That Chemo

Well, I guess it's time I fess up about the last chemo session I had on Tuesday. It was all normal (whatever) until about 3:00 when Shelly asked me about my eyes, which were red on the inside lids. I said they were fine, but then less than a minute later my head had some weird feelings, like smooshing in on itself and then my hands started itching like crazy. Turns out that is the most common sign of an allergic reaction for carboplatin. The nurses yelled "Vicki cant' have carbo anymore" and the unplugging of the chemo and the addition of benedryl and hydrocortizone and more zolfran made for one very exciting few minutes. I had a a red stripe from the back of my neck to my chest making me look like a skunk really. Quite strange. Course I had to pee, but couldn't until I could focus again. When I saw myself in the mirror- oh my.... So that's the real story. And it wasn't fun and it is still bugging me I think. Been more tired and more queasy than usual.

Now I did get really freaked because I thought the reaction meant I was rejecting the chemo- which wouldn't be good of course. But after talking to 3 people (yes, I'm serious) I found out that this reaction happens to everyone who gets carboplatin, either at the first treatment or sometime after the 6th. The one on tuesday would be my 8th. So the next drug they would use they think is cysplatin.

So as the story goes, I did get most of the carbo which is good I hope. Since I didn't get my complete treatment I don't really know what that means. I have a CT scan on the 8th and an appt. on the 11th so I will know more then. Until then life goes on with the Willey reunion here on the 6th, my mom's family reunion on the 20th in Chicago. Then, if we have to, another chemo that next week.

Altho that day was very unpleasant I have had a sense of peace I hadn't felt yet. I call it- whatever. Ingenious isn't it. I figure the allergic reaction happened for a reason. Maybe it isn't the right chemo. Maybe the cancer is gone so I didn't need anymore. Whatever. It happened, it was scary and surreal. And it makes it all the more mysterious and sucky.

So that's the story. My prayer request is obvious. I ask that the cancer be gone and that God heals me- physically and emotionally. And, I'd love you to post healing scripture in the well wishes. I've written a few down, but....

Thanks for coming with me. And thank you mom for staying and doing all the small stuff, and for refinishing my table and chairs. They look marvelous.

Vicki

Another Garder

I know that when I write it may not make a lot of sense to some of you. Most of what I write about stems from our sermon at church. Today is no different. I'll try to explain better....

Today we went over how the type of 'soil' our faith is built on affects our life. How do we understand Christ? By being encouraged in our hearts and believing the fundamentals of Gods character, and by being united in love. United as a church body, united as friends, willing to go thru each others crap in life.

Aron had a great story- well really a ton of great stories. But the groundhog seems to be the highlight for me. You see (my words here) we spend so much time getting ready to sow our seeds- tilling the garden, breaking up the larger pieces of dirt and throwing out the rocks, fertilizing, and planting in an orderly fashion. An orderly manner. That one talked to me. Order. When life throws rocks at us we don't see order, we see chaos and ruin and we worry. We forget about the order. Order is necessary to keep the garden growing strong, to keep the plants where they can root properly so they can bear fruit. When there is no order, the roots can't grip into the ground firmly so the plant isn't strong so it doesn't bear much fruit.

Well, then the groundhogs come around and actually eat the plants, causing even more disorder. Now Aron has some ways of taking care of groundhogs (and so do the Willey's including a bb gun) one of them being bonking them on the head with a shovel. Now he didn't do it- don't go hollering at him..... The point: groundhogs ruin our order and our garden and sometimes they uproot the plant. (thinking that fence isn't really going to stop them by the way). An uprooted plant needs a lot of care and compassion and encouragement and friends to help get the roots planted firmly back onto good soil.

I don't know why the pastors at my church keep talking about me on Sundays. Seriously. How do they know so much.

But today I left fully aware that what I am is that tree, in a drought, whose roots are growing down deeper to search for the living water so that it miraculously makes the tree stronger during the drought. I've done it before. That satan is trying to discourage my heart, making me hear the statistics and the normal route that my ovarian cancer takes. Making me listen to how it's just gonna be my new way of life, on and off chemo.... It's all plausible, possible, understandable. Go away groundhog. My roots are so much deeper than that. I just forgot for a minute or two. I know who Christ is. He is what I strive to be like. He helps me to be united with my friends in their time of need. He leads me to people who need me. He leads people to me who I need. He makes me stronger because he is my heart. He is my healer in whatever way he chooses to heal me.

I've been reading and saying and praying healing scripture that my lovely sister in law sent to me. I have been choosing to believe health and healing. Then getting that number last week of 48. I really believe that on tuesday when I go for that second and hopefully final round of chemo my number will already be in the normal range. I'm just believing.

I am taking my Jesus Juice cross with me again, and that chemo is going to be Jesus running thru my veins, healing me.

I know I'm planted on good soil- not on a path, not on rocky soil, not on thorny soil, but good soil, tilled and tended to by the great gardener, ordered by Christ. So what can that groundhog do? I officially bop him on his head with Jesus. He can't 'unorder' me any more.

Love you all so much. Thank you for praying. I hope we don't have to go on this journey again! But thank you for being the people united for me in love and encouragement, pointing me in the right direction.

Order: Jesus, family, friends, church, groundhogs. Cancer is my groundhog, not my roots. What's your groundhog?

Vicki and possibly some Polly....

Admonishing

I wanted you all to know that I did get my first CA 125 blood test on Wednesday. The good news is that it is lower, down to 78 from 111. It's only been 2 weeks since the first chemo so I feel fairly confident about it. Praise God the number is coming down. Absolutely. But would we if it didn't? What if it went up? Then what? We blame him? We panic? What? If you said Praise God when it went up I'd be crushed. But God would still be there. God would still be in control. God would still be the one I rely on. But praise him at that point? How do you do that?

And speaking about confidence, I don't have any. Even tho I kinda always expected to have a recurrence I never really thought it would happen. All those facts I learned the first time around- I just wanted all that fear and insecurity to go away. I just wanted to go on with life and live normally. And I stopped writing about all the things that God was doing in my life. Which makes me wonder if that is why this is happening again. Did I stop giving God the glory? Did I forget about him too much? Did I not share enough?

Now I called this admonishing for a reason. I know the above is not true. I know that. My thinking needs to be put into the proper order. The problem is that I'm not feeling much. Numb is how I describe it. Kinda like hit by a truck then it backed over me. I mean the timing of this, the fact that I couldn't go to CIY this year, my hair just getting curly again, baseball and end of school year again. Seriously? So how am I supposed to make it thru next may and june? It's just wrong.

So I am not stuck in a pit, I am not mad at God, I am not blaming myself or diet or whatever people want to do or say about that. I'm freaked because the chemo along with the anti nausea meds did not make me have those 3 super yucky days. Praise God you say? Here's my take- the chemo isn't working.... See- admonish away!!

Even sicker still- being relieved when my hair started to fall out! Remember last time it was the worst thing? This time I did it myself, just before I left the house to get Austin from CIY for baseball. Not kidding. Whatever.

So I need the admonishing because I am not feeling God right now. I did not say I have no faith. I did not say I am mad at him or blame him. I am just lacking feeling. I know he's here. I know you are interceding for me. I know he loves me and has me in the palm of his hand. I know. I just feel overwhelmed and defeated and confused and concerned and just want to be at the end of this. And that is the problem. There is no end. This is the new life. And yes, that pisses me off.

So yeah, as a mature Christian I feel like I am not doing justice to what God is doing. So I am going to try writing again, see if that helps me to see, feel and hear him in each step of this journey. I am perfect for the job of serving and not knowing everything! That is me! But I do learn so much from God. I just don't get it right now.

Christ is the hope and glory within me. Repeat. Then believe it. Then it'll feel real.

Hope and Glory are in me because of Jesus.

Hope. That is the feeling I am lacking.

Ok, blathering is happening. Thanks for listening.

Much love,

Vicki