreal, not in real time, feels like a dream or nightmare coming true.  I think I'm still a little flipped, but I am trying to figure out how to stand tall- with help and prayer and knowledge of what God does want from this flipped out lover of His soul.  He doesn't want me yet, obviously.  But I must say, I am tired of being on the flip side.  It's been a dwelling place these last few years- whether my own hard stuff or my family and friends hard stuff.  My balance is off and I am crooked.  He's got me tho:

Thank you Lord for keeping Jayson and me safe, that our truck hit nothing and hurt no one, and for the people you sent to help us.  Thank you for my friends and family who love me so much they would risk that drive to make sure they saw with their own eyes that we were ok.  And thank you for whatever you did to keep us unharmed.  Your hands or angels.  I praise you for that.  And thank you to the 2 friends that were praying at that moment.  That is amazing to know that you were asking them to pray and they did.  Thank you thank you.

Much love, but live right side up, will you please.  I need you to keep me from flipping again!

Vicki

Broken Food Processors

Today has been a hectic day- not so much in the things that we did. It was just heavy today. The whole week has been like that. Back MRI last Monday all to find out there is really nothing that can be done. Worried about sitting on a plane for 9 hours. But excited to do so. Finishing up a couple scanning jobs, getting a new one- all good again. So good. But realizing that it is almost 1 month since Sue died and still not really 'feeling' it which feels like something that just doesn't seem right. In light of Sue and of Chile and of cancer I wanted to get some healthy food in the house for me. I know you won't believe this, but I could become a health nut fairly easily. But I can't eat healthy if I don't have the food. So a few veggies later I have a huge veggie tray. But not until I had to defeat the beast of annoyance and the stupid food processors. My friend made good salsa so I asked for the recipe. It's my favorite veggie! So I bought the items, got them all into my food processor- and I do mean all the ingredients, plugged it in and saw tomato juice all over the counter. It was leaking and it wouldn't work. So yeah, take the bowl off, place it in the sink, clean up, throw away the processor. I have a descent blender so I was getting that out to use instead, when it slipped from my hand and broke onto the really nice wood floor- glass. UG. So I pick up the large shards and get it all thrown out, vacuum the remaining pieces and realize all I have left for options is to call someone and ask to borrow one or the other. But, gee I just wasn't in the mood to call anyone..... So I used my baby food processor. Not even kidding. Dumped each batch into a big bowl and mixed it all up. It tastes too tomato'y' but it's pretty good. I'm feeling like the leaking food processor. I'm squished with pain, physical and emotional, a deep whole in my heart, and a few issues with family that are HUGE. I have friends getting cancer, people who are cutting themselves off from the world as a part of their battle, and I have no understanding of how that helps anyone. The worst news being that Alex has a tumor in his bladder. It is not known what it is yet. But- well if you know me at all I don't even need to continue. Each issue is not about me- not something I have any control in whatsoever- a hard lesson I learned a while back. But oh how I just want to help. I want to help my friend who lost her husband. I want to help some acquaintances with their cancer journey. I want to save my sisters. I want to save Alex. I feel trapped in that food processor and the only way out is to ooze, and possibly break. I can't figure out if my emotions are trapped or just broken into shards on the floor. I look at the picture of Suzy Q, hear her say "so, what cha doing?" and just can't believe that smile is gone from this earth. I'm scared I didn't do enough for her- understand her enough, talk to her enough. I loved her enough, respected and adored her enough and spent time with her enough. She was one of my greatest friends and supporters. Food Processors are supposed to bring all the ingredients together to make a superb salsa, full of flavors and goodness. That's what I want my life to be like. But today, but for a while, I'm just seeping out, unable to combine or even define the ingredients that make me who I am. I'm broken. But I won't throw myself away! Nice reprieve on its way next weekend with a night away with 3 friends. And one really fun afternoon had with a couple ladies making one of the coolest crafts ever. Now before you worry too much you need to know that I know this is just a temporary feeling. I get that. I even get that it is kinda normal. And I love your responses. Love, Vicki, Polly, Esther

Gathering Hope

It just won't leave me alone, this gathering hope idea. So I decided to see what the bible has to say about hope. Here's a good one:

For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope. Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

So I see this hope gathering didn't start with me. That whole old testament- all that time before Christ died for us, was written for us, so we could gather scripture together to maintain hope. This scripture is found under the heading of Bearing Others' Burdens, in Romans 15:4-6. God is trying to clear up some of my stinkin thinkin right here and now. He expects us to comfort and be patient with one another, and like minded (which may explain why I share a brain with more that a few people). We should be thinking alike, in Jesus name and under His direction. Romans 15:13 continues;

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit

 Until we have hope in our hears and minds and living and breathing thru us we cannot have the joy and peace of believing. Maybe we can't believe fully until we understand the place that hope must have within us. I don't know. I know that Sweet Sue clung to hope. I always thought to myself hey, you know what- if this is how she dies, living in the hope that only God can give us, then where is the problem? She was a great woman with great faith and hope for everlasting life. No matter how it ended for her, she won. Hope won. We loose, which is what I wrestle with. We hoped she would get that new heart. We believed she would, that it was the natural next step. A heart attack was not on the list of things to happen next. I don't know why- it doesn't matter and she wouldn't want us hung up on that. I just know she had enough hope to make it until December 30, 2011. Hope for myself is a whole different story. I just expect to get cancer again. It's like it's just calloused inside me. It's probably defense mechanisms so I can cope if it does happen again. I don't know how to gather hope for myself. I know how to gather hope when I am with others. I know how to give hope to others. And I know that I need hope. And to some extent I do. I believe and am full of joy and peace almost always. I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit. I believe in healing. I just don't know what the plan is for my healing is all..... So maybe that is what I need to concentrate on- Hoping for God's plan to play out in my life and for me to remain in his grace with peace and joy no matter what the next month has in store for me. So here's to gathering and abounding in hope. When we can't do it for ourselves, we let others help us. It's commanded of us. Go give hope.

Kitchen Quotes

My kitchen has become my very favorite room. We were recently able to put in the most gorgeous granite counter tops. This after 10 years of an actual hole in the countertop due to moving cupboards around when the flooring got put in. I actually stopped noticing it. So did the people who spent the most time here! Now that's just sad. We also got to have the rest of the baseboards painted, took down a cupboard and it has just become my little spot. I even moved my computer in here. It's where I have my ipod playing my Christian tunes. It's my Christian room. Do you have one too?
On every wall there is something that has a bible verse on it. It's the room that is completely filled with truth and love. I have inspirational sayings like REJOICE and CELEBRATE LIFE and DELIGHT IN THE BEAUTY THAT SURROUNDS YOU an LIVE EVERY MOMENT, LAUGH EVERY DAY, LOVE BEYOND WORDS which is a picture frame and has a picture of Tim and I in it. It is the picture you see on my home page. I also have a wall hanging explaining GRACE as THE OVERFLOWING BLESSINGS AND GENEROUS FAVOR THAT COME FROM THE HAND OF GOD.
I also have bible verses, in my plants, on wall hangings, on my divet, on my windows.... I have Proverbs 24:3,4: By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established, and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. Proverbs 21:31: Victory belongs to the Lord. Proverbs 3:5: Trust in the Lord with all your heart. 1Peter 5:1: Cast all your anxiety upon Him because He cares for you. Hebrews 13:8: Jesus is the same yesterday and today and yes forever. And Psalm 18:30: As for God, His way is perfect.
Impressive isn't it....
Some new ones I bought today: WHERE THERE IS LOVE THERE IS LIFE; LIVE, LOVE LAUGH (I actually did not have that one yet); SHARE FAITH, OFFER PRAYER, GATHER HOPE.
That last one I found quite interesting. Gather hope. Like it isn't just something you can run out and grab. You have to take time and gather it. Gathering is always faster when you have some help. I like to gather with my friends. But until I read that I never really saw that when I get to do that I am filled with more hope, and love, and usually laughter. Hope is something that takes time to accumulate, time to believe, and time to share. Without hope, you can't love, laugh, or live a joyful life. Without hope you can't Rejoice. Without hope you can't see the love that is lavished on us from Jesus. All the verses above- they all express hope: hope for victory, trust, caring, perfection (thru Jesus only), and for family.
When you gather together, don't forget to bring the hope that sustains you. Don't forget to share it. Hope is a cornerstone of your faith, and faith is the only way to love and live life fully.
I have found a new life verse- for now.... "Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ." Ephesians 5:2 and I am going to get a tattoo that shows that verse. I am thinking a ring tattoo. That won't be too crazy when I am old. I envision a heart bursting with the blossoms of hope- one pink, for my breast cancer survivor friends, one teal for my ovarian cancer survival, and one red, for heart disease- in remembrance of my Sweet Sue. The heart stands for the life of love, the blossom for the hope in Christ.
I wish my kitchen was as Christian as it appears, and that all the conversation was just lovely and worthy and full of the love of Jesus. But I have 2 teenagers, and an 8 year old. The kitchen is a place of action- wrestling matches, food fights, yelling, crying and laughing. It is definitely not all Christian all the time. But of course neither am I. I know, I had you fooled didn't I?
Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love. That's because without Faith and Hope, you can't love.
Believe, Hope, and Love will be sure to follow.
Believe the truth, Hope in Jesus and His Love will carry you.
Believe that the Faith you have and the Hope that comes from it will fill your heart with the Love that only Jesus can provide you with.
Love is the greatest of these, because it can be the hardest to do.
Love well my friends. And they will know you are a Christ Follower; a Jesus Freak; and Bible Thumper.
I can live with those perceptions.

The Season of NOISE!

We went out to dinner tonight, a nice time with just Tim and Jay and I. Abbi and Austin were too teenagery to want to join us, so we left them. HA!

We went to a local restaurant where there 23 big flat screen televisions, more individual tv's on some tables, and 3 HUGE screen tv's. On each tv was a sports show or a news show, not every tv had a different show. It is the perfect ADD restaurant. I looked around an noticed not a single tv tuned to a conservative station at all. And the noise level was astounding. And two smokers had to put their cigarette butts in an ashtray outside our window, looked at me, and I just wanted to point to my head and say 'hey, that causes cancer and cancer sucks", which I have been known to do.

This time of year has so much stuff to do. There's just so much that I don't think anyone can come out of it unscathed by the stress and anxiety of having family and friends over or attending work functions, or going to friends and families houses. While it's beautiful, it's also crazy.

23 tv's. Different stations. Loud. Add a tv at the table to keep the youngsters entertained and you have the perfect environment to pick a tv and watch it instead of talking with your spouse. Now that's not what we did but you could watch people doing that. It was overwhelming. The noise. Oh my goodness.

But it got me thinking about the noise in our lives. I have friends and family going thru so much that sometimes I can't even hear the needs of myself or my own family. Marriages unravelling, friends/acquaintances having to go thru cancer treatments, friends suffering from extreme loneliness an depression, friends who need medications to cope with their bi polar tendencies who won't get the help they need, friends who have lost their spouse. It's so noisy.

I got to turn the noise down a bit this afternoon when I lunched with 3 friends, relaxed, did an 'easy' craft and then left to get stuff for a friend, go to Jays class for Santa Shop, run home to do some more laundry, not have to cook (YAY), having the kitchen completed for us (YAY) but running straight back into the noise.

This is supposed to be a season of rejoicing and loving and caring and giving. That is not noisy. Where does the stress come from when we are celebrating the birth of our Jesus. How is that stressful? We have to decorate, we have to get the tree out, we have to put up the lights, we have to, we have to, we have to.....

What we have to do is sit and read the story. Sit and absorb the GIFT that was given to us. Sit and contemplate that the birth led to the life, led to the ministry, led to the miracles, led to the betrayal, led to the death, led to the resurrection and leads to our salvation. That is not noise. That is the ocean waves against the sea shore, the raindrops on the roof, the roses in the garden, the deer walking thru the yard. It should be natural for us to want to sit and contemplate the deepest gift of love ever given, a birth with a mission and purpose designed by God. A son born to die to live so we can live. That is what this is about.

When the noise gets too loud and you can't hear the truth, sit down and contemplate the most love ever given to you. It is truly an amazing gift. Don't miss it. Don't let it escape. You can't buy it but you can give it. Go and share that love and spread what this season is really about. The birth of a savior who is Christ our King. It is CHRISTmas time. Merry Christmas.

Love well, love many, and love for keeps.

About Care

After the sermon on Sunday, a sermon that really affected me, a sermon I thought might take some time to work out in my head- I had to practice it that evening.

Caring is a trait even I can admit is something I enjoy and can do. I can do it well, and I can do it halfhearted. But caring has been a part of my heart for forever, even before Christ took over my heart.

Our sermon was on caring, bringing us to the parable of The Good Samaritan. Do you realize that the first two people to pass this injured bleeding man on the side of the road was a Priest and a Levite- the two highest powers in the earthly church- a pastor and a church leader.... passed him by. The people who should be the most caring to others in need passed him by. To show the humanity in even the highest ranks of the 'church' we find out that they don't stop because the hurt person was from Jerusalem- a person unworthy of their help. Unthinkable that men of the clothe could assume themselves so much better than a layperson of a different race. The way it was explained really was sickening. But the man who did stop and help was the man who had a reason to hate the hurt man. A Samaritan. He saw the need, the life and death need of that man and he helped him. He fixed him up as good as possible then paid for his room for a couple days and care from the roomkeeper AND said he would be back to give more money if it was needed.

Caring costs us.

I've learned to care more deeply and more passionately because of how me and my family were cared for by you. Thank you friends.

But more than that my children have seen caring in action and they have learned to care also. It's kind of like a monumental parenting moment when you see that they get it- how to care. Now Abbi has always shown care and concern for people, shed tears over people and bad situations. She can understand how people feel. But now it's Austin's turn.

On Sunday evening we found out that one of his best friends dad died. Mark was a kind and gentle man and he and his son Aaron were quite close. Austin and Aaron have been friends since first grade. Lots of history, lots of fun, lots of hanging out with the family. Kinda like brothers that get along! Aaron wanted to have some time with Austin just to have some normalcy. So we went over sunday evening and spent some time with my friend Laura and Aaron. They played xbox- dah- and Laura and I talked. But I watched Austin step up and be ready to care. When I told him what happened and that Aaron wanted to see him he was ready. I didn't have to explain the importance of friendship, of how hard that night would be, of how mixed the emotions of the whole family would be. He just was ready. He also got to spend the next day with him and Aaron's uncle just hanging out. I emailed all of Austins teachers explaining the situation and that if Aaron needed Austin then I wanted and Austin wanted to be able to be there. I was so surprised by the positive responses from them. But that is a side issue. The point is that he cares and to see it happen in front of your eyes is so amazing. My kids are awesome and some of it has to do with what they have witnessed from you, me, and their friends.

Caring costs. It takes time and energy and often money to care properly for someone in crisis. If we can take that first step and walk into their crisis, we will be able to care. If we hang back and just watch, we can't really help or care for them. Now who would walk past a family whose father and husband just died? Let me make it more challenging and add that he committed suicide. Now can you walk past? It's easier isn't it because the death just got so much harder, the caring got so much more committed.

Isaiah 58:10-11 says: If you take away the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness. If you extend your soul to the hungry and satisfy the afflicted soul, then you light shall dawn in the darkness and your darkness shall be as the noonday. The Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your soul in drought, strengthen your bones; you shall be like a watered garden and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

In other words, if we will pick up and help with the problems of others without judgement and pour our soul into their lives, then the light of our Lord will shine thru us. We don't have to worry about doing things 'right' because God will guide us and keep us strong enough to continue with caring for others. We will be rejuvenated with Gods love and care in our soul so we will always have enough love to care.

So I say again, Love on. And on and on and on and on and don't stop because you are scared. Your strength, your words, your hug, your meal might be the source of light that penetrates their soul. You might be one of many that bring the love of Jesus to them and makes the difference in their lives and salvation.

Caring deeply,

Vicki Pocket

The Truth Is...

It is always so good to go to my ladies bible study. Getting to know and growing with others ladies is really a great way to spend some time. Thursday is bible study day for us at Macomb. We've been learning about idols in our lives and how they affect us and our relationship with Jesus. At the beginning of the study I thought one of my idols was fear. I learned that fear is not the idol, but the thing you fear is the idol. Wonderful- now my idol is cancer? Being healthy again? How messed up is that? But it sure does help to see it for what it is so I can get rid of it more quickly. It's not like I handle it well anyway, so please, take it all away sweet Jesus.

I got totally busted on Thursday tho. One sweet woman asked me how I am and how my blood work has been. I actually started to lie! Then I just came out with it to our table. I've been withholding information, from everyone except Tim. Reasoning? To not worry anyone. Why? Because obviously I have control issues. About 2 weeks ago I called to get the CA 125 results from the blood test I took right after the PET scan in September. I wasn't really concerned since the PET scan was totally clear, so I didn't call for the results until about 2 weeks after the blood draw. Turns out I just shouldn't have called. My number we 35, which is right on the border of normal. I cannot even explain the terror that went thru my body, mind and soul. I did talk to my awesome nurse and she simply restated that the PET was clear and obviously the blood work needs to be redone in 3 weeks (which is next week). And after we prayed for all the prayer requests I outed myself to the whole group. But that means extra prayer! And in fact they just stopped and prayed over me right then and there. It was so awesome. I even cried a bit, which is an accomplishment with the numbness I feel right now.

How do I feel about all this? Well, I'm not as scared as I was and I am NOT letting it control me. I will be a bit of a wreck next week but really, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change what that darn test is gonna say. Nothing. To be honest I am thinking about not even calling to get the results knowing they will call me if necessary. We'll see.

So, I am fine and I do feel good. I also really think the number went up a bit because of the infection in my port and all that medicine, and the PET scan and all that radiation. I guess we'll know next week. Until then it is life to it's fullest.

So many friends having so many tests. It's hard to not give cancer a place of horror in my life. Get behind me and my friends you beastly idol.

Thank you for loving and listening and asking questions. Sometimes the questions are prompts from God from you to me. To be clear, I do not mind answering question or talking about my cancer. (And normally I don't feel the need to lie!) She just asked the right question at the exact moment it needed to be asked. Thanks girl.

Vicki Pocket.