Grenades

Our sermon in church this week was amazing. We heard a story of a hero. A soldier in Iraq that died for his unit while doing house to house checks. He was shot at one house, as were some of his buddies. The shot did not kill him. While the shoot out was happening a grenade was thrown by the enemy and it landed by this man. He reached for the grenade and tucked it under himself by his heart. He knew he would save many yet loose his own life. He had great honor and commitment to his unit. He had also just become a Christian, being baptized in a hole filled with water. He was learning about Christ's love for him, learning about the price Jesus paid for our sins. And he obeyed the ultimate command, to love others as Christ loves you: to do for others what you would want done for you.
We have grenades launched at us all day everyday. Some of them are really big, some just small annoyances. We just take those grenades, hold them close to our hearts so that the ones we love may be spared. Isn't that what we do as women? We always want to take care of others. Soldiers for our families and friends. Its important for us to handle our grenades carefully. We have to be sure we handle them the way others would handle them for us. Have you ever had the privilege of doing for someone else? Isn't it just the greatest to be a blessing for someone else? I wonder what God had to say to that soldier in Iraq. For sure Well done Good and Faithful servant. How proud God must have been at the mans bravery and most importantly his selflessness.
It is amazing to have the chance to be selfless. To give money or things to others in need. To bring meals to others. To bring up our children to love God. To serve the church, Jesus, in our everyday life. Grenades: speeding tickets, school projects, bullies, illness, headaches, family strife, financial issues, job loss, job change, moving, staying, death, broken hearts... So many for us to catch. So many for us to handle. I hope we continue to learn to give the grenades to our Father. He can take the explosion for us. I hope we can learn to tuck the grenade in to our hearts so God can take it. He holds our hearts, therefore he holds the grenades as well. So tuck them away my friends. Hold them close knowing that who you are protecting is who God wants you to protect. Knowing that who you are loving in spite of or because of the grenade is who God wants you to love. Earn your hero status by letting God be your hero. Because we will never be good enough. We can only be humble enough to take our gift of life from God and to live our lives as he would want. So live this life. Serve. Love. Handle Grenades with care....

God IS GOOD

So many things to say today. After such a good report from my oncologist I just go to thinking about how good God is.

And that is where my problem begins: God is good.

I received the study drug, extended version. Very good news since it shows a good correlation of a lower rate of recurrence basically. So my comment, my thoughts were God is so good. When faced with the decision to be in a trial we jumped at the chance. But at that moment of facing cancer and that battle I just couldn't handle worrying about whether or not I was getting the trial drug. I plainly said to God- hey you've got this one. I cannot think of another thing. You work it out to way you want it- either I get it or I don't.

So the question is: how would I feel if I found out today that I wasn't receiving the drug? We always thought I was based on certain side effects, but never knew for certain. I was scared to find out for certain. I am sure that had nothing to do with the fact that when I signed in they gave me papers for an Advanced Directive. Um, seriously? Followed by the paper stating the study was complete and I could ask my Doctor if I was in the study. I was the only one of his patients that was. WHY??

God? Of course. But does that mean the other ladies didn't have God? Doubtful. If I found out I had received the placebo would I still be saying God is so good? Is God bad when people aren't in the study?

I've decided I would (eventually). Why you ask. Well because God IS GOOD. That is who He is. He can't even think bad let alone act badly. So since he is good even my not receiving the study drug would be ok. Recurrence would be ok. And it would. Because there would be some reason that God wanted me back in that place. Of course I don't know what that reason would be, but that is just sometimes not for us to know.

I think God just treated me with extra grace- his specialty. For that there are really no words. I've been humbled so many times during this process. Thankfully God just gives out his grace to us at every turn- even the bad turns.

Life is moving from one normal to the next normal. We will never get to just stay in that one happy moment. We just won't. Life is hard. Life is unfair to all. We all have a thing. And recovery from that thing is accepting the new normal. So maybe we go from normal to the new normal to the next new normal. Constant change for an unchanging and every powerful God who loves us. If we don't change, we'll miss Him. So I'm heading for that new normal and I know plenty of people heading that direction as well. Me? I'm just trying to find the balance between remembering that cancer is a part of my life and I can't busy my way out of it. So some sense of slowness is coming around my corner.

So cancer- you do not have power over me. You are just another avenue to prove God is real and true and loving, no matter what the future results might be.

God is GOOD- even if I get cancer again.

Still Blooming

It is strange how a song can change your perspective. I've written about this song before, "My faith is in Bloom" by Aron Kirk, our beloved and talented worship minister. I went back to the meaning of that song because of an upcoming worship session.

I realized that my faith is still in bloom. I realized that the blooming was not about the cancer, but about faith. There is a part of me that wonders if cancer happened to get my attention focused on what God had in store for me. I say that because my journey was not really about dealing with cancer. It was about having faith in the middle of a crisis, of pain and suffering.

Blooming is about letting those seeds of suffering become something beautiful. Blooming is about letting God have control over the suffering as he has control over nature and the flowers that bloom. We are ultimately created for his happiness. For His happiness. We make him happy. How much happier he must be when we show the love that he has for us and for others during our suffering.

It's like this. First a seed gets thrown into the ground a covered with soil. What we don't see is that the soil has the nutrients the seed needs in order to grow. Add the sunshine and the rain and you've got the perfect recipe for a beautiful flower.

We are that seed, thrown into this world (soil). Our soil has the nutrients we need: relationship with God. He nurtures our soul, infiltrates it with the SON and the water needed for our growth. We can only blossom if we grow. We can only grow if we have experiences to learn from. And those experiences that we learn the most from include suffering.

We are promised as Christians that we will suffer. It is a part of the fall, a promise made and kept since time began. Jesus loved us enough to suffer the most excruciating death. Not only the pain of the nails and the weight of his body, but the very real pain of our sin.

If Jesus suffered we should expect the same. But Jesus is the fullest bloom we could ever see- like an amaryllis. He blooms with the love of God-as man, spirit and God. We are mere clovers, constantly mowed down or eaten by the animals, always covered by the shadow of our beautiful Lord.

Let his shadow cover you. Let his shadow hover over you and lead you on your path of life changing blossoms.

I don't want cancer to be my story. My story is so much more than that. It is about a faith I didn't know existed-one that has changed every song I hear, every sermon spoken into a personal message from God. Words have become a part of the nutrients I need to bloom. They are life giving and life changing. They come from God in the form of song, thought, and action. They come from a renewed interest and thirst for bible study. Words are so much more than they used to be. They are full of messages from the SON that shines down on my seeds of suffering to cheer me on to a beautiful bloom.

And together what a beautiful garden we are- my family, friends and church family. A blossom farm, awaiting the great harvest.

Bloom with me, and I'll meet you at the harvest party.

With love,

Vicki

De-Port-tation Day

What a glorious day it was yesterday, getting my port removed. So much of it was a bit surreal but so worth it. Part of me says how awesome to finally complete this circle of Cancer and all that it brings. But another side is nervous that I am being too confident. But in reality I did have the port for a year after the chemo treatments, so I think it was time for it to go. It is pretty for a contraption designed to administer poison to the body- albeit a necessary step in my cancer journey. It's purple, because it always matters what is under your skin, and a purple titanium port is really just wonderful. Why I felt I needed to keep it is unknown, but I felt I did.

I have to say my favorite part is that my vein in my neck does not stick out any longer. And, I don't have a bump on my upper chest. Always a bonus.

So I am calling this a leap of faith that I am healed. Healed by the poison, healed by God.

Polly gets to take a break.

Yeah, whatever.

Vicki

Goodbye

So tomorrow is my last study drug treatment. I am really excited but also feeling a little emotional. Not going to see my nurses every 3 weeks- it's my schedule, it's what I do. It's scary. My body will be on its own. And the anxiety is creeping in. I should be wanting to have a party, but I'm crying instead. Now what the heck is that all about?

My follow up will be: every 3 months CT scan and blood work for the next 2 years. Then it goes to every 6 months for 2 years, then yearly....

Avastin, the study drug. Maybe I am afraid I am not getting it- I don't know. I am almost sure I am. Can't make up mouth sores and nose sores and weird tastes... I know they are testing to see if it is effective in reducing the recurrence rate, but I also hope it helps with the increased chance of getting breast cancer. But I am letting it own me again. Guess strength comes in waves. At least the waves are much bigger and higher than when I first found out about the cancer. That's improvement.

It seems I haven't been giving God much spare time lately. It seems like there is no time. I hate moments like those. So I think tonight I will go over a few sermon notes. Man we have been having some great sermons. I have a lot to say but it just isn't going to happen today.

So tomorrow- last treatment. I pray it is the last of my lifetime.

Somehow

So my second to last treatment was last Tuesday. Tim came with me which was nice since he doesn't always get to come because of work. We got to see Chris, our NP and she is doing well. You might include her in your prayers as she lost her husband about 2 months ago to prostate cancer. Younger guy, 45 or so. But she is a believer and is pressing on and caring for those of us that love and need her. I am one of the only patients that knows- somehow we just clicked right away and sorta blobbed our whole stories out there for each to know. Some how of course being God. He is the some how so many times.

Some how we were in the waiting room with an oncology nurse who was about to find out if she had Ovarian Cancer. She was a trip. But she talked boldly about her faith and shared that and angel had told her she had cancer, then came back and told her it was gone. I know she was one week from her hyterectomy. I choose to believe that her angel was real and telling the truth.

Some how I was sitting next to a newly diagnosed older woman with ovarian cancer. How all this came up is that a woman sitting across from me, waiting for our chair, had on a cap that was white with the teal ribbon and HOPE written thru it. Not often you see Teal ribbons- but that is another soap box. I asked her about it and it turns out her daughter had them made when she was diagnosed and that they were in fact running in a marathon in her honor. She was supposed to go but had to start chemo again. 10th treatment. She looked good and we didn't talk deep, but having to do a little more probably is not the best. But then the conversation started with the woman next to me who showed me the coolest bead made of glass and a teal ribbon inside of it. Beautiful indeed. She was on her second treatment, which means she had just lost her hair, but was fairing pretty well. I did ask what stage her cancer was and she said she doesn't know and doesn't want to know. Funny how different we all can be. Here I am wanting to know all the answers to my questions, and here she is with no questions, just blindly following. I understand it, though. The more you know the scarier it is for sure. She just said it didn't matter because she was going to whoop it anyway.

You just don't find a bunch of Ovarian Cancer people all in the same place, even in the chemo room. Some how arranges that for you some times.

Plus, the girls all but told me that I am getting the study drug. I mean we already felt secure that we were, but its nice to have a little confirmation. And on that lovely note, I only have one left. One more treatment that can wipe me out. One more round of constipation. One more round of mouth weirdness. One more month of eating without an appetite or much taste. But I am so excited that the medicine was mine. I am so excited that I will be followed so carefully for the next 2 years. Every 3 months a CT scan- yes, I know what they do to me, but I will not complain. I am being watched more carefully. That is a blessing. And, I may just be able to get this port out soon. Maybe right after that last treatment. Then you know what is next, right?? The tattoo! Oh yes I am! I think a Heart, with JESUS JUICE on the right side, and LIVES OUT LOUD on the left- we'll see. Ideas would be valued.

As for Polly- she's kind of a normal every day presence here at our home. She kinda doesn't know when to go to bed! And she's been making me go like a maniac. But I really enjoy her. She's the cool I never could be!!

Some how WILL get you thru.

Love to you all.

Vicki- Volly- Pocky- HMMM, how do we combine that one?

Fireproof

Our home group just watched Fireproof. It wasn't quite as hokey the second time around. So much anger in that movie- such a beautiful resolution to it all. Sometimes, saying 'I'm sorry' goes a very long way.

We had fun being together- ate way too much blueberry jello. Which just adds to my identity crisis since I don't like stuff in my jello. Just give me jello, none of that fancy stuff. Well, now that opinion is just blown wide open!! Loved it.

So the identity crisis you ask. Well, a few things. Now that I highlighted my hair I look like my middle sister. Which is wonderful. If I were to let it grow longer and keep up the highlights I would look like my youngest sister. See, I always had that one critical characteristic that made me me- the curly hair. I was the sister with the curly hair. That's it. Also the oldest, but whatever on that one. Sometimes the new normal is kinda hard.

Since my last treatment I just haven't been myself. Not sure why, can't quite seem to get to the bottom of it. I want to be busy, but I want to sleep. I want to be with people but I want to stay home. I want to cook dinner, but I don't. It's like a motivation factor. Motivation has never really been an issue. Of course it could just be that I feel like crap and I keep having coughing attacks and maybe should get a chest xray- but I don't wanna.

What also is stressing me out is this lack of raw emotion. Man, I was the queen of crying or reacting to something terrible or wonderful. Now just not so much. I feel horizontal- no ups, no downs. I just am. I mean I can get my game on at times, but I don't have the stamina anymore to keep it up. Not even with the school board, and you all know how that is going.

I suppose it has been a rather overwhelming year for me and my family and maybe I need to just let that settle in. i just want normal back, but I haven't defined what that is. Kinda goes back to the whole waiting game. Now I'm waiting to see who I am and what I am capable of. I have figured out that I am much more outspoken and opinionated. Like, maybe too much. So feel free to stop me if necessary.

Kids are doing great in school as far as I know. Austin is playing football for the first year and that is giving me a heart attack. Abbi is in the high school and seems to be faring well. She is going to help with back stage scenes for the play. That is good. I just want her involved. Although stage people..... so judgemental I am.

I hope I am fireproof. I feel like I continually have to fight to keep myself in check. I want to be able to live thru this again if necessary. Not by my will, but by my Lords. Maybe that is it- I am not flying on his wings and that is what I need to do. Eagles Wings.

Ok, then it must be time for me to fly (hear REO Speedwagon here)

Love to you all.