Friendship

Proverbs 27: 19  As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart. 

I have a tendency to take friendship very seriously.  I know why I do.  It's because I have screwed up so many good friendships.  I screw up even now.  I wish to be perfect, but it just isn't going to happen. My childhood friendships were great and exactly what they should have been.  I don't think I started screwing up until high school.  You may or may not know that I rather disliked my husband in High School.  It's soooo true.  But I didn't mess that one up (just like now, it's never me::))

Proverbs 27:6  Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

To be honest I started to be selfish in HS.  I thought I wanted to be 'popular' but now I know differently.  I've learned that even as a teen, I liked a lot of different people-according to HS classifications!  I had some hilarious relationships with some popular people, some awesome friendships with some banders (of which I got to be a part of for one year), and the jokes between the burnouts and me were so funny.  I wasn't stupid, I made sure I had my back covered by strong fighters just in case someone wanted to fight me.  That didn't happen.  It did to my sister, but that's for another day…..

I have figured out why I can't stand the word 'clique'.  I hate it because it basically puts people in a box and if you're in a box, you can't grow and mature.  I was the girl who made sure that when the mentally disabled boy in our neighborhood wanted to play with us he was welcomed.  I was the girl who went on a date with a guy whose speech no one could understand.  He was wheelchair bound and I believe he had MS. I could understand most of what he said because my dear uncle Darwin had MS and we all learned to understand and 'speak' that language.  I had a heart for him because I could see all the looks on others faces when he'd try to ask a question in class.  I helped translate.  I've just have never been afraid to approach someone just because they are different.  I'm not afraid to say that I didn't quite understand what they just said could they repeat it…. I'm not really afraid to say a whole lot.

So I guess I hate the word 'clique' because I never got to be a part of one.  That's what I mean by selfish.  One friend, who lived so close to me, we just drifted apart.  No issue, we just went different ways. Other friends were the lets get the party going friends.  I really needed them because I was stuck in a really unhappy relationship and at that time in my life wasn't strong enough to stick up for myself.  When I saw a blue VW Rabbit a few weeks ago I laughed out loud.  That was my car-a car used for sneaking into drive in movies, cruising around downtown and throwing cinnamon gummy bears at Harley Dudes, and racing around in general.  I'm glad cars can't talk.

So on to college and a couple of really great roommates.  I had too many friends that I talked to.  Too many that I shared my heart.  And at least once I hurt a friend deeply.  The one I'll focus on is the one that still haunts me.  While there is a reason for what I did, it is irrelevant.  I told someone else something I wasn't supposed to tell, and it ruined her reputation, our friendship, and my friendship with our mutual roommate.  I've still to this day never felt so badly about causing so much pain to someone I loved.

Proverbs 17:9  Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever    repeats the matter separates close friends.

Which brings me to being an adult.  I have been blessed with friends. I have many friends from many different areas of life, many different kinds of people because I love different kinds of people.  I'm not sure what normal is, but I can assure you I haven't a normal friend in the bunch!  I've learned, thru some very hurtful circumstances to be very particular about who I let IN.  And while I understand that I share a lot of who I am on these pages, these pages do not have a personality.  They aren't me.  But you do know quite a bit about me.  I have 3 friends I trust with my heart.  I truly believe that no one should have too many people who know their hearts desires.  People are just not trustworthy.  I have these 3 friends because of God.  I know that God brought them into my life, to be, or do for me when I can't.  I know God brought Bethany and I together because we didn't like each other at first!! In fact, our mutual friend made us go out one night together to 'The Flats' in Cleveland.  It's impossible to not have fun in The Flats.  We dressed 'to the 9's' for that night and we learned that we really had a lot in common and a TON not in common.  It's been 25 years, and 22 of them have been long distance.  We are able to not talk for weeks and know that nothing has changed between us.  It's awesome.  God brought Shelly into my life when I was teaching Kindergarten.  I know that was from God because she totally intimidated me because she was such an awesome teacher.  I wanted to be like her.  It took us a bit to get close, but when we were pregnant together with Austin and Micayla, there was no breaking us apart.  We fought over the bathroom almost daily, I watched her drink her Vernors every day and be sick everyday.  We ran after 'runaways' often (please take a moment and picture that-we weren't small pregnant women!)  It's been 20 years.  And Teri- totally a God thing, via Facebook!  I messaged her that I thought we should meet because she knew a few of my friends, one from church and others from Romeo.  So I just had to meet her.  I stalked her comments to learn more about her.  She actually said yes to meeting and here we are today.  She has only known me post cancer.  Talk about a roller coaster ride.  I've been downright crazy, depressed, hyper, hopeful, hopeless….That's how she knows me.  It's been 5 years now.

Proverbs 27:17  As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

God has quite a bit to say about friendship.  I wanted to share it because I know friendship can be hard and hurtful.  I think the most important part of friendship is honesty, even when it hurts.  If we can't say what we mean then why are we talking?  Being honest brings growth to both parties.  It teaches us more about each other's hearts and why they work the way they do.  In fact in just the last 2 weeks I've done a lot of learning and begun to understand quite a bit.  Mostly, God chooses friends really well for me.  That I am fiercely loyal and protective of those relationships and will not give up on them because I know that God brought us together.  I will never stop learning how to be a good friend. (BTW, the same rule applies to my marriage.)

1 John 4:11  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us…  Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.

Proverbs 27:9  Perfumes and incense bring you to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice. 

Having an issue with a friend?  Have you said or done something, been dishonest, been gossiping?  Then fix it.  Don't explain it away.  Don't blame them.  Don't give up.  Go, in love, and talk.  If you're in a box, get OUT and broaden your base of friends.  Get out of your box and love differently, love the way they need love.  Jesus did.  He even called Judas his friend at the moment of deception.

2 Peter 3:14  So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him.

Job 2:11-13  When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.  When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust not heir heads.  Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights.  No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.  

Thank you for loving me, even when you don't know me well.  Thank you for loving me the way I need, because sometimes I don't even know what I need for love.

Vicki

 

For Sheri

Today I said goodbye to a friend I have known for less than 2 years. I didn't get the courage to say this at her funeral today, so I'll say it here, on a piece of 'paper' where I can delete my mistakes, my stammerings and the look of horror on my face when I am in front of people.

I am not a good friend of Sheri's, but our daughters are good friends.  We know each other because of them.  We knew our families were both Christian.  We knew each other because we both had cancer.

When I learned about her diagnosis about a year ago I was devastated.  Not for me, please understand.  For her family, for her daughter Haylee that I just adore.  Because cancer has been a way of life for the last 6 years of my life I have a tendency to get in contact with people I know who are newly diagnosed.  It's just part of what I do.  Sheri and I texted.  I learned the name of her rare lung cancer, knew its stage, and knew it wasn't good.  About a month later we saw each other at the Newsboys concert.  I gave her a hug and we chatted a bit.  She said something extraordinary that day.  It never left my brain (amazing as that sounds, it's true)  She said she is believing her body is healed already and that whatever she has to do for treatment is just insurance.  She believed she was healed.  She was right.

I learned so much about her this week.  I think her favorite color was pink.  She liked M&Ms and Hersheys.  She loved vacations.  She adored her family.  She has the best adoption story ever.  She was scared.  She loved.  She was loved.  Her husband is incredibly strong in his faith, as are her children.

The funeral was a celebration.  It was upbeat.  Everyone knows where she is and how whole she is.  Everyone knew of her faith.  Distraught was not the emotion of the day.  While sadness and heaviness were present, no one seemed to have lost their heart to complete brokenness.

But that is not what I was going to say.  I was going to say that Sheri is an Esther. She was ready for such a time as this.  She wasn't afraid of facing what may kill her because she knew that her God would be there for her, no matter what His will was.  I was going to say that she knew and accepted that healing may come in life after death.  Remember how long it took for me to get thru that?  I'm not entirely sure I am completely thru it but at least I understand it better.  It's a wonder why that ending is regarded as the worst, when the reality is that it is the best; for all of us. Why do I spend time scared of Heaven?  Ridiculous.  Of course it isn't really being scared of Heaven, it's being scared of leaving family and friends.  It's being scared of their grief and missing the future you've always dreamed of having with them.

During the funeral I had thoughts about what I didn't know about Sheri and how we weren't really friends, but shared life when we needed or wanted to.  I wasn't feeling guilt about that and I think that was because I did what she wanted.  She had a great friend and church and family base and wasn't in need of more support like that.  But we understood that we both had a small part in each others lives, if only to love each others daughters, and occasionally complain to and encourage each other.  I kid you not, during the talk the pastor said there were some gifts people could give to Sheri now, and one of them was to let go of 'shoulda, woulda, coulda' and just be.  I don't know how freeing that was for some people but I know it had to be freeing for some.  Regrets are haunting.  Regrets about someone who has died must be absolutely horrifying.  I can hear myself saying to people 'I wish I coulda….' and I've heard so many others say the same.  If you have one of those moments, then do it!  Just freaking do it.  I think that will be one of my new goals; to move, do, go when those feelings come to me.  I understand that there are times in life when we can't do- especially in mine and we need to give ourselves a break at those times. When we have no excuses, when our heart says do, pay attention to that prompting of the Holy Spirit.  Maybe the regrets are because we didn't listen to our God.

Today I learned that Sheri and I had a lot in common, an awesome family, friend and church base that are supportive and loving in so many ways, and an intense love of pink and chocolate.  I think we coulda, woulda, shoulda been better friends, but I have no guilt because she was so loved.

And so am I.  Thank you so very much loving well.

On almost 6 years

I've been spending the last 2 days updating my blog with my old entries from my LHH.  I've been wanting to have the 'whole' story all in one spot, mostly so I don't loose it!
Looking back at some of the entries I actually remember writing them.  I remember the feelings of being scared, of waiting, of all of the firsts.  I remember being scared to write and share!  I shared so many boring numbers with you-but I was sharing and that was HUGE for me.  Hard to believe now, but sharing wasn't and still isn't a strong suit of mine. Quite a bit has changed hasn't it.
Remembering my hair falling out and the whole wig debacle! Such a very bad day that was.  I remember being so self conscious about being bald.  Now I just walk around bald and don't feel weird about it.  I remember the looks I got from people, the lack of eye contact.  Now it just doesn't bother me and see it as their issue, not mine.  However I will talk about it when asked.
It's been almost 6 years friends!  So much has changed.  My fear level still lurks around my brain but it doesn't have complete access.  And the fear I have intermittently is not based as much on not knowing. It's more about being worried about the future, or about getting breast cancer, or about the month of May, or about traveling while the kids are here, or about making memories.
I've heard myself wish for, complain about and wonder why I don't get the miracle of healing.  It's very evident that since I am alive today, I have gotten a miracle.  Not many of us make it past 5 years.  So Dear Lord, thank you.
I've learned a lot about food and eating better, exercise although it isn't something I like, vitamin C and hyperbaric treatment.  Right now I'm still exhausted so very easily when energy is exerted because… well for pete's sake it's only been 2 months since my last chemo, and those 5 rounds were very difficult on my body.  Gotta love the cumulative effect. I've learned to just be, to enjoy, to live as normally as possible.  I did get a bit of good news last week tho, my CA125 only rose 4 points and that is just such a relief.  If you remember what the plan is, when my number raises to a certain point (yet unknown, but we'll pretend it's 170) I'll have to have a dose of chemo, just one, then wait again for the number to rise…repeat, repeat, repeat hopefully for many years!  As crazy as all this sounds, it's a relief.  Why is this more doable in my mind?  I truly have no idea.  I have no idea when I'll have to be 'dosed', I'm just waiting…. And I'm ok with that.  Growth?  Gosh I hope so.
I'm feeling like I can make plans for the future.  That's freedom right there.
I'm feeling like the bone pain will go away when I can move!  Hurry spring.
I'm feeling like I can help again.
And I have some serious spring cleaning issues right now.
I'm feeling like I can hope again, believe more fully, and build my relationship with Jesus back up.

Thank you for praying for me.  I'm feeling again, which is better!

Go away 2013

After a year of being on some sort of medicine or chemo for this chronic disease of mine I am very ready to face a new year with better understanding of it, of me, and of living within the boundaries of love and acceptance, faith and hope and belief.  It's been a trying, difficult, painful, numbing year, yet somehow amazing slipped in and out throughout it all.
The highlights?  Well having Barbara here with us, Abbi graduating and her party, Austin getting his varsity letter, Jayson's birthday party that was 4 months late, and being able to chat on FB with my Chilean daughter, Nellely.  My family and friends who did what they could to help me through my storm, our storm.
I have watched more TV than I care to tell, let my kids be on any electronic device more than I ever thought I would allow, done less cleaning- just done less than ever.  I call it resting and recuperating.  I don't really know how to negotiate what that looks like, what the line is between less stress, exercise, keeping life real, being overly tired and overly out of shape along with overly steroided, causing some weight gain.  That just makes me super mad!
Tim and I got to spend an hour with Dr. Hicks last week.  We got so much information, perfect timing I must say.  There is a lot to tell you.  First of all I get to take a break from chemo.  My CA125 is 41- where it's been hovering for the last few months.  That will be my new normal and that's ok.  I kinda had that figured out.  For the next several months my Dr. will be tracking my CA125 monthly so that he can figure out what my plan of action, my maintenance schedule will be.  It's going to take some time, and some roller coaster rides, but in the end, a PLAN!!  To know me is to know I like to at least have a little bit of knowledge about what is next for me.  Playing these last few months as 'wait and see' was hard- I know it was hard for you too.  Basically the plan will reveal itself in the numbers.  When my CA gets high then I'll have a treatment and it will go back to it's new normal.  Yes probably only one treatment, probably 4-6-8 months apart; it is another 'wait and see' until my pattern is established.  For today, I am so happy and relieved about it.  One treatment every few months- piece of cake.  I get to recover then live life.  More good news is that I am still on the first line of defense chemo, I have no symptoms, and people can live like this for 20+ years.
Not only will we have a plan, but we have his blessing to go and see what other places are offering.  This is almost too hard to explain, but some institutions my have found a protocol that has proven to work and is approved for those specific doctors in that institution to use as a standard of care- but the information about those approaches do not have to be shared or approved by FDA or NCI….. So some investigations will also take place.  He's totally open to it! As long as treatments aren't' harmful he's all for them.  I love my doctor.
2013 tested me and my head and my heart to the core.  It shook me, it taunted with my beliefs, it played games with my head and heart daily.  I have been unable to read much, because my head can't concentrate, but that includes reading God's word or books about him.  I am hoping that I can truly do some resting in his hands while I leave my health in the hands of my doctor (and me), trusting that God is in the middle.  I have great hope that once my body and mind recover from the chemo poisoning that I will be able to once again concentrate- on anything else but me.  I'm so over me.  I want to concentrate on others again.
So the new year begins and I need a resolution- I don't really.  I never really got into that simply because they never seems to happen.  A suggestion was to choose a word that you would like to become better at displaying, or living as….

I've had these tiles for years, in my 'Christian Kitchen'.  They've been there so long I forgot what they said.  I was thinking about what my word could be, having little to no luck and then I remembered these.  I re-read them and decided that Victory, with it's definition is definitely how I need to be walking each day.  Then I read trust; do I even need to re explain how little trust in the Lord I have had?  Cast…. Again, many of you know that 'casting' isn't a strong suit of mine.  I've gotten much better but who on earth doesn't need to do that better.  Then Jesus: he's the same yesterday and today yes and forever.  In my recent life, in this battle, He hasn't seemed the same.  He's seemed distant many times, stingy with the healings being prayed for, dare I say seemingly uncaring. (This is about me and my messed up 'ness')  My head knows so much more than this heart can understand, which is good.  I know none of those are true about Jesus.  I know he is kind and loving and that the prayers are being answered.  I selfishly want, for my myself and others, the miracle of healing here on earth.  Like 4 years ago.  So I will work on seeing Him as the same, always.  I will take some time and identify His characteristics so I can speak them when I see them.

So here's how I'll word it- completely backward…. Jesus who is always for me, always loves me, wants me to cast all anxiety's on Him because He cares.  I will trust Him with all my being so that I can walk each day in the victory that belongs to Him, and because I belong to Him, it belongs to me.

For now, that is my update, my life change, my commitment for growth.

Thank you all for your love and prayers. Here's to 2014.

Much love,

Vicki

My answer

The question this morning was do you respond in difficult situations with despair or resolve.  My answer was YES of course.  I can't do anything the simple way,

We learned a new word: Chazaq -
1. To find strength, to be strengthened, to grip harder
2. To continue on
3. To fix what was broken
4. To take courage, to add resolve

Good word.

This last round of chemo went so much better for me.  My dear friend had dinners covered, fruit salads covered, and spent so much time with me.  It was so much better than the last round.  I even asked friends and family to come and spend time with me.  That may sound simple but it isn't for me.  Easier than it used to be but still not easy.

One statement shared was get on the path with him.  In other words, God has us all on different paths, many different paths within our lifetimes.  Sometimes I look and find a different path to be on for a while.  That's always a nice reprieve.  I love being able to help others and when I can it gives me such great feeling of normalcy.  Sounds so simplistic.  But when your normal is not good, some old normal feels really good.  But my path is not simplistic, happy and fun.

So this path I am supposed to be on with God, of faith, is just not what I want to do.  But in the same moment I have to and I know it.  Don't know where it leads, don't know when it ends, and don't know who it affects, but it's  a path I have to be on.  

I'm going to choose faith to live. (might even choose it as a tattoo.)  Today I found out the my CA 125 did go down- but only from 51 to 49.  That's a little disturbing.  Down is good tho- so I am focusing on that.  However it also means that I have to do more chemo.  Surprisingly I am fairly calm about it.  I am hoping it isn't because of things going on in my head but because it just is what it is.  You need not know about this head of mine.

But today, even tho I know I have to have chemo, I am very relieved that my number went down a bit.  It's been a while.  I also called Cancer treatment Centers.  Tim and I will be going in January probably.  It's been 3 years of looking into it and calling and thinking and blah blah blah.  I think it's a good move, to hear more options, to find out more about naturopath chemo and nutrition, which I kinda already know about but have a hard time following.  

I am hoping that my handling this better this time means my faith is blooming again.  Oh how I've missed that.  I appreciate so much your prayers for me to have more faith.  I feel like I'm ready to fight and ready to do what needs to be done.  I'm still struggling with feeling like the end is so very near, but somehow my faith is overtaking the negative thoughts.

I know it's a lot to take in.  I know it isn't fun.  And my head is so full of both good and bad questions and answers.

God is pulling back up to the front.  Thank you God.  May the peace I feel right now continue.

All things committed

I want so much to be able to say that I don't have to have another treatment for now, but I can't.  I want to say that my CA 125 went down and into the normal range, back to remission, but I can't.  There had been 7 weeks in between my chemo treatments...which is apparently too long.....  So my number rose, just a bit.  But my anxiety rose to the point that I was certain this was the beginning of the end.  Because ovarian cancer tends to have an end.... The truth of it just sucks.
When I went to see my nurse she was completely not worried-even would expect the number to rise because of the time that had passed between the last two chemos.  All she said made sense and calmed me.  Altho I am not excited by any means to have this chemo, I am not pissed off, or as anxious.  I even used the word peaceful.  I feel peaceful because there are some intentional steps being taken to keep my family fed, and me not feeling lonely or afraid.
The truth is that the last chemo brought me to a place I had never been before.  I've never been lower.  But my friends and I figured it out.  The depression, altho it lasted only a week or two, was very intense and probably came from a misunderstanding of words and a friend recovering from an illness, which left me on the bean bag alone- at least I felt desperate and alone.  It was very dark in my head.  Not a common place for my head.
These past 2 weeks God has been doing something.  Between the sermon and our Life Group I opened up, opened my heart, and feel a very small amount of hope and light. That is to say I don't think I am going to die today.  That's kinda how I felt earlier in the week.
Commitment: that sermon brought me to a point of understanding that perhaps this journey is what I am supposed to be committed to.  Perhaps Ovarian Cancer is my 'calling', my story, my way to show my commitment to Jesus.  That's the conclusion I came to on Sunday.  I don't exactly know how to show I'm committed to my cancer- that's just crazy talk.  I think that I have to keep moving into that direction tho.  However I don't want it to completely own me of course.  I try hard to not let it define me, but I wonder if it is to supposed to.  Maybe I've been fighting against that too much.  It is obviously what defines me right now- over 5 years with cancer, fighting 4 different times.  It's not like it's likely to change, unfortunately.  (But keep praying for the miracle)
I'm still feeling like I am on a teeter totter with my relationship with Jesus, but I know that I have to get back into reading and applying what I know and what I learn to my life, to this life.  Altho I hate how my children have to see this, I hate that my husband has to hold me some nights as I just cry, I also know that God is working in them as well.  Oh how my girl has surprised me, and my tall boy is so beautiful when he smiles, and the red head, well mom and cancer are just normal to him.  He was 5 when it started.
Here's what I HATE.  It makes so many people sad.  And I want to control that- to say don't be sad, just know this is the normal path of destruction it takes.  I do not like making people sad, but I am trying very hard to just let it be, to let you go thru what you need to.  Just please know, I'd rather spend happy time with you....
Mike made me think of commitment in a different way.  Commitment to my husband and family, very important and usually happy.  Being committed to an illness is a very strange concept.  I was chosen to go thru this for some reason.  We all think it's sharing and writing.  Is there more?  Am I supposed to feel privileged to go thru this?  Um- I'm going with no.  But I think I am supposed to remain strong, remain committed to doing this crappy journey.  And that's ok.  Commitments can be ugly and hard.  My ugly and hard is cancer, trying to figure out what to do between conventional and alternative therapies, wondering where the money comes from, mortified about Obama Care and wondering what that will mean for my care.  I am obviously a chronic case... But I have a lot of chronic issues, like stubborn first born syndrome, a will as strong as an elephant, and friends and family who fight harder than I know.
So I've kinda recommitted to fighting, suffering and being vulnerable for and with you, because you are the hands that help to keep me standing up  and fighting.  I need your help.  The problem is that I don't really know what the help is.  So pray, and then do what God reveals to you.
I am committed to fighting.  I am recommitted to fighting.  I am not going to back down.  But, I am still struggling with faith and understanding why I don't get healed-yet.  I don't know these answers, I just know they are in my heart.  I guess I kinda feel cheated of a miracle.
So commitment took on a whole new meaning for me last weekend.  Sometimes commitment is really hard.  And sometimes is life threatening.  I need God to fill me with bravery and strength enough for you and me.
Cancer changes everything, including the everyday, including priorities, including how to live longer and better and faithfully.  And commitment to fight, be sick, and heal- keeping quiet, conserving my energy so that I can heal better.  (keeping quiet-yes I'm laughing too).  It's hard to be what you have not been before.  Saying no, NO I cannot do that.  Sucks.
Cancer rocks your life, creates complete chaos, but is a constant reminder that sometimes you have to change the plan, and sometimes you have to commit to living the life assigned to you by the only one who knows that with Him, you will succeed, if you remain committed to Him.  Pray me back to commitment to him.
I want the gift of time.  I want the gift of health that lasts longer that 6 months.  I want to be able to take trips with my family.  I just want so much.
Please, pray more than you ever have for me.  I must reach that first priority, my relationship with Christ.  That is not where I am, altho it has gotten to be more positive.
And thank you for your commitment to me, my family, and praying for us.

Surrender

Here I am down on my knees again surrendering all, surrendering all

And find me here Lord as you draw me near I'm desperate for you, I'm desperate for you 

I surrender

Drench my soul as mercy and grace unfold, I hunger and thirst, I hunger and thirst

With arms stretched wide I know you hear my cry

speak to me now, speak to me now 

I surrender, I surrender, I want to know you more, I want to know you more

I surrender, I surrender, I want to know you more, I want to know you more

Like a rushing wind Jesus breathe within, Lord have you way, Lord have your way in me

Like a mighty storm stir within my soul, Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me 

Like a rushing wind Jesus breathe within, Lord have you way, Lord have your way in me Like a mighty storm stir within my soul, Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me

Like a rushing wind Jesus breathe within, Lord have you way, Lord have your way in me

Like a mighty storm stir within my soul, Lord have your way, Lord have your way in me

Lord have your way in me....

I surrender,

I surrender,

I want to know you more, I want to know you more

I surrender, I surrender 

I want to know you more I want to know you more

This song is a Hillsong Hit of course.  Nothing like a good Hillsong album to kick you in the butt.  The song moved me deeply on Sunday when we sang it.  I had to sit, tears coming down.  I wish I could say to you that it was because I was having a good moment, but I was wrestling with almost every word, wondering how, why Jesus isn't rushing in anymore, wondering where my soul is.  Where did I go?

I am just going to say this once- if you do not want to know about my journey, stop reading.  If you don't want transparency, stop reading.  If you're going to call my nurse saying I'm suicidal, stop reading because that will be the one time you see me angry!  I will reiterate that this is a journey.  I do not expect to be here for a long time, this place of ugly.  I am now tho.  I am already taking steps I think I need to help myself.  This is a no judgement, no pity, no transference of yourself, safe place for me to express, because earlier you said I could.....  And earlier God said I must.....

This past round of chemo was more that horrible.  I have a horrible attitude about my cancer right now. I am struggling so much with the new definition of it being a chronic disease/illness.  I like it in the sense that it makes it sound manageable, but manageable for this is chemo every time my number goes up.  It's not a shot of insulin or a pill or even a short hospital stay.  It's chemo.  Chemo is my management system.  Yeah, that's how I feel too.  That's sinking in.  As it sinks it is literally taking my spirit, my heart, my hope with it.  Chemo is stealing me away, treatment by treatment.  It doesn't seem to matter at this moment that all my blood work shows my organs and systems are just perfectly a typical 47 year old.  I just don't believe that.  My face, my eyes, my weight- all say sick old lady.  I am pissed.

This past round of chemo kept me from smiling for days, kept me crying for many moments in a day, kept me depressed, kept me weak, kept me irritated, kept me alone for far too long.  This round pushed me into depression.  Yes I will be seeing someone.  Now here's where you should stop reading.....

When I listened to "I surrender" on Sunday, (can't sing since I have hardly a voice) I was asking myself what the difference was between surrender and giving up. I give up.

Here I am, constantly for 5 years, trying so hard to let you take care of me

I once felt near, you touched me once, I felt like I knew you but now I'm not sure
I know you enabled some healing once, but then it was gone. 

That is why I am struggling to know who you are
I don't feel your rushing wind, breathe on me.  I don't even know how to ask for it. 

The storm is never your presence, it's always illness, it's always when I feel my best.
I do want you to have your way in me, literally in me.  My heart, my cancer, my healing.
It doesn't come.  Where is it.  What is surrender?  I've done this for my life, way more often these last 5 years because of the cancer.

Lord please have your way in me, but I give up.  I'm tired.  I'm overly poisoned.  My spirit is broken and I don't really know if you can help me.
I give up.  I give up. 

Those were my thoughts.  The tears came because those were my thoughts and those thoughts and feelings are just so messed up.

At this moment I have Hillsong blaring into my headphones.  Obviously music speaks to me very loudly and clearly.  I is how I get closer to God.  I'm sorry it isn't my Bible right now, but it isn't.  It's music and conversation.

I know you have no idea what to say to me, but don't ever let that keep you from talking to me.  There is nothing anyone can say.  Just be you, and I'll just be me, deal?

I don't know what is next for me.  Blood work as usual, although I am seriously considering not doing the CA125.  The stress of it..... I just want to gain some strength and then go be who I am, doing what I am supposed to do.  I can't even tell you how frustrating it is to loose your breathe walking up the stairs, missing the Grand Opening Sunday of the church where I love deeply and friends worked so hard to make it a dream come true, missing Harvest of Talents, Austin's race, and my nieces baby shower.  That's just this past weekend.....

So, here I am, stuck someplace I don't recognize, trying to see the footprints I know are there for me.  Must be the wind keeps covering them up with the leaves from the trees.

Pray as God moves in you.  Don't even tell me because my eyes roll back in my head.  Yeah, I'm a mess.  One thing to not worry about is that I believe in God, and I'm glad I've got as much learning under my belt as I do because I also know a lot about Jesus and His truth.  I also know it's ok for me to be here, struggling with him.  I know that, it's biblical.  And in the end he'll win for sure.  

Who reads this anyway?

Vicki