One year ago...

So, yeah, it's really late, but my mind is stuck so I thought I'd give it a voice. Got stuck on one year ago today- Shelly came over at about 7:00 am with coffee, in her jammies to be with me until Tim got home from work. July 18th was my first chemo. Didn't sleep much that night. Think I might fast again tomorrow, just to remember all those who have and are suffering the madness of cancer. Man it messes with your head.

So at the first chemo treatment Shelly, my dad, and my sister came. We filled the place to be sure. I had my Jesus Juice cross to go with the medicine. Shelly brought a craft, but I was too scared to even move- my fingers just wouldn't move. Oh the tension, the reality that seemed to be not real, the slow motion of the whole day. But paper roses were made, laughs did happen, and the beginning of some great aquaintances started. Infusion rooms are a busy place- young people, old people, first timers, and people who were ready for their final treatment. A bond you don't want to have to share. I sure hope I am your 20% that gets cancer!

Today I will fast, in remembrance of my journey, and for those to follow, those who went before. I still have my list- a running list that grows monthly.

Cancer changes who you are- gives you this new beginning that you didn't ask for and don't exactly know what to do with. The forgetfulness, the appearance change, the confidence change, the inability to focus, to commit, to challenge too much. A limbo that just has a life of its own.

I am not that scared any more, but struggle with different issues now- like what is my body supposed to feel like and act like? How long do I have to look like a cancer patient? Am I survivor yet or is it called something else? Am I doing too much but being back to normal activity? It doesn't feel like it.

Current fears: well, that pesky 40% increased chance of breast cancer, my CA 125 coming up on Tuesday along with my treatment. Pit dwelling material.

Remember to talk to that bald person if you can. They could use a happy face- a normal conversation.

Remember to pray for us survivors, for strength and courage and the ability to know our bodies. Pray for the people receiving treatment- my sister's sister in law Donna being one of them.

Thank you for coming with me.

Much love,

Vicki