Ultimatums

I am not sure how it happened. I really didn't realize that I did it. And only one person told me about it. I gave God an ultimatum. Wow. Thought I knew better than to do that. I told him what my sign would be, for healing and a cancer free life. Well, no-one has that sign now do they. So as I was driving to my appointment today we had a little talk. I apologized for demanding a certain sign from Him. I confessed how scared I am of recurrance and how I just don't ever want to do chemo again. I thanked Him for the peace and the strength He has given me so far. I also said that whatever happened today I would not push Him away. And I decided to focus on today only (except for the Beth Moore homework I have to do- all 5 days since I haven't been able to concentrate!) I know He listened and is in charge, not because my number was a bit lower, but because He is my God and is the only real control there is. Sure wish that meant I won't do it again, but those pits are just plain deep a week before my next test- yes, I've noticed the pattern! Just wait, we get to have a CT scan, too, before the next treatment and blood test. What fun.

So thank you to my dear friend who unknowingly helped me to see what I did. And thank you all for loving me in spite of the pits and the crazy talk at times. Feel free to call me out when necessary- especially if I am writing after 10:00 pm!

As for the CA 125 it is 27, down from 31. Feels more comfortable to me. I would still like to see below 20, but maybe below 20 means I don't rely on God as much- maybe it means I become too self sufficient again- maybe it means I take on too much. Who but God knows. So I trust He'll keep me where I need to be so He can continue to use me and my story about cancer and Him as He sees fit.

Have I mentioned that I love Jesus?

So does Polly. But she needs to stop jumping out of His hands. I think she is sassier than me!!

Love you all,

Vicki